Generally, each of the girls had a favorite meal they all got to eat on their birthday, so Tiff wasn’t surprised to see what was on the menu for dinner that night. Victoria loved ribs, Melissa could pound about half a dozen steaks, and Tiff was rather fond of cheese tortellini. Rick was easy; he didn’t care so much what he was eating so long as he spent the evening with his family and they saved enough for him.
That left Amy, and her favorite dish was something called “Tidbits and fries.”
This was another one of those meals Tiff wasn’t sure anybody else had ever heard of. But, like the artichokes, she always looked forward to it because it was a tasty, rare treat. Unlike the artichokes, the reason they ate it so seldomly wasn’t because of the price or the seasonality of ‘chokes, but because it had so much salt.
Tiff would greedily devour as much of the sweet and savory dish as her belly would physically allow…and generally spend the next hour drowning herself in water trying to quench her thirst. She’d then moan and complain like an overfilled water balloon for the rest of the night, wondering where her self-control had gone.
The regret was temporary, but the satisfaction lasted at least another week.
So what exactly was “Tidbits and fries?”
The fries were easy enough to imagine. Big russet potatoes, the largest they could be found in the store, sliced into long shoestring strips and tossed into a pan of oil. Cook ‘em up, dash ‘em with seasoned salt, and devour them before they got cold, soggy, and sad.
“Tid-bits” was both incredibly accurate and a little misleading. It wasn’t so much what the dish was as much as it was how the dish was prepared. It started as a flat iron steak, maybe a sirloin (Tiff wasn’t well educated in various cuts of meat), and it got chopped down into bite-sized cubes. Otherwise known as tidbits. The steak was marinated in either Worcestershire or teriyaki sauce (Tiff really needed to discover the secret of her own family’s recipe), and then browned in a skillet.
Now, this wasn’t exactly a healthy dish and nobody was pretending it was, but a meat ‘n potatoes dinner wasn’t complete without some greens. So, as a compromise, this dish threw a curveball. They ate it with cucumber salad…which Tiff wasn’t a huge fan of, but she usually had a small serving anyway. In hindsight, it was as much of a “salad” as macaroni salad, fruit salad, or potato salad. Meaning, in Tiff’s eyes, anything that was “ingredients mixed together in a sauce” could potentially be called a salad.
…which explained her genius idea for a nugget salad. See, various fast food restaurants all had a chicken nugget option, right? Tiff’s great plan was to get a 4-piece from 5 or 6 different places, each with a packet of their BBQ sauce. Then, dump them all in a bowl, mix in the sauce, and you’re done! Nugget salad!
Never mind the fact that it was probably like a million calories.
But…cucumber salad! It was actually really simple. Just sliced cucumbers into thin rings, a few long slivers of onions, and light sour cream. All mixed up and served in a bowl.
To top it off, they usually ate the meal with rolls. And not just any roll; to get the true tidbit experience, one needed those flaky, buttermilk layer-rolls. The ones that peeled apart into thin wafers and made it feel like you were getting 8 rolls for the price of 1.
Now, needless to say, this VanDyne classic took a lot of preparation. Slicing the potatoes alone could take a ton of time since they needed to be peeled first, and then there was the matter of frying them in small batches. One of the highlights of the meal wasn’t actually the meal itself, but standing around while Melissa cooked, attempting to snatch a fry or two from the plate as they cooled without getting burned or yelled at. They could usually get away with one or two before her patience wore thin.
“So how was DMA day?” Victoria asked. Tiff turned to face her sister, her face scrunched up, scowling and sour. “Geez, I get that you were on the fence about going, but was it really worth crying over?”
“Tori,” Tiff sniffled, “I’m cutting onions.”
Victoria cackled, gently removed the knife from Tiff’s hands…and tickled her into submission. Melissa swatted Amy’s wandering fingers away from the fries and pointed a spatula at the onions.
“Get to work.”
“Mom! It’s my birthday!”
“Yeah, well, onions will help you cry about it.”
Melissa smiled at Amy’s grumbling and continued simmering beef. If dinner only needed to be provided to the other 4 members of the family, it would have been a lot easier to prepare, but she was a big eater.
“I’d say it went well!” Melissa answered for Tiff, who was now sprawled in a kitchen chair, feigning death.
“Did anybody…you know…?” Tiff opened her eyes in time to see Victoria pointing at her.
“Hnnn,” Melissa waggled her free hand non-committally. “Gonna have to be a bit more specific.”
“Nobody found out my Affinity, if that’s what you’re asking,” Tiff said. “Though I’m pretty sure a girl on Young Justice knows.”
“Wait, how can she know but not know?” Amy asked.
