Rising Shards

I had left the floor to Zeta to give our next topic, which I hoped would make me feel less like I was controlling the conversation.

"OK I got one I've been thinking about!"

"Shoot!"

"Remember when we were at the sleepover at Kalei's, and we were all talking about tops and bottoms XD"

I had actually forgotten that one somehow until she said it. When we all went to a sleepover at Kalei's, the main memory I took from it was me having a big panic attack blow up at Zeta that I thought would ruin our relationship (caused in no small part by Ko Matora being an ass and starting drama) and a big talk where Zeta and I really cleared the air and healed from a bad night together. The finer details of the night weren't as clear, but once she brought it up I remembered.

"Yes, because I somehow hadn't heard about top or bottom dynamics until then and felt very stupid. Not helped by Lillia being all 'we discussed this!' When all she said before is talking about who'd take charge...which I guess is how we're phrasing it here...but..."

"OK, wait, before I get to my question I have another one, what all do you and Lillia talk about? You don't have to tell me everything or go into detail, just curious :3" Zeta sent.

"Well, usually we just talk about our crushes, but since the breakup we haven't had as much girl talk time, but around then I think she was living vicariously through me a bit when I'd tell her about us. I wouldn't go hugely into detail, just like…if Lillia asked how things were going I’d be like ‘well we made out!' And such."

Our girl talks together got me through many a situation, and I hoped I helped Lillia as much as she helped me. I knew she wouldn't, but I still had a momentary pang of worry that Zeta would suddenly not approve of my Lillia talks.

"I see I see. Well hopefully having a girlfriend for a bit made her less wanting to do the whole live through you thing, just thinking about...that time I'm pretty sure she watched us made out during the Starlight Despair thing."

"Yeah...that was a bit much. Usually she's super chill and supportive though.”

"And if I was single and had friends that were a super adorable couple I'd wanna learn about em too :3" Zeta sent.

"Right, like I get where she was coming from!"

"I hope that didn't come across too harsh at Lillia, she is one of our most valued comrades after all!"

"Not at all! Kay, back to your other question!"

Thankfully, Zeta didn't have an abrupt complete change of personality and didn't suddenly want me to not talk to our friend or any weird turns like that, so that momentary pang was promptly defeated. Stupid worries always making stupid scenarios seem real, even if it's just for a second or two an anxious mind can pick up on it...an ever-present battle Zeta and I both fought, us against the random worries we had. Any time we could swiftly defeat them I felt like it was good luck.

"OK, back then we said we'd probably switch spots a lot, do you still feel like that? And I also want to disclamer (I think that's how that's spelled?)"

"It's disclaimer," I sent, then winced at interrupting her correcting a typo. "SORRYY I GET WEIRD ABOUT GRAMMAR"

Tesata had so many grammar drills and were such sticklers about it, that was one of the few things they instilled in me that I'd correct others still without feeling a rebellious wave against my former establishment.

"It's fine!! Disclaimer then that top/bottom can get kinda tricky to describe for gay/lesbian/queer couples, i was reading about it a bit ago. when I ask I mean more just like in general, not in a way that tries to bottle us into two category gender business, cuz i aint about that! i dont know if that makes any sense"

"I understood it perfectly boo. and hmmm. I think... I lean to me being the top more now."

"Right!!! It is super nice when you take charge, and when we kiss it's also nice when you...yeah! Yeah :)"

"I'd say it's something we'd have to figure out in person to really know, too." I said.

I felt the energy in the room change a bit after sending that. I wondered if maybe it was just me. But it did feel like just putting that into the conversation inched us a bit closer into finding out that question in reality.

"So...wanna talk about that?" Zeta asked.

Nope, not just me, energy definitely changed. A bit of that worried feeling washed away as well, or was buried under much more fun feelings, like a science project filling a bottle with liquids of different densities.

"I guess we've been talking about it," Zeta said. "But like...hm."

Not wanting to get mired down in speculation of what we'd want to talk about in regards to us having a conversation about actually having sex, I threw a question out there. "Where do you picture our first time happening?”

"When I imagine it, it's in my old apartment in Litus Empirica a lot for some reason."

My heart almost skipped a beat. I don't know why it felt like I was only just learning that Zeta thought about us having sex, we were literally just talking minutes earlier about how hot we are for each other. "Do you still have the keys to that place?"

"No XD"

"OK I guess that makes sense." I said.

"Sorry. Maybe one day we can rent a place there too!"

I was pouting now but I wasn't anguished or anything. "Yeah..."

"What's up?"

"I...don't wanna wait that long. Who knows when we'll be able to go live in an apartment together..." I said.

"You think we will soon?" Zeta asked, then added. "I guess we are sitting side by side naked right now."

"But we have blankets! We're just inching forward is all. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I also definitely want to do more. Soon." I said.

"Me too," Zeta said.

"I know you said it's not a race, but I still wanna beat Iris and Maia to it..." I said. It was petty and stupid, but I still had a thought rattling around in my head that somehow Zeta and I should go first.

"We might be out of luck there" Zeta sent, getting a gasp out of me.

"Why? Did you hear something?"

"No, just it's been a bit and I figured they'd have done more by now."

"Oh."

"Theyre less cautious and all...'needs to talk things through' like us, but the downside is them not really talking about what their deal is or thinking about it until we told them to basically. While we are talking about it and I think it's makin us stronger!"

"That's true!" I said. "Even if they do do it before us, that’s not really the most important thing to me. Really I just wanna be your first. I couldn't be your first girlfriend. So I want all your other firsts. Is that selfish of me? I think it maybe is."

"Wow, that's forward," Zeta said.

I looked her way to make sure that wasn't too far, but I didn't read her shocked expression as her being disappointed by my forwardness.

"I don't think it's selfish, either. I do wanna make clear that with Jeans as my kinda first girlfriend that being the first there isn't the be all end all."

"In my case, though, you're the first and you're the best."

"Heh. That's different! Just I mean!! Like the number of it isn't important, it's the bond we share. And our bond I think would be great if I was your first or your 500th girlfriend."

"Awww," I wasn't sure how to convey the bubbliness in my soul from that. "Though there may be some other issues I'd run into if I had 499 girlfriends before you."

"That's a totally different hypothetical!"

We got derailed a bit giggling about that scenario and coming up with maybe too elaborate a backstory to an alternate us that each had 500 prior girlfriends, even writing it down on our note apps to suggest for our characters for that video project Kalei was working on if that ever got rolling again. The giggling and messing around made it easier to get back on track for the root of the big topic for this date. 

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