Adventures of Superguy

***Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation and Medical Trauma***

July 20, 2010 - Happy Harbor, RI

Mt. Justice

21:54:29

As M’gann’s story wound down, the team took a brief break to refresh drinks and stretch their legs. Connor began to dread the return to the campfire as he took a bio break in the bushes. Talking about his past wasn’t exciting for him. 

I’ve already lied to them about who I really am. Some friend I am, some teammate. They’re baring their souls and I’m trying to figure out what line of bullshit to give them.

Guilt gnawed at him for the lie he had told and the lies he would continue to tell. He knew it was wrong but the fear of telling them the truth outweighed the guilt. Since finding his feet in this world, and coming to think of the team as his friends, and lover in Walli’s case, the truth became even harder to convey to them.

‘Sorry, you’re all fictional! I’m not even sure any of this is really happening.’ Or what it means if it's fictional and it IS happening. The metaphysics involved when they touch on ‘the real world’ of Earth 33 and the rest of the Multiverse are hazy, at best. Or maybe they’re all explained in detail in some book I never read. 

Earth 33 was what the writers called the real world, just one of the universes in the Multiverse, rarely visited by the characters. There the reflections of other universes filtered through the collective unconscious and were produced as everyone’s favorite comic books and their derivative works. That Earth only ever had one superhuman, and no other magic, or aliens, or costumed crime fighters. But it maintained that out there, somewhere, all these stories were true and the people, places and events were real.

I guess I’ve proved that one. Shame nobody back home is probably ever going to know. Unless someone is writing a comic book about me, right now? That would mean they could read my thought bubbles… In that case, dear reader, please please please find my mom, Colleen Clark, she lives at 52 Cortes St, Boston MA. Tell her… tell her I’m okay. Tell her I made it, somehow. That dying didn’t hurt that bad, I just wanted it to be over, and it was.

Tell her I miss her.

Connor shook his head, frustrated by his own foolishness. Hoping his thoughts might be a message in a bottle home was thin. The team were sitting around a campfire telling stories, that kind of quiet downtime didn’t make it in most comic books. He blinked away the tears as he walked back towards the campfire.

The others had gone back into the Cave to use the restroom; they were actually so close he could see the hidden entrance from their campsite without supervision. Since the mountain was already in a forest reserve, they hadn’t gone far to make their campsite. Convenient, if not truly in the spirit of camping.

All except for Robin, who was still seated with her back to a log, the firelight reflecting off her shades as she poked the burning wood with a stick. She seemed lost in thought.

“Penny for your thoughts?” He asked as he stepped over the back of the log and sat down next to her, his knee by her head.

Robin grunted, poking the logs again and sending a shower of sparks up into the air as she did.

Connor glanced back towards the entrance, but the others weren’t on their way back yet. It was just the two of them for the moment. Robin kept her gaze on the flames, while he looked down at her.

Talking about origins isn’t any fun for her. I should have quashed this. I know and none of them do. She doesn’t know that I know. Goddamnit, this is a mess.

Once more he cursed himself for leaning into the lie, but cursed fate for having put him in this impossible situation. He could guess what was eating the Girl Wonder. But how to say anything without revealing his cards? 

“You know, you don’t have to tell the team anything. We get it, protocol. You have to protect your people.” Connor said, fumbling his way through it. 

“I know that.” Robin snapped, and Connor flinched. She saw it, and put her head down.

“I’m sorry, I… didn’t mean it like that.” She said quietly, after a moment.

“It’s okay.” He replied, biting his lip and weighing what to risk and what to hold back. He felt for her, and wanted to provide some comfort.

He hadn’t been able to resist his curiosity over the past two weeks. For a week he had managed it, but after being left alone at the Cave for hours while the others tended to their busy lives, he had fallen down a rabbit hole of looking things up on Alexandria, this Earth’s version of a digital encyclopedia.

The tragedy of the Flying Graysons at Haley’s Circus had its own article.

A troupe of colorful trapeze artists and acrobats, in green, red and yellow, flying high and bringing joy. Death defying stunts performed without a net, to add the thrill of danger. It sickened Connor to think about; all those audience members watching them fly without a net. Like they hoped to see them fall and have the danger made real. All so unnecessary, so needless.

He had read the first news articles, calling it a tragic accident. A whole family of performers, wiped out except for a nine year old girl and her teenage cousin, who was in a coma she may never wake from. The worst had been the picture, snapped by some audience member, looking up at the shell-shocked face of that girl standing on the platform of the center pole. Her face as she saw her whole world come crashing down in one awful moment. One more tragedy in Gotham City.

The article included young Richelle Grayson being taken in as a foster child by billionaire philanthropist Bryce Wayne, who had been in attendance that night. A playgirl who had suffered a similar tragedy as a child, motivating her to step forward and take Richelle as her ward. Some society rags claimed it was just Wayne trying to whitewash her partygirl image. He had ignored the cruel comments about it, knowing the truth. 

