Chapter 45: Chapter 45: Absence
The next morning, Marian made a decision.
A very mature decision.
A very sensible decision.
A decision she was extremely proud of for approximately fifteen minutes.
She was going to avoid Cassian.
Not forever.
Not dramatically.
Simply for a little while.
Long enough to regain her common sense.
Long enough to stop thinking about impossible questions.
Long enough to forget the look on his face when he had asked:
What do you want to happen, Marian?
The memory immediately returned.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
Marian stabbed unnecessarily at a piece of fruit during breakfast.
Across the room, Cassian was speaking with several noblemen.
She deliberately did not look in his direction.
A strategy that required remarkable discipline.
Mostly because she already knew exactly where he was.
Which was concerning.
Deeply concerning.
Fortunately, breakfast provided enough distractions.
Unfortunately, the rest of the day did not.
The retreat’s activities continued.
Guests wandered through gardens.
Participated in games.
Joined hunting parties.
Visited scenic overlooks.
Spent far too much time discussing things nobody would remember in a month.
Marian spent most of the morning with several ladies.
Entirely by choice.
Mostly.
At least that was what she told herself.
The truth was somewhat less flattering.
Because every time she accidentally found herself near Cassian, she immediately changed direction.
Which felt suspiciously like avoiding him.
Because it was.
Around noon, Marian joined a small gathering beneath one of the garden pavilions.
Tea was served.
Conversation flowed.
Everything was perfectly pleasant.
Then someone laughed.
A woman’s laugh.
Familiar.
Marian glanced up automatically.
A mistake.
A terrible mistake.
Across the garden, Cassian stood speaking with a young noblewoman.
The daughter of a marquess, if Marian remembered correctly.
Pretty.
Elegant.
Confident.
The sort of woman who never seemed uncertain of herself.
The woman laughed again.
Cassian smiled.
Nothing inappropriate.
Nothing unusual.
Nothing worth noticing.
Marian noticed anyway.
The realization irritated her immediately.
Why was she looking?
Why did it matter?
It didn’t.
Obviously.
Then why are you still watching?
Marian looked away so quickly she nearly spilled her tea.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
The rest of the conversation became strangely difficult to follow.
Not because she was distracted.
Because she absolutely wasn’t distracted.
That was the problem.
She was paying far too much attention to the fact that she wasn’t distracted.
The distinction was important.
Probably.
Several minutes later she accidentally looked again.
Entirely by accident.
Naturally.
Cassian was still there.
Still talking.
Still smiling.
The disappointment arrived before she could stop it.
Small.
Quiet.
Unwelcome.
Oh.
That was all.
Just—
Oh.
Nothing dramatic.
Nothing painful.
Just the realization that she had somehow expected something else.
The thought horrified her.
Expected what?
His attention?
His company?
His time?
The answer was somehow worse than the disappointment itself.
Marian immediately stood.
Murmured an excuse.
And escaped into the gardens.
Because clearly she had lost her mind.
It was the only explanation.
Elsewhere, Cassian was experiencing a remarkably similar problem.
Though he would rather have been trampled by his horse than admit it.
The morning had been peaceful.
Productive.
Normal.
At least until he realized he had not seen Marian for several hours.
The observation appeared unexpectedly.
Then stubbornly refused to leave.
Which was irritating.
Because he was not looking for Marian.
He had specifically decided not to look for Marian.
The distinction mattered.
Unfortunately, reality appeared uninterested in the distinction.
Cassian listened to the marquess’s daughter describe some recent social event.
Responded appropriately.
Maintained the conversation.
Performed every expected social obligation.
Meanwhile, a small part of his mind kept noticing something.
Marian wasn’t here.
A ridiculous observation.
There were over a hundred guests attending the retreat.
Why should it matter whether one particular woman was present?
The answer arrived immediately.
And was therefore ignored.
Several times.
Then he spotted her.
Across the gardens.
Standing beneath a pavilion.
Speaking with several ladies.
Relief appeared unexpectedly.
Immediate.
Instinctive.
Gone a second later.
Cassian frowned.
Because that had been relief.
Actual relief.
The realization was deeply inconvenient.
Across the garden, Marian looked up.
Their eyes met briefly.
Then she immediately looked away.
A second later she stood and left.
Cassian watched her disappear among the trees.
The marquess’s daughter said something.
Cassian missed it entirely.
Wonderful.
Just wonderful.
The afternoon brought a luncheon.
Then another gathering.
Then more opportunities for polite social suffering.
By then Marian had almost convinced herself she was behaving normally again.
Almost.
Then Adrian sat beside her.
The action was simple.
Natural.
Entirely expected.
Yet Marian felt surprised.
Because Adrian had been making an effort.
Small efforts.
Consistent efforts.
The sort that once would have meant everything.
"Are you enjoying yourself?"
Adrian asked.
Marian smiled.
"I think so."
"I think so?"
"There are too many nobles."
Adrian laughed.
A genuine laugh.
The sound warmed something inside her chest.
Familiar.
Comforting.
Safe.
For a little while the conversation flowed easily.
Marian found herself relaxing.
Found herself smiling.
Found herself remembering why she had fallen in love with him in the first place.
Across the room, Cassian arrived.
He noticed them immediately.
The realization annoyed him.
Not because Adrian was doing anything wrong.
Not because Marian was doing anything wrong.
Because he had noticed.
Immediately.
Without trying.
Without meaning to.
Without any right whatsoever.
Marian laughed at something Adrian said.
A real laugh.
Cassian looked away.
Immediately.
The movement was perhaps a little too quick.
A little too deliberate.
Which only made it worse.
Why did it matter?
What right did it have to matter?
The question lingered for the rest of the afternoon.
Unanswered.
That evening, the retreat hosted another gathering.
Smaller.
More intimate.
Guests drifted between conversations.
Music played softly in the background.
The atmosphere felt calmer.
Almost peaceful.
Marian had not spoken to Cassian all day.
The realization struck unexpectedly.
And for one horrifying second—
she missed him.
The feeling arrived so suddenly she nearly dropped her glass.
Not dramatically.
Not romantically.
Simply—
she missed him.
The conversations.
The arguments.
The ease.
The terrible, dangerous ease.
Across the room, Cassian caught sight of her.
And for one brief moment, relief appeared.
Again.
Immediate.
Instinctive.
Unwanted.
Their eyes met.
Just for a second.
Then both immediately looked elsewhere.
As though neither had been searching.
As though neither had noticed.
As though neither had spent the entire day acutely aware of the other’s absence.
Both lies.
Both knew it.
And somehow that was becoming harder to ignore.
Because attraction could be dismissed.
A dance could be explained away.
Even a blush could be forgotten.
But missing someone?
That was considerably more difficult.
And unfortunately, both of them were beginning to realize it.
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