Diary of a Teenaged Mimic

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I'm not sure if my Grand Anti-Poser Plan is gonna work out, but if it doesn't, I can always eat his ass.

Okay, I think I made myself throw up in my own mouth a little bit. For one of my ladies, who I know bathe on a daily basis now that I've introduced them to the concept, it's a kink that I'd be willing to indulge in. The thought of doing that to a guy whose best possible rectal odor is 'dead fish', and who wouldn't surprise me if he was one of those guys who refused to wipe his own ass, let alone wash it, because anyone touching his anus made him Gay just makes me want to vomit.

Not the best intestinal state to be going into a fight, but fuck it, better disgusted than afraid.

To be clear, not afraid for myself. That's not even some kind of blustery bullshit, either. I can crack the planet. I'm pretty sure with enough time and effort I could eat the sun. One fuckin' God, no matter how powerful, is not gonna survive if I decide it's time for them to die. On the other hand, Poseidon is old and powerful as fuck.

Some even argue that he is more powerful than his brother Zeus.

Oh, shit, really?

I don't agree, mind you. But the fact that he is strong enough some might make the case is proof enough that you are not wrong.

Thanks for the info, Dad. You're the best.

I know.

At any rate, I've dealt with some really powerful entities here and now. Loviatar had been nomming all of Boltophsberg's Souls for centuries. The Mother of Hole Spawn, as an Undead Dragon, was a concept that made other Deities have to concentrate on bowel control. Shit, The Mother of Water Panthers had fuckin' eaten an entire Pantheon or three, from what I could tell. But Poseidon was near the top of the Shit Pyramid, one that had been pushing power upward to accumulate for millennia. As noted, I'm not really afraid he could do more than shatter me like I'd done to myself before Curing New Amsterdam, and that's only if he's way faster and stronger than I think he is.

I'm worried about collateral.

Right now the east coast of Atlantis is getting hammered by a century storm, at least two lengths of beach are utterly demolished, and I'm pretty sure that we're gonna have some ecological problems when all the corpses start to rot. I need to get with the Kraken and see if they can't do anything about that. Saffron too, just in case she's got insights. Maybe Diana; she's not a sea Goddess, but she's kind of a Nature Goddess. Maybe Lily and Rabbit or even Bear, if she's verbal.

But that's kind of my point. All that shit is incidental side effects of the warm up act. If Poseidon has access to anywhere near as much power as I can concentrate in one place, the fuckin' crust of the planet will give before either of us. I know I did a little bit of geographic damage ending the Hole, and more when Marie got ambushed, but those were, comparitively, itty bitty bits of harm. Shit that will alter the local ecosystem. Not Krakatoa level shit, which I'm certain will happen if I go up against Poser head to head, full strength versus full strength. Hence Plan Poser Puncture.

Which started with me yelling, "Yo! Poser! I heard you were looking for me!"

Okay, to be completely clear it started when I poured Mana into reinforcing all my buff Skills, because while I am a dumbass, I am not an idiot. Also, right when I spotted him, I'd whispered out a mental, Marie? Let Thanatos know I need him, please. I'd also Co-Located another of me away to target the Shaping that West Tower-me had been doing.

I'm glad I had, because I'd underestimated Poser's reaction time, not to mention his actual reaction. He spun toward me, and I barely managed to turn and slide sideways enough to avoid the center spike of his trident giving me an emergency tracheotomy. Of course a moment later the fuckin' thing reminded me that it was in fact a trident, and the dent between the center and side point caught the side of my neck and carried me away from him. The sound of a thousand stainless steel army ants marching covered my head as I reflexively activated Menace's borrowed tiara. Just in time, too, because Poser yanked his arm back, and the barbs on one of the tips caught me right in the jugular. Didn't penetrate, but sure as fuck reminded me that I was in fact tall for a girl sized, not Mrs. Driver.

A moment later Poser's fist knocked me clear of his trident, and he laughed, coarse and surprisingly nasal. "You? You are the one my nephew claims not to fear?"

Just before my uncontrolled tumble hit the water, he kicked me. Knocked the wind out of me, and I wheezed out, "fucker!" As I flew, he drew back his trident again, and I slipped across to the Mortal Realm.