“Because I completed a Quest,” Tiff sighed. She brought up her screen to take another look.
[ Quest: Hiding in Plain Sight]
Don’t get caught.
Before, it hadn’t shared a reward. There wasn’t an obvious time limit or penalty for failure, so Tiff spent most of the day stressed and anxious, especially when Wavelength tried to call her out. But she made it through, and now she could finally find out what the System felt was appropriate compensation for potentially giving her an ulcer.
At first glance, it didn’t seem worth it.
[Reward: New Skill Unlocked!]
Skill: Hiding in Plain Sight
When wearing plain clothes, you are less likely to be recognized as the Dark Queen.
When wearing the [Dark Queen’s Regalia], you are less likely to be recognized as your civilian identity.
Hmm. Well, there were cases she could see this being helpful. Actually, okay, it was more than mildly convenient if it kicked in during her occasional moments of frustration. She didn’t want to be pissed off taking notes in English, and suddenly everybody was shaking in their boots and it wasn’t because of Shakespeare. Tiff could begrudgingly admit this. She could also see the theoretical benefits of the second part of her reward, even if she didn’t think it was going to see much use.
For one, she’d need to run around in a massive, poofy dress, which, secretly, was slowly growing on her. Tiff caught herself thinking about the black and crimson monstrosity hanging in her closet occasionally at night. Not in an invasive sort of way, but it was hanging right there and it was surprisingly comfy.
Perhaps this was the System’s way of goading her into trying it on again.
“Interesting,” Victoria mused as Tiff showed it to her. A dejected voice from the other side of the kitchen moaned and complained.
“Don’t mind me,” Rick said with an exaggerated sigh. “I don’t need to be included. I’ll just sit over here in the corner, peeling potatoes.”
Tiff glanced over at her dad and rolled her eyes. Next to him was a massive, 100-pound sack of spuds, hunched over like a stereotypical cartoon sailor from the 1940s who’d been given perpetual kitchen duty. He was sitting on a stool, steadily flicking skin shavings into a growing pile in the trash can. The giant popcorn bowl had been repurposed as a potato carrier and it was already overflowing.
Truthfully, they weren’t using the entire 100-pound bag for a single dinner, and Rick did have a playful smile on his face. He was the one who volunteered for potato duty, after all.
Tiff pushed her System screen away from her and Victoria guided it gently as it floated away. Tiff heard the peeling pause as her dad read her reward.
“Neato,” was all he said, and he began peeling again.
“So does that mean you’re going to wear it to school?!” Amy called out excitedly.
“Amy,” Tiff sighed. “Does that sound like something I’d willingly do?”
“Hmmm,” Amy narrowed her eyes…which immediately began leaking. But that didn’t stop her mischievous grin from growing. “I think you could be convinced.”
Amy finished chopping the onions and dumped them into a bowl, pushing them aside so Victoria could take over. She sat down across the table from Tiff and studied her silently.
A small, nervous pit formed in Tiff’s stomach, and she suddenly feared that Amy somehow found a way around her [Indomitable] and maybe she was about to have an awkward, costume-wearing day in her future. She kept her face perfectly neutral and gave away nothing.
Amy, as a very excitable 15-year-old, demanded to know everything about Tiff’s field trip. Which members of Young Justice were there, did they run into any Heroes, did she get any autographs, did they get to tour the Tinkerer’s workshops, did she steal any cool tech….
“Amy,” Tiff asked in a flabbergasted tone, “Who do you think I am?”
Amy grinned, stuck her tongue out, and then booed.
“Happy birthday, Amy!!!”
Dinner was a lively affair. Amy got first choice of all the good stuff, which was super important for the fries and not much else. But, thanks to Melissa’s hearty appetite, there was more than enough food for everyone. Tiff and Melissa both shared their experience from the field trip, which turned out to be much different than Tiff expected.
Tiff went on to seriously and meticulously describe random things like the building’s architecture, the imposing security checkpoint, and various potted plants she saw placed throughout the halls. Amy gave her a sort of bewildered, amused look, but Tiff couldn’t help it. The DMA had potted coconut saplings. Not palm trees; though, technically, what she saw might also have been a palm tree in its adolescent state. But they weren’t the classic, tall, naked, lanky poles that shot up really tall and had a huge umbrella of fronds.
Instead, they were wide, shallow pots of dirt with actual coconuts inside of them. Each coconut had a stem growing out the top of it like a gigantic lima bean.
Who wouldn’t be interested in that? Especially since Tiff counted 47 of them? Why? Why did they have so many coconut sprouts? Who thought this was okay? Was this actual interior design? Did somebody need to be fired for this? And in that case, were they for hire? She was having sudden inspiration for a tropical lair.
