The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 285: Chapter 285 - Let Me

For a while after Zac came inside, neither of them seemed to know what happened next.

Roxie stayed in the middle of the living room with her arms wrapped around him, her face pressed against his chest and her fingers twisted into the back of his hoodie. She could feel the difference in the way he held her. His arms were firm around her, but there was none of that desperate pressure that used to come whenever he thought she might pull away.

His hands stayed where they were, one against her back and the other around her waist, and somehow his carefulness made Roxie more aware of every place their bodies touched.

She had wanted this for weeks. She had wanted him back inside the bungalow, back in her arms, close enough that she could smell his familiar, addictive scent and hear the change in his breathing whenever she held him tighter. There had been nights when she lay awake imagining what it would feel like if Zac finally came back and told her he had changed his mind. Now he actually had, and instead of everything immediately feeling normal again, Roxie felt almost overwhelmed by how familiar he was.

She finally pulled back enough to look at him. "This feels weird."

Concern crossed Zac’s face immediately. "Bad weird?"

"No." Roxie kept one hand curled into his hoodie because completely letting go still felt impossible. "Just weird. You’re actually here."

His expression softened. "Yeah."

Roxie stared at him for another few seconds. His hair was a mess from running his hands through it, his eyes were swollen from crying and the dark circles beneath them were worse than they had been that morning. She hated the small amount of relief she felt seeing how wrecked he looked. Some ugly part of her needed the proof that the breakup had hurt him too, that she had not spent the last few weeks barely holding herself together while Zac went home perfectly fine.

She lifted her hand and touched the side of his face, running her thumb beneath one of his eyes. "You look like shit."

"Thanks."

"I’m serious."

"So am I. Thanks."

There was barely any humor behind it, but Roxie kept touching his cheek anyway, letting herself look at him from this close after spending weeks watching him across classrooms and hallways while pretending she did not care that she could not reach for him anymore. She had missed stupid things like this too, touching his face because she could, fixing his hair when it fell wrong, putting her hand against his chest when he was talking just because she liked knowing he was there.

Then another thought pushed through everything else.

"Where are you sleeping tonight?"

Zac hesitated. "I can go back to Dylan’s. My stuff is still there, so I figured I’d probably go back later and get everything tomorrow."

Roxie’s hand dropped from his face. "What?"

"I thought you might want some space after everything we just talked about."

"I’ve had enough fucking space."

The answer came quickly enough that Zac went quiet.

Roxie swallowed, suddenly aware of how desperate it sounded, but she refused to take it back. "You came here telling me you want us back and now you’re already talking about going back to Dylan’s. You’re staying here."

His eyes searched hers. "Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight. Tomorrow too unless you suddenly decide you like Dylan’s house more."

A low smile finally pulled at Zac’s mouth. "I’m trying to make sure I’m not assuming shit anymore."

That shut Roxie up.

Her fingers tightened slightly in his hoodie. "You’re staying," she said more quietly. "I want you here."

Zac nodded. "Okay."

Roxie finally released him and walked toward the couch. The television was still playing the random show she had turned on before he arrived, and the half-eaten bag of chips she had called dinner sat abandoned between the cushions. She dropped onto the couch and looked back to find Zac still standing near the door.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Come here."

He crossed the room and sat beside her, leaving enough space between them that Roxie immediately looked at the gap and then at him.

"Really?"

Zac smiled softly before shifting closer.

Roxie hated how much his caution affected her. Part of her wanted to grab him and force everything back into how they were. She wanted him close enough that she could stop thinking about the days without him and forget every horrible conversation that came before tonight. Another part of her felt safer because he was making her choose every inch instead of deciding what she needed for her.

So Roxie moved first.

She tucked herself against his side and pulled his arm around her waist. Zac let her settle before his hand rested lightly over her shirt, and for several minutes they stayed that way while the television continued playing in front of them.

Roxie had no idea what was happening on the screen because she kept touching him instead. Her thumb moved over his knuckles. She traced the seam along the sleeve of his hoodie, then pressed her palm against his chest and felt his heartbeat beneath the fabric.

Zac eventually looked down at her. "What?"

"Nothing."

"You’ve been staring at me for like five minutes."

"I know."

His eyebrows pulled together. "Why?"

Roxie hesitated, embarrassed by the answer even though it was true. "Checking."

"Checking what?"

She rubbed her thumb against his chest. "If you’re still here."

Something changed in Zac’s face.

His arm tightened around her slightly. "I’m here."

Roxie looked toward the television because her eyes were already burning again. "I know."

She wished knowing and believing could have become the same thing that quickly.

The quiet between them slowly changed. It stopped feeling like the awful emptiness that had filled the bungalow before Zac knocked. His breathing beside her, the weight of his arm around her and the warmth pressed against her side filled enough of the room that Roxie stopped noticing how silent the house had been without him.

When she looked at him again, Zac was already watching her.

Her eyes dropped to his mouth before she caught herself and looked away. A few seconds later she did it again. Zac noticed. Roxie knew he noticed because his breathing changed slightly, but he stayed exactly where he was.

She waited.

He still did nothing.

Roxie finally turned toward him. "Are you seriously not going to kiss me?"

Zac blinked. "What?"