His trident followed me.

Honestly, given Apollo's arrows and how they'd left folks in the area surrounding Phileo dying of plague when they managed to hit, I wasn't super surprised. It still took a Translocation backward to buy an extra half second for me to catch it, wrapping my left hand around the central spike, swearing under my breath and holding myself still with half a dozen tentacles wrapped around my waist when he yanked it back. The fuckin' barbs hurt like a bitch, but didn't penetrate my skin. Okay, maybe tiny pinpricks right at the tips, but paper cuts weren't gonna win this fuckin' fight.

I wasn't sure it would work, what with him starting out in M-Space, but apparently laws of physics hold sway over even Deities unless they're tryna make them not. The surprise on Poser's face when his own yoink not only pulled him into the Mortal Realm, but pulled his left shoulder right onto the point of my Mana Lance put a feral smile on my own. "Tag! You're it, bitch boy!"

I brought my Mana Lance down on the haft of his trident, right where his hand grasped it. He managed to get out of the way by the simple expedient of letting go, and I got my own not very surprising ugly surprise when the haft remained perniciously unsevered. He yanked again, and I let go of the business end of his trident, letting it slam back into his hand. "Did you think the Lord of the Sea's trident would fall prey to your simple tricks?"

With that he slapped my Mana Lance aside and stabbed at me. I dodged, taking special note that he'd used his bracer, not his hand, and when I riposted aiming at his face, he ducked to the side just as quick as I did. "I mean, I kinda hoped, y'know. They sure as shit fucked up your niece's arms and your nephew's bow. Not to mention your new realm."

"Bragging little bitch demigoddess!" With each word he swung or stabbed at me, either with his trident or his fist. On the word 'demigoddess', I managed to tag his knuckle with my Mana Blade, and he jerked away, his swearing going just a tiny bit incoherent.

"Nah. Just stating facts, Poser." I swung sideways, tilting my head. "Damn."

He frowned. "What?"

I shrugged. "Was hoping you'd maybe have more ass to kick. Guess we're both lacking in the trunk junk department. So sad. Guess that's why you can't keep a wife."

Dunno why, but his laughter had some definite rage tinting it as he came at me. I called my swordstaff, split it, and proceeded to spend the next couple minutes doing nothing but blocking his swings and stabs. "Foolish girl. Do you think I care for such things?"

"Eh. Your family, nah. Obviously not, the way you killed your brother and his dog."

He just snorted. "He was weak. His entire being wrapped up in his wife and 'caring' for the Souls of Mortals."

"Not even going to mention his dog? What an asshole. I mean, I get it, you're Greek, so assholes are gonna be involved, but I didn't realize you were this big of an asshole." Yeah, that got another few minutes of him coming at me, raging and stabbing and generally pissed off. "How are you such a giant asshole with that lack of an ass?" His fist caught my hand where I held one of my swordstaves, and he grinned in triumph when I dropped it. He looked less pleased when, after shaking my hand, I summoned it back up. "Wait, is that why you're upset? All your boyfriends leave because your ass is too loose for a whale to feel that good grippy grippy?"

Look, I have no idea why he seemed even more pissed off about me talking shit about his lack of an ass or his gaping asshole than I was about my own inexplicable lack of junk in my trunk, but I wasn't about to let up. I spat shit about his ass for I don't fuckin' know how long. He kept falling for the bait, kept coming at me, tryna skewer me. Gotta say, I was way more worried about his trident than his fist, and he managed to connect a couple times. Pretty sure I lost a tooth, and my right shoulder ached where I'd caught a hit meant to take me in the chest.

He slowed down a little when I ran out of original shit to say about the insufficiency of his ass, picked up a little when I started talking about how I wasn't sure I had a tentacle big enough to satisfy his bussy, at which point I lit up the Mana Blades on the ends of my sword staves. He slid away, shifted his stance, and pulled out a shield. Not quite the size of the ones Ares' priests carried, but not quite a buckler, either. A kind of curved sorta circle with a chunk out of one side, but after one blocked strike I realized he'd done whatever Deities do to make things Mana Blade proof.

