High School DxD: Fox of Ill Omen

Yuki

After Asia and the others left, I sat on the edge of the cot that sat in the far corner of the training room.

I had requested it a few days ago when I started training later into the night to try and control Malediction’s Embrace’s effects on me. 

Once the three of them had left I was tired enough that I didn’t trust myself to stand immediately.

Lady Mireia’s training had already left me feeling as though someone had scraped my nerves raw, then made my body keep moving anyway.

Holding that state together, forcing myself out of it, frightening Asia, answering questions I had not wanted to answer, and admitting out loud that Rias had been avoiding me had taken its toll on me.

But now I was alone and the room had gone quiet once again.

My body had reached the point where it no longer felt fair to call the sensation fatigue.

It felt more like a hollowness that follows after too much pain, too much shame, and too much guilt stacked together.

Everything in the room looked calm.

I wasn’t.

I leaned forward, rested my elbows on my knees, and pressed my hands over my face.

I had nearly hurt Asia.

She had been shaken, blushing, confused, and scared, but still more concerned about me than herself by the time I had managed to pull myself back together.

She had been more concerned over her confusion that I had become a stray, rather than her own safety and dignity.

She had thought my physical changes were signs that I was turning into a monster that would have to be put down.

When she hugged me and nearly broke down crying in relief, I didn’t know what else to do but awkwardly hug her back.

She had said it wasn’t my fault and that she didn’t want me to continue to blame myself, as she knew that I wouldn’t hurt her, but I didn’t know if that was true.

I had been too focused on my state.

I hadn’t realized she was in the room with me.

When I did, it was too far under the effect of my new ability to think clearly.

I was on top of her in a moment and I barely had enough restraint to stop myself from doing more than breathing in her scent.

And then Yuuto and Xenovia rushed in when she yelled for them, and I could only think that they were intruding and trying to take her from me.

Just thinking about it brought back the shame and anger at myself for not controlling myself, or ensuring that no one entered while I was training.

I had come out of it then and immediately been horrified with myself.

Asia comforted me despite being the one who should be afraid and disturbed by what I had done.

She had said I wouldn’t have hurt her, but I don’t know what I would have done if Xenovia and Yuuto hadn’t been there.

I didn’t know if I would injured her or done something awful to her that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself after I came to my senses.

I let out a small breath into my palms.

And not only had I almost done something horrible to Asia, but the subject of Rias had come up too.

I had handled the rest badly too.

I had said as little as I thought was acceptable without telling them something they didn’t need to hear.

It was my fault.

That was all that was important.

But Yuuto hadn’t let it drop.

She had not pressed for details after a certain point, but she seemed to realize something as we spoke.

If she thought this had become serious enough to involve herself in, then she would not leave it alone easily.

But the last thing I wanted was for someone to drag Rias into a conversation she plainly did not want.

That's why I had asked them to stay out of it.

I lifted my head and stared where the tea had spilled on the floor.

Maybe I should have gone after them and made that even more explicit.

No.

Asia would worry more, Xenovia would ask more direct questions, and Yuuto would only become more determined if she had already set her mind on it.

A faint, tired smile touched my mouth for barely a second at the thought and then it vanished.

Rias.

Thinking her name only made the hollow feeling in me deepen.

I had tried, these last few days, not to let my thoughts circle too tightly around her.

I had thrown myself into trying to master Malediction’s Embrace.

But then my mind would punish me if I let it wander.

You pushed her too far.

She’s too uncomfortable to look at you.

You saw what you wanted to see, answered it, and made her regret the whole thing the moment she thought you had taken it seriously.

I pressed my hands tighter over my face.

I had noticed her stop treating the kiss like practice and get lost in it.

It turned into something she was no longer doing for someone else.

I had tried to reel it back, but when she kissed me again I had not stopped.

I shouldn’t have.

I had told myself I wouldn’t get carried away like with Akeno.

This was much more delicate and I couldn’t let myself get caught up in it.

But instead, I answered her.

Then she pushed me away and ran while I called out to her.

I exhaled slowly and let my hands drop from my face.

I moved my thoughts somewhere else.

I still needed to speak with Akeno.

I had been too caught up in training to find the time to seek her out.

I just wanted to make sure she was fine. 

We had talked a bit about her past and her views on her Father, though not directly.

So I understood her situation well enough to try and help, or at least let her know that she didn’t have to face her pain alone.

That I may not understand it fully, but I could relate to it in some ways.

I glanced towards the darkening windows, to the purple sky beyond them.

I shifted my thoughts again, this time to Koneko.

Things had been going well for her, I think.

I had visited her a few more times while she had been training.

I didn’t stay long when I did, but she seemed to like that I checked on her.

Each time I would visit, she had her Youkai traits out, and she had told me that she had been practicing with her Nekomata powers more.

She still seemed uncertain and frightened of them, but she was moving forward.

I debated going to visit her again, when I thought better of it, as it was already too late.

I could check in with her tomorrow, right now I needed to sleep.

I moved myself up the bed and layed my head on the pillow.

I closed my eyes and tried to relax.

_________________________________________

I sat up quickly at the sound of a knock on the door.

