Chapter 129 Growth is Surpassing the Past (5)
“An accident? Do you mean a specific incident?”
“Hmm? No. I mean a literal accident.”
The accident I was talking about did not mean that things had gone wrong. It was the literal meaning of the word.
“I was on my way home from the kendo dojo as usual. I was in my father’s car; he had come to pick me up.”
“Don't tell me……”
“Yes. An accident happened on the way home. It was like one of those stories you hear about at least once.”
It was a common story, the kind you often encounter in the news or in novels. In fact, considering the traffic accident rate in South Korea, it was not even that strange. The problem, however, was that it became my story instead of someone else’s.
“Still, I suppose it was a stroke of luck that no one died.”
If there was a silver lining, it was that neither my father nor I lost our lives. It was possible because the accident was between two passenger cars, not a large vehicle like a truck. But as I just said, the problem was that the accident was merely a "silver lining."
“I injured my left arm very badly in that accident. So badly that a full recovery was difficult.”
“…….”
“My father was injured too, but…… not as badly as I was. And that eventually became the spark of conflict that would change my life.”
After that day, our family collapsed. My mother’s one-sided condemnation of my father followed. That soon led to a divorce.
“It is a given, but my father could not say anything in his defense.”
My mother shouted that it was entirely my father’s fault that my left arm was injured. In the midst of that, my father remained silent. He could not help it. He was already suffering from guilt himself.
It was then, as I was submerged in the memories of the past and recalling my father’s face.
“However, I have one question.”
Yu-hyeon, who had been listening to me quietly, asked a question.
“If I am not mistaken, your arm looks fine now, Brother.”
“It healed completely when I awakened as a Player. Originally, I could only use it for daily activities.”
To be precise, it became fine when I crossed over into this world. But I could not say that directly, nor was it exactly a lie. In any case, it was true that I went from a civilian to a Player when I arrived in this world.
“I see. Then, the reason you only use one hand is……”
“Well, it is trauma. To be honest, I even tried to hold a sword when my arm was not normal.”
But I could not swing it. Holding a sword was a completely different matter from using my left arm in daily life. The moment I gripped the sword with my left hand, the memories of the past I wanted to forget came rushing back.
The faces of those who mocked me as soon as I injured my arm. My father, who always looked at me with an expression as if he had committed a mortal sin. And even my mother, who lost interest in me once I was no longer the same as before.
“It was hell. It was absolute hell.”
I tried to endure it, but it was not easy. I had not mocked others, so why did I have to hear people say I got what I deserved? I had done nothing wrong, so why did I have to endure my mother’s cold glares?
“No. Actually, I could have endured even that.”
Yes. If I gritted my teeth, it was bearable. I could just ignore the mockery. I could endure my mother’s glares to some extent by thinking that she had never loved me from the start anyway. But…….
“I could not stand my father’s face, which came to mind every time I gripped a sword with my left hand.”
Unlike my mother, who always pushed me, my father always thought of me first. I could not bear the sight of that father apologizing to me with tears in his eyes, telling me he was sorry.
“The truth is, my father did nothing wrong.”
It was not even an accident caused by my father’s mistake. What could he have done when the other driver crossed the center line and crashed into us while drunk late at night? It was simply a disaster. Even so, it was incredibly hard to witness my father apologizing to me.
“It is funny, is it not? The reason I cannot hold a sword is not because of the people who envied me, but because of the person who loved me.”
My father always comforted me, telling me to live the life I wanted and to find my own joy. That father was a hero to me. He was a man who deserved admiration, always smiling at me with a dependable presence. But that hero of mine collapsed because of me. A person who never lost his confidence or kindness in any situation crumbled because of me alone.
“I did not want to see it. I did not want to see my fallen hero—my hero who had faded until only wretchedness remained.”
So I gave up using both hands. As long as I did not use my left hand, which was the biggest reason my father had become so wretched, the memories of that day would not come back so intensely. I could avoid recalling the image of my father, who had become pathetic because of me.
“I have put it in plausible terms, but if you look closely, I was just running away. I could not accept reality.”
Yes. In the end, looking only at the result, it was no different from running away. Perhaps that was why I became so emotionally invested in this world.
‘It was my father’s influence that led me to read web novels.’
My father’s only hobby was web novels. I could not read them when I was young because I was learning kendo, but after I was injured, I began reading web novels because I wanted to enjoy the same hobby as my father. It was a small reason; I thought that maybe then I could have a proper conversation with my father, who always avoided me because he was sorry.
‘The first thing I read back then was the novel containing the story of this world.’
To be honest, I did not admire the heroes in this world from the very beginning. This novel, too, eventually had the same kind of title and development that could be found anywhere. It was just a means to form a bond with my father and approach him comfortably like before.
‘Then, before I knew it, I was hooked.’
I did not understand it at first. It was only natural. Up until then, the only novels I had read were things like Shakespeare’s four great tragedies, which everyone reads at least once in their childhood. But as time passed, my heart could not help but change.
‘Because it felt like my own story.’