"Huh. Did I finally get through your first HP bar?" He shook his head, and I took that moment of distraction, combined with a particularly big wave rolling under our feet, to leap forward and slam both of my Mana Blade enhanced sword staves into his shoulders.

I'd managed to surprise him for a moment, but not only did neither my Blades nor my blades do more than mar the finish of his armor, he looked down at me from his eight foot height, snorted, "idiot," and Sparta-kicked me straight backward hard enough to punch through a couple waves, following me with a leaping lunge. Before he could give me some new piercings, I slid my swordstaves together, then summoned up my trusty shield from the Battle of the Bay. It cracked a little when he hit it, but that didn't surprise me.

Yeah, I'd had it made to be cracked. Not like anything Conrad makes will break unless he intends it to do so. Also, because I'm sure someone will ask me about this at some point, I hadn't learned to walk on water or any crazy cool bullshit like that. While I could swim well enough to tread water and keep everything above my waist above water, that wasn't a good method for dealing with twenty foot waves or enraged ocean Deities. Instead, Blended tentacles as stepping stones for the win.

Of course, that meant that a couple times his trident had stabbed my tentacles when he missed my body, which stung like a bitch. If he took my winces as some kind of exhaustion, that was fine too.

I'm not sure how my son managed to make a shield that cracked when hit hard enough, but still retained or eventually regained enough integrity to block incoming strikes, to retain or regain a recognizable shield shape. Honestly, I really didn't want to. I had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with somebody offending him, but if he'd done it before I adopted him, it wasn't my fault, and if it happened afterward, I could always have him undo it. Yeah, I know, more evidence that I'm the Bad Guy, not eschewing something that might be immoral because it was useful. At the same time, I didn't think about it after the Battle of the Bay because of the whole 'pelvisn't' pain, and I didn't remember the shield until I was kitting up for this fight, at which point I needed it.

God, I am such a hypocrite.

You could try being less of one?

Little busy, Dad.

The first time Poseidon's trident hit my shield squarely, it cracked straight down the middle, the boss and metal edge the only things holding it together as the tip of his trident sank into my arm. When I yanked my arm away, splurting some blood as I did, Poser slid back and took a moment to catch his breath, grinning like the fool he was. "So, did I get through your HP bar?"

I shook my head. "You are such a fuckin' moron. Isn't he a fuckin' moron, bro?"

He glanced up when Thanatos, hovering in the sky above us, called back, "he faces you in combat after the fate of Tartarus. Is that not proof enough?"

Poser threw his trident, and I took that moment to charge in, sword staves flashing, shield hanging from my back. I heard the echoing ring of Thanatos deflecting Poser's trident with his sword, and leapt back and away as Poseidon pulled his arm back. I'm not sure which pissed him off more, me reading his move well enough to pre-emptively dodge, or the fact that I accelerated my departure by planting my foot in his crotch. Yeah, he had a big old metal codpiece. Yes, me hammering it hard enough to leap away left part of it concave.

"Bitch," he wheezed. "I will bind you in Tartarus, spend an eternity fucking your living corpse."

I dropped my guard, tilted my head. "Wait, you didn't get the fuckin' memo?" Confusion painted his face almost as much as sweat, and I snorted and said, "fuckin' moron, not realizing the fuckin' demesnes you stole from your brother is gone."

"What do you mean, gone?"

I shook my head, my hands tense and ready to come back up. "Sorry, shit for brains, I have neither the time, inclination, nor crayons to explain the word 'gone' to you."

Yeah, that got him pissed again. Pissed enough that he reared back, lifted his trident to the blackened afternoon sky, and screamed, "die!"

Lightning struck. Not anything like directed, either, but everywhere, strike after strike of storming rage as the wind and water raged. I held out my hand for the one defense I had, while in the sky Thanatos put on an incredible display of elegant evasion.

The handle of the hammer struck my palm just as the first of the strikes managed to hit me. I sat there laughing as I magnified my voice louder than the storm and shouted, "isn't that your little brother's IP? He gonna be pissed at you for biting on his shit."