A tragic tale that ended in justice delivered; a local mobster, Antonia Zucco, arrested as the ‘accident’ was revealed to be anything but. Murder, plotted by Zucco to extort Haley’s Circus. Dark rumors that Zucco had been uncovered and brought in by the mysterious Batwoman of Gotham City. This was before she was a known quantity and a member of the Justice Guild. At the time she had been a lone wolf, a myth that criminals in Gotham whispered to each other in the seedy divebars at night. 

Some years later, he found the first rumors on the internet that the Batwoman had a partner, some kid in red, green and yellow, flipping around like an acrobat. Most dismissed it, because a myth and a superhero wouldn’t drag a kid into street fights with criminals, of course. But Connor knew the truth. The Guild, the team had explained, had rules against letting minors go into the field. Especially against criminals, super and otherwise. Officially, his friends had never been in real action until the night they met. Unofficially, he doubted it in most of their cases, and knew it was a baldfaced lie for Robin. Nobody could be as capable as her if she hadn’t seen some shit, especially with no powers. She had sworn an oath by candlelight to her mentor, dedicating herself to this great crusade, the very night Zucco had been brought down.

All this swirled through his head as he considered his predicament, desiring to comfort her and keep his own confidences. His heart ached for her, because he knew the truth that probably only she, Bryce and ‘Penny’ knew. That felt like a violation too, intruding on her most private grief, but he couldn’t unlearn it. Resolving himself, he decided he had to reach out.

It was what Superman would do.

Gently, he put his hand on her shoulder. She tensed at the touch, and then relaxed slowly.

“We all have secrets.” He said quietly, and she glanced up at him.

“Even you?” She asked, her eyes narrowing behind her shades.

“Even me.” He smiled wryly as he said it.

“Thought you left everything behind in your other universe.” 

“Not everything. But I also know some things, things from my universe that I think carry over here.” He said, tensing as he came to the edge of his comfort zone. His nerves screamed to stop before he said too much, that she was too smart to fool, like her boss. But his heart refused to stop.

“Like what?”

“Like that Batman doesn’t do all this because he thinks its fun or just the right thing to do.”

He saw her momentary confusion as things clicked and she put together what he was saying.

“You sound like you know a lot about it.” She didn’t really ask.

“I was obsessed with superheroes. I was a sick kid, couldn’t go out much. My mom bought me books, video games, puzzles. But the only thing I really wanted to read was comics.” He began.

Robin’s face screwed up in confusion.

“What do funny books have to do with superheroes?” She asked, incredulous.

He smiled; he had already looked this part up. This Earth didn’t do superhero comics; superheroes were on the news. Comics were mostly cartoons, comedy, romance, horror, science fiction and fantasy. The connection was nonsense to her.

“Back home, the most popular comics are about superheroes. Some of them are true, licensed by the Justice League and other heroes. Some are fictional, or fictionalized stories about real heroes. And I loved them! So did my mom, which is why she turned me onto them.” He said, smiling. 

It was almost the truth, so it felt less bad than lying whole cloth. 

Might be a good way to utilize some of my knowledge without giving away the game.

“So you’ve read a lot of comic books about real superheroes?” She said skeptically.

“Yeah! There’s other stuff, obviously. The news, fan sites, the Justice League has its own official stuff.”

“Ugh, you’re a cape chaser?” She asked, a mix of humor and disgust on her face.

“...I”m gonna guess that’s not a term of endearment. But no, I didn't follow people around or anything. I just really liked them. This is off topic, anyway. Like I was saying; Batman doesn’t fight crime as a hobby. Its a mission for him.”

His steering them back on topic clicked her jaw shut and she stared at him. Connor took a deep breath and continued.

“Nobody knows the real truth, like who he is, so you can relax. Just… people know its a mission for him. Its personal. The mission is what he’s all about. So whatever drives him… it was something bad. Something he wants to put right, or if he can’t do that, make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else.”

With his vision, he could see right through her glasses and her eyes were misty, filled with a riot of emotion. He feared he was giving too much away but was too close to making the connection he wanted to.

“I know its not the same, different universes. I never met Batman, but I’ve met Batwoman. And she’s just like I thought he would be. I figure if she took you on as her apprentice… then you probably went through something similar.”

There it was; he had tipped his hand. She went silent, but for a sharp intake of breath. He could hear her heartbeat rise and see the heat that crawled up her face, and the tension in her shoulders. Desperately he hoped he hadn’t gone too far, so he plowed on.

“But that’s your story to tell. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t have to. We don’t ever have to talk about it again.” He backpedaled, trying to reassure her. She calmed, exhaled and controlled her breathing. So he continued.

