Immortal Druid

The five pills promised to me finally arrived together with the signboard commissioned from the craftsmen of the Willow Order. The delivery itself had been absurdly extravagant. Several disciples carried the signboard as though they were escorting a sacred relic while another elder personally handed me the lacquered box containing the pills.

The pills were incredible enough on their own.

Even without consuming them, I could already feel the concentrated spiritual energy leaking from the jade container. One pill smelled faintly of cedar and rainwater while another radiated enough heat to warm my fingers through the box. My curiosity practically clawed at my brain. I wanted to lock myself inside a tree immediately and spend the next several days studying them.

Unfortunately, the signboard existed.

And it was impossible to ignore.

A massive archway now stood at the entrance of my sect grounds, built from polished dark timber that curved overhead like intertwined branches. Beneath it stretched the dirt path I had shaped earlier through phytokinesis. Roots stabilized the earth beneath the road while flowering shrubs lined both sides in neat waves of color. Small stone fountains rested every few dozen meters, each one designed for the forest’s birds. Sparrows and spirit finches already hopped around the shallow basins as though they had owned the place for years.

The entire entrance looked dangerously beautiful, which only made the signboard worse.

“Magnificent, isn’t it?” Jia Ping said proudly beside me. “That wood came from a Three-Hundred-Year Emberheart Cedar. The grain alone is considered a treasure among artisans. Ordinary sects would bankrupt themselves for a fragment that size.”

She brushed her fingers across the edge reverently before continuing, “And the characters were personally carved by a master calligrapher from the Willow Order. He used fiery qi to etch every stroke. Look carefully and you can still see traces of heat lingering within the wood.”

I squinted.

There really was a faint reddish glow hidden inside the carved lines.

Jia Ping clearly grew more excited the longer she talked.

“The signboard itself was also blessed with providence techniques,” she continued. “Passing beneath it calms the mind and nourishes the body. Mortals who stay beneath the archway regularly would become healthier over time. Evil spirits and demonic cultivators would also feel uncomfortable approaching the entrance.”

She folded her arms with satisfaction.

“Of course, this is merely the entrance. If you wished, the craftsmen of the Willow Order would eagerly prepare defensive wards throughout the pathway and even around the forest itself.”

I slowly nodded while staring at the signboard.

The craftsmanship truly was incredible, which only made the problem infinitely more distracting.

I turned toward Jia Ping.

“Can you read the sign for me?”

She blinked once before looking toward the signboard. Then she glanced back at me with complete confidence.

“Touch Grass Sect.”

Silence filled the air.

I stared at the signboard again.

Then at Jia Ping.

Then back at the signboard.

I genuinely thought my language lessons with Zhen Ai had somehow failed catastrophically, but no. I was indeed reading the words ‘Touch Grass Sect’ carved proudly across the entrance of my organization.

Jia Ping frowned slightly. “Is there a problem?”

“There’s none,” I answered immediately.

I was just emotionally conflicted.

Because in hindsight, it kind of sounded cool in this world.

Ancient cultivation sects loved strange poetic names. Compared to things like Heavenly Sword Pavilion or Nine Yin Soul Hall, Touch Grass Sect almost sounded philosophical.

Almost.

“You know what?” I declared finally. “I’ve decided. I like this.”

Jia Ping visibly winced.

“Excuse me?” she asked carefully. “You mean you did not like it before? Was it the grain of the wood? Or perhaps the enchantments?”

“There’s no need to overthink it, Jia. I like it! That’s all!”

She narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously.

“Why? What exactly do you like about it?”

Why was she interrogating me like this?

“It has character!” I proclaimed flamboyantly. “The act of touching grass itself is a profound activity that people ought to do more often.”

The more I thought about it, the more the name started growing on me.

Maybe irony really was powerful enough to transcend worlds.

I looked at her honestly.

“Objectively speaking, Touch Grass Sect sounds cool, right?”

She stared blankly at me.

“What exactly do you mean by cool?”

Right.

Translation issue.

The Voice of the World ability apparently struggled with slang.

I rubbed my chin before explaining, “Cool means admirable. Stylish. Impressive. Something people would think positively about.”

Jia Ping considered my explanation seriously for several seconds.

Then she delivered judgment.

“Touch Grass sounds lame,” she declared. “It has the feeling of something old people would say.”

Ouch.

“But you are old too, right?”

Both Jia Ping and I looked upward simultaneously.

Tao Wolong sat casually atop one of the nearby tree branches while chewing roasted sunflower seeds. The boy dangled one leg lazily while tossing shells onto the ground below.

“I mean, you are a cultivator,” he continued thoughtfully. “By human standards, you are a hag now, aren’t you? Hm. Where’s your beard? Like that Guo Yimu guy who visits sometimes? Is there something wrong with you?”

Jia Ping’s expression darkened immediately.

“What are you doing there?” she demanded sharply. “Let me guess. Running away from your mother again because you do not want to study?”

Tao Wolong clicked his tongue dramatically.

“Learning is temporary,” he declared. “But freedom is eternal.”

“That sounds exactly like something an illiterate future criminal would say.”

“I can read!”

“You failed to identify three medicinal herbs yesterday.”

“They all looked green!”

I quietly stepped away from the argument while the two continued glaring at each other.

Low-key, I genuinely felt the name Touch Grass Sect was awesome by xianxia standards.

Seriously.

If another Earthling somehow wandered into this world and saw the signboard hanging proudly above a majestic sect entrance, they would absolutely lose their mind laughing. Meanwhile, native cultivators would probably think the name carried some profound philosophy regarding harmony with nature and spiritual enlightenment.

