The Forgotten Field

How many pages had he turned before it happened?

Little by little, amidst sentences stained with hatred, profound remorse began to seep through.

[I can't make myself stop hating you. You never let me remain myself.

I hate you for making me feel this way. And I despise myself for still being unable to let you go completely, even after everything has come to this.]

[Every night, I hear Khan crying. Have I finally gone completely mad?

It feels as though Khan's soul is wandering around me. If only I could, I would give birth to him all over again.

But my body is already ruined. It's been a long time since my monthly blood stopped coming.

I keep hoping that one day this medicine will bring my life to an end as well.]

[Perhaps all I ever wanted was to reclaim the happiest moment of my life.

I clung to the foolish hope that if I had another child, I might somehow return to those days.

Now I understand how foolish that thought was.

There were moments that could have been undone, and yet I chose wrongly every single time.

I tore open my own wounds with my own hands, making certain they could never heal, and then cursed the pain for refusing to end.]

[The truth is... I always knew.

That my injured leg, losing our child, Khan's death... all of it was my fault.

I knew, and yet I poured all my resentment onto you. Because the moment I admitted that I had brought it upon myself, I thought I would truly want to die.

I wounded you so that I could keep living. Even though, somewhere deep inside, I knew you were suffering too.]

[I'm getting used to watching you leave.

As I watched you disappear into the distance, I found myself thinking about your happiness for the first time. I hoped that someday you would become happier than anyone else in this world...

But for that to happen, I have to disappear from your life. I'm nothing more than a parasite feeding on it.

If I truly wanted to save your life, all I'd have to do is climb to the top of the Holy Tower and soar away like a bird.

I hope that someday I'll find the courage to do that.]

[Today, I finally let you go forever.

Now I have nothing left to wish for.

Until this life comes to an end, I will never wish for anything again.]

The rambling diary ended there, cutting off completely.

Halfway through, she had stopped recording the dates as well, making it impossible to tell when the later entries had been written.

Staring blankly at the final page, Varkas slowly lifted his head as the rain intensified, battering violently against the window frame.

Gray clouds blanketed the sky, unleashing a furious downpour without restraint.

He closed the diary and slowly rose to his feet.

His knees trembled as though every bone in his body had melted away.

Only then did he realize he was in such a condition that collapsing at any moment would have been unsurprising.

He paid it no mind.

Opening the door, he stepped outside.

He descended the stairs through the corridor that seemed to sway like a marsh, until the Great Hall, swallowed by darkness, came into view.

Passing through the rear entrance, he stepped into the rain-soaked garden.

Cold rainwater streamed through his hair and down the back of his neck.

It was only after crossing halfway through the rear garden that he realized where he was headed.

Beyond the curtain of rain, the silhouette of a dark building gradually emerged.

It was where she had lived for an entire season.

Clinging to the hope that some trace of her might still remain there, he staggered forward.

The annex was empty.

After she had moved back into the main castle, the servants had apparently returned to their original quarters as well.

Entering the dim hall, Varkas slowly crossed the dark interior, droplets of rain falling steadily from his clothes.

The first floor contained the servants' common room, the kitchen, and the quarters for the guards.

After passing through the lightly dust-covered rooms, he climbed the stairs.

There he found the neatly arranged drawing room, the maids' common room, and the bedroom where she had once stayed.

He walked over slowly and grasped the doorknob.

With a long creak, the warmly furnished bedroom opened before him.

He quietly surveyed the room.

Nothing had changed since the last time he had visited.

His gaze eventually settled on the bed she had used.

At that moment—

The illusion of a woman with desolate eyes appeared upon the perfectly made bed.

Blue eyes stained with sorrow and old wounds looked at him with quiet resentment.

The words he had once spoken to that face echoed in his ears.

"Regret is always too late, no matter how soon it comes."

He remained frozen for a long while.

Then he slowly approached the bedside.

Opening the nightstand drawer, he found several neatly arranged candles, a quill, and an ink bottle.

There was no sign that anyone had ever used them.

They seemed to be nothing more than supplies the servants had prepared.

He immediately opened another drawer.

At last, he found what appeared to be her personal belongings.

A small hand mirror.

An ivory comb.

A tray containing a pair of tiny tweezers and several other personal items.

He lifted it out and searched every corner of the bottom.

His fingertips brushed against a small iron key.

At first glance, it didn't appear to belong to any door or chest.

He studied the tiny key—barely larger than his little finger—for a long moment before slipping it into his coat pocket.

Then he walked over to the desk and opened each drawer and storage compartment one after another.

There was no diary anywhere.

Staring into the empty drawers with a hollow expression, he abruptly turned toward the wardrobe and the chests, tearing through them one after another.

This couldn't be the end.

She had to have left something else behind.

There was no way she could have abandoned everything so completely and simply allowed her life to end.

How long he searched the room in a near-mad frenzy, he did not know.

Eventually, beneath the bed, he discovered a small sewing basket.

He overturned it onto the carpet.

Neatly wound spools of thread and several tightly rolled scraps of cloth scattered across the floor.

He picked up one crumpled piece of fabric and carefully unfolded it.

Embroidered onto the unevenly cut cloth was a dark-colored bird.

As he gently stroked it with his fingertips, a passage from her diary suddenly surfaced in his mind.

[It's been raining all day today.

Like a fool, I found myself thinking once again about the day we first met.

There was something I wanted to ask you at least once.

What happened to the bird you carried away that day?

If I had asked you that on the day you became my Imperial Guard knight... what would you have answered?

Now I'll never hear that answer.

You probably don't even remember something that happened so long ago.]

Varkas slowly blinked his unfocused eyes and looked toward the rain-splattered window.

The wind howled past, rattling the frame.

After standing motionless for a long time, a short, ragged breath escaped his lips.

"...I let it go."

His body, no longer able to support its own weight, gave way.

Staggering, he collapsed beside the bed and muttered in a cracked voice,

"I let it fly away...

Far, far away."

The lingering image of a small bird spreading its wings and soaring into the blue sky drifted through his mind.

Without realizing it, his fingers clenched tightly around the embroidered bird.

Unable to endure the agony ripping through his body any longer, he folded over onto his knees.

His entire body convulsed like the trembling leaves of an aspen, cold sweat pouring from every inch of him.

Covering his face—soaked with sweat, rain, and tears—with one hand, he gasped for breath before finally collapsing onto the cold sheets.

He had no idea how long he remained like that.

Then, suddenly...

A gentle hand brushed across his hair.

With great effort, he forced open his leaden eyelids.

She was sitting at the head of the bed.

He murmured to himself.

I knew it.

I knew this would happen.

The idea that you're gone from this world...

It was all a lie.

I was only trapped inside a horrible, revolting nightmare.

Once I wake up from it...

I'll never let you out of my sight again.

No matter how much you cry...

No matter how desperately you beg...

I'll never leave your side again.

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