The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 277: Chapter 277 - Still Here

Karen looked away, tears spilling faster now.

"I’m sorry," Roxie said again. "I’m so fucking sorry."

Angela finally sat beside Roxie and reached for her hand. This time Roxie let her take it, curling her fingers tightly around Angela’s because she needed something solid while she forced herself toward the part she feared most.

"There’s more."

Karen let out a broken breath that almost became a laugh. "I figured."

Roxie looked down at Angela’s fingers threaded through hers.

"Claire was my mom."

Karen became completely quiet.

"Bianca was telling the truth. She had a drug problem, and she overdosed in that motel."

Angela squeezed Roxie’s hand.

Roxie stared at their joined fingers because looking into either of their faces felt impossible. "She disappeared a lot. Sometimes for days. Sometimes longer. She’d come back and stay for a while, then disappear again."

The tears continued sliding down Roxie’s cheeks while Angela moved closer and wrapped an arm around her.

Roxie leaned into her without fighting it.

"When?" Karen asked.

Roxie told her.

The date changed Karen’s expression almost immediately as the memories connected.

"That was when my parents were getting divorced."

Roxie’s heart twisted because she knew exactly what Karen was remembering.

"I’m sorry," Roxie whispered. "I couldn’t be there for you the way I should’ve been."

Karen stared at her through the tears. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Roxie’s mouth trembled.

"Your mother had just died." Karen wiped roughly at her face, but more tears replaced the ones she cleared. "Why are you apologizing to me for that?"

"Because you needed me."

Karen made a broken sound and turned away for a moment, pressing both hands against her face before looking back at Roxie.

"And you needed us." Her voice cracked completely. "Fuck, Roxie. How could you leave us out of this?"

Roxie started crying harder. "I’m sorry."

Karen came closer as the tears kept falling. "You answered my calls while my parents were splitting up. You listened every time I cried about my dad leaving and my mom falling apart, and all that time this was happening to you too."

"It mattered."

"That isn’t what I’m saying."

"It mattered to you, Karen."

"So did you!"

Karen pressed one hand against her chest as she struggled to speak around her crying.

"That’s what I’m trying to fucking tell you. You let me need you whenever I needed somebody, while you were coming back here alone. Your mom was using. You were working at some restaurant I didn’t even know about. You were babysitting for a man who turned out to be your father, and somehow we knew none of it."

Roxie’s vision blurred completely.

"Because I wanted to be there for you."

Karen came closer until she stood directly in front of her. Most of the anger had disappeared from her face now. What remained was hurt.

"Then why the fuck couldn’t we be there for you?"

Roxie broke.

She wanted to answer, but every explanation she had used on herself for years suddenly felt useless. Karen was right. Roxie had wanted them there more times than she could count. She had stared at her phone on nights when Claire disappeared and imagined calling. She had wanted Angela sleeping beside her when the house felt empty. She had wanted Karen there when she could barely make herself get out of bed.

She had simply been more terrified of what happened after they knew.

Roxie bent forward and covered her face as another sob tore out of her.

"I’m sorry."

Karen sat beside her.

Roxie immediately reached for her hand.

"Please forgive me."

Karen’s face crumpled again.

"I know I lied. I know you should’ve heard all of this from me. I should’ve trusted you, and I didn’t." Roxie tightened her fingers around Karen’s while still holding Angela’s with her other hand. "I’m sorry. Please forgive me."

"Roxie."

"I thought once you knew, it was over."

Karen shook her head through her tears.

Roxie looked between both of them, barely able to get the words out now. "I thought you’d find out my mom was a junkie and I was poor and I’d been lying to you for years, and you’d look at me like I was fucking disgusting."

Angela started crying harder.

Roxie’s voice collapsed. "I thought you’d hate me."

Karen covered Roxie’s hand with both of hers.

"You really thought that?"

"Every fucking time I almost told you."

Roxie looked at Angela, then Karen, and suddenly the hallway came rushing back.

"You didn’t know anything today."

Karen’s mouth trembled.

"You had no idea who Claire was. You didn’t know she was my mom. You didn’t know about the drugs or the overdose. You knew fucking nothing, and Bianca started talking like she was exposing me..."

Roxie had to stop because another sob stole the rest of the sentence.

Angela pulled her closer.

Roxie struggled through it anyway.

"And you still protected me."

Karen covered her mouth.

"You lied for me before you even knew what you were lying about." Roxie cried harder until her chest hurt. "You didn’t even fucking hesitate."

That was the part she could barely survive.

For years Roxie had been convinced Karen and Angela knowing the truth would destroy everything between them. Then Bianca had forced that truth into the open, and before either girl understood what she was defending, both had stepped beside Roxie anyway.

The relief overwhelmed her.

Angela wrapped both arms around Roxie, and Karen reached around her from the other side. The second Roxie realized Karen was hugging her too, whatever remained of her control disappeared.

