Translator: Alpha0210
But Residue didn't leave the room. For a long moment, he regarded Lukas with an unreadable gaze. Lukas felt no regret over the harsh words he'd spat out, but strangely, he found he couldn't hold that gaze for long.
Meanwhile, Residue set the notebook in his hand back on the desk and muttered.
"Come to think of it, that makes sense."
"What does."
"Why you're getting so emotional. It adds up now."
"And here I wondered what you were on about... You still don't understand why I'm angry? You were the one who was rude first. And I'm the sort who pays back exactly what I'm given."
"Exactly. Which is to say, even I couldn't escape a tedious preconception. In the broad sense, I was mistaken."
Even in a situation like this, the man kept spouting cryptic nonsense, then looked at Lukas and said,
"I was quite rude, wasn't I? You have my apology."
"......"
His attitude remained as haughty as ever, the apology delivered with nothing more than a careless bob of the head, but Lukas didn't press the matter further. He doubted the man would comply even if he demanded a sincere apology in the first place.
Strangely, the anger that had been churning inside him only moments ago had subsided.
A sudden wave of fatigue washed over Lukas, and he spoke in a listless voice.
"...At least observe basic courtesy. My companions don't think well of you."
"Haha. No need to draw the distinction. I grate on you just as much, I'd wager."
"I......"
Lukas trailed off, then nodded.
"Right. I do too. If you know that, can't you mind your behavior a little? If you'd pulled something like this on one of the others, things would have blown up far worse."
"Those greenhorns you call companions? Sadly, I have little interest in them. A touch of curiosity, perhaps, but a day or two of observation should be enough to reach my conclusions."
What conclusions, exactly?
Lukas had watched Residue for about a day now, yet he still had no sense of how to judge the man. It felt as though no thread led to anything essential about him, which was strange. Residue showed not the slightest sign of trying to hide himself.
He seemed the type to act however he pleased and say whatever came to mind, and yet Lukas couldn't get any read on what he was. In a sense, he was a contradiction.
"Is it hard?"
Residue's gaze drifted back to the notebook.
"...I don't know why you'd ask that. What exactly are you thinking? Are you truly one of the Demigods' underlings?"
"I'd thank you not to treat me as a servant of such half-baked creatures."
"......"
If nothing else, in that moment, Lukas felt certain Residue had no connection to them.
A Demigod would never demean itself, and no being who actually knew them, whoever they might be, could dismiss them as half-baked.
That held true for Lukas, who fought desperately to uncover their intentions, and even for the Dragons, the Demigods' sworn nemeses.
"I am simply asking. Whether you're so cornered that you'd fall sick with the pressure if you didn't write things like this down."
"And why would you."
"Can't an older brother worry about his younger brother? Prickly about every little thing, aren't you."
"......"
He couldn't say why, but the words just spoken rang false.
Was the lie the part about being a brother? Or the part about worrying?
...Either way, in contrast to how this man acted exactly as he pleased, it was plain that he was hiding a great deal about himself.
And yet the reason Lukas couldn't muster more hostility than the situation warranted was that he sensed not a shred of malice from the man.
Of that much, he was certain.
Then what was Residue after?
"Don't want to answer?"
"Would telling you change anything?"
"A great deal would change. No."
Residue said,
"Everything might."
"......"
"Tell me, Lukas. This is one thing I cannot know without hearing it from you directly. I simply want to help you."
Lukas held his silence, torn.
Suspicion still lingered, but it was also true that this was, strangely, a being he couldn't turn away from. Then were the words just spoken true as well? What meaning was there in having his inner self laid bare?
Thoughts crossed and tangled, and Lukas came to his decision.
"It's hard."
A Demigod would have no reason to ask such a thing. The ones he'd known all this time had never held the slightest interest in what went on inside a Mortal's heart.
The man was a mountain of suspicious points, and he committed grating offenses without a second thought, but even so, he was not an enemy. Probably not.
For now, Lukas decided to think of Residue that way.
"You confess rather readily. I know. You've never shown this notebook to anyone, have you? Not even those dullards at your side."
"That's right."
"Is there a reason?"
"They wouldn't like seeing me this way."
Lukas murmured.
"Of course, perhaps true friends ought to be able to share even each other's weaknesses, but our situation right now is a special one. Every one of us has been pushed to the limit, in more ways than one. It's precarious, and dangerous. Do you know what the solution is in a case like that?"
"......"
"You need a support. A sturdy, solid pillar. You don't need many. One is enough. With just that, the others can manage to hold on."
Lukas shook his head.
"The reason I took on that role is entirely rational, too. Of the five of us, I was the best suited for it. In terms of relationships, and in terms of temperament."
Having said it all left him with a strange feeling.
He had never told this to anyone, and had never imagined he would.
"Are you sure you should be telling me this? Aren't you worried I'll tell your companions?"
"Even if you did, no one would believe you. And I'd play dumb about all of this anyway."
"Oho. So you have a cunning streak."
"Nothing next to yours."
Residue gave a short laugh and said,
"Understanding others really isn't for me. I've tried it many times, and each time it left my insides uneasy. Queasy, like something half-digested. Do you know the feeling?"
"No."
"You're at your limit. You look fine on the outside, but inside you're rotting, festering, on the verge of bursting open. I don't mean to belittle you, but the trials you face now, and nothing more, have you on the brink of breaking."
Strangely, the words stirred no urge to push back.
Why was that? The man claimed no intent to belittle him even as he did exactly that, treating the burdens Lukas carried as trifling, and yet the fact didn't much wound his pride.
