Raising Seo Yuseong was really not easy.
When Seo Yuseong was young, he would frequently act on impulse and disregard promises or rules without hesitation. I remember that if I let my guard down for even a moment, something would always go wrong.
“Haha! Hyung, you’re really overreacting? It’s not like he’s going to go around beating people up.”
“Well, it’s not entirely impossible. Even when he was little, there was a time when I let my guard down for a moment, and he tried to smash the head of a neighborhood thug who had messed with him with a brick…….”
The Prism members brushed off those words like a joke, either out of consideration for me or because they had accepted Seo Yuseong as a teammate. But in truth, they must have all noticed it; that Seo Yuseong had an inherent abnormality that made getting close to him anything but beneficial.
‘They’re sharp guys, after all.’
“Hyung, are you sad?”
It was impossible not to notice.
Seo Yuseong was born slightly different from ordinary people.
Watching Seo Yuseong repeatedly face rejection from various situations and people sometimes pained me, and at times, it filled me with despair. But I couldn’t give up.
No matter what happened, I would love Seo Yuseong, and though he was really clumsy at it, he loved me too. That was enough for me. No matter what hardships came our way, I was confident that I would stay by his side until the end.
But other people were different.
Those who didn’t love Seo Yuseong had no need to understand him, nor were they obligated to. I knew that well, which was why I had no choice but to be even more careful in educating him so that he wouldn’t do something irreversible.
Basic statements like, “That kind of behavior isn’t right” or “You shouldn’t hurt your friends” simply didn’t get through to Seo Yuseong. That was because concepts like right and wrong or the pain of others were entirely outside the scope of his interests. Because of that, I once said this to him.
“You probably think the rules I’m teaching you now are frustrating and irrational stubbornness, right?”
“But the reality is different. Following social norms isn’t foolish, it’s wise.”
People are wiser than you think.
Some of them will easily see through the immorality and selfishness within you, and the more you try to gain benefits from it, the more thoroughly you will be rejected by others.
“You probably know yourself that if you only act as you please, eventually bad consequences will come your way, whether it’s going to jail, losing your job, or being completely isolated from others.”
And that will ultimately mean isolation from society. If that happens, you won’t be able to benefit from the conveniences provided by the rules that society has built through countless years of mutualcoexistence and solidarity.
Would you really consider that a rational choice?
“From now on, you have to learn how to live among people as a member of this society, for your own sake. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
At those words, Seo Yuseong nodded. He had always been unusually obedient in front of me since he was young, so I still didn’t know for sure if he genuinely understood and accepted the intent and meaning of my words.
But regardless of his true feelings, Seo Yuseong seemed to try to be more careful with his words and actions after that. think I felt a deep sense of relief seeing his effort. And I desperately tried to set an example for Seo Yuseong by keeping the words I had spoken and staying true to them.
To be completely honest, part of me was also afraid that Seo Yuseong, who had been so blindly obedient to me, might take the wrong actions ‘for my sake’ if I didn’t do so.
“When, when did I ever ask you to do something like this! Do you have any idea how horrible the thing you’ve just done is?”
Just like what Choi Jeokhyeon had done for me.
“Hyung, I heard you haven’t been in touch with Choi Jeokhyeon lately. Is it because of that journalist?”
“…Yeah. I don’t think it’s right for him to do something like that because of me. So, I’m trying to keep my distance for now. If I keep acting like everything’s fine and stay by his side, he’ll think it’s okay.”
“…Is that so?”
I had to hold myself to a stricter standard than others, and I had to make it clear that the outcomes gained from actions that went against the interests of society could not make me happy.
I didn’t care even if there were people who cursed and pointed fingers at me for being frustrating. This was part of my inherent identity and the way of life I had chosen.
From the moment I decided to love the existence of Seo Yuseong, I believed that even if something terribly painful happened that could shake this conviction, I shouldn’t give in until the very end.
“Accident?”
“They said it was a serious accident. He injured his spine badly, so from now on, he’ll probably…….”
With respect for law and justice.
“Can’t you decide something like this on your own? You’re past the age to be acting like a child.”
“I’ll do my best! I really won’t disappoint you!”
Without forgetting the nobility of humanity.
