“Then die.”
The hushed voice echoed through the deathly silent living room. At that, Han Jaewoon’s family froze in place, unable to react for quite some time. I looked down at them quietly, then brushed away the hand I’d been holding and continued.
“Even if one of you dies, nothing’s going to change.”
It was only then that Han Jaewoon’s mother snapped out of it. With a bewildered expression, she looked at her husband and asked, “Honey, what did he just say?”
“Uh, well, I don’t think I heard it right either.”
The reason she bothered to ask her husband in this situation was likely because she wanted him to step forward and reprimand me. But Han Jaewoon’s father—a coward who always, subtly, put himself first—sensed her intention, yet skillfully avoided it all the same.
Frustrated by his answer, Han Jaewoon’s mother stamped her feet and appealed to her husband for a second time.
“Your son just told me to die!”
One moment, she insisted I had to help because we were family, and now, I was suddenly just someone else’s son. Since she couldn’t handle me, who was completely different from the obedient Han Seungbeom, she was passing the responsibility for this situation onto her husband, who was connected to me by blood.
But Han Jaewoon’s father, showing no intention of complying with her wishes, once again evaded the situation with a nonsensical response. Realizing at last that his behavior had been intentional, Han Jaewoon’s mother, her mouth slightly open, let out a forced laugh.
“You’re unbelievable!”
Her face was marked by clear betrayal as she continued to glare at Han Jaewoon’s father, but he didn’t spare his wife a single glance. Having already clashed with me multiple times and realizing that the current me was beyond what he could handle, he wanted to avoid any further confrontation with me at all costs.
“…….”
He looked rather pathetic, stiff and tense, clearly watching everyone’s reactions, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed hard. Han Jaewoon’s mother, on the other hand, seemed to hold her tongue, probably because she knew that arguing with her husband in this situation would do her no good.
As I stood there watching them, my heart seemed to grow colder and colder. I thought I couldn’t be any more disappointed in them, but it was surprising that they still managed to sink to a new low.
In the end, I closed my eyes for a long moment and exhaled slowly.
‘…That’s enough.’
And then, I made up my mind.
“I couldn’t care less if all three of you die, so handle it yourselves. I know full well you don’t actually intend to die anyway.”
“What, what did you say?”
“People who truly want to die don’t make that kind of face. It’s usually the ones who are desperate to stay alive, even if it means they have to stomp on the lives of others, who say things like that.”
Maybe it would be more fitting to say that I’ve given up.
I tried my best not to touch anything that Han Seungbeom had left behind; the index in the workbook filled with dense explanations, the mechanical pencil with several lead refills inside, and even the name ‘Father’ that was still saved on his phone.
I knew that doing so wouldn’t make things flow back like hitting play on a paused video when Han Seungbeom returned to this body, but how could I possibly dare to carelessly touch what the child I raised like my own had left behind?
In a way, you could call it lingering attachment. It was a feeling not so different from the one that kept me from touching Seo Yuseong’s room even after his death.
“There’s nothing more pathetic than using your own life as a threat. You’re just fooling yourselves into thinking there’s still some kind of relationship between us, when in reality, I’ve lost every bit of affection for you, and now see you as even less than strangers.”
“What are you even saying? How can you say you’ve lost affection for us? What did we ever do wrong! We’ve been holding back, trying to be patient, but now you’re really crossing the line. You used to be so well-behaved, so why are you acting like this lately! Are you going through some delayed rebellious phase?”
“…What did you ever do wrong?”
“Yes!”
“Are you seriously asking because you don’t know? Isn’t Han Jaewoon’s very existence itself your fault right now? A married man had a child with someone else, and as soon as his wife passed away, he brought them all here and moved them in, as if it were some kind of opportunity, without a single proper explanation. Go ahead, stop anyone on the street and ask them if there’s nothing wrong with that story.”
“…….”
“After that, you saw me as a thorn in your side, constantly worrying that something meant for Han Jaewoon might accidentally end up in my mouth. Eventually, you treated me like I was invisible. You must have thought so little of me. Now that you’re in an unfavorable situation, you act as if you’ve forgotten everything you’ve done to me. Suddenly, you have the audacity to say we’re family and ask for my help, as if it’s something you’re entitled to.”
“…That, that’s just because Mom has been so busy taking care of Jaewoon…….”
“Why on earth did you insist on coming to the final live broadcast? I specifically told you not to.”
“We’re family, so of course we have to be there! No matter the circumstances, it’s only proper to congratulate you…….”
“…You showed up there with your son all dolled up, making sure he got on camera one more time, even though when I said I was going to debut as an idol, you opposed it with all your might, worried I’d be a hindrance to Han Jaewoon’s life. And now you’re talking about congratulating me? That’s not what you’re really after. You were just trying to take advantage of my fame to benefit your son in any way possible.”