Melissa, on the other hand, sounded more like a typical kid than the actual one. She went on to give bombastic stories of students who thought they could get away with mischief behind the teacher’s back. Unfortunately for them, Melissa was chaperoning and she had a keen eye. And ear. She caught a pair of boys trying to break into a display case in the Rogue’s Gallery, and it was a good thing she did, too. The boys obviously hadn’t planned for the building’s automated defenses, and she scared the crap out of them with tales of automatic sentry turrets, lockdown shutters, and armed guards.
In reality, the glass was bulletproof and practically unbreakable, and it would take a lot more than a couple of plastic pens pilfered from the lobby to jimmy the panes apart. At most, they set off the silent alarm, but since Brickhouse was already busy putting the fear of god into them, the staff left her to it.
When it came time to describe Young Justice, Tiff frowned. She tried explaining the effect Sentinel had on other people, but Melissa couldn’t confirm it. She didn’t exactly deny the possibility of him having some sort of “starstruck” power that automatically activated against Citizens, since many Heroes naturally gained something to this effect. As a person earned levels and gained Fame (or Infamy), they naturally made people look at them in wonder. Or fear.
Tiff was starting to think her new Skill might be more helpful than she first realized, especially if the System kept rewarding her Infamy for completing random Quests.
Even though she stuffed herself silly, there was always room for cake. It was a natural law, Tiff was pretty sure, though of course Amy got the first slice. She also got to open several presents, which had definitely changed shape over the years. Once upon a time, Amy might have asked for dolls, toys, or multiple sets of clothes. Now, her presents were slightly more practical. Oh, she still got some of those, but in fewer numbers.
In addition to a trendy shirt from a mid-scale store, Melissa gave Amy a gift card usable at all the locations on The Walk. Amy lit up like a Christmas tree and hugged her mom, swinging from around her neck like a cheap lanyard. This meant that not only would she get to choose what she wanted to buy, but she’d get to make a day of it later when she wanted to go shopping.
Victoria gave her a silver bracelet filled with charms that had been carved from Rift materials. Amy oohed, ahhed, and slipped it on her wrist so she could jingle it around dramatically.
Rick gave her…socks.
Amy opened the box, which was quite large, maybe big enough to conceal a bowling ball, and peered inside it. It was filled with plain, white socks. She lifted her head, blinking owlishly, and stared at her dad. Tiff barely concealed her laugh as her dad went on to pontificate about the value of socks, how they were underappreciated as gifts, and were never around when you needed them. Mark his words, socks were the true gift for any occasion, and sooner or later Amy would grow up and find herself in a position where she needed to purchase her own socks. Then, perhaps, she would truly understand.
…Rick dragged the joke on for about 5 minutes, testing Amy’s patience as her smile slowly grew more rigid. When she finally looked like she was about to pout, because he didn’t actually want to ruin his daughter’s birthday, he pulled something from behind his back. It was a smaller box and contained what Tiff swore was a lockpicking kit. It wasn’t, but what it was wasn’t much better, in her opinion. It was a sort of Tinkerer’s starting toolkit, a multi-tool that had more options than a Swiss Army Knife, and possibly had more gadgets concealed inside it than it had physical space. He claimed it would be helpful if she really wanted to try building a supercomputer, though he warned her sternly not to experiment with Sen-tech, and if she did find some in her possession again, to find him immediately. He’d be able to determine if it was harmful and supervise her experimenting with it safely.
Finally, that left Tiff.
Normally, she wouldn’t do much herself for somebody else’s birthday. Yes, she loved to give presents to people she cared about, and yes, she attended most parties she was invited to. But, as a teenager, she didn’t have a job, so it wasn’t like she could go out and make fancy purchases on her own. She didn’t even have a car to drive to the store! When she was really little, her parents would take her out to a shop and she’d point at something she thought Amy might like (which was sometimes subconsciously something Tiff liked), and they’d buy it. Tiff would then wrap it (terribly) and give it away as hers. In recent years, Tiff had graduated from such a childish practice and was forced to spend her allowance…which she did gladly. As much as they tired her out, Tiff loved her sisters. Last year, Tiff got Amy a coupon book for the movie theater.
This year wouldn’t have been any different from the last if she hadn’t Awakened. Tiff had initially planned to give Amy a $50 gift card to use on her favorite gaming service, which was pricey, but Tiff was proud that she had the self-restraint to save up so much.
She still planned to give Amy the card, but now she had something else she could give, too. Something new, something exciting, and something totally and completely unique that nobody else in the entire world could give.
