The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 280: Chapter 280 - I Know

"Karen and Angela are coming. I told them what happened."

Roxie glared at him.

The last time they had been back here together was before the state championship. They had sat on the bleachers talking about everything like there would always be another conversation after that one, another day where Zac would be beside her because that was simply where he belonged.

Now he stood several feet away like he wasn’t sure how close he was allowed to get.

That hurt too.

"Why are you here?" Roxie wiped under her eyes, angry that fresh tears were already coming when she had barely gotten the last ones under control.

Zac stared at her. "You ran out after Mike said that shit. You seriously thought I was going to watch you leave like that and go back to lunch?"

Roxie looked away because she had wanted him to follow her. She had hated herself for it the second she heard his footsteps, but that didn’t change the truth. Some stupid part of her had been waiting for his voice even while she was running from everybody else.

"I don’t know what I thought. I just want you to go."

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well, I’m not. Now you know."

Zac stayed where he was, and the fact that he wouldn’t leave made the pressure inside her chest build again. Roxie wiped at her face, trying to ignore him, but she could feel him watching her the same way he always did when he knew she was lying about being fine.

"Why are you still here?"

"Because I don’t want you sitting back here alone."

"I’m not going to be alone. Karen and Angela are coming."

"I know."

"Then why the fuck are you still here, Zac?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "Because I’m trying to help you."

Roxie stared at him.

There it was.

That fucking answer.

She laughed once under her breath, but there was nothing funny in it. "You’re always trying to help me."

Zac frowned. "What’s that supposed to mean?"

"I don’t even know anymore." Roxie dragged a hand through her hair and stood because sitting there while he hovered several feet away somehow made her feel worse. "I’m pissed at Mike. I’m pissed at Bianca. I’m pissed that everybody inside that fucking school might know something I spent years making sure they never knew. I’m pissed at myself because the first thing my brain wants to do is go back in there and lie again. And then you show up."

"I came because you were crying."

"I know why you came!"

Her voice rose enough to make Zac stop.

Roxie pressed her lips together, but everything inside her was already moving too fast. "That’s what I’m saying. You always have a reason. You’re always just trying to help. You’re always just making sure I’m okay, and somehow I’m supposed to stand here and act like that doesn’t fuck with my head."

Zac stared at her. "I’m trying not to make this worse."

"You being here already makes it worse."

His face changed.

Roxie hated seeing that because it made guilt mix with everything else. He had come after her. He had told Karen and Angela. He had done exactly what Roxie would have once wanted him to do without having to ask.

And somehow that only made her want to scream.

"Forget it." She turned away from him and wiped furiously at her cheeks. "I don’t even know what the fuck I’m saying."

For a moment Zac stayed where he was. Then he came closer and sat on the far end of the bench.

Roxie looked at him immediately.

He had left enough space between them that their bodies were nowhere near touching.

That hurt worse than if he had sat beside her.

She hated that she noticed.

She hated that she remembered how he used to sit close enough that his knee pressed against hers, how she used to lean against him without thinking about whether she was allowed to anymore.

Zac leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "Why do you care what Mike thinks about you?"

Roxie stared at him. "Seriously?"

"I’m asking."

"It isn’t fucking Mike."

"Then Bianca."

"It’s everybody, Zac." Roxie wiped under her eyes again. "Mike knows. Mike has nothing to do with Bianca and he still knows enough to call my mom a junkie and say she sold herself for drugs. How many people did that shit go through before it got to him? How many people were talking about me today while I was walking around like an idiot thinking everything was normal?"

"I don’t know."

"Exactly. I don’t know either. So now every time somebody looks at me, I’m going to wonder if they know. Every time people start whispering when I walk past, I’m going to wonder if they’re talking about Claire. I spent years making sure nobody here got to know any of this and now I don’t even know who fucking knows."

Zac watched her for a moment before asking, "And what exactly are they supposed to think about you?"

Roxie stared at him. "What?"

"If they know about Claire. What are they supposed to think that changes about you?"

She almost got angry at how simple he made it sound.

"My mother was an addict. Bianca is telling people she fucked guys for drugs. You really think people aren’t going to look at me and start wondering what kind of girl comes from that?"

"Then they’re fucking idiots."

"That really fixes everything."

"I didn’t say it fixes anything. I’m saying why the hell do they get to decide who you are?"

Roxie shook her head. "That’s easy for you to say."

"Why?"

"Because you’re Zac fucking Prescott." The words came out sharper than she intended. "You walk through that school and everybody already thinks you belong there. Nobody finds out something ugly about your family and suddenly starts wondering if you’re trash too. Nobody looks at where you live and starts calculating how you even got through the fucking front doors."

Zac’s face tightened, but Roxie kept going because she had years of this sitting inside her.