Honestly, that somehow made it even better.

Li Qing certainly thought it sounded dignified enough. She had looked incredibly proud while processing the paperwork for the sect registration. I still remembered her calmly explaining to how the name embodied “the grounding serenity between man and earth.” Or something.

Beside me, Jia Ping finally snapped at Tao Wolong.

“That’s it!” she barked. “I am telling your mother everything!”

The boy instantly paled.

Jia Ping vanished.

A ripple distorted the air before she appeared nearly fifty meters ahead on the dirt path, her Nascent Soul cultivation allowing her to cross the distance instantly. She turned around mischievously and waved at the horrified Tao Wolong.

“Hey,” she teased sweetly, “if you do not hurry now, I might reach your mother before you do. Imagine the embellishments I can add while telling her your behavior today. Perhaps I shall mention how you disrespected your godfather again.”

“No, you don’t—!”

Tao Wolong launched himself from the tree branch immediately.

A burst of water-attribute qi exploded beneath his feet as he spun into a roundhouse kick midair, using the recoil to accelerate like a cannonball across the pathway. The movement actually looked impressive for someone his age.

Unfortunately for him, Jia Ping was a Nascent Soul cultivator.

She danced around him effortlessly.

One moment the boy was charging heroically, and the next he was somehow flipped onto his back while Jia Ping stole the pouch hanging from his waist.

She leaped backward laughing victoriously while holding the sunflower seeds overhead.

“Ho ho ho! You have delicious snacks here!” she declared. “Come now, Wolong! Hurry before I finish all of them!”

“You old hag!” Tao Wolong cried indignantly as he scrambled back onto his feet. “Come back here! Those are mine! Mother gave them to me!”

The two disappeared farther down the pathway while continuing their ridiculous chase.

I stared after them for a moment before hearing crunching nearby.

Roo suddenly stood beside me.

The giant kangaroo casually chewed roasted sunflower seeds from another pouch while admiring the signboard overhead.

“So,” he said thoughtfully, “we’re the Touch Grass Sect now, huh?”

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

“Please tell me you did not extort those snacks from Wolong.”

“Pffft…” Roo waved dismissively. “I definitely could, but these were rewards for good behavior. Teacher Ai gave them to me.”

I felt unexpectedly jealous.

Mostly because I had been contemplating extorting those snacks myself from Roo.

Zhen Ai had recently developed an interest in cooking, and somehow everything she made tasted amazing. Apparently cultivators who mastered precision in qi manipulation also became terrifyingly competent chefs.

“Ah, my lord, this is where you are.”

Mab appeared beside me so suddenly that I almost jumped.

One instant she was absent, and the next she had attached herself to my arm like an affectionate cat. It was only recently that she started calling me my lord, and I still had no idea how to process that development.

“I thought I lost you,” she said while leaning against me comfortably.

Before I could respond, a powerful voice thundered from above.

“I am Feng Ba of the Iron Blade Hall!”

A man in dark robes descended dramatically from the sky before the sect entrance. Spiritual pressure rolled outward from his Core Formation cultivation while his sword hummed ominously at his waist.

He pointed toward the signboard accusingly.

“I challenge the Touch Grass Sect for ownership of this signboard!”

I blinked.

What?

I genuinely had no idea what this guy’s problem was.

Wasn’t stealing signboards more of a martial arts sect thing? Why was this happening to me?

The cultivator glared fiercely at us, clearly expecting tension and outrage.

Instead, Roo turned toward me thoughtfully.

“So,” he began, “I’ve been reading human books recently and hanging around the city. Apparently humans have this thing called salary.”

Oh no.

“I’m thinking you might need a guard,” Roo continued seriously. “So how much are we talking?”

Perhaps Zhen Ai’s education had gone too far.

“Amusing,” Mab remarked lazily while still clinging to my arm. “But guard dogs are usually content after being fed.”

Roo immediately struck a pose, showing off his muscles.

The kangaroo flexed dramatically while directing sparkling eyes toward me.

“But look at these muscles.”

The Core Formation cultivator’s face twitched violently.

“Are you people listening to me?!” he shouted furiously while drawing his sword. “I said I challenge your sect!”

Honestly, this was probably a good opportunity for Roo to gain combat experience against cultivators. And I was not exactly against paying him either.

“Are spirit stones acceptable?” I asked carefully.

Roo’s ears perked up instantly.

“I’m hired!”

“No, Roo,” I said quickly, “you cannot hire yourself like that. There’s supposed to be a process—”

“No need to complicate things for yourself, Sage Wo Li!” Roo interrupted grandly. “I know my awesome worth!”

He pointed dramatically toward himself.

“But I must warn you,” he continued solemnly, “my services are expensive.”

I suddenly had a terrible feeling.

“One big spirit stone!”

I pressed one hand against my face while trying to maintain composure.

“Surely,” I murmured carefully, “you do not mean per month, right? Maybe you are charging hourly here?”

Roo either did not hear me or deliberately ignored me.

The giant kangaroo threw his head back and laughed triumphantly.

“HA HA HA HA~!” he roared. “YES! YOU HEARD CORRECTLY! ONE BIG SPIRIT STONE!”

He flexed again proudly.

“THAT IS HOW EXPENSIVE I AM!”

Then he declared his final terms with overwhelming confidence.

“ONE BIG SPIRIT STONE A YEAR! THAT IS MY PRICE, SAGE!”

“…”

For a moment, I genuinely could not tell whether Roo was the greatest employee imaginable or the worst businessman in existence.

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