Lucien stared at Rowena’s sleeping face and slowly looked away.
He could not stay there for any second longer. He needed to leave. Quietly, he stood from the chair and noiselessly moved toward the door.
He did not want Rowena to wake up; she needed all the rest she could get, and he would not want her to wake up and start asking for him.
The moment he stepped into the hallway, he took a deep breath, trying to focus on the flickering wall candles to gain his sanity back. After a while of staring at the flickering flame, he looked away and left.
Rowena’s chamber was placed far away from his, and the journey out to the grand hall seemed endless. When he finally made it out, he saw Ms. Beck standing at the entrance with another maid, whispering something to each other.
"Poor child, he’s better off dead," Rita said, shaking her head.
Ms. Beck seemed to hesitate, her eyes lingering on the floor for a second before she spoke, "Perhaps you’re right, Rita. But it is not something you should speak of so freely—"
"Who is better off dead?" Lucien’s deep voice asked, his face darkened angrily.
The women gasped, bowing their heads instantly to their Duke.
"Y-your Grace," Rita stammered, lacing her fingers together in front of her abdomen.
"We apologize, Your Grace. We were merely chattering," Ms. Beck bowed even lower.
Lucien did not look pleased. His eyes only got darker.
"I will not hold back in punishing anyone who speaks out of their jurisdiction. Am I understood?" he asked slowly, his voice a dead threat.
Both women nodded, heads remaining bowed.
"Yes, Your Grace. We understand," Ms. Beck replied in a small voice.
"Get back to your duties," he commanded.
Without delay, they scampered away, ashamed of themselves.
Gritting his teeth, Lucien strode out of the grand hall and toward Soren’s infirmary. The women’s gossip was getting to him.
’He’s better off dead,’ Rita’s words echoed in his head.
No, that cannot be true. Not again; he won’t watch another person slip right through his hands, especially now that he had the power to stop it.
He could not fail another person... he could not fail Elian.
His steps slowed the moment he reached the infirmary, his chest feeling heavy and tight. He didn’t know what he was going to see in there, but he was sure it was going to break him like never before, and he was going to look at Elian and realize that he was behind every atom of misery the young boy had faced. Him... only he was responsible for Elian’s pain, and he just discovered that he wasn’t proud of it.
Taking a deep breath, he lifted his hand and pushed in the door, walking in before his guilt made him turn away.
The door clicked shut behind him, and Lucien was engulfed in the smell of wax and something tangent, probably what Soren had used to treat Elian’s wound.
He slowly lifted his head toward the bed he knew Elian would lay on, and there Elian was, pale as a ghost with a white cloth wrapped around his chest, the center soaked heavily with blood.
His fists tightened beside him, the images from the forest flashing through his mind. Elian standing there quietly, an arrow wheezing past him and directly hitting Elian’s chest. Whoever the person was... he meant to kill. This wasn’t a threat, not a scare; it was a clear shot.
He shut his eyes, willing his anger away. He needed to save his rage for the culprit; oh, how he’d make that bastard suffer. Quietly, he walked over to Elian’s bed, his eyes fixed on the pale, unconscious face as he paused right beside Elian.
His heart shuddered and ached for the fading man, for the soul that was dying away right in front of him.
He stared at the chair by the side of the bed; it was directly beside it, but he lowered himself onto the small space on Elian’s bed, choosing to be as close to Elian as possible.
It’s been hours since the hunting incident, but it felt like forever without seeing Elian, and the longer he stared by Rowena’s side, the more anxious he grew. He needed to come here, and here he was, and the pain he was feeling was more than he thought he’d feel.
"El," he whispered, his eyes scanning Elian’s naked chest.
The stained cloth was a jarring slap to his feelings. It killed him over and over again and he wished there was some kind of magic that could heal Elian in seconds.
He pulled his gloves off, placing them beside him and shifted closer. His fingers were shaking as he moved his hand to Elian’s face, trailing them smoothly along Elian’s cheek.
"I’m sorry," he murmured, cupping Elian’s cheek, "I’m sorry," he repeated, voice breaking.
He shut his eyes, fighting the sting of tears. He can’t be caught crying, not over someone he claimed was his attendant. From now on, he needed to protect Elian, even if it meant being cold toward him. He could live with Elian hating him forever than Elian not being there at all. He needed Elian alive; somehow, he wanted Elian to live for both of them.
Lucien already knew his life would never be happy, not with his dark past, not with his miserable future, and not with his depressing present. But, Elian... he could live that life... for both of them.
Rowan was right... he had to be careful; someone already knew about his involvement with Elian, hence, the attack.
But Lucien suddenly frowned, his eyes narrowing as he gently caressed Elian’s face. He could only think of two people who knew about him and Elian—Mrs. Morel and Rowan. But none of them would want Elian dead.
He shook his head.
Perhaps it was a court rival. Someone who wanted to hurt anyone close to him; if not, why was Rowena shot, too?
He sighed and leaned down, pressing his forehead gently on Elian’s. "I put you at risk... now, I’ll protect you. I swear it, El," he whispered, taking solace in the warm, soft breaths from Elian’s nostrils.
"You have to get up, sweetheart..." He cupped Elian’s face with his hands, his lips hovering above Elian’s, "Get up and hate me... just don’t die..." a lone tear escaped his eyes, falling on Elian’s cheek.
"Don’t leave me, too," he whispered shakily, blinking away his tears.
Slowly, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on Elian’s cold lips. "Wake up. I’ll stay away... I promise."
The door suddenly opened behind them and Lucien froze. This was exactly why he needed to stay away from Elian. He didn’t know who was behind them; at that timing, everyone was a suspect, and he needed them all to believe that Elian meant nothing to him.
If they kept seeing him baring his soul to Elian, it would only make them hurt Elian more.
Gradually, he straightened, turning his face towards the entrance. There, Mrs. Morel stood with the most disgusted face he’d ever seen, and he did not blame her once.
"Get away from my son," she commanded, walking toward Elian’s bed.
She paused right in front of the Duke, eyes filled with hatred, "Have you not hurt us enough? Do you really want to take my son away from me, too?" she asked, silent tears falling from her eyes.
Lucien swallowed down the heavy guilt in his throat. He could not dispute her. He had hurt them, and as an imperfect man, he might even hurt them more in the future. But no one knew that all these weren’t all his choices; he wasn’t really the villain they made him out to be, and Elian had seen that.
Elian had seen him without his ego, without his guards up, without his title. Elian had seen him as a man, but that was what he feared; letting Elian in on his secret was not only dangerous for him, but to Elian, too.
"I will never bow to you, Lucien Valemont." Mrs. Morel spat, "You lost your title the day you watched my husband burn and you have the guts to touch my son..." she inhaled shakily and cried, turning her face away to sob.
Lucien clenched his fists, standing from the bed.
He picked his gloves, glancing one last time at Elian.
"I will stay away from your son, ma’am." He nodded once and walked away; each step felt like his skin was being peeled off, for he knew that his secret time with Elian was over.
The short moments of truly feeling human had been cut short, but he wasn’t going to regret it, because he was protecting Elian over his pleasure. And, maybe, Elian would feel better without having him breathing down his neck every second.
It was time he focused on what he should have focused on. It was time to take the path of justice... the path Elian strongly believed in.
Now, he wasn’t just doing this for himself, he was doing this for Elian, to prove to him that he could also be a just man, that he, too, deserved redemption only in Elian’s eyes.
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