“That said, if you did want to talk about it… I could listen. It probably violates protocol, but sometimes… I think you have to. Whatever you want to share, I’ll keep confidential. Really, who would I tell? You guys and the Guild are the only people I know on this planet. And I would never tell anyone.” He finished, the words coming out in a jumble. Fear rose in him that he had said too much, presumed far too much.

Robin was quiet a long time, staring back at the campfire again, poking it idly before getting up and throwing more wood on the fire.

When she sat back down, this time it was beside him on the log. 

That’s probably a good sign…

“My family died.” She said simply.

His heart ached for her, and he put a hand on her shoulder. Her heartrate was up again, but it dipped a little as she leaned into his touch.

“I’m sorry.”

She nodded.

“It was the worst day of my life. I… can’t…” she stopped, shuddering as she tried to master herself, grimacing as she did. Like she refused to let him see her cry. 

She doesn’t want to cry in front of me. Damn, the reverse universe strikes again. She’s the guy, she can’t cry in front of me, I’m the girl. Goddamnit.

“Its okay.” He said simply, and she jerked her shoulder, looking away from him. Her back shuddered again as she fought to hold back her tears.

Connor decided he had to do more, and turned her by the shoulder and put both hands on her shoulders so she had to look at him. She sniffled and shook, but his strength was indomitable. Eventually she looked up at him, her glasses sliding down her nose so he could see her beautiful blue eyes. Tears filled them, and in the pit of his stomach a hole yawned wide where his guilt had gnawed it for causing her this much distress.

“Robin… its okay. You can cry. You have to, sometimes.”

She cast her head down and laughed bitterly. A few droplets fell from her cheeks and struck the ground. In the dark with human vision, he wouldn’t have seen it, but he could hear their impacts against the blades of grass.

“It’s… different, Connor. I’m a woman, I have a mission. I can’t… just cry sometimes. I have to be in control.” She choked out, trying to put steel into her spine as she said it.

God, is this what guys are like? She’s crying right now! She has to let it out. Damnit, did I do this?

Upon reflection, he probably had. The masculine need to stay silent in pain and tragedy, to be stoic in all things, even as you were dying inside. To see it reflected back to him in Robin’s feminine face was too absurd for words. In that moment, he understood a great deal more about his own concept of masculinity. More was needed, obviously.

“You can’t be in control all the time. Everything you suppress will just come back up in other ways. Trust me, I know. I never lost people like you have… but I got something almost as bad.”

“What?” She asked miserably.

“I got to die and see what it did to the people I love. My parents, my family, my friends.” He said it flatly, trying to control his own emotions, but his eyes began to mist as well. Tiring of his own hypocrisy, he let his tears flow, hot down his cheeks.

“It… was the worst part. Knowing I was going to die. Not for me; I’d be dead. I stopped being afraid of dying a long time before it happened. Whatever came after, I couldn’t do anything about. But I could see what it did to my parents, my friends. People were mourning me before I was dead, bracing themselves for when I went. I saw the hurt in them, and I knew I was the cause.” His voice cracked as he said it, and Robin grabbed his face.

“Connor…”

“I know! I know it wasn’t my fault. But I was still the reason they were sad, they were grieving. I cried all the time, for them. So sorry that I was hurting them. Wanting it to hurry up and happen so I didn’t have to see them worry about it, about me, anymore. Knowing that was a betrayal of them, that it was cowardice. But I still wanted it.” 

He wept, as hard as he ever had. Never had he told anyone this part, afraid of what the doctors, the counselors, his parents, what they would think of him wanting to die. It all felt so stupid; he was dying anyway, what did it matter if he wanted it to happen sooner? So he had buried it deep down, and stayed silent when they asked what was wrong. Everything was wrong, and only one thing would start to make it right again. 

“But I was stupid. I bottled that up, because I didn’t want to burden them more. But now I’m gone, and I can’t tell them about it anymore. Now it feels like I betrayed them by thinking that, wanting to spend less time with them. Because now I probably won’t ever get a chance again. And it makes me sad, makes me want to cry.”

Then her arms were around his neck, hugging him and his went around her back, as they held each other by the fire and cried together.

“Connor, Robin?” 

Startled out of the embrace and his catharsis, he saw the others standing at a distance as M’gann spoke up. Worry was on all their faces as he and Robin disentangled, and wiped at their eyes. Shame filled him, that they had all seen.

“How… how long have you guys been standing there?” He asked, as Robin took her glasses off to wipe her eyes.

“Just for the last part, I think.” M’gann said, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

“We did not mean to intrude on a private moment.” Kaldura said, the picture of respectfully reserved concern.

“Its fine.” He said, before glancing at Robin. Her face was red as well, from crying or embarrassment, and she waved it off as she put her glasses back on and took a deep breath.