He threw his trident again. This time when I slapped it away with the weapon in my hand, sparks flew. When he pulled it back, one of the tips had broken off. "Bitch!"

I shrugged. "Not my fault the tip broke off when you tried to stick it in me. Poor penetration, per Poser Poseidon's preferred position." Then I tipped my head back and put on my best thoughtful look. "Wait, is that why you can get away with using his weapon? Because that's why your asshole is gaped so big? Is Poser Poseidon's preferred position penetrated by Pater Zeus?"

Yeah, he did not like that. He leapt at me, and I brought the hammer down. In the metaphoric sense as well, since with that motion I called down a single bolt of lightning on his head. One strike, clean as that. His fuckin' face bounced off the ocean's surface, his nose shattered and bleeding. "Just fucking die, you upstart bitch."

"Been there. Done that. Ripped the tee shirt off Wifey Marie to watch her boobs bounce." I looked away again, pondering. "I guess you wouldn't get the appeal of bouncing boobs, being into bottoming for your brother." He came at me then, and by his reaction time I could tell the single most important thing so far. More important than him bleeding, or angry, or anything else. He'd slowed down. He was tiring.

Strength versus strength, we'd crack the fuckin' planet, yeah. But Endurance? Mother Terra has got Endurance for fuckin' days. I'm sure the coast would wind up needing to shelter for a week or two after this. But then, it was nearly Yule. We'd brought in the harvest weeks ago. We were set to hunker down anyhow. Fuck Poseidon's vaunted Strength, his power. I'd let him swing at me for damn near twenty-four fuckin' hours, and this fucker was already tired.

He hit me shield first, a shoulder charge with his shield. I took that on my head, trusting Conrad's gift to Menace. I deflected his trident with my swordstaff, and brought my hammer right up into his crotch. Yeah, it wasn't the first time, and even with him tired he managed to twist out of the way. Of course that left a dent in the armor on his thigh. I smiled as he shoved me backward, and that smile enraged him even further. Water flowed up his legs, his torso, his arms, and he came at me again, the ocean itself lending him strength.

I poured Mana into my defenses, into my limbs, and met him blow for blow. We struck, stabbed, slashed at one another. I bled. He buckled. I leapt backward, and he laughed. "Your blood feeds me, whore, and now I have your weapon!"

I shook my head, winced at a purpling bruise on my neck that I didn't remember getting, blinking as I realized he'd stolen away my hammer. Stolen away my resistance to lightning along with the mantle of the God of Thunder. "Slut."

I'd meant to correct him, but I guess he took it as another joke about him putting out for Olympus' top. He came at me again, screaming hoarsely as lightning struck everywhere around me. I jumped back to M-Space to dodge. He leapt after me, coming through the veil between realms like it was made of tissue paper.

Opaque tissue paper.

Every one of my tentacles within reach came down on him, one after another. Every time his head broke the surface, another cat five tentacle slammed directly onto his dome, slamming him back under the water. Over and over and over until he rose from the surface, growing as he screamed out, "ENOUGH!"

I heard that shit from the fuckin' West Tower. Poseidon stood there, big enough my tentacles slamming into him barely jostled him, couldn't knock his trident or Thor's hammer from his grip. He looked down at me, opened his mouth, but before he could say anything I called out, "betcha can't do that over there!"

I leapt back to the Mortal Realm. He followed, although here in the Mortal Realm keeping that much mass above the water seemed a little harder. I couldn't tell how much of the water pouring off of him was rain, how much was sweat, and how much was the ocean returning to itself. He looked way down at me standing there on the surface of the water, on the surface of my Blended tentacle, and pronounced, "now you die, arrogant little demigoddess!"

I looked him right in the eyes, that moment when two fighters stare each other down coming now, at the end of our fight, rather than at the beginning. I glanced away at the shadow behind him. "Take him, bro. Right in the dome."

Poseidon glanced above and behind me, to where Thanatos hovered, squawking out, "what?"

Poser let out a single, belly shaking, eyes closed guffaw.

Before his eyes opened, Jormungandr's fang punched straight through him from crown to crotch, venom dripping into the sea between his thighs.

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