I looked across the room as I got my breathing under control.

It was much darker than it had been before.

I must have fallen asleep for a few hours.

I looked to the door and my first thought was Asia.

Then I realized that she would have called out to me by now.

Koneko would have as well if it were her.

A servant, perhaps.

I crossed the room, unlocked the door and opened it.

Rias stood on the other side.

The expression she wore was composed enough that anyone passing in the corridor might have mistaken it for ease.

I could see how strained her composure looked as she stood before me.

My body reacted before my thoughts could catch up.

I straightened too quickly, folded my hands neatly in front of me, and heard my own voice come out far more formal than it should have.

“Buchou.”

The title left my mouth like a reflex pulled tight by fear.

Rias’s eyes changed at once.

She looked hurt for a moment, before she smoothed her expression.

I cast my gaze lower.

She looked at me for a second, then said quietly, “May I come in?”

“Yes.” I stepped aside at once. “Of course.”

She passed me and entered the room, and I closed the door behind her more gently than necessary out of habit.

The air between us felt unbearably careful.

Rias turned to face me fully near a low table in the corner.

Her gaze flicked once to the remains of the tea set, to the magic circles on the floor, then back to me.

I should have waited, and let her tell me why she was here, but the apology started before I could stop it.

“Buchou, about the other night, I—”

“No.”

She said it quickly enough that I fell silent at once.

Firm in a way that told me she had come here prepared to stop exactly that.

I looked at her.

Rias took one small breath, then another, as though steadying herself.

“You are not apologizing first,” she said.

For a moment I thought I had misheard her.

That uncertainty must have shown on my face, because something in her expression tightened.

Rias lowered her eyes briefly, then raised them again.

“I came because I needed to speak to you properly,” she said. “And because I’ve already left things too long.” Her mouth pressed together for the smallest moment. “I’m sorry.”

I didn’t know how to reply.

I had thought about this conversation often enough over the last few days.

In none of those thoughts had Rias started there.

Not by apologizing to me.

She looked pained in a way I didn’t know what to do with.

I stood motionless and let the words hit me fully.

Rias went on before I could answer.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you,” she said. “I’m sorry for leaving you in the dark like that. And I’m sorry for making you think—”

She stopped for just a second, as though forcing herself over the next part.

“Making you think that it was entirely your fault, like I was punishing you.”

I searched her face for a moment before I spoke.

“I didn’t think you were punishing me.”

It wasn’t a lie.

Punishment implied anger and a deliberate desire to hurt.

I had not thought that.

I had thought something simpler and crueler.

Rias seemed to hear the distinction immediately.

“No,” she said quietly. “But you thought nothing that went wrong should be blamed on me.”

I did not answer.

I didn’t need to.

The silence did it for me.

Yuuto must have spoken to Rias about this once she left.

“Buchou,” I said softly, “you pushed me away and ran.

It came out more evenly than I felt.

“I know,” she said at once.

“I realized what had changed.” My throat tightened, but I made myself continue. “I knew you’d stopped treating it as only practice. I knew that. And I… I answered you instead of stopping. And I got drawn into the moment,” I held her gaze. “When you pushed me back and ran, I thought I had gone too far too fast.”

Rias inhaled slowly through her nose.

“That’s what I needed to talk to you about.”

I waited.

She stood with, one hand resting lightly on the back of the chair beside the low table, as though keeping hold of something solid.

“I was the one who changed it first,” she said.

Rias did not look away from me this time.

“I went there because of Ise,” she said, “You know that already. I was jealous and self-conscious and feeling ridiculous, and I wanted…” She sighed once, quietly annoyed at herself. “I wanted him to look at me as Rias, not just Buchou.”

That was something she hadn’t said before.

Rias went on.

“And I’m the one who convinced you that it would be fine to do it, even after you tried to question me. I was the one to take it beyond what we had agreed to.”

Rias exhaled.

“Then I panicked,” she said. “Not because you disgusted me. Not because you’d forced something onto me. I was the problem, not you”

“Buchou I—“

“Yuki,” Rias said firmly, cutting me off. “You did nothing wrong.”

Something in my chest that had been drawn tight for days loosened.

I still thought that it was more complicated than she was making it out to be, that even if it wasn’t entirely my fault, it was still partially.

But she didn’t hate me. 

I hadn’t ruined things between us.

Rias continued more quietly.

“I panicked because I realized what I was doing. I’d gone there because of Ise, and then in the middle of it I’d stopped thinking about him entirely.” The confession embarrassed her enough that the last word came out sharper than the rest. “I realized I’d been the one to go too far first, and then you started to kiss me more deeply, and then I—”

She let out a small, humorless breath.

“I reacted badly…. Very badly.”

That was one way to say it.

I almost smiled at that thought.

Instead I said, “I thought I had scared you when I kissed you back.”

Rias’s expression tightened at once. “No.”

The answer was immediate enough to surprise me.

Then she flushed as though the force of her own denial had caught up with her half a second too late.

“Then why did you react that way? You could have told me to stop, and I would have.” I said softly.

Rias looked at me, then away, then back again.

“Because I was confused by how I felt. I felt guilty and confused… and I didn’t know what to do.”

