Undressed By The Mafia God

He gave Carol a polite nod and left the room. Silence followed. Luca sat utterly still in the chair beside Veronica’s bed, his hand hovering near hers. He had no idea what to feel. Joy seemed dangerous.

"You have doubts?" she asked.

Luca’s head snapped towards her. "What? No. God, no."

"Then what is it?"

"I just..." He released a heavy breath and looked back at his wife. His eyes softened, but fear remained beneath it. "I’ve been having a bit of trouble for a bit. I didn’t think it would be anytime soon before we would have a child."

Carol nodded slowly, understanding more than Luca had actually said. She was not even sure whether his difficulty was a subject he wanted to discuss with his mother.

So Carol let it go.

For now.

Still, his reaction troubled her.

"You don’t seem very excited about the prospect of a baby," she said carefully.

Luca looked up at her, genuine confusion crossing his face. Of course he was excited.

Wasn’t he?

He had wanted a child with Veronica. He had imagined a little girl with Vee’s eyes and temper, perhaps, or a boy just as arrogant as himself.

"Luca..." Carol studied him. "It doesn’t excite you."

His brows drew together. "Why wouldn’t it?"

"First, your face tells me it doesn’t."

"I’ve been awake for five days. Cut me some slack."

"Second," she continued, ignoring him, "you seem angrier at the news."

"I am not angry."

Carol gave him a pointed look. Luca shifted in the chair and turned towards Veronica instead.

"I don’t know what you are talking about," he said.

"This should be happy news."

"It is."

"But you are afraid to let it be."

Carol’s chest ached at the sight of him. He was not rejecting the baby. He was protecting himself from loving it too soon.

Hope had betrayed him once.

Carol lowered her voice. "Luca, how did you deal with the passing of your first baby?"

"How does anyone deal with something like that?" Luca asked with a shrug.

"Did you talk about it? Did you address what happened? Or did you bury it beneath everything else you insist on carrying alone?"

"I’m not sure how you address losing a child, Ma," he said quietly. "How do I talk about how much it hurts to lose someone I didn’t even get to meet?" He remembered the plans they had barely allowed themselves to make. The shape of a future that had existed for only a short while before it vanished, he had failed to protect someone who had never even taken a breath.

"How does that work?" he asked.

"When did your problem start? The one you mentioned earlier?"

"I..." He hesitated. "Around the time Matteo was born. Vee suddenly caught baby fever and..." He swallowed. "She wanted to try again." His head snapped towards his mother as understanding began to creep into his face. "I... I just couldn’t. The doctors said it was my body breaking down," he added quickly.

He looked towards Veronica again. What if his body had not simply failed him? What if some buried part of him had remembered the loss? What if fear had settled so deeply inside him that his body had protected him from the possibility of experiencing it again? His mother did not need to say it.

The thought had already taken root.

"No," Luca whispered. He shook his head, arguing against the possibility. "The doctors said it was physical." He turned sharply towards his mother. "I didn’t choose this. I would never... I want a child with her. I have always wanted a child with her. There is no way I would have..."

"Luca," Carol said softly, "you have an amazing wife. A wife who has proven, time and time again, that she is all in. Every little bit of happiness you get, treasure it. Hold it with both hands. Because in this life, those moments are few and far between. Deal with your losses...Talk about them. Write them down if you cannot say the words aloud. But do not use them as an excuse to seal yourself away from being hurt."

Luca swallowed. His mother’s words moved through him, they were true. He stared at Veronica’s face and let memory come, though he wanted to slam a door on it.

Yes, he had suffered two losses back to back.

Nonnina first.

The woman who had raised him with a love so fierce, everyone bowed to it. Then, barely twenty-four hours later, their baby.

A life so small yet large enough to leave a grave inside him. He had never truly spoken about it. He had buried the grief under vengeance.

Carol bent and kissed the top of his head. "I am going to check on Marco...Think about what I said. And try to work on your good-news face before your wife wakes up." She squeezed his shoulder once before walking out.

Luca leaned forward and rested his head on the edge of the bed, still holding on to Vee’s fingers.

*****

Massimo had just arrived from Enzo’s place. He had gone himself because some duties could not be passed to lesser men. Delivering Graziella’s body to her husband was one of them. He didn’t know much yet but he did tell Enzo the little he knew.

It was hard to look at his friend and tell him that his own son had killed his mother. How did a father take news like that?

Enzo had simply looked at Graziella’s body. He did not even ask where David was. Perhaps he already knew it was an answer Massimo would not give him.

The man looked as done as Massimo felt. They were too old to continue this way. By the time Massimo returned to the mansion, Carol met him with news that stopped him in the corridor.

Veronica was pregnant. It was a miracle. It was news they all needed. A small, impossible light in the middle of all their ruin.

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