…potentially a little bit dangerous, but Tiff also planned to have her mom, dad, and big sister watch the entire time. If anything happened, she was not to be blamed!
Tiff watched Amy open up her present and smirked. Gift cards weren’t exactly exciting to look at and she didn’t want to simply hand Amy an envelope. Tiff also didn’t want to put it in a tiny box…but she wanted to wrap it up in something. She also wanted to make it exciting. So…she consulted Victoria, and she was very glad she did.
“Ooooh, Tiff! What is this?!” Amy cried excitedly. She was holding a small package slightly larger than a can of soda, though it was a rectangle, not a cylinder. She tapped it several times with her finger and it let out a dull, sturdy tink. “It’s got a bit of heft,” she grinned. “And it sounds like metal.”
“Don’t leave us in suspense,” Victoria grinned knowingly. “Show us what it is!”
Paper went flying as Amy made an absolute mess of the wrapping…and she nearly dropped the object as she froze, dumbfounded.
“Suh…suh…,” she stammered, eventually shaking herself out of a stupor and staring at Tiff incredulously. “Spam?!”
Rick, Melissa, and Victoria all burst out with howls of laughter, all while Tiff tilted her head back magnanimously. Amy looked down at the can in her hands. Spam…lite. 30% less sodium. She gave it another incredulous look, tapped on the lid with her fingernail, and stared at Tiff, begging for answers.
Tiff made a motion, as if to say, Yes, peasant, be grateful we have deigned to recognize the day of your birth.
Amy tentatively peeled open the lid and instantly wrinkled her nose.
“It’s real?! You actually gave me Spam?!”
“Hey, don’t knock Spam until you’ve tried it,” Rick grinned. “Makes great musubi.”
“I don’t even know what that is!” Amy wailed.
“Relax,” Victoria wheezed, having finally calmed down from a laughing fit. “The real gift’s inside.”
Amy looked mutinous. She was about to poke her fingers straight into the Spam, but Victoria stopped her.
“Look, let me help.”
Victoria took out a plastic storage container and shook the cube of meat-adjacent product into it with a wet schluck. She then cut into it…revealing the gift card. Amy looked scandalized, but her brain went into overdrive as she gained a massive smile that quickly turned predatory. Tiff had a hunch they might have woken a demon, but the photographic evidence of Amy’s surprise, outrage, and disgust might be worth it. For her part in this crime, Tiff washed off the card…while Rick stashed the Spam in the fridge to use for breakfast some morning with eggs.
All in all, Amy looked extremely satisfied with her birthday…for somebody who still had an entire year before she Awakened.
“Come on,” she pouted playfully as they all sat around the table, mingling in the comfort of their company. “Let me Awaken! Gimme my Class!”
She clasped her hands in front of her and gave the ceiling her best puppydog eyes, but the System (and the stucco) was unmoved.
“Sorry, kiddo,” Melissa chuckled. “Them’s the breaks. Gotta wait until next year.”
“But but but…I’m, like, important to Tiff’s stuff! I’m part of the organization! The outfit! At least let me be a [Henchman]!”
“Do you really want to be a [Henchman]?” Victoria asked wryly.
“Well,” Amy paused to reconsider. “I’m sure I can upgrade later. Tiff! How do you feel about promotions?”
Tiff thought back to the Quest the System gave her and said nothing.
“Sorry, Ames,” Rick consoled her. “That’s just how it is. Don’t worry, when you’re 16, we’ll be there to help you through whatever class you get.”
“But what if I’m a Citizen?” Amy groaned. “Everybody else got a cool Class! What if I’m normal?”
“You’re the last thing from normal, shortie,” Victoria laughed. Amy puffed out her cheeks and started pummeling her big sister, which only made her cackle harder.
“Actually, that’s a good way to bring something up,” Tiff said. “I have one more gift for you, if you want it.”
Amy’s eyes grew huge as saucers and she practically tackled Tiff out of her chair.
“You can give me a Class?!”
“No!” Tiff backpeddled, feeling like she just got ambushed by a huge, fluffy dog. Amy’s imaginary ears flattened and her nonexistent tail stopped wagging, but she backed off and let Tiff sit up.
“I had an idea earlier for something that might make a good gift. I can’t give you a Class, but I can use my Class to give you something!”
“Eh?” Amy tilted her head curiously, but Melissa’s eyes went wide and her head snapped in the direction of the microwave.
The brand new, horrifically expensive, awesomely tricked-out microwave…courtesy of Tiff’s upgrade system.
The family quickly cottoned on, and Tiff found herself getting dragged back to her room by Amy. The youngest VanDyne marched Tiff in front of the computer before perching on Tiff’s bed like a vulture impatiently waiting for a cow to expire.
