Chapter 141: Rising Dawn, a Past Surpassed (3)
When was it?
An old memory surfaced, one so distant I could not even remember exactly when it happened.
It felt as though I was dreaming.
No, it was not just a sensation; it felt like I could actually call it a dream.
“I definitely lost consciousness.”
Since I had passed out after being stabbed by the sword of the Apostle, I supposed I could consider this a dream.
I had heard that people usually do not realize they are dreaming, but for some reason, I was aware of it.
It felt too ambiguous to be a final flash of memories before death, as only a specific portion of my past was coming to mind.
“I am not quite sure.”
Regardless, the important thing was that I was currently unconscious.
If that was the case, there was no need to resist the old memories rising to the surface.
Therefore, I decided to simply leave everything to the flow of my consciousness.
“It has been a long time.”
I could not recall the exact date, but I remembered having this conversation.
After all, this memory was a conversation I had with my only friend before I came to this world.
Furthermore, it was not a playful chat one could just brush off; it was a serious discussion.
“It was probably not long after I had my accident.”
It was a moment when I wanted to let go of everything, a moment when I wanted to give up and run away.
This was a memory of that time.
Back then, when even being awake was painful, I had gone to a local playground to try and soothe my mind, even if only a little.
I did not know how he found me, but my friend had tracked me down.
Then, he suddenly spoke to me.
-At this rate, I might see you on the news or at the River of Death tomorrow.
At the time, I thought he was a madman, but thinking back now, I believe it was a form of consideration.
I think he wanted to change the gloomy atmosphere somehow.
Well, I did not have the mental capacity to think that way at the time.
Perhaps that was why my response back then was quite cynical.
‘Just leave if you are going to talk nonsense. How did you even know I was here anyway?’
-Haha! That is because you are in the palm of this Big Brother’s hand.
‘We are the same age. What do you mean, "Big Brother"?’
-Hey, man. The one who is more mature is the Big Brother. So, what were you thinking about so miserably?
Normally, I would have ignored him and moved on.
I was not the type of person to pour out my worries to someone else.
However, perhaps it was because I was cornered mentally.
In the end, unlike my usual self, I revealed the thoughts I had been holding onto to my friend.
‘It feels like nothing is going the way I want it to.’
-Hmm, you are being too brief, so I do not really get it. What is it that you want?
‘To return things to the way they were.’
Yes.
Back then, that was the only thing I wanted.
‘My left arm has been broken since the accident. The hospital said daily life would be fine, but I would not be able to do strenuous activities like sports.’
-…….
‘As you know, everything was ruined because of that. I do not even need to pick one thing; it was everything.’
-…That is true.
‘Seeing my father struggling made me want to go back. If I can somehow hold a sword and swing it, a miracle might happen, unlike what the hospital said, right?’
I remember.
I definitely said those words.
I said that even if it was a happiness that could shatter at any moment like a glass cup, I wanted to go back if I only could.
But… as one might know, I had a major problem.
‘But the thing is, I just cannot bring myself to hold a sword.’
-You cannot hold it?
‘Just holding a sword with my left hand brings back painful memories. I talked to the hospital, and they said it was something like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.’
As I had mentioned before, regardless of my desire to return to the past, the fact remained that I could not even hold a sword.
That was a very large problem regarding my wish.
‘That is why I was here. This world is trash because not a single thing I want ever comes true.’
-…….
‘It is not a very interesting concern, is it? I appreciate you coming, but you do not need to worry about it since it is a problem that has no known solution anyway.’
It was a problem that would not have a clear solution even if I told someone.
That was why I had told my friend that.
There was no need to continue a heavy conversation with my only friend.
It was enough for me alone to have my mood ruined in various ways.
However, contrary to my expectations at the time, my friend did not back down.
And then, he said this.
-Well, in my opinion, someone like you will never be able to fix that trauma.
…He said that.
Naturally, my response to that could not have been good.
‘What did you say, you crazy bastard?’