"I spent so long making sure nobody knew anything about Claire because I knew exactly what Briarwick would do with it. The scholarship girl from the shitty neighborhood whose mom disappears for days because she’s high. You think people aren’t going to look at me differently after that?"

"You don’t know what everybody is going to think."

"I know this fucking school."

"And I know you."

Roxie stopped.

The words hit harder than they should have.

Zac looked directly at her. "I know you got into this school on scholarship. I know you worked while you were going here and doing cheer. I know you kept your grades up while Claire disappeared and you were dealing with shit most people here couldn’t handle for a week."

"Zac."

"I know you took care of yourself when your mom couldn’t. I know you still got up every morning and came here even when you barely slept, even when you were worried about money, even when you had no idea where Claire was or whether she was coming back."

"Stop."

"You’re smart. You work harder than half the people here even know. You’re strong, Rox. Sometimes so fucking stubborn about being strong that you make your own life harder because you won’t let anybody help you, but you are."

Roxie’s throat tightened until swallowing hurt.

"And you’re beautiful."

Her eyes closed.

That one went straight through her.

"Stop."

"I mean it."

"I said stop."

"I’m trying to tell you that none of the shit Bianca says changes who you are."

"I know what you’re trying to fucking do."

"Then listen to me."

"Stop talking!"

Roxie shot to her feet so quickly the bench scraped beneath her.

Zac froze.

For the first time since he found her, Roxie really looked at him.

He was close enough now that she could see the dark circles under his eyes. His hair had gotten longer and messier around the edges, like he had stopped caring enough to get it cut. He looked tired.

He still looked so fucking good to her.

That made her angrier.

She missed him.

She missed him so badly that seeing him this close made her chest ache. She missed touching him without thinking about whether she was allowed to. She missed knowing that if something happened, she could call him and he would come.

Except apparently that last part hadn’t even changed.

That was the problem.

Zac was still coming.

Still finding her.

Still looking at her like he knew every ugly thing inside her head and could somehow talk her out of believing it.

And he was standing there acting like any of this could be normal.

Like they could become something softer now.

Like he could break her heart and still be the person who picked up the pieces whenever she couldn’t breathe.

He got no right.

Roxie wiped furiously at the tears on her face.

"Fuck you."

Zac went quiet.

"No, seriously. Fuck you, Zac."

His brows pulled together, but Roxie kept going before he could say anything.

"You show up when I’m sitting here feeling like everybody in that fucking school is going to look at me and see my mother. Then you sit there and tell me I’m smart and strong and hardworking and beautiful like you still get to fucking say those things to me. And the worst part is it works."

Her voice cracked.

Zac swallowed. "I meant everything I said."

"I KNOW!"

The scream tore out of her before she could stop it.

Zac went completely still.

Roxie was crying openly now, and she didn’t care anymore.

"I know you meant it! That’s why it fucking hurts. If you were lying, I could hate you. If you came back here because you felt bad for me, I could tell you to fuck off and mean it. But you mean it. You still know exactly what to say to me. You still know where I go when I run away. You still know how to make me feel like I’m worth something when I’m sitting here feeling like shit."

She pressed a shaking hand against her chest.

"And I don’t want you to anymore."

Zac’s face fell.

Roxie shook her head hard because even that wasn’t true.

"That’s bullshit. I do want you to. That’s what makes this so fucking horrible. I wanted you to come after me. I heard you behind me in that hallway and I wanted you to follow me. I sat here hoping you’d fucking find me, and then you did, and now I hate you for it because I don’t know how I’m supposed to stop needing you when you keep coming every time I need you."

Zac stared at her.

Roxie’s voice dropped, but there was no calm in it. Her whole body was shaking.

"You broke up with me."

"I know."

"Then why are you still doing this to me?"

Zac opened his mouth.

Roxie shook her head immediately.

"No. Don’t give me some shit about caring about me. I know you care. That’s the fucking problem. I know you care, Zac. I know you still watch me. I know you hate Noah. I know Mike standing too close to me makes you lose your mind. I know you would’ve followed me anywhere today because you saw me crying."

Her breath caught.

"And every time you do that, some stupid part of me thinks maybe you changed your mind."

That finally shut him up.

Roxie wiped her face, but the tears kept coming.

"I keep thinking maybe this time you’re going to say you want me back. Maybe the storage room meant something. Maybe all the staring and jealousy and you coming after me means you finally figured out you don’t actually want this breakup."

Zac looked down.

That hurt worse than anything he could have said.

Roxie laughed once, broken and angry.

"Yeah. Exactly."

She looked at him through tears.

"You keep coming back just enough to make me hope, and then I’m the one who has to remember why you’re not mine anymore."

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