If that was true, then I could understand part of why she had avoided me.

“I wasn’t trying to take anything from Issei-san,” I said.

Rias’s gaze snapped back to mine.

I had the thought since the night in my room, but I hadn’t been able to tell her that until now.

“I wasn’t trying to steal a moment you meant for someone else,” I continued. “And I wasn’t trying to trap you in something you didn’t want. When you stopped treating it like practice, I… let myself get caught up in the moment. That’s all.” I let out a small breath. “Then you ran, and I realized that it was a poor decision.”

Rias stared at me for a second too long.

When she spoke, her voice was smaller.

“I know that it wasn’t like that.”

The room was quiet enough that I could hear the curtains move at the window.

Rias looked down at the table and whispered something to herself.

She let go of the chair back and took one small step closer.

“I should have come to you sooner, and I hurt you by not doing so,” she said. “Even if I still haven’t figured my own feeling out yet, I shouldn’t have thought that I could hide from you.” Her mouth tightened with irritation at that last part. “You should never have been left alone long enough to think I was disgusted by you.”

I had the urge to say something sarcastic or dry to try and make how much it had hurt me seem smaller.

Instead I asked I asked, “Did Yuuto-san talk to you?”

A strange mix of resignation and fond exasperation crossed Rias’s face.

“Yes.”

Of course.

I looked down. “I told her not to bother you.”

“She told me.”

Yuuto was far too observant and too willing to act when one of us needed it, even if they would be upset with her afterwards.

I muttered, “I should have know she would go to you.”

That did pull the faintest, briefest curve at one corner of Rias’s mouth.

“She probably would agree with you.”

Silence fell again, but now it felt less like a wall between us and more like uneven ground.

“There was something else that she mentioned to me that I want to talk about,” Rias said hesitantly.

I raised a brow at her.

“What else did Yuuto-san say?” I asked.

Rias paused like she was trying to think of the best way to put it.

“…Yuki, did you agree to help me because you wanted to, or because you thought you had to?”

I frowned at her, but she continued before I could say anything.

“It’s just that… I know that your past was difficult, and Yuuto pointed out how much value you place on usefulness. I wanted to know… I need to know if you thought you had to do it. If to you it was your [King] making a demand of you that you had to accept. I-I need you to tell me if I forced you into it,” she said.

Her voice was more raw by the end of it.

My frown deepened as I listened.

“I made the decision because I wanted to help you, Buchou.” I said, my voice tinged anger. “My friend came to my room worried and nervous, and I could help. I won’t lie and say that wasn’t a part of my thought process, but I know that I could have told you no and I would have if I wanted to.”

“But your other—“

“Rias,” I said, cutting her off. “I can make decisions for myself. If you ask me for help and I choose to, it's because I want to, not because I’ve been conditioned to. It’s the same with what has happened between Akeno and I before. She didn’t force me to do anything.”

“I know, Yuki,” she replied. “I just- I  need to be better than your other [Kings] were. I promised you that I would help you. If I had forced you into something, I never would have forgiven myself.”

“You didn’t and I don’t want you or the others questioning if me agreeing to something really matters. I don’t want to be treated as if I am unable to make decisions for myself

She nodded.

“I understand. I’m sorry if I made you upset.”

I let out a breath to cool my anger.

“You were just worried. I’m fine.”

I looked around the room.

I realized then how tired I still was and how late it had become.

But then I looked at the spot where I had pinned Asia earlier.

I returned my gaze to Rias and saw that she had composed herself again.

“Did Yuuto-san tell you what happened today?” I asked.

“Yes, or at least part of it.” Rias’s gaze flicked around the room. “And that you haven’t only been hiding from me. You’ve been hiding because of training too.”

I did not answer immediately.

“Yuki, can you tell me what happened with Asia? Yutto said neither of you were hurt, but she wouldn’t say much more.”

“I can,” I said.

Rias waited.

I drew a breath.

Lady Mireia would probably tell me that wasting time would fix nothing. 

So I did not.

“The training Lady Mireia has me doing isn’t only about improving my spell control,” I said. “It’s about something I didn't fully understand before. My seals are worsening the backlash separately from the original backlash of my spells. I had thought it was amplifying it, but instead there are two sources of backlash instead.”

Rias’s expression sharpened instantly.

She went from a guilty and concerned friend to a [King] in moments.

I went on.

“She’s been helping me build a state to compensate for that mismatch. Something that lets my body work around the backlash caused by my seals.” I paused. “It isn’t finished. It isn’t safe. And earlier today Asia walked in while I was using it.”

Rias’s voice was steady, but I could see the concern in her face. 

“What happened?”

I said, “The state that Lady Mireia and I created for me affects me mentally when I am in it.”

Rias went still.

Then she nodded once for me to continue.

“Those changes can affect how I act due to increasing my instincts and lowering inhibitions,” I continued. “The main reason I’ve been so absent recently was that I have been practicing to master it. And Asia walked into the room while I was.”

I looked at the floor again as I felt shame rise in my chest again.

“If Xenovia-san and Yuuto-san weren’t there, I could have seriously hurt her.” 

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