Was it not an obvious reaction?
He should have been giving me words of encouragement, but instead, he was spewing negative nonsense. How could I say anything nice? Especially when he was supposed to be my friend.
However, my friend was not shaken by my reaction and steadfastly continued speaking.
-Think about it. How can things go well when there is nothing you truly want for yourself?
‘What?’
-To be honest, I do not know what kind of pain you are going through. Unless I become you, I will never know for the rest of my life.
‘…….’
-But I think I know this one thing. Even now, you do not want anything truly for yourself, do you?
I still could not forget my friend’s face as he said that.
The moment when the guy who always lived with a smile whenever he was with me made a serious expression for the first time.
Perhaps that was why I could not argue with my friend’s words and could only listen until the end.
-The cause of the trauma you mentioned is a problem with those around you, but in the end, you want to overcome it because of those around you again. Do you really think that would work?
‘…….’
-Well, I think I said that a bit harshly… but this is what I want to say. Live the life you want, my friend.
“Then, perhaps that trauma of yours will heal someday.”
After saying those words, my friend turned his back and left.
Although I could not remember exactly when it was… it was truly an unforgettable memory.
***
After I regained consciousness, the memory of my friend surfaced once again.
However, the feeling I had now was clearly different from when I had recalled it earlier.
Ha Eun-ha, who was crying for me, and Im Seong-cheol and the others, who were fighting a battle between life and death to protect Ha Eun-ha and me.
Looking at them, I finally understood what my friend meant that day.
“…So that was it.”
Perhaps the emotions I was feeling now might seem similar to before.
Back then, it was for the harmony of my family, and now, it was for the future of the heroes.
In the end, the emotion itself—of wanting to hold a sword for someone other than myself—was the same.
However, if I delved deeper, the essence was very different.
“Back then, it was not something I truly wanted for myself.”
Yes.
At that time, I did not want it because I personally did not want to lose a harmonious home with my family.
It was because the sight of my father blaming himself for his mistakes was so heartbreaking.
So, I wanted it because I thought if I could only return to how I was before, the family would be reunited again using that as a catalyst.
I wanted it because I thought my father would be able to regain the dignified appearance he had in the past.
And…….
“Now, it is something I truly want.”
At first, I simply did not want to see the heroes I admired looking sad, that was all.
Since I was so busy back then, I did not have time to reflect on myself.
But things were a bit different now.
It was only for a brief moment, but after contemplating myself, I could understand.
‘The admiration in the novel has become the reality before my eyes.’
And that reality was different from the story in the novel in ways that could not even be compared.
Yes, I might not have noticed it until now, or perhaps my subconscious was pretending not to know even though I did, but I could realize it now.
‘I am no longer a reader; I am together with them.’
I did not want to protect them simply because they were heroes I admired.
Ha Eun-ha, who was shedding tears; Ryu Jin-oh, whose face was contorted; and Kim Su-hyeok, who was showing me a bright smile.
Im Seong-cheol and Oh Jin-eon., whose expressions were still blunt but clearly filled with worry, and even Ju Ha-yeon, who was biting her lip though her expression had brightened significantly.
They were not just heroes I admired; I wanted to protect them because they were my friends and colleagues at the same time.
‘Of course, not for someone else, but for myself.’
This was my own greed, not for anyone else.
Their happiness was my happiness.
It was my own selfish desire to walk with them until the end as friends and colleagues, and to be happy alongside them.
As I thought that, a hollow laugh escaped me.
“I see. He was worth calling Big Brother.”
Even though he was a friend of the same age, did he not know me better than I knew myself and give me the right advice?
And thanks to him, was I not able to realize what my true feelings were?
My pride was a bit hurt, but he was worth calling "Big Brother" at least once.
Though he would not be able to hear it anymore.
As I was picturing my friend’s face in my mind while thinking that.
“Yu-seong, are you really okay? You have been muttering for a while now…….”
Ha Eun-ha expressed her worry while checking my complexion.