"You heard me."

"I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to."

Something about that answer went straight through her. After everything they had done together, Zac was sitting inches away from her and waiting because he was not sure.

She didn’t know whether to be happy or cry at how weird that was. But he’s trying and she’d follow where he wants to lead them.

Roxie shifted until she faced him properly. "I want you to."

His gaze dropped to her mouth, and the change in his eyes made her stomach tighten, but he still waited.

So Roxie kissed him.

The first touch of his mouth almost hurt. Everything familiar rushed back at once. The warmth of his lips, the slight roughness of his jaw beneath her fingertips when she touched his face, the way his breathing caught when she moved closer. Zac kissed her slowly at first, almost cautiously, and Roxie felt weeks of missing him gather painfully inside her chest.

She kissed him again before the first kiss had really ended, moving closer until one knee pressed into the couch beside his thigh. Zac’s hand slid around her back as she kissed him harder, and something inside Roxie finally broke loose.

Weeks of wanting him came rushing back.

She pushed closer until she was half across his lap, one hand sliding into his hair while the other gripped his shoulder. Zac groaned quietly against her mouth and kissed her deeper, his hand moving from her back to her waist.

Then it stopped there.

Roxie noticed almost immediately.

Usually, Zac’s hands would already be moving, pulling her tighter and touching wherever he wanted while Roxie did exactly the same to him. Now one hand rested at her waist while the other stayed against her back.

She pulled away enough to breathe. "Why are you being weird?"

Zac stared at her, breathing harder now. "I’m trying not to fuck this up five minutes after getting you back."

"You think touching me is going to fuck it up?"

"I think assuming I can do whatever the hell I want might."

Roxie went quiet.

His eyes dropped briefly to where she was practically sitting across his lap before lifting back to her face. "You told me you don’t trust me yet."

"I also told you I want you."

"I know."

"And I kissed you."

"I definitely noticed."

"I missed you, Zac." Her voice softened as she looked at his mouth again. "I missed this. I want this."

Then she kissed him again.

This time Roxie did not hesitate. She pressed kiss after kiss against his mouth, caught his lower lip between hers and ran her tongue across it until he opened for her. Zac’s breath came out rough when her tongue met his, and Roxie moaned softly into his mouth at the familiar heat of him.

She moved fully into his lap, straddling him on the wide couch with her knees bracketing his hips. Zac groaned when her body settled over him, and Roxie felt the hard press of him through his jeans against her.

Heat rushed through her.

She had missed this too.

She had missed knowing what she did to him, missed the way his breathing changed and the way his whole body tightened whenever she touched him somewhere he wanted. Roxie kissed him harder as both hands moved over his chest, feeling the tension beneath the hoodie before sliding lower over his stomach.

Zac’s body tightened beneath her.

Her fingers traced lower and brushed over the hardness beneath his jeans.

His head tipped back with a broken groan.

The sound went straight through her.

Roxie kissed him again and moved against him just enough to feel his body react underneath hers. Zac cursed into her mouth, both hands tightening around her waist as she pressed closer.

"Fuck, Rox."

A breathless laugh escaped Roxie against his lips, mostly because hearing him sound that wrecked made something inside her light up. She kissed him again before he could say anything else, her fingers returning to his stomach and then lower.

Whatever control Zac had been holding onto started fraying.

His hands tightened at her waist, and suddenly he shifted them across the couch. Roxie gasped as she landed beneath him with Zac braced above her, his body warm and solid between her legs.

For half a second she was too surprised to react.

Zac froze immediately.

His breathing was rough, his eyes dark and his ears flushed red. He held most of his weight on his forearms while he stared down at her, clearly checking her face.

"Tell me to stop anytime," he said, his voice low and uneven. "Anytime, Rox. I mean it."

Roxie stared back at him.

The sight of him hovering above her made her chest hurt in a completely different way. His hair was ruined from her hands, his mouth was red from kissing her and his entire body looked tense with the effort of holding himself still.

He was really here.

He had really come back.

Roxie reached up and cupped both sides of his face, needing the warmth of his skin beneath her palms.

"I love you."

Zac’s expression changed completely.

He leaned down and kissed her slowly, the hunger in him softening beneath something that made Roxie’s throat tighten.

"I love you more."

The words landed quietly against her mouth.

Roxie closed her eyes as he kissed her again. His lips moved from her mouth to her jaw and then down her neck, slower now, warm and deliberate. She tilted her head while his breath moved over the sensitive skin below her ear.

"Missed this," Zac murmured against her throat. "Missed you so fucking much."

Roxie’s fingers tightened in his hair. "I missed you too."

His mouth moved lower, leaving another wet kiss against her neck before his tongue moved lightly over the sensitive skin. Roxie inhaled sharply as his teeth scraped gently after it, and Zac made a rough sound when her fingers tightened in his hair.

"Every night," he whispered against her skin.

Her chest tightened.

For days she had imagined him sleeping perfectly fine somewhere else while she stared at her phone and fought herself every night. Hearing that he had been lying awake missing her made all of that hurt differently.

Zac kissed her neck again before one of his hands moved toward the bottom of her shirt.

Then he stopped.

His fingers hovered at the hem.

Roxie opened her eyes.

"Can I?"

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