I Am The Greatest Femboy Mage

All of them except Rudra had dinner together that day, none of speaking as they were lost in their own specific stream of thoughts, none of them really brave enough to uncork the tide that would come if one dared.

Elian was pushing rice around his plate. Across the table, Milena stared at her soup like it owed her money. Oizys had abandoned pretense entirely and was just sitting there, chewing, staring at nothing.

Darrow was the only one eating normally.

Elian decided not to think too hard about what that meant.

It was more so that he couldn’t afford the energy to do so, all things said and done.

They split apart without any words too, only exchanging a few tired, but knowing nods as they walked to their respective dorms.

Elian pushed the door open and found Bellamy already there. Sitting on the edge of his own bed instead of sprawled the way he usually was, his boots still on.

That was the first sign something was wrong.

Bellamy took his boots off before existing was over for the day, usually.

"You beat me here," Elian said, mostly because saying something felt better than not.

"Cordelia walked slow. Kept stopping to say things like ’processing’ out loud, like some broken record." Bellamy didn’t look up right away. "I let her get ahead so I didn’t have to hear it twice."

Elian shut the door behind him and stood there for a second, not sure what to do with his own hands.

Eventually he sat down across from Bellamy, on the floor, because his bed felt too far away and also somehow like the wrong kind of decision to make right now.

"So," Bellamy said.

"So." Elian repeated.

"That happened."

"That happened..." He nodded.

Neither of them said anything else for a while.

Somewhere down the hall, Elian could faintly hear someone laugh at something, oblivious.

It sounded like it was coming from a different world entirely.

"I keep doing the thing," Bellamy said eventually, "where I try to make it make sense of it as a joke. Like, in my head. ’Ha! a demonic cult wants to turn my roommate into a sacrifice, wild week.’ And it’s not landing. It’s just sitting there. Not as funny as i would like it to be."

Elian stared at him for a long moment, taken aback.

"You heard what she said?"

Bellamy sighed.

"I left a weak spying spell on you when I left, never thought the damned thing that my family drilled into me so long ago would come in handy."

A long stretch of silence.

Elian was the first to speak.

"You don’t have to make it funny, you know that right?" He said, fiddling with his staff which he had laid across his lap.

"I know. I just don’t know what else to do with it." Bellamy finally looked at him. "Do you... know what to do with it?"

"No."

"Good. At least I’m not alone on being lost."

Elian huffed something that wasn’t a laugh, not quite, but was aiming in that direction.

"I keep running the scenario over and over again in my head. Like if I think about it hard enough it’ll turn out to be about someone else."

"Is it working?"

"No."

Bellamy, sighed, then finally toed his boots off, one dropping heavier than the other.

"For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re going to die. I’ve decided this, and It’s final. You’re too annoying to kill efficiently."

"That’s not reassuring."

"It’s the only kind of reassuring I’ve got in stock tonight." He flopped backward onto the mattress, staring at the ceiling.

"I’ve heard the stories, Reyes is gonna murder all five of you slower than the cult would, though. Just putting that out there. Which would be a completely different kind of dying, more painful too."

"You’re not helping."

"I’m trying my best okay? And I’m aware that it’s a very inefficient way, but it’s the best I have right now."

A pause, quieter.

"You looked scared, back there. In the lecture hall."

Elian didn’t answer right away.

"I was."

"Yeah." Bellamy didn’t push it further, didn’t try to fix it with another joke. Just let it sit there a second, acknowledged.

Then, softer,

"You’ve got people now, though. Milena looked worried when I left, and you have me, and even if they don’t like it, the rest are going to have to follow you eventually."

A moment of hesitation.

"That’s not nothing. Whatever this turns into."

Elian looked over at him, at the boots kicked into the wrong corner, at the ceiling Bellamy was still staring at like it had answers.

"Yeah," he said. "I know."

"Good. Say it again in the morning when you’re less tired and more likely to mean it."

"I’ll mean it now."

Bellamy grinned at the ceiling, small, real.

"Fine. I’ll allow it."

Another beat of silence.

"You’re going to have to work harder from now on."

Elian smiled, the tiredness in him settling into something more comfortable now that his worries had been voiced.

"I know,"

"You have a plan for keeping up?"

Elian considered the question for a moment,

"I have an inkling."

Bellamy shifted, looking at him. "And what would that be?"

"I’ll be on my own for the next while, Since the ever-" He paused, correcting himself. "Since Kaveri isn’t going to be able to talk to me."

Bellamy waited as Elian stopped to think.

"The first thing I’d need to work on would be my self confidence, considering it has so much do with unlocking the rest of the resonance bond. The rest of the plan would just be me having to hold hard until this thing," He held up the staff. "Is finally awake and talking again."

He hesitated.

"I’m sure she’d know what the best course of action is."

The both of them were silent for a long time after that.

The silence stretched, but it wasn’t the same kind as before—not the frozen, unspent kind from dinner.

This one was not lost, it had somewhere to go.

Bellamy broke it first, predictably.

"So... Self-confidence, It’s a big goal. You want a syllabus, or are you just winging it?"

"Winging it."

"Terrible plan. Ten out of ten though, very you."

He rolled onto his side to actually look at Elian.

"I could help, you know. I’ve got loads of confidence. Dangerously so, some would say."

"Some would say reckless."

"Same thing, different font." Bellamy propped his head on one hand.

"I’m serious though. You don’t have to figure out how to believe in yourself by staring at a wall alone at midnight, that sounds like a hobby that gets worse the longer you do it."

Elian looked down at the staff still resting against his knee.

"I don’t really know what else there is to do."

"What you need to do is start smaller. Don’t aim for ’unshakeable confidence,’ trying to copy me. Aim for something like ’i tried talking to more people today.’ Baby steps. You’re not fighting with your feelings, you’re just trying not to lose to them."

Bellamy hesitated, then shrugged.

"I don’t know much myself, to be honest. I’m making this up as I go myself. But its worked so far for me, and I’m sure it’ll do for you as well."

Elian gave him a tired smile.

"It sounds like something you read on the back of a teacup."

"I’ll have you know I’ve never once read the back of a teacup." A beat, for the dramatic effect. "I read the side."

That one actually pulled a real laugh out of Elian, genuine, short and a little rough from disuse.

Bellamy looked disproportionately pleased with himself for it.

"There it is," Bellamy said. "Keep that. That’s the goal. Do that more."

"That’s not a plan, it’s just you wanting to hear yourself be funny."

"Two birds, one stone" He flopped back down, staring at the ceiling again.

"For what it’s worth... I don’t think you’re doing this alone, even without Kaveri talking. You’ve got a whole idiotic cast of people orbiting you now. Use us. That’s what we’re here for."

Elian was quiet for a second.

Then,

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

He set the staff down carefully against the wall, like it deserved better than being propped on a knee all night.

"I’ll use you."

"Good. I charge in snacks, specifically in ones which you can only get outside of campus."

"Of course you do." Elian let it out with a weak chuckle.

Outside, the torches had burned low enough that the hallway had gone mostly dark. In the room, it was just the last orange edge of light from their lamp, catching the corner of the staff.

Neither of them moved to fix it.

"Get some sleep," Bellamy said eventually, quieter now. "Training waits for no man’s feelings."

"Yeah." Elian pulled his own boots off at last, dropping them somewhere near—not quite in—the corner Bellamy had claimed for his own.

"Night, Amy."

"Amy?"

"It’s revenge for Ellie."

Bellamy smiled.

"Night, Ellie"

The room went dark, and for the first time since this afternoon, Elian’s chest didn’t feel like it had a great weight sitting on it.

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