There was one thing I still knew for certain, and it was worth more than any score I could no longer call.
I could not tell you who would win at Marsh Road that afternoon. The map that once handed me the endings had lied to me and then died, and I had buried it weeks back with the crying done.
90 minutes of football was as dark to me as it was to the 4,000 filing through the turnstiles.
The money was the part I could still see.
A tide of it was coming for the game, close now, weeks off, more than the sport had ever swallowed in a single gulp. That knowing was mine, bone-deep, and no missed Saturday had ever laid a finger on it.
Today the club I built could win a division on its own legs. And today, whatever the legs did, I meant to spend the one thing left in my head that had never once told me a lie.
Ted was in the seat beside me an hour before kickoff, the 1996 scarf knotted twice at his throat, his hands already going on the rail.
"I have not slept. 6 nights running." He worked his fingers along the metal. "I told the wife, if we go up I will sleep for a week. And if we go down, I will be gone of it, and I will not need the sleep either way."
"You are going nowhere, Ted. You will sleep your week and wake up in League One."
"79 years old, and a heart like an old kettle left on the hob. Do not tell me what I will not be gone of." He tipped his chin at the pitch. "Look at the state of the place, though. Would you look at it."
I looked.
Marsh Road held every soul it could hold and a few hundred more that it could not. 2 lads had shinned up the gable sign and sat astride the wonky white T like it was a horse. Bald Tony had his bell going hard. ding, ding, ding.
A drum started up in the Bovril End, deep and steady. boom. boom. boom-boom-boom.
"TIL-BROOK. TIL-BROOK. TIL-BROOK."
"WE LOVE YOU TILBROOK, WE DO. WE LOVE YOU TILBROOK, WE DO."
"Win and we are up," Ted said. "Draw and Crawley take it off us at their place, 70 miles away, and it is the play-offs, and my heart will not stand the play-offs." He turned to me. "Tell me you know. Just this once. Tell me the old you knows how it ends."
"I cannot, Ted. I am in the dark with you, same as I have been all spring."
"Then you hold my arm when it turns bad, and I will hold yours."
"That is the deal. Same as last week."
Peep. And the longest afternoon of the season began.
Rotherham had come to spoil. A solid mid-table side with nothing left to win, they put 10 men behind the ball and dared a frightened town to break them down.
"COME ON YOU AMBERS."
We could not break them, for 39 minutes. Gray shot into the side netting. thwock. Reece dragged one wide of the post. dnk, another off a defender and behind.
The crowd went from a roar to a groan and up to a roar again, 4,000 people kicking every ball.
Their keeper smothered a Reece cross off a head in the crowd. slap. From the corner Marsh nodded it down and a boot hacked it off the line. thunk.
Vardy stole a half-yard on the half hour and lashed it goalwards off the turn. whip. Wide by a coat of paint, and the groan went round the terraces and came back up a roar.
"ATTACK. ATTACK. ATTACK-ATTACK-ATTACK."
"Break them down," Ted muttered, his knuckles white on the rail. "Just the once. One gap. That is all we are asking off them. One gap."
"Craig will find it. He finds it every week."
"They are frightened," Ted said. "Our lads. You can see it in them. Frightened of wanting it this badly."
"Craig will settle them. Watch the touchline."
Sadler stood at the edge of his technical area with both palms flat, pressing the air down, telling them to breathe. On 40 minutes they breathed.
Reece slid a ball through a gap that had not been there a heartbeat before. Vardy was onto it before the ball had settled, half a yard and gone, round the keeper and in.
RRRRP. 1-0.
Marsh Road came apart at the seams. boom boom boom went the drum, lost under the roar. Vardy did what he always does, one hand up at the sky and no more, a private word with someone not there, while the whole ground screamed for him.
"MER-CER’S BOY. MER-CER’S BOY. MER-CER’S BOY."
They had called him that for a year, and they called it now at the top of their lungs.
My throat closed. A fortnight of my life had gone into keeping that boy in that shirt against every voice in the game that told me to sell, and here was the boy, and here was the shirt, paying it back in front of 4,000 witnesses.
"1 up," Ted said, crying and roaring in one breath. "1 up at the break. 45 minutes, Sam."
"45 minutes, Ted."
"45 minutes and 60 years."
Peep peep. Tilbrook 1, Rotherham 0.
The second half, they came for us. A side with nothing to lose plays without fear, and fear was the thing we had in surplus. On 62 minutes a corner dropped through a crowd to their big man, and he lashed it in.
rrp. 1-1. The noise went out of Marsh Road like air from a punctured lung.
"No." Ted had my arm again, gripping it the way he gripped it at Underhill. "No. Not this. Not again. I cannot do that last week over, Sam."
"We are home, Ted. Not Underhill. Home. Hold on to me."
"I am holding. Look at my hands, I am holding."
The clock turned and the dread sat down on all of us. A draw was a knife. A draw handed Crawley the seat we had bled a whole year for, on a pitch 70 miles off that I could not see.
Priya stood behind me with a phone and the Crawley score and the good sense to keep out of my eyeline.
"STAND UP FOR THE AMBER ARMY."
The Bovril End tried to sing the fear back down the players’ throats. Sadler threw Big Pete on. Peep. He threw Gayle on.
He pushed Prentice, the captain we bought out of a dying club for buttons, all the way up into their box for the end of it, £40,000 of centre-half stood on the 6-yard line with 8 minutes to drag a season home.
"Get him up there," Ted was shouting at the pitch. "Get everyone up there. Everyone."
Gayle wriggled a half-yard and curled one that their keeper clawed off the top corner. crack. slap. The rebound scrambled clear off a shin. thunk.
Then Rotherham broke, 2 of them on 1 of ours, and 4,000 hearts stopped at once. Their forward opened his body for the far corner. Braithwaite flung himself full length and turned it round the post with his fingertips. smack. tip.
"BRAITH-WAITE. BRAITH-WAITE."
The terrace roared his name back down at him, and he clapped his gloves once and waved every amber shirt forward again.
"How long is left?" Ted had his watch up against his face. "I cannot look at it, Sam. You look."
"4 minutes. Maybe 5 with the stoppages."
"4 minutes. 60 years, and it comes down to 4 minutes."
And blind, in the dark, wanting it past anything money can weigh, I watched my football club go and take the thing itself.
86 minutes. Gray to the byline, the low cross fizzing across the face. whud, a block. The ball loose in the 6-yard box.
And Vardy, because it was always going to be Vardy, because I kept him on my own nerve for exactly this, stabbed it in from 2 yards.
RRRRRRRP. 2-1.
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