Rising Shards

My ears were ringing. I barely felt each punch as it connected to Lucian's face. My vision blurred, I could feel my body had shifted into my more bestial devil state, my spiked horns shot out of my skull so fast that burning crimson trailed down my face. Lucian was bloodied too, but by my hands rather than horns, though if he pushed me any farther I might have gored him with them. If people shouted for me, I couldn't hear a word.

Someone got me away, pulled me by my tail. I struggled against it, lashing out like a cornered, wounded beast. Everyone looked like monsters then.

Somewhere in that fog of violence, I was dimly aware that the landscape shifted. I think I heard Kara Valor's voice around then, so she probably showed up and brought us out of the void. We weren't in that horrible space anymore, we were back home. Not quite home, we were still at Falling Shards.

And part of that massive crowd was watching us immediately. And as I glanced to them, feeling like a wolf caught by local townsolk in the middle of devouring the intestines of the village's most beloved denizen, I saw her, not quite at the front of the crowd, but enough that I knew she saw me. Nikki. She didn't say a word, and I only glanced at her a moment before striking a few more times, eliciting gasps from the crowd.

My thrashing about didn't last long, or maybe it did, I couldn't tell at all. I just knew at one point I thought someone very tall got me in a bearhug. It was just that weird gummy tire swing, Charmaine and Esther ran back to get it. It worked to contain me, to stop the beast inside me from hurting anyone else.

I think things went blank for a spell after. I barely remembered anything between them putting the tire on me to coming to in a corner by myself. They must have leaned me against a wall the best they could. 

The tire shaped thing they stuck me in was conjured in the void, and had a particularly weak hold in the stable dimension, so it faded away after a few minutes after I was myself again. My horns and tail had left me for the time being as well. Caya was near me, clearly ready to take care of me if I fought any more. But I didn't want to move, I felt disgusting with blood drying on my face and hands.

"This is why I hate working with students outside of class," Caya said. "I should have told you all to stay out of it. I'm sorry, this is on me."

I started to object, but why? Maybe this was her fault. It didn't make me feel any better to have this be her fault. And it wasn't, not really. Lucian provoked me, but it was my own mind he used against me.

Lucian was sitting upright, with a bunch of people checking on him from the Falling Shards crowd. No Seth or Gwen or any of his apparent close friends, but he must have been well liked before enough that nobody cared that he made a pact with a demonic entity in hopes of killing us all or something. I didn't care. I just wanted them all to go. I never wanted to hear about Falling Shards again.

"He's fine," Caya said, not needing to say who. "Well, you really beat the hell out of him. But he's not seriously hurt."

That was...something, I supposed.

The other devils finally noticed I was back to some semblance of normal.

"I'm sorry," I said when they approached, my voice barely so much as a croak.

"It's not your fault," Sai said.

But it was.

"That guy did something to you to make you go berserk..." Esther said. "That wasn't you."

But it was me. He just showed me my own true thoughts.

"And he was trying to kill us all, so," Charmaine said.

"Don't feel too bad." Myles said.

Easier said than done.

I appreciated them trying to help and not immediately oust me as one of the team leaders, but if I kept exploding like this, maybe Caeda would seem like the best option. Or Esther would step back up and lead her friends once more.

Conversations about that were sure to follow me in the coming weeks. But now that I was back to myself, there was something I had to do. I didn't bother telling them I was leaving or where I was going. I just needed to see her. I called, she didn't answer.

"Nikki, please," I begged, my fingers barely able to type the words out from how much they shook. "I can explain.“

"Can we talk?"

"Can you just..."

"TALK TO ME!"

I texted, and texted, until she finally answered.

"im outside by your dorm," Nikki sent.

I sprinted, running through snow, past prefects and teachers, until I got to the third dorm building. Nikki waited outside, arms crossed. I practically fell to my knees in front of her.

"Nikki..." I said. "Just let me...explain. "

Nikki shrugged. "I don't know what else there is to say."

"No, I mean, you saw. He was going to..." I said.

"P.D..." Nikki sighed. "Dude, I dunno."

"What do you mean?" I asked. Images of Nikki from that vision danced around, the way she wouldn't look at me. Somehow, meeting her gaze directly felt the same.

"The more I think about it, I don't really care about you kicking that dude's ass, or Penteldtam's," Nikki said. "I've been thinking about this since before that even happened."

I felt what she was about to say rise up like the morning sun if it consisted entirely of dread.

"Is any of this even working? Why are we doing this if it isn't working?" Nikki asked. "Do we even want to do this?"

"Nikki, I..." I said.

"Like, this was fun at the start, and you were cool," Nikki said. "But it's like the more I get to know you, the less I know you. Does that make sense?"

It didn't. But I didn't know me anymore. Anxiety made my neck tense, my head felt like it was getting squeezed more and more with each word.

"I..." I said.

"Like you with that helmet on, mysterious cool bassist...it was like you were someone else," Nikki said. "Or I made up a you in my head that doesn't match the real you."

"Is that it, then?"

Nikki shrugged again. "It's probably gonna get worse if we keep going."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Me too," Nikki said. "I'm really sorry. I've been pretty terrible as a girlfriend too. But it's hard to put serious stuff into words, and I kinda...delay it like homework."

She could have just been saying that to let me down easier. It was possible though that this was why she was so hard to get a hold of. That she had been thinking about breaking up with me this whole time, and couldn't respond because of it. There were still glimmers of warmth and affection in her eyes, but just that. Glimmers of a relationship that had fizzled out shortly after it started, and trailed along far too long after its expiration date.

"Dating shouldn't feel like homework," I said. "So...that's it."

Nikki sighed. "I guess that is."

I thought about running again, but where could I go? The beach sounded nice. Even in the cold, sitting by the waves could help with the numbness spreading through my mind.

"Am I still...can I still be in the band?"

Why did I ask that? It was so desperate and pathetic. I should have just cut this off entirely, excised the wounded part of my life. But I couldn't let go completely.

"I'll check with them," Nikki said. She patted my back, and chuckled.

"What?" I asked.

"I was ready for you to start shouting," Nikki said. "Sorry, that's not really funny at all. But...thanks."

"For not shouting?" I asked.

"Well, that makes me sound like a dick for that," Nikki said. "So let's say...thanks for the good times."

"You too," I said.

Nikki was so carefree that a breakup didn't even rattle her much.

"Oh, before I go," Nikki said. "You should probably wipe that blood off. Looks pretty sick, but some people might freak out. Later!"

She said bye like we were just hanging out as friends, which I guess was the case now. And with that, she walked away, the chapter of our lives as girlfriends over. I had somehow forgotten about the blood, which explained some of the looks I got as I sprinted across campus.

I somehow dragged myself back to the facility in the dorms.

I got a text, and bitterly wondered if now that we were broken up Nikki would text me more again. But it was Mother.

"Taramin coworkers have brought the captured entity to the labs," Mother sent. "Job well done."

I didn't respond. Didn't know what to say. I barely had the energy to get in the shower and clean the blood off of me. Even after that, I still hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I put my helmet on and got into bed. I couldn't sleep with it on, it'd be incredibly uncomfortable, but I needed to be away from the world for a minute. Just a brief fleeting minute where I didn't have to feel like myself.

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