After my humiliation I met up with Selsie and asked her, “Do you mind showing me where the guild is located? I have to make some money fast.”
Before Selsie had a chance to respond, Loftus intervened. “Not gonna ask me, your best bud?”
I shook my head. “Sorry, but every moment I spend with you is excruciating. I would sooner hang out with the Demon King than I would with you.”
Selsie looked worried but Loftus heartily laughed. “That’s how you know we’re like testicle buddies. We can goof around and insult each other. You’re not afraid to poke fun at me because you know I won’t take it personally.”
“How on Earth are you coming to conclusions like that?” I spoke with a genuinely confused tone. “I despise you with all my soul.”
“Love you too, bud. I’m off to school. Catch you later.” He clicked his tongue and shot some finger guns at me. His exit pleased me to no end.
“Erm, I can show you the local guild if you want. It’s not that far,” said Selsie, completely ignoring the strange conversation that just occurred. “I was planning on going there anyway.”
“That would be great. Thank you. I owe you one.”
Selsie and I wandered out the hall and entered the streets of the king’s city. Our base was located on the outskirts of town, so the area wasn’t too busy.
“Do you want to go straight there through the markets, or shall we take the longer less crowded path? I usually take the latter to avoid being trampled by shoppers.”
“Let’s go for the short and direct route,” I answered. “It’ll be easier for me to map the location in my head that way.”
Selsie guided me towards the guild while mentioning points of interest on the way there. When we got to the markets there was a commotion. From the centre of a group of people I heard a familiar voice shout, “What do you mean you don’t have any water balloons bigger than this?”
I immediately stopped walking and said, “On second thought, Selsie, let’s take the long way around.” I tried not to think of the implications of a member of the Demon Kingdom in the king’s city. It was none of my business.
One brisk walk later, Selsie and I entered a large guildhall. The inside was similar to a pub. There were groups of people all sat around enjoying drinks. One side of the place served beverages, while the other side was concerned with jobs.
There were a great range of people: warriors, mages, archers, alcoholics. People’s levels varied highly and there seemed to be no age limit on the lower or upper end.
“Why do you never put enough ice in my iced coffee?” a man in robes complained to a server.
“You’re an ice mage. Just make some more yourself.”
“That’s not the point!”
“Over here, Yarm!” Selsie called out. She showed me a huge board full of paper requests tacked on. “This is the job board. Best way to make money at the guild. You gotta register before you can accept one though.”
My eyes scanned over the quests.
‘Kill the orcs outside Lesser Hill. Payment is 1000 GP.’
‘Kill five goblins and bring their noses as proof. Reward is 79 GP and a cheap necklace that I don’t want anymore.’
‘Kill the Demon King. Best I can do is 23 GP.’
I let out a long, drawn-out sigh. “All these are about killing. Aren’t there any that don’t involve death?”
“What about this one?” Selsie pointed at one of the paper requests.
‘Swim through Blood Harbour to deliver my cursed ring to the Piranha Lord. Reward is negotiable.’
At the bottom of the poster, it gave a level recommendation of 47. “Are you trying to get me killed, Selsie?”
“Sorry, but there’s not many fetch quests today. Maybe you can come back tomorrow and check again for some easier stuff.”
“I guess so, but easy stuff isn’t going to pay much, is it?”
Selsie gave me a sympathetic expression. “Just so you know, the level recommendation is estimated based on solo adventurers. If you’re in a party, you can take on missions of higher level without worry of getting hurt.”
“I see. The benefit of a party isn’t just sharing XP. You can take down far stronger foes with a team than you could alone, right?”
“Exactly,” Selsie said cheerfully.
“I’m telling you the answer is money!” someone shouted.
“No, it’s not, you idiot. Look at the second picture!”
Selsie and I wandered over to a group of eight or so people, all gathered around a table. A man in light armour sat at the centre of all this attention. Infront of him there was a floating chalkboard with a drawing of a pouch of money spilling gold coins.
“What’s going on?” I asked one of the group members.
“My buddy is playing his level-up game,” answered the short and stout man.
Another member of the group looked over at me and sneered. “I hate it when kids show up at the guild.” He was tall and lanky.
The short and stout man responded, “I understand what you mean. I dislike seeing young’uns risking their lives on dangerous guild requests.”
