Chapter 42: Chapter 42: Sleepless Night
Marian did not sleep.
At least not immediately.
Which was entirely Cassian’s fault.
Or perhaps her own.
She had not decided yet.
Both possibilities were deeply irritating.
Lying in bed, she stared at the canopy above her.
The dance replayed itself immediately.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Because apparently humiliation was now a nightly hobby.
The hand.
The silence.
The eye contact.
The blush.
Dear heavens.
The blush.
Marian groaned and buried her face in her pillow.
Because she was twenty years old.
Not fourteen.
Yet somehow she had blushed like a foolish debutante attending her first ball.
The memory was unbearable.
Naturally, she replayed it again.
And again.
And again.
Why?
The question appeared before she could stop it.
Not why did I blush.
That answer was somehow even more alarming.
No.
The real question was:
Why did he ask me?
Marian rolled onto her back again.
The answer was obvious.
Because she looked upset.
Because he was kind.
Because he had seen Adrian dancing with Elena.
Because he felt sorry for her.
Reasonable explanations.
Safe explanations.
Comfortable explanations.
Then another thought arrived.
Small.
Dangerous.
Uninvited.
Was that really the only reason?
Marian immediately rejected it.
Of course it was.
Obviously.
Naturally.
Then why do you wish it wasn’t?
Silence.
Complete silence.
Because that question was significantly harder.
Marian closed her eyes.
And immediately saw him.
Not the Duke of Ashbourne.
Not Adrian’s cousin.
Not the most desired bachelor in the kingdom.
Just Cassian.
Standing beside the lake.
Looking at her as though what she was saying mattered.
Listening.
Actually listening.
Not trying to solve her feelings.
Not trying to dismiss them.
Not trying to explain them away.
Simply listening.
The memory tightened something inside her chest.
Then came another.
The woodland walk.
The laughter.
The arguments.
The way he always seemed to understand exactly what she meant, even when she wished he wouldn’t.
Then the dance.
The terrible, horrible dance.
The way he’d looked at her.
The way he’d immediately made a joke when she’d started blushing.
The way he’d rescued her from embarrassment without ever mentioning it.
The way he had somehow known exactly what she needed.
Marian pressed a hand against her eyes.
This was bad.
This was very bad.
Because none of those thoughts answered the question.
They only made it worse.
Why do I want him to like me?
The answer should have been simple.
Vanity.
Pride.
A wounded ego.
After weeks of feeling overlooked, of course it felt nice to have someone notice her.
Especially someone like Cassian.
Any woman would enjoy that.
Wouldn’t she?
The explanation should have satisfied her.
It didn’t.
Because if it were only vanity, then any man’s attention would have done.
Yet she wasn’t wondering about any man.
She was wondering about Cassian.
Specifically.
Dangerously.
The realization settled heavily inside her.
Not because she wanted him.
Not yet.
Not in the way the realization implied.
But because—
If he asked me again tomorrow...
Marian froze.
The thought arrived fully formed.
Terrifyingly clear.
If he asked me again tomorrow, I would say yes.
Immediately.
Without hesitation.
The answer came so quickly that it frightened her.
Because it was true.
And somehow that truth felt more dangerous than the dance itself.
Did he feel something?
The question slipped through her defenses.
No.
Don’t be ridiculous.
Cassian was kind.
Observant.
Charming.
He probably danced with upset women all the time.
The thought should have comforted her.
Instead it irritated her.
Which was ridiculous.
Entirely ridiculous.
But what if he did?
Marian stared at the ceiling.
Then, horrifyingly, she felt herself smile.
A small smile.
A foolish smile.
The sort of smile she absolutely should not have been wearing.
She immediately buried her face in the pillow again.
Because she should not be smiling at that possibility.
She knew she shouldn’t.
And yet—
She was.
The realization should have filled her with guilt.
Instead it filled her with confusion.
Because Adrian still existed.
She still loved Adrian.
That had not changed.