As a member of this society, I must live a life that I wouldn’t be ashamed to show Seo Yuseong.
‘…Spinal cord injury?’
But look at me now.
When I came to my senses, I found myself far removed from the person I had hoped to be.
Even in my hazy state of mind, I couldn’t deny that I had crossed a point of no return. It felt as if sinister blades had pierced through the surface of my very existence.
Why in the world did I make this choice?
“Kang Hyukwoo’s business? They just turn a blind eye to it. Quite a few high-ranking figures are among his clients, so it’s obvious that no investigation or trial will be done properly. He even has insiders feeding him information. By the time anyone raids that place, all the evidence will already be gone. Stop while you can, getting involved could land you in serious trouble.”
“Do you really think there’s only a handful of people in this industry who commit crimes everyone in the country knows about, then come back to make money off idols like nothing ever happened? In the end, as long as they put out something attractive, people will still eat it up.”
Was it because I was ultimately betrayed by the law and justice I had believed in?
“Yuseong-hyung passed away a few years ago, in an accident!”
Was it because one of the reasons I had to live a righteous life is no longer in this world?
[The system persona wishes for SEO YUTAE’s death.]
Was it because I didn’t know how much longer I could stay in this body?
“…….”
I shook my head frantically, struggling to control the chain of thoughts that were endlessly spiraling.
I know.
Desperately trying to find a reason for someone’s actions was an attempt to understand them, but trying to justify wrongful actions by attaching your own logic to them was no different from rationalization.
“…Seungbeom-ssi?”
This was both a defense mechanism that humans instinctively adopted in the face of unbearable pain and anxiety, and a despicable excuse for trampling on someone else’s rights just to save oneself.
‘Are people inherently this hypocritical?’
I could feel my brain struggling with all its might, as if it were being chased by a ferocious beast. It came up with a long list of reasons, all meant to justify my actions to myself and grant me absolution.
It seemed like I did it because I wanted to live.
To keep my weakness from being the thing that killed me.
‘…I want to live?’
The moment I became aware of it, all my thoughts came to an abrupt halt.
“…….”
I felt nauseous.
I immediately shook off Jay’s arm, rushed into the bathroom, and bent over the toilet, vomiting everything inside me. Nausea churned in my stomach, like I was on a boat in the middle of a stormy ocean.
“Heuk, urgh … blegh!”
I didn’t have time to care whether or not there was anyone else around.
After vomiting for quite a while, I quietly watched as the tears that had welled up from the physical strain dripped onto the water below, and then I let out a mocking laugh.
‘It’s not people who are hypocritical, it’s me.’
It was because I realized just how cowardly my thoughts had been just moments ago.
In an attempt to avoid guilt, I had masked my own immorality as a common flaw of the majority and belittled the very community I had been part of. There was no greater hypocrisy than that.
‘Have I already forgotten why I didn’t sympathize with Dalli?’
Everything had a cause and effect, and everyone had a reason behind their actions. What mattered was not pretending those circumstances didn’t exist, but rather looking at the choices that were made despite them.
I’m not the only one having a hard time.
Everyone had their own hardships, but they fought fiercely against themselves to avoid heading down the wrong path.
Take Han Seungbeom, for example. Despite growing up in the same environment as Dalli, he chose a different path. That child endured to the end, never once resorting to harming his family through wrongful means. Unlike me. Therefore, my rationalization did nothing but undermine the efforts and dignity of people like Han Seungbeom.
“Keugh, ugh…….”
In the end, I was not someone being chased by a beast, but merely a wretched creature that hunted and wounded others. So, there was no longer any need for me to insist that I still possessed human emotions and belonged among them, just as there was no point in justifying myself any further.
Because it was nothing but hypocrisy.
‘…They said there’s a high possibility that he won’t be able to walk again.’
Stop thinking.
Take full responsibility for what you have done.
No matter what I felt, it wouldn’t change what had already happened.
“…….”
But no matter how much I tried to think that way in my head, my body seemed unwilling to listen. I felt my vision spinning more and more severely.
As I squeezed my eyes shut and took deep, shaky breaths, the bathroom door creaked open with a loud squeak, and I sensed someone’s presence behind me.