“Maybe that’s enough story time for one night.” Walli suggested, clearly uncomfortable.

Connor looked down at the fire, already burning low from the last wood Robin had put on. 

“Yeah, maybe so.” He said quietly.

Connor’s eyes met Robin’s, and they held there for a moment. He saw the connection there, the emptying of emotional chaos, and smiled at her. She gave a small grin back, and stood.

“That’s enough for tonight.”

Around the campfire came a chorus of nods. 

The fire was banked, and things packed away as they found their tents. Two for the girls, and one just for Connor. It seemed silly to be catered to, but they insisted. As he zipped himself into the brand new sleeping bag, he took a shuddering breath now that he was alone. Anxiety filled him that he had said too much, gone too far. But there was also a great relief.

They knew now. Not everything, but they knew him better now than probably anyone had in his old life. It had been easier telling Robin than it had been before. She didn’t have to see him pale and drawn in the hospital, hooked up to machines, living in hospital gowns. Dying in them. No great build up to the terrible climax. They only knew him in this strange encore he had been given. There was no long journey of them seeing his decline and knowing how the story ended. 

I should have told them. Mom and Dad, Jeremy… anyone. Keeping it in didn’t help. It just made me more miserable. Not wanting to burden them was stupid. It was all a burden, what was one more load?

He didn’t know how long he lay there, staring up at the blue polyester of the tent’s canopy. But after some amount of time, there were footsteps approaching. By now he knew her heartbeat, so he unzipped the flap as Walli came to it, surprising her. She froze like a deer in headlights, in the same yellow tank and red short shorts she slept in at home.

“Hey.” She said lamely.

“Hey.” 

After a moment of her awkwardly crouched outside the tent, staring at him and clearly trying to think of something to say, he rolled his eyes and unzipped the tent and beckoned her in. She sagged with relief and crawled in, zipping it up behind her with a glance towards the other tents.

Connor sat back down in his sleeping bag, exhausted physically by the emotional rollercoaster of the evening.

“Not exactly how I thought we’d end tonight.” Walli said, sitting cross legged next to him.

Connor sighed, long and tired.

“Me neither.”

Walli looked down at her feet, thinking, and he noticed her toenails were painted red. 

Why didn’t I notice that before?

“I…” Walli began, before faltering.

“Yes?” He asked

“I’m sorry.” She answered, not meeting his gaze.

“For what?” He asked, puzzled.

“For… being so pushy with you. You were, are, going through some stuff and I just swooped in… and I feel bad.” She answered, upset with herself. She still couldn’t make eye contact.

What is she talking-

Oh.

Shit.

He sighed. The reverse world thing was a helluva trick to play on a guy.

“So you think  you took advantage of me? In my fragile emotional state?” He asked neutrally, gazing straight ahead as Walli’s eyes looked everywhere else.

“No! Maybe! I didn’t mean to! You just… seemed interested and were cool, and hot. But I didn’t really get everything that you had going on. You were back there, dying, and then you just woke up here… I thought you were just dealing with it, or over it. You seemed… okay.” She tossed her head in frustration, as she tried to wrestle with her own guilt of her perceived transgression.

“Walli-”

“But that’s not an excuse! I wouldn’t do that to a guy! I was just, you seemed like-” She stumbled through it, beating herself up.

“Walli!” Connor raised his voice, which brought the speedster up short.

“...Yes?”

He reached out and took her hand, and pulled her closer, despite her reluctance. He embraced her, wrapping his arms around her waist and laying his head on her shoulder.

“It’s okay. You didn’t… take advantage or anything. I wanted to do things with you, I liked it. I still do. I’m still dealing with all of this. I’ve been dealing with it for a while. I’m gonna be dealing with it, probably forever. Dying will do that to you.” He snorted as he said the last, which drew a chuckle out of Walli. He nuzzled against her neck and tightened his hug. He felt the tension in her release and she melted against him, taking a deep breath.

“Alright, that’s good. When I heard you say all that stuff, it brought it home that you didn’t just hop a flight over to Terra. You went through… everything, before you got here. And I thought-” 

“I know. I appreciate you thinking about me like that.” He responded warmly.

She turned her head slightly away as she replied.

“I know the friends with benefits thing was weird, I should have talked to you about it.” She admitted, sagging a bit.

“If I had a problem with it, I’d say something.” He answered simply. He liked Walli, as a friend, and even more as a friend with benefits. Dating on this Earth was still a little early, he had decided. There was a pretty big cultural gap, and this night had reinforced that to him. He would need to figure things out more before he wanted to commit to anybody.

“Whew! That’s a relief, let me tell you. I gotta say, Connor,  you’re different from most guys.” Walli said as she pulled back and finally met his gaze, smiling slightly.

Connor laughed, and replied.

“Yeah, its almost like I’m an alien or something…”

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