Perhaps it was because I had returned from the threshold of the River of Death, but I must have been muttering to myself too much.
So, I responded to her concern with a bright voice.
“I am fine. And thank you.”
“No. I am the one who is more grateful to you for protecting me.”
Seeing a calm Ha Eun-ha after seeing her usual playful self felt a bit strange.
It was likely due to the newly awakened "Rising Dawn."
I knew it had the ability to keep one's mind calm.
Just by looking at how her appearance had changed from before, I could tell that she had finished the awakening of her talent.
In the first place, if that were not the case, there was no way I would have survived, so I was certain.
‘Does that mean she awakened because of me?’
It sounds easy when said in words, but it was a truly great feat.
The fact that Ha Eun-ha had achieved the awakening of her talent meant that she had surpassed the past she wanted to forget.
And it felt very strange that the catalyst was me.
However, it was by no means a bad feeling.
‘It means she thinks of me as a friend and colleague she can truly trust.’
How could this be a bad feeling?
I even felt proud.
Perhaps that was why I did not feel any particular sense of strangeness despite the fact that I had died and come back to life.
Most likely, the joy of being able to see them again and the joy of everyone thinking of me sincerely had covered that sense of strangeness.
‘Then I should repay them as well.’
Sincerity for sincerity.
Is that not the natural way and the right path?
Therefore, I spoke to Ha Eun-ha in a low voice.
“I am sorry to ask this after you saved my life, but could you help me a little more?”
“What is there to be sorry about between friends?”
“I suppose so.”
“So, what do I need to help with? Just say the word, and I will do whatever I can.”
The help I needed would not be a problem for her.
However, I had asked politely only because it might cause her pain.
Anyway, if Ha Eun-ha was saying this much, there was no reason to beat around the bush.
It was not a situation where I could afford to talk in circles anyway.
So, I immediately told Ha Eun-ha the help I needed.
“You seem different from before. Is it possible to heal even fatal wounds immediately?”
“As long as you do not die, it is possible to save you, but don't tell me……”
“I see. Then I will leave it to you.”
She tried to say something more, but I cut her off without listening until the end.
It seemed Ha Eun-ha also realized what I was trying to do.
‘If I can be healed as long as I do not die, that means I can act quite boldly.’
It meant that I could use a strategy of giving bone to take flesh, rather than giving flesh to take bone.
The opponent did not have the ability to restore flesh, but I was in a situation where I had the ability to reattach bones.
Normally, Ha Eun-ha would have strongly opposed it, but…….
“…Understood. But you still have to be careful.”
She did not bother to object.
With her mind calmed through the Dawn, she would know that the strategy I mentioned could completely shift the balance of the current battle.
“Thank you. And once again, I am going to do something I am sorry for.”
“No. It means you trust me, so I am the one who is grateful.”
With those words, Ha Eun-ha began preparing to cast healing at any moment.
Watching her, I also took hold of my sword once again.
However, I did so in a way that was clearly different from before—no, different from how I had been until now.
“It has been a long time. It has been a very long time.”
My right hand wrapped around the hilt of the sword.
And… my left hand, positioned right below that right hand.
Yes, I was now gripping the sword fully with both hands.
And with two hands that were not shaking.
“Did Nietzsche say it? That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”
It was a difficult saying, but I felt like I understood its meaning now.
Well, of course, painful memories still surfaced.
But unlike before, I was not swayed by those memories.
Now, I knew the direction I had to go for what I truly wanted.
So.
“I am paying you back.”
For the admired heroes who showed me this direction, and at the same time, for those who were my friends and colleagues.
And…….
“For myself, who wants to be with these people.”
I shall surpass the past in this very place.
With the brilliant stars and the exceptionally bright dawn as my companions.
I shall now surpass the past that I was once afraid to face.
Visit and read more novel to help us update chapter quickly. Thank you so much!
Use arrow keys (or A / D) to PREV/NEXT chapter