“Hyung.”
I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.
It was Jay’s voice.
He must have followed me out of concern, since I had abruptly shoved him away and rushed off, as if I was about to make a mess on the hallway floor. I immediately closed the toilet lid, flushed the handle, and pushed myself upright.
‘…It’s happening again.’
Up until a moment ago, even breathing in made my stomach churn, yet, strangely enough, the nausea disappeared the moment Jay walked in. I could feel my body returning to normal.
Since the physical abnormalities had stemmed from psychological reasons, did that mean they could just as easily vanish for psychological reasons as well? I wasn’t sure. The only thing I knew was that both my mind and body had entered a state of extreme tension.
‘Since he called me hyung, it seems like there’s no one else in the restroom besides us. That’s a relief.’
“Just wait outside for a moment. I’ll clean up and be out in a bit.”
I spoke to Jay in the same tone as usual, then lowered my head and headed straight for the sink.
I needed to wash this dirty mess off my face as quickly as possible.
“…….”
But despite hearing my instructions, Jay didn’t leave the restroom. Instead, he stood silently behind me while I rinsed my mouth. Sensing his presence, I quickly wiped my face with the hand towel and turned around in haste, only to meet his cold, lifeless eyes staring directly at me.
“I told you to wait outside.”
“…….”
I turned off the faucet and repeated my words, but Jay just stared down at me without moving. Something about his reaction felt strange.
“…Yoo Jay.”
“When and where did you make contact?”
As soon as I called out his name, he blurted out something completely out of context.
“I asked when and where you made contact with him.”
I looked up at Jay with slightly trembling eyes, but he just held onto my arm and repeatedly asked in a calm, low voice. That question was clearly an attempt to dig into the connection between Dalli and me.
‘…Damn it.’
I was flustered. How in the world could he possibly conclude that I must have had contact with Dalli in such a short amount of time?
“…….”
The longer I remained silent, the stronger I felt the grip on my arm tighten. As I just clenched my teeth, Jay tilted his head down to meet my eyes. Then, he smiled faintly and spoke.
“It’s okay. You were with me that day, hyung. Right?”
“…What?”
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Translator’s Corner:
I was supposed to update Newbie Star today, but I’m sad today, so I’m not in the mood for happiness … so here we go ….
“Do you really think there’s only a handful of people in this industry who commit crimes everyone in the country knows about, then come back to make money off idols like nothing ever happened?” hard truth but this is really true in kpop industry. You would be surprised if you know how many of entertainment company’s executives have criminal records list …. it’s not only big agency, even mid and small agency have questionable people ….. even though they got caught for minor abuse, they still roam free in the industry …
Lately I was following the One Hundred vs SM case, and I was shocked because one of the key figures in One Hundred is the same person who got sued by Kang Daniel for signing him off to a contract he didn’t consent to and basically personally profited off it ?? LIKE, WHY DID HE STILL HAVE A SHINING CAREER ??? (but also, MC Mong is another criminal too … sighs). I have no doubt SM is abusing their power, but it’s really funny watching the attack revolved around sabotaging artist when Daniel also got blacklisted by the whole media, not just music shows, during the peak of his career because of that man … but now they’re trying to act like saints fighting against a tyrant T_T This is really the case of the pot calling the kettle black … I feel bad for the artists who got caught with the huge payment term, but now have to get dragged into petty beef between old people ….
Anyway, someone in the previous chapter informed me that other idol novels got hunted just yesterday T_T I checked and it’s true … I’M SCARED … I really should start on working on that file backup ,,…. and prepare my mental ….. a lot of people mentioned ways to avoid getting translation stolen in the previous chapter too, but the thing is, you need plugin for it and only wordpress premium (or whatever they called it) can use plugin … I’m pretty cautious about making this blog escape the free wordpress status since it can get witch hunted without warning (happened to friends) asdfghjkl
But anyway, since we’ve come to an emergency … please pray for the safety of this blog and please just gatekeep T_T I’m not ready to get burned at stake yet
Okay now I will go make another mirror blog ….. people who have long to-be-read in their list, just read whatever novels you want to read out there …. you will never know when will it suddenly gone ….
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