Tiff smirked and got to work.
She pulled up their home and zoomed in on Amy’s room.
Unlike Tiff’s room, it was messy. Not a complete mess, such that Melissa would make her clean it. There was her bed…with the sheets flopped haphazardly over the mattress in an attempt to make it. There was Amy’s desk with her computer. Probably the cleanest part of Amy’s room, since she couldn’t play games or tinker with stuff if she didn’t have free space.
Her closet, on the other hand, was full of clothes hung in an organizational style Tiff could only guess at, with a bulging pile of laundry over to the side. Amy had a funky little floor lamp with 7 different heads on flexy-necks, where each bulb had a different colored cover, and a fairly cheap dish chair that she liked to sit in and read one of her many comic books or graphic novels.
Overall, there wasn’t a whole lot that could be upgraded, but that didn’t mean there weren’t options.
Fun ones, too, even if they were out of the $100 price range Tiff had set aside for Amy’s use.
Bizarrely, the first option to catch the family’s eye was the bed. While, yes, it was the largest object in the room, how much could Amy actually upgrade the bed? At least, that’s what they thought.
It turned out…a lot.
They could change the material. It could become an air mattress. A memory foam mattress. One of those motorized units that elevated to match a person’s posture. It could even become a waterbed. The options didn’t stop there. They could reinforce the frame. Make it auto-cooling for a refreshing night’s sleep. Or even enable a “self-making” option that straightened the sheets automatically when nobody was in the room.
By that metric alone, Melissa was about to storm back into her room, grab her credit card, and buy one for herself. But, sadly, Tiff’s Core didn’t accept card, only cash. And besides, all those options rang up the price by several thousand dollars. While considerably cheaper than if they went to a mattress store to buy one, it was still over budget.
Rick was somewhat disappointed that the System didn’t feel the need to offer many upgrades for Amy’s pc. Or, rather, it could upgrade the pc…just like he could hop into his car, drive to Best Buy, and pick up an overpriced unit that he could have built for a fraction of the price. It wouldn’t even have any of his customizations! So the computer was also out.
Victoria was interested in the closet upgrades, because she had no idea how a delivery company would even deliver a closet. That was something that got built with the house! And yet, there was an “auto-sort” function that folded clothes and put them away correctly, so that’s where her vote went.
But all of that? Too expensive. If Tiff wanted to upgrade her family’s quality of life frivolously, she was free to do so…but she needed a better source of income. Or any source of income. And at the moment, her desire to do so was curbed. Not only were there better ways to spend her money, but the money she did have came from dubious means.
For Amy (and her gift), that boiled down her options to the light or the dish chair.
Both, again, had fantastic options. They could change colors. Textures. Fabrics. Materials. Sizes. Bigger? Smaller? More lamp heads? Less? Specialized effects? Built-in cupholders? An adjustable reading arm so Amy didn’t have to hold her books in her hands?
The ultimate in lightweight, nearly unbreakable, carbon-fiber Industro(™) Frames?!
Synthweave Metafabrics for unmatched breathability?!
Turn each individual light fixture into a lava lamp?!
While creating a seven-headed, flexi-neck lava hydra sounded flippin’ amazing, Amy settled on something even wilder.
And, as if the System was taking pity on her for not allowing her to Awaken a full year early, it even cost exactly $100, even though there was no way it should have.
Amy went with a bean bag.
Or that’s what it would have been called if it were normal, in a normal world with a normal family in a normal house that didn’t have a [Dungeon Master] living under the roof.
It looked like a slime, and Tiff spent a solid 7 minutes searching frantically, making sure it wasn’t alive. Once she was satisfied it wasn’t a living creature, they continued.
It was about 5 feet in diameter, which was honestly slightly too big for Amy’s room, but apparently it was squishable. And expandable. It could range from the size of an ottoman to kick her feet up on, to a globular sack of gel able to seat two. It was made of some leather-like fabric-shell that was nearly completely clear, and inside were pink and purple gloops that glorped around like a lava lamp in motion. They could also emit light, had adjustable brightness, and had an adjustable cooling/heating mechanic.
All for a measly hundred bucks. Tiff smashed that buy button.
Amy’s grin was so huge her eyes nearly sealed themselves shut as she picked Tiff up in a hug and swung her around in circles. Tiff, with a smile of her own, patted Amy on the back, wishing her a happy birthday…even if she was getting slightly dizzy and sick.
But even if the room was spinning rapidly, that didn’t stop her from seeing the satisfied, slightly jealous smiles of her family members. Amy’s birthday went well, and that more than made up for a slightly crappy trip to the DMA.
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