“No, it’s not that,” the tall man replied. “I just hate kids.”
Selsie looked annoyed by that comment, but I was far more focused on the man with the chalkboard. This was the first time I was witnessing someone other than an Earthling spending their LP. “What game is he playing?” I asked.
The man with the floating chalkboard pulled me over. “Maybe you can help me out, boy.”
“Help you out?” I didn’t realise that others could help with the level-up games.
“See here?” He pointed at the chalkboard. “To get my reward from levelling up, I have to guess the link between three pictures. If I guess wrong, I get nothing.”
“I see. We have similar games on Earth, but we played them on little whiteboards.”
The man looked puzzled for a moment and then gently nudged me away. He then grabbed Selsie’s arm and pulled her over. “Maybe you can help me instead, girl.” It seemed that he didn’t like my strange response.
“I can try,” Selsie responded.
The man first showed the drawing of a spilling money pouch. Next, he showed a picture depicting acorns, almonds, pecans. The final image on the chalkboard was of a family surrounded by rubies, sapphires, and diamonds. “Do you see a connection between the three drawings?” asked the man.
Selsie went into a deep think. “Uhm, I’m not sure.” She puzzled it over and finally gave an unsure sounding answer. “Maybe it’s things that are small but valuable?”
The man shook his head. “The answer must be one word.”
“I’m telling you, it’s wealth,” a bearded man exclaimed.
“What about gifts? These are all things you can gift to each other,” suggested the tall man.
“What about collectibles? People like to collect all of those.”
A girl with an eyepatch said, “I think it’s treasure. Coins are a treasure, nuts are a treasure to squirrels, and gems are treasures to families.”
Answers flew around. Everyone had convincing theories about why their own guesses were right, but the man could only choose one.
When a lull occurred, I said, “What about testicles?”
Everyone stared at me like I was an idiot. They didn’t even have any words of derision. They just silently mocked me.
“Hey, it’s not that bad of an answer.”
“It is,” sighed Selsie. “What about these three pictures makes you think of bollocks?”
“Well, the first is of a coin purse. That’s common slang for the scrotum. The next picture is of nuts. I’m sure you all know how those relate.”
Selsie nodded. “They’re similar to deez.”
“What’s deez?” asked the short man.
Selsie started giggling to herself. Not a single one of us understood why.
“What about the last picture?” the tall man asked me.
“Think about it. It’s a family surrounded by a bunch of jewels. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about when I say, ‘the family jewels’, don’t you?”
Everyone stared in awe for a good while. My stupid answer somehow made complete sense. The thing was, I never would have even guessed it if Loftus didn’t mention it to me earlier in the day. I suppose I had him to thank for the answer.
“You’ve convinced me,” said the tall man. “I think we should choose testicles.”
The short man responded, “Yeah, I like testicles.”
The eyepatch lady said, “You’re a smart, kid. Testicles are great.”
The bearded man took a democratic approach. “Raise your hands if you want testicles.”
The other tables in the guild looked at ours in horror, as we conversed about balls.
The man locked in the answer and a green System message popped up.
[Correct Answer]
[Rewards: Title + Skill + Item]
[Title: Cannoneer] [Skill: Tax Evasion] [Item: Lesser Mana Potion]
The whole table erupted into cheers. The short man slapped me on the back. The level-upper raised his arms so high into the air that he fell backwards out of his seat. There was hearty laughter and smiles all around.
“Good job, boy!”
“Someone get him a beer!”
“You idiot, he can’t drink alcohol. Get him some orange juice.”
Selsie tried to say, “Deez nuts,” but the cheering drowned out her voice.
For the next few hours, I was not allowed to leave. The group of adventurers celebrated with me and Selsie. The two of us found it quite enjoyable. They even invited us into their party, to which the both of us refused. As a parting gift, the level-upper gave me his Lesser Mana Potion. “You two fare well, now. Come and drink with us again when you get the chance.”
Selsie and I left the guildhall in a blissful daze.
“That was fun, wasn’t it?” I asked her.
She agreed. “Almost as fun as bofa.”
Selsie went back to base to meet up with her friends while I went towards the school. It was still my desire to meet up with the prince. I wanted to ask him to join my party for the quest and also because he was someone that sympathised with monsters. If I were to make progress towards my goals, I would need his help.
