Rising Shards

I had trouble falling asleep that night. We spent the whole afternoon on filming work, so I ended up getting no time just for Zeta and myself. But surely there would be some fun between us tomorrow? The thought was overwhelming to the point that I couldn't even sleep. All I could think about was Zeta. My whole body felt warm, like my embarrassed blushes had infected every inch of me.

When was the last time we went swimming? We did in gym class but that wasn't super fun, Zeta kept getting nose bleeds so I didn’t really get to swim with her much. There was that time we went to the pool at the Kilander house, where we got to pick out swimsuits. That was the day I found out 09 had been adopted into the Kilander family, so that took my attention for a while, but I definitely spent time admiring Zeta in the bikini she picked out.

How long have I had it this bad for Zeta?

I had definitely been aware of how cute Zeta was from the moment I met her. That first encounter, at that Cani masquerade dance, I didn't even get her name. But I found myself wanting to trace it all, and I knew how I could do just that.

Hopping out of bed for a sec (cautiously as to not wake Lillia), I got out my trusty diary, the one that had "Repeating Forms and Shapes" on its cover. I used my phone as a flashlight to page back to the entry from that night after our pool day, where I was similarly tossing and turning with my focus on one particular topic.

Oh my god diary. There’s a bunch of stuff but I have to tell you the most important part that I GOT TO SEE ZETA IN A BIKINI TODAY. Ahem. Sorry for the outburst but. WOW. I HUGGED HER WHEN WE WERE WEARING SWIMSUITS. THAT’S LIKE…WOW.

Reading that entry again was embarrassing, but oddly nostalgic for something that was just a few months ago. I hoped Zeta would wear that swimsuit tomorrow.

That entry was from the time I was beyond lost in my crush on Zeta, but I knew I had been attracted to her physically a lot longer than that. I flipped back, trying to find some early entries after meeting Zeta to maybe pinpoint where the ball started rolling to the Zeta-obsessed state I found myself in currently. In that regard, an entry very soon after we moved into the dorms stood out to me.

Sorry I got kind of weird today. I don’t know why I’m apologizing to you, but I feel like I should apologize to someone.

Usually it’s not a thing at all, right? We all have the same room (well Zeta, Kalei, and I do), we change for gym class and for void class…it’s just a thing. We get changed and go to class. In our room, we all change clothes in the bathroom so like no issues. It’s not a thing.

But today, I got all worked up at the idea of changing near Zeta. So before gym today I was fine, but then in void class…I dunno if it’s a different locker room, but I felt a bit like. Weird. Zeta’s locker is closer to mine in void class.

I thought about moving a row back but then I couldn’t do that without it being weird? At the very least Kalei would make fun of me. But I was starting to turn bright red all over, not just in my face. I’d never had that feeling before. As I forced the thought away multiple times today I just stared forward or straight down. Down was worse though because it was like I could kind of see her a few lockers down out of the corner of my eye. I’m weird, I know. Maybe next time I’ll change in one of the private changing rooms.

Right now as I’m writing Zeta’s taking a shower. Like a few feet away from me, Zeta’s naked over there. That’s kind of weird, right? I don’t mean I’m like thinking about her naked. Or that I want to see her naked. You know what, I should probably just cull this line of thinking here, huh?

It was kind of strange reading something that wasn't terribly long ago, but felt like it. I really liked journaling because I could blurt out everything I was feeling onto a page (where no teacher could judge me for using the word ‘like’ 4,567 times a notebook), sometimes without understanding what I was feeling. In hindsight it's obvious, I fell for Zeta very quickly, and it was kind of precious how I didn't even realize it yet. Which was saying something, because the entry on the next page nearly made me burst out laughing.

I wonder what Zeta looks like naked.

OK, I realize that’s a very weird way to start, but this is a follow up to my last entry. It’s more…scientific, really. Now that the thought has been sparked, I can’t not think about it. It’s good for my problem-solving skills to work this out.

Work what out exactly? What she looks like? That would be troublesome. Maybe just working out how this thought came to mind and how I feel about it?

My first thought probably shouldn’t be “I think it’d be neat.” When I think about seeing Zeta without any clothes. I bet she’d be really pretty to look at. I mean, she already is. But I bet there’s an even greater beauty to her physical form under her clothes.

I should probably just stop writing today, this is coming out too weird.

I felt like I spent that whole day blushing, which was a good parallel to how this day was going. With sleep seemingly still distant, I kept reading. Next was an entry from the time I accidentally walked in on Zeta changing. I freaked out at the time and ran away, but after things were resolved, I had to write down my take on the experience.

UM UM UM UM UM UM UM UM HELP HELP HELP HELP

Today I uh maybe uh UM

WHERE DO I START

I was just going back to our room to grab some stuff. Then Zeta. She walked out of the bathroom and I wasn’t thinking and I looked over and she didn’t know I was there and she was totally naked. We both freaked out and she dove under her blankets and I ran away.

I could only see her back, mostly. I told Lillia it was only her back. But I did see some of Zeta’s butt which uh. Was fantastic. If she just turned slightly to the side I would have maybe seen the side of her boobs…I averted my eyes as she dove in her blankets, but what if I hadn’t? What else could I have seen?

I shouldn’t complain though! It made this a great day even if we were both terrified and needed Kalei, Lillia, Laenie, and Aira to force us back together and lock us in our room until we calmed down.

What was that glimpse of Zeta’s back and a bit of butt like, dear diary? I know I said fantastic but I feel like I should go deeper. Both in describing it and…well. Hopefully that not being the only time I get to see.

The rest of that entry was me being poetic about my girlfriend’s body. Past me got it. It was frustrating to think that since then I hadn’t had anything like that happen again, intentional or not. I didn’t blame Zeta at all, some of the blame went to me for not being assertive enough, but mostly I cursed whatever fate didn’t want me to take any sort of next intimate step with Zeta.

I probably could have had some kind of epiphany there to motivate me to fight for my dreams (literally fighting for a dream in this case), but I started to get engrossed in my old writing again. Some of my Zeta descriptions were really on point.

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