The moment Lukas looked at the man's face, he understood why.
Because beneath this unspeakably rude man's attitude, he could sense a measure of respect.
Fft...
Just then, the candle's wick burned down to nothing.
With the flame gone, the room sank into darkness in an instant. Residue looked out the window. The sky was still dim. There was time yet before dawn ended.
"...Perhaps dying would be better."
The low voice continued.
Lukas looked at Residue.
But in a room where the light had gone out entirely, the man's face was veiled by his disheveled hair, hard to make out.
"Say there's an ant."
"A what?"
"An ant. The insect you can find without much trouble even in a desert like this. The creature that comes first to mind when someone says 'lowly thing'."
Of course, Lukas hadn't been asking for a biological definition.
"...Right. Fine, go on."
"This one was born a bit stronger than the other ants. Smart, but not clever. So while the other insects idled, it foraged for food alone, fought off the dangerous bugs nearby... In any case, every day was suffering."
What was the man getting at this time?
Lukas listened to the voice, still standing where he was.
"It was born strong, but you couldn't call it lucky. It had no knack for things, so even with an easy path right there, it chose only the hard ones. The times it nearly lost its life numbered more than ten fingers could count. Its body was wounded, and so was its heart. Now and then it wanted to rest, but every time, another ant would come asking things."
"Like what."
"The kind of words that grate, what else? 'Why is there no food today?' Or, 'A bad one showed up near the nest!'"
"......"
"And so this foolish ant, telling itself there was no other way, would drag its wound-riddled body out of the nest again. For the sake of freeloaders who couldn't even look after themselves."
Lukas closed his mouth. He was no fool.
He knew exactly who the ant in Residue's story was.
"It's a flawed analogy."
Lukas shook his head.
"You talk as if you know everything about me, but in truth you don't know a thing. I'm not capable of that kind of self-sacrifice."
"Is that so? Perhaps. But people are bound to change."
"Meaning what?"
"Everything around you now, every circumstance, every event, every bond. What if none of it turns out to be your greatest trial?"
Lukas blinked rapidly. He couldn't quite grasp what the man was saying.
"What if, compared to what awaits you, the pain you feel now is laughable? What if the future is littered with horrors so terrible you'd long to return to this very moment? What then?"
"Why say such things? Are you trying to lay a curse on me?"
"No."
"Then what? Are you threatening to make it so your–"
"Lukas Trowman. What you must do in this moment is answer the question."
"......"
Lukas closed his mouth.
Onto the still-dark room, a heavy silence now settled as well.
Residue seemed to have nothing more to say. He didn't press, didn't throw out another word. What expression he wore remained impossible to tell, but at the very least, it was plain that his eyes had never left Lukas.
"Well......"
Lukas opened with that uncertain word.
"I'm only saying this because you seem to have noticed already, but honestly, even now it's more than I can carry."
A chest heavy and numb, as though a slab of lead were pressing down on it.
Eyes that were always dry and gritty. Chronic fatigue.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten any real sleep.
"My head's already about to burst with what I'm facing now. If something bigger than this comes crashing down, I probably won't hold."
"......"
"...I don't really know why I'm telling you this. It's not as if I believe that nonsense about you being my brother."
Lukas gave a wry laugh, but this time there was no trace of a smile from Residue.
He was silent a moment, then spoke again.
"Are you afraid of dying?"
Lukas regarded Residue with an odd look before answering.
"Is there anyone who isn't?"
"I suppose such oddities exist."
"Do they? Then I suppose I'm no oddity."
"But Lukas, isn't the burden you carry too heavy? Heavy enough that death might feel like rest."
"......"
"Have you never once thought it might be better to just die?"
At that question, Lukas couldn't help but let out a hollow laugh.
"It's a strange feeling. You met me for the first time today. No, yesterday. And yet you know me far too well. As if you've looked right inside me. Congratulations. That absurd claim of yours about being my brother is gradually gaining credibility."
"......"
"Then I suppose I should answer this question too?"
Lukas felt as though the liquor he'd drunk long ago was only now going to his head. Or perhaps it was the dawn itself he was drunk on.
"More times than I can count. Especially on nights like this, when the moonlight runs dim, my heart grows restless. If life is nothing but pain, then death would be liberation."
"......"
Then, stillness.
For a very long time, no answer came from Residue.
A silence longer than any that had come before.
And then, slowly, his voice emerged.
"I see."
Residue said it in a voice that carried no relief.
Then he rose from his seat and left the room without another word.
An exit as abrupt as his arrival had been.
"...Strange man."
He'd thought the man would have more to say.
He even felt a faint disappointment, and that surprised him a little. Could it be that he'd wanted to keep talking?
Restless for no good reason, he stared at the door the man had just walked out of. Not even closing the door behind him, at a time like this. Lukas was starting to get a read on the man's patterns.
It wasn't a particularly pleasant realization, and he shook his head.
He closed the door and returned the chair Residue had been sitting in to its place.
Then, on a whim, he looked out through the half-open window.
"......"
Regret and relief washed over him at once.
Regret, wondering if he'd said things better left unsaid.
Relief, at having unburdened himself, even a little.
Even so, he hadn't spoken his whole heart.
On dark, gloomy nights like this, weakness always crept into his heart, but whenever the sun rose, those thoughts vanished as though washed clean away.
And now, beyond the dunes outside the window.
The light of sunrise was climbing into the sky.
*****
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