She clung to both of them and cried so hard her body shook.

"I’m sorry," Roxie repeated against Karen’s shoulder. "I’m so fucking sorry."

Karen held the back of her head. "I know."

"Please forgive me."

"I do."

Roxie pulled back enough to look at her because she needed to see Karen’s face when she said it.

Karen was crying almost as hard as Roxie.

"I’m still fucking mad at you."

A weak laugh escaped Roxie through her tears.

Karen wiped beneath Roxie’s eye with her thumb. "I’m mad because you were alone and we were right fucking there."

That sent another wave of tears down Roxie’s face.

Karen’s voice shook as she continued. "I would’ve come here. I would’ve brought food. I would’ve stayed the night. I would’ve sat on this fucking couch every day if that was what you needed."

Angela nodded beside Roxie. "Me too."

Roxie looked between them and started crying even harder because she believed them.

They really would have come.

All those nights she had convinced herself that telling them would make them leave, and they were sitting in her bungalow telling her they would have stayed.

"I was so scared," Roxie whispered.

Karen squeezed her hand. "I know."

"I really thought once you knew what I was..."

Karen’s expression tightened immediately. "Stop saying that."

Roxie looked at her through wet eyes.

"What you were?" Karen asked. "What the fuck does that mean? Poor? On scholarship? Claire’s daughter? Somebody who worked because she needed money?"

Roxie looked down.

"None of those things make you disgusting."

"The lying does."

Karen gave her a look through the tears. "Yeah, the lying pissed me off."

A broken laugh escaped Roxie.

Karen almost smiled before her face softened again. "But being pissed at you isn’t the same as hating you."

Angela wiped her cheeks. "We can be angry and still love you, Rox."

Roxie looked at both of them while fresh tears gathered in her eyes.

For years she had believed there had to be a point where someone learned enough ugly things about her and finally decided she was no longer worth loving.

Karen and Angela had apparently reached every part Roxie feared and still had no intention of going anywhere.

After a while, Karen asked quietly, "Who else knew?"

Roxie hesitated.

Karen understood immediately. "Zac."

Roxie nodded. "He was there when Mom died. That’s how he knew."

Karen looked down at their joined hands, and Roxie saw the hurt return.

"I didn’t choose him instead of you."

"I know."

"I swear."

Karen squeezed her fingers before looking back at her. "I know you didn’t."

Roxie waited.

"It still hurts that he got to be there."

Roxie’s throat tightened.

Karen’s voice softened. "You never gave us a chance to be."

Roxie started crying again.

"I’m sorry."

"I know."

Angela rested her head against Roxie’s shoulder while Karen’s attention slowly moved around the bungalow.

Roxie knew what she was seeing now.

The couch where Roxie had waited for Claire.

The kitchen where she had stretched groceries until her next paycheck.

The table where she had done homework after shifts neither of them knew existed.

Every ordinary part of the life Roxie had been living while she walked into Briarwick every morning and pretended she was exactly like everyone else.

Karen looked back at her with tears filling her eyes again.

"I’m so fucking mad at you."

Roxie managed a watery smile. "I know."

Karen gave her hand another squeeze. "I’m probably going to keep being mad for a while."

"That’s fair."

"And I’m going to ask you a million questions."

Roxie sniffed. "Less fair."

Angela gave a small laugh through her tears.

The sound disappeared quickly when Roxie looked between both of them and felt the question she had been avoiding settle heavily in her chest.

She had confessed everything she could think of.

Now came the part that mattered.

Roxie swallowed several times before she managed to speak.

"After all of this..." Her voice broke, and she wiped at her cheeks before trying again. "After everything I lied about, you still want to be my friends?"

Karen’s entire face crumpled.

She reached forward and pulled Roxie against her so quickly Roxie barely had time to react.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Roxie."

Roxie cried against her shoulder.

Karen wrapped both arms around her and held her tighter. "I’m pissed at you. I’m hurt. I’m probably going to yell at you again tomorrow, and I’m still your fucking best friend."

Angela wrapped herself around them from the other side. "Same."

Roxie laughed through her sobs and held onto both of them.

Karen eventually pulled back enough to wipe Roxie’s cheeks again. "And next time you tell me you’re on some fake vacation, I’m coming straight here."

Roxie tried to laugh, but it broke halfway through and turned into another sob.

Karen squeezed her hand while Angela kept an arm around her.

Roxie looked around the bungalow through wet eyes.

For years she had believed bringing Karen and Angela inside would be the end. Once they saw where she lived, learned about the poverty, Claire, the job, the lies and everything Roxie had worked so hard to keep hidden, they would finally decide she had never been the person they thought she was.

Instead, they knew now.

They were still sitting beside her.

They were still holding her.

And for the first time since Roxie had met them, she finally believed they were staying.

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