Raising the Villain in Wrong Way

"Both are eliminated."

Ji’an slowly applauded, the slow, sarcastic clapping echoing loudly in the quiet arena.

"Beautiful footwork, boys," Ji’an drawled mockingly to the unconscious bodies. "Truly the pinnacle of orthodox grace."

By the time the sun began to set, casting long, eerie shadows across the toxic valley, the exam had reached its bloody, chaotic conclusion.

The arena floor was a disaster zone of craters, scorched earth, and patches of slowly melting black ice.

The medical pavilion of the Azure Dragon Sect was operating at maximum capacity, overflowing with groaning, heavily bandaged disciples from both sects.

Only two combatants remained in the bracket.

Gu Zhiwei, the Golden Retriever, who had somehow managed to survive his matches through sheer, unadulterated physical durability and dumb luck.

And Fairy Xue, the lead maiden of the Azure Crane Pavilion.

Fairy Xue stepped into the arena, her pale blue water-silks stained with soot and sweat.

She did not look like a delicate maiden.

She held a massive, heavy wooden training mallet instead of a slender rapier. Her eyes were hard, focused, and burning with intense, newly forged kinetic intent.

"I do not wish to hurt you, Fairy Xue," Gu Zhiwei offered politely, rubbing a bruise on his cheek. "But I must win this tournament. I must claim the top rank so that Brother Lin will look upon me favorably and accept my dowry!"

Fairy Xue’s eyes narrowed into absolute, aggressive slits.

"The Chef does not want your dowry, you oaf," Xue hissed, entirely abandoning her orthodox modesty. "The Chef desires competence. He desires a partner who understands the compression of Yin! I will pound you into mochi, Zhiwei!"

Up in the VIP box, Ji’an buried her face in her hands again. "They are still fighting over me. I am going to scream until my vocal cords detach."

The gong rang for the final match.

Zhiwei lunged forward, his broadsword glowing with holy light. "Forgive me, Maiden! RADIANT CLEAVE!"

Fairy Xue didn’t dodge. She didn’t retreat.

She planted her feet, widening her stance perfectly, executing the exact hip-rotation Ji’an had drilled into her during the botanical garden session.

She channeled her compressed, hyper-dense Yin energy entirely into the head of the heavy wooden mallet.

"DAO OF THE IRON WHISK: MERINGUE CRUSH!" Xue screamed.

She swung the mallet upward in a brutal, flawless, devastating uppercut.

The heavy wood collided directly with the flat of Zhiwei’s broadsword. The sheer, condensed kinetic mass of the strike completely overpowered the golden light. The broadsword bent backward, slamming into Zhiwei’s own chest.

Zhiwei was launched into the air, flying in a perfect, parabolic arc across the arena, crashing into the spectator bleachers with a massive crash.

He groaned, attempting to sit up, but his left arm hung limply at his side, clearly fractured at the radius.

"I yield... wait, no, my bone is broken!" Zhiwei cheered weakly from the rubble, offering a wobbly thumbs-up to the VIP box. "I fulfilled the condition! Do you love me now, Brother Lin?!"

Fairy Xue stood in the center of the arena, resting the heavy mallet on her shoulder, panting heavily, her eyes locked onto Ji’an with an intense, burning, certified-lesbian gaze of victory.

"I have secured the championship, Chef," Xue declared, her voice dropping into that husky, suggestive register. "I am ready for... private tutoring."

Ji’an stood up from her throne.

She looked at the unconscious Sword Lord, the broken Beast Lord, the hospitalized merchant, the golden retriever trapped in the rubble, and the flirting fairy maiden.

The exam was over.

The Vanguard Tour’s diplomatic objective in the Eastern Basin had been successfully, catastrophically completed.

"Elder Viper," Ji’an said, turning to the poison master, her voice completely devoid of all emotion. "Issue the passing grades to the survivors. Pack the medical supplies. We are leaving this cursed swamp immediately."

"But Martial Uncle," Elder Hex protested, looking up from her notes. "The victory banquet! You must stay for the ceremonial feast! You must share more of your culinary pedagogy!"

"If I stay in this valley for one more hour," Ji’an whispered, her silver-flecked eyes going completely dead, "I am going to start throwing people into the acid pits."

Two hours later, the Celestial Sword Vanguard Retinue was officially evacuated from the Azure Dragon Sect.

They did not fly gracefully into the night sky on glowing swords.

They were loaded onto Ji’an’s massive, expanded palm-leaf yacht like a shipment of highly damaged cargo.

Lu Jianheng’s leg was tightly splinted with petrified wood. Hu Yanlie was unconscious, his arm wrapped in thick bandages. Gu Zhiwei was wearing a sling, happily eating a bowl of medicinal congee that Ji’an had aggressively shoved into his hands to keep him quiet.

Fairy Xue sat near the front of the leaf, polishing her wooden mallet and occasionally casting deeply intense, longing glances at Ji’an’s back.

Ji’an stood at the helm of the palm leaf, her silver hair tied back tightly, her Szechuan Red robes snapping in the wind as she channeled her Body Fusion Qi to propel the yacht away from the toxic miasma valleys as fast as physically possible.

Behind them, the entire population of the Azure Dragon Sect stood at their obsidian gates, weeping openly, waving tearful goodbyes to the psychotic chef who had broken their curriculum and their bones.

"We are finally free," Ji’an muttered to herself, staring straight ahead into the dark night sky.

Shen Zechuan wandered up to the helm, holding a small, glowing green vial. "Elder Viper gave me some venom as a souvenir, Ji’an! He said it causes violent hallucinations. Should we put it in Jianheng’s tea?"

"Put it in my tea, Zechuan," Ji’an sighed, leaning against the bamboo railing. "I want to hallucinate a world where I am a normal baker."

In the back of the yacht, Xie Wangchen stood perfectly still, acting as the ambient climate control. He didn’t look at the wounded boys. He didn’t look at the stars.

His ruby eyes were locked entirely, obsessively, unblinkingly onto the back of Ji’an’s silver head.

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