Talent and effort. Despite having those, the reality of the world was not just brilliant. Trials continued to the point where one might wonder if someone harbored malicious intent. It was not much different from the life I had experienced. Of course, if I compared them properly, my side would be trivial, but that was how it felt to me anyway.
‘But there were also clear differences.’
That was the spirit of not giving up even in the midst of a gutter-like process. It was the persistence to stand firm even if a rough future awaited. It was different from me. It was different from me, who chose to give up rather than overcome, and who chose avoidance rather than confrontation. The stories the heroes in the novel created were very different from mine.
‘That is why I admired them. That is why I wanted to protect them.’
By then, it was already too late for me. If I had worked hard on my physical therapy, I might have been able to continue kendo, even if it was not as good as before I was injured. But because I gave up early on, there was no hope.
‘But the story of this world was still ongoing.’
That was why I hoped. While it was already too late for me, I harbored the desire that these people at least would achieve the results they wanted.
‘Then I saw the unwanted ending and entered this world.’
At the start, it might have just been because my father wanted to share a hobby, but now, it was a story in a novel that I myself had truly fallen for. Thus, even in the midst of the mysterious phenomenon that suddenly occurred, I adapted quickly and made up my mind. I did not know what kind of trick the author had played, but since the opportunity had come, I would protect it. Unlike me, who had given up, I would protect my admired heroes who did not give up until the end.
‘And yet, I am still in this state.’
What was the point of making up my mind? I was not changing myself. Memories of the past I want to forget come back when I hold a sword? In the end, it was all just an excuse. I was merely running away again, just like before, behind plausible excuses.
“It is a pathetically ugly sight.”
A guy who claims he will protect the heroes he admires gives up an arm because he does not want to recall the past…… What a foolish story. I do not want to see the image of my father, whom I considered a hero, collapsing because of me? What kind of sophistry is that?
Did my father ever say that? Did he say it was all my fault that he became this miserable? That things would not be like this if I had not injured my left arm that day?
No. Not at all. I still remember it vividly.
— Yu-seong. You do not need to feel responsible. You did nothing wrong. So, live the life you want, your own life.
The image of my father, who came into my room secretly at night thinking I was asleep and said those words. Even so, I was running away. What my hero truly wanted was for me to live my own life, but I was still bound by the past and running away. That was why I could not help but curse myself.
“At myself, for knowing I have to change but failing to do so.”
It was then, when I could not control my emotions as I was buried in the memories of the past I had lived trying to forget.
“I think it is a relief that you feel that way.”
I heard Yu-hyeon’s voice. Along with some slightly annoying words.
“What do you mean, a relief? Seeing me blame myself and call myself pathetic?”
Was it because my emotions were overwhelmed? My words came out more harshly than usual. But Yu-hyeon brushed it off as if it were nothing and continued.
“Many people in the world live by compromising, even when they know their own faults. They say it cannot be helped, or that this is the best they can do.”
“…….”
“But that is not the case for you right now, is it, Brother? You know that you are making excuses, and you are not compromising with yourself, are you?”
“What is the point of that? In the end, I am not changing.”
Not compromising is not enough. It only becomes meaningful when you finally change your faults. If I did not change, I was no different from those who compromised.
“I do not see it that way.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I have not lived long, but I have experienced and seen many people. And from that, I was able to gain one realization.”
“…And what is that?”
“As long as will exists, people eventually change in desperate situations. Whether it is late or early.”
“…….”
“So, why not try believing in yourself? Or you could even make a bet.”
This is ridiculous. He is not even the person involved, so how can he know that? But…….
‘I do feel a bit better.’
Was it because I felt a sense of nostalgia for an old friend I could no longer see in the words Yu-hyeon spoke? I felt much more at ease than before. Of course, because of that, a reality check began to wash over me.
“I intended to say only a little, but I ended up saying everything. I have never told this to anyone.”
“Hahat, I am the same; the things I said earlier are things I have never told anyone else either.”
“So I do not know why I am doing this with you.”
“It is because those are things you cannot say to someone precious to you. Do you not always want to show only your best side to those who are precious?”
Yu-hyeon talked back, not losing a single word. Since it felt like I would just keep being refuted if we continued, I decided to change the subject.
“Anyway, if that is the case, the truth game you mentioned is over now, right?”
“Hmm, yes. Since we have cleared up the things we were most curious about anyway.”
“Then is it goodbye for now?”
“It should be. There is still some time left, but resting is also an important task, is it not?”
He was right. It would be nonsensical to work hard on growing only to be unable to use that strength at the crucial moment.
“It will be a while before we meet again.”
To perform the so-called ‘thinning out’ that Yu-hyeon had asked of me, preparation would be necessary. I expected it would be a while before the day we met again came, and I was about to say goodbye, but…….
“Haha, you never know.”
Contrary to my expectation, Yu-hyeon spoke in riddles.
“What are you talking about? Whatever, I am leaving now.”
But there was no need to bicker anymore. So, I ignored him and turned my back.
I did so without knowing at the time that I should have pressed him a bit more.
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