Yet somehow another truth existed alongside it.
One she didn’t know what to do with.
She wanted Cassian to look at her.
She wanted him to notice.
She wanted—
Marian squeezed her eyes shut.
This was a terrible idea.
The truly horrifying part?
She wasn’t entirely certain she wanted it to stop.
Across the estate, Cassian was having an equally unsuccessful evening.
The realization annoyed him immensely.
His coat had been discarded.
His cravat abandoned somewhere on a chair.
A glass sat untouched beside him.
Yet somehow none of those things held his attention.
Because Marian occupied an unreasonable amount of it.
The realization was offensive.
Deeply offensive.
Cassian stared out the window.
The dance replayed itself.
Unfortunately.
The hand.
The silence.
The blush.
The blush was the problem.
He had seen women blush before.
Many times.
Yet somehow Marian’s was the one occupying his thoughts.
Not because it had been calculated.
Quite the opposite.
It had been real.
Unfiltered.
Unexpected.
The exact moment her eyes widened.
The exact moment she looked away.
The exact moment color rushed into her cheeks.
The exact moment she grabbed onto his ridiculous joke like it had saved her life.
Cassian remembered every detail.
Which was troubling.
Because it implied he had been paying attention.
Far too much attention.
He exhaled slowly.
This was becoming ridiculous.
Of all the women in the kingdom—
It had to be her.
The one woman he should not be noticing.
The one woman he should not be remembering.
The one woman he should not be looking for across crowded rooms.
Yet somehow he did.
Again.
And again.
And again.
The realization arrived reluctantly.
It wasn’t merely attraction.
Attraction would have been simpler.
Attraction was easy.
Attraction was forgettable.
This wasn’t.
Because attraction did not explain why he remembered her laugh.
Why he remembered the exact expression she wore when she was trying not to smile.
Why he remembered the way she tilted her head during arguments.
Why he remembered the way she looked standing beside the lake.
Why he remembered the hurt in her eyes whenever Adrian’s name entered a conversation.
Those weren’t observations.
Those were memories.
Specific memories.
Personal memories.
The sort a man accumulated only when he was paying attention.
And Cassian had been paying attention.
Far more than he should have.
He rubbed a hand across his face.
Unhelpful.
Entirely unhelpful.
If she weren’t Marian—
The thought stopped immediately.
Because he already knew how that sentence ended.
And he refused to finish it.
Not because he lacked imagination.
Because he possessed too much of it.
The silence stretched.
Then another memory appeared.
The dance ending.
That brief heartbeat before they stepped apart.
The tiny moment where neither moved.
The tiny moment where he had not wanted to let go yet.
Cassian closed his eyes.
Well.
That was unfortunate.
Because that feeling had a name.
Not love.
Not devotion.
Nothing so dramatic.
Simply want.
The desire for another conversation.
Another argument.
Another laugh.
Another dance.
And that was problem enough.
Elsewhere, Adrian prepared for bed.
The evening had been pleasant.
Calmer than previous days.
Which felt like progress.
For the first time in weeks, Marian had looked lighter.
Not happy.
Not entirely.
But better.
The observation brought genuine relief.
Perhaps the distance had been the correct decision after all.
The thought lingered.
Then another memory surfaced.
Elena.
Adrian frowned slightly.
Not because the memory was important.
Because it was oddly persistent.
The interrupted dance partner.
The awkwardness.
The relief on her face when he stepped in.
The poor woman had looked stranded.
Anyone would have helped.
The explanation satisfied him immediately.
Yet another thought followed.
Elena worked too hard.
The observation appeared unexpectedly.
She spent most days buried beneath reports, schedules, and endless responsibilities.
Perhaps she should enjoy herself more.
The thought lingered briefly.
Then faded.
Because there were more important matters.
Marian.
Their future.
The Crown.
Everything waiting beyond the retreat.
For the first time in days, Adrian went to sleep believing things were finally beginning to improve.
Unfortunately—
he was the only one.
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