I approached the school gates and noticed a girl sitting with her back to the wall of the school. She hugged her knees and I heard faint sniffling. Above her head was the name ‘Penrin’. She was the noble girl who Loftus had taken a liking to. My mind immediately assumed the worst.
“Are you alright, child? What’s got you crying? Was it Loftus? Did he do something to you?” I crouched down to her.
“No,” she said fiercely. “Mind your own business. Go away.” She didn’t lift her head up and kept softly crying into her own arms and legs.
“What kind of adult would I be if I ignored the weeping of a child? I can’t leave you. Tell me what’s wrong and maybe I can help.”
The girl raised her head and glared at me. Her eyes were puffy and red. Tears wetted her cheeks. There was one thing blatantly different since I last saw her. A large diagonal scar bisected her face. “Leave! Go away! I don’t want your help. I don’t want anything from you.”
I didn’t know what to say. It broke my heart seeing a child so obviously in mental anguish. I wanted to reach out and hug her. I desperately wished to comfort her, but I knew it would do no good. Her personality was ferocious. She would not allow any sympathy to be shown to her.
“Stop looking at me like that. You think you’re better than me, don’t you? You think you can look down on me and feel sorry for me.” Her emotional state was a mixture of sadness and anger. “Get out of here now! Or else I’ll make you leave.”
I had no idea what to do. I’d never had a situation like this occur.
At that moment, Loftus walked out of the school with a young girl under each arm. “So, that’s basically the story of how I mogged an ogre.” The two girls giggled. “Wanna hear another story?” he said.
“Loftus, I see you’ve made some new friends,” I said with my teeth clenched.
“Friends for now,” he chuckled. “If they play their cards right, they might be future members of my harem.”
With all my being I wanted to punch Loftus again. When I saw that both the girls under his arms were higher level than me, I decided against it. “What happened with you and Penrin? I thought you were friends with her?”
Loftus noticed the girl slumped against the wall. “Oh, so this is where she ran off to.”
“Can you explain to me what happened and why she’s crying?” While I spoke, Penrin didn’t protest. She shrunk back into her legs and did not make eye contact. The presence of Loftus seemingly diminished her fierceness.
“It’s a long and kind of boring story. Instead, let me tell you and the girls about how I taught a half-goblin how to mew.” Loftus’ eyes glinted with enthusiasm. He spared no attention to Penrin.
“I’d rather hear the first story.”
Loftus sighed and then relented. “Alright, I’ll make it quick. I went on a job with Penrin, and it turned out to be tougher than I thought. I was about to be killed by a zombie’s sword swing, but she tanked the blow with her face. That’s how she got the scar. Thankfully, after that we got away. Anyway, in class, everyone was making fun of her ugly face. It was pretty entertaining watching her try not to cry. At lunch she followed me and confessed that she loved me. Can you believe that? Confessing to me when she looks like Frankenstein? Obviously, I rejected her. There’s no way I’m adding her to my harem; she’s chopped.”
Loftus went on and on. With every word I hated him more. I could see Penrin squeezing her legs tighter.
“You should get started on your harem too. I can introduce you to some girls if you want. Do you prefer them submissive or bratty?”
“Shut up,” I said calmly. “Just please shut up.”
“What? Why?”
“Do me a favour and go jump off the nearest bridge, will you?”
“Excuse you?” said one of the girls under his arm.
“Ah, don’t worry, babe. It’s just banter. The two of us are best friends. He loves to joke about hating me.” Loftus rubbed the girl’s shoulder.
I exploded. “It’s not banter! I hate you! I loathe you with all my body, mind, and soul. I want you dead. I want you to experience untold amounts of agony. I can imagine no greater pleasure than watching you drowning in abject suffering. If I could, I would set you on fire and then heal you, set you on fire and then heal you, over and over again until you lost your mind. There is nothing about you that I like. I am not you’re friend. I am not your ally. I am your number one hater. Can you please get that through your thick skull?”
The two girls were frightened by my outburst. Loftus was seemingly taken aback. “Oh, I didn’t realise.” He looked me in the eyes. “I didn’t realise you were a tsundere.” He started laughing. “Don’t worry, Yarm. I know how you really feel about me. You can keep pretending to hate me, I know deep down you love me.”
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