At the very least, if Han Seungbeom had still regarded him as a father until the very end, I believed I shouldn’t forcibly take that away from him. For that reason, no matter what had happened, I had tried my best to treat his family with a rational attitude up until now.
But that, too, had reached its limits now.
“I don’t even want to know what’s going on in your heads, but it’s clear as day to me, so don’t waste your time scheming in front of me. There’s a limit to how much I can turn a blind eye to.”
My own anger or discomfort didn’t matter in the slightest. What truly mattered was that, from a purely rational standpoint, I concluded Han Seungbeom had to be severed from this toxic, one-sided relationship.
From this moment on, I will fulfill my role as Han Seungbeom’s guardian.
“I don’t want anything more to do with all of you, so please don’t contact me no matter what happens in the future. From this point on, we are just strangers.”
“Then what about Jaewoon! Our Jaewoon is already getting cursed out by everyone and having all his projects canceled just because of that one mistake. Are you really not going to help him?”
“He’s paying the price for what he did, so just accept it with humility. Besides, no matter what he tries, he will never be able to return to the entertainment industry.”
After giving them the notice, I left the house without waiting for their response, not bothering to look back. And not long after, someone grabbed my shoulder.
“Seungbeom-ah!”
Han Jaewoon’s father had run out to chase after me.
As soon as I faced that face, I openly frowned and roughly brushed off the hand on my shoulder. My blatant expression of disgust seemed to take him aback, and he took a hesitant step or two back.
“…Did you not understand the meaning of what I just said?”
“No, I understand. In short, you were upset with us, right? Now that we know your feelings, can’t we just try to understand each other and work things out? You don’t need to take things this far. No. Actually, if you really can’t stand it, you don’t have to contact Mom or Jaewoon. But you should at least stay in touch with Dad.”
“…….”
“I think you might be misunderstanding things a bit. Dad really did love you. I still do, and I always will. I just couldn’t express it in front of you because I was worried about Mom’s reaction. So, Seungbeom, please try to understand.”
Hearing that single phrase, ‘I did love you‘, spoken without any guilt, I felt my mind go blank in an instant.
If I hadn’t read Han Seungbeom’s diary, if I hadn’t seen the way Han Jaewoon’s family treated ‘Han Seungbeom‘ with my own eyes, I might have been shaken at least a little by those words.
Nevertheless, considering he was Han Seungbeom’s biological father, I might have held back, reminding myself of that fact.
But I knew about Han Seungbeom’s past, the love he didn’t receive, and the loneliness that was born from it.
I knew the sadness of giving up on being loved for who you truly were, and in the end, having to run away and find solace in the arms of a complete stranger.
“…Love?”
Rage so immense that I couldn’t even contain it surged through me like a tsunami, violently clawing at my body. Caught in the whirlpool of intense emotions, my stomach churned with nausea, and my fingertips trembled uncontrollably.
It was a hatred so vivid that I felt it would be fine if my body, crashing against the waves, slowly shattered and disappeared.
“How dare you speak of love?”
The composed voice I had been desperately trying to keep steady until just now began to crack and distort strangely. My eyes ached as if they were about to pop out, and my ragged breaths felt heavy.
“You should’ve … you should’ve just kept your mouth shut to the end.”
Those damned excuses, excuses, excuses. How could he so easily destroy everything I’ve built up? If he had just left without saying anything, even if I was rotting inside, I could have finished things quietly with my outward appearance remained clean. But why was it that every time I took a step back, he grew greedier and tried to take another step forward? Why did he always have to reach out, trying to grab one more thing, and claw at my heart like this?
“Do you really think that now, just by throwing out the words ‘I love you’ like tossing a snack, you can be forgiven for everything? That child was withering away all this time, starving for just that single phrase of love!”
Why on earth does he keep turning Han Seungbeom into such a pitiful child?
‘Do you not want to become a bad person that badly? To the point of hurting Han Seungbeom even more?’
My heart felt like it was not just rotting, but completely decaying.
It felt like, just with that single phrase, ‘I love you‘, Han Seungbeom would have forgiven everything he had done, as if that alone would have been enough………….
“How dare you utter the words ‘I love you‘ when you still haven’t figured out what in the world has changed?”
“…Changed?”
And yet, the Han Seungbeom who could forgive him has disappeared without a trace, which made it all the more painful.
A bright, blinding light flashed in my vision. I squeezed my eyes shut, pressing my hand against my knee. Barely keeping my constantly sagging upper body upright, I tried with all my might to steady my breath, which was rattling like the sound of metal.
Not until the cold sweat, which had trickled down my jawline, was about to fall from my chin did I manage to get my breathing under control, and only then did I curse him with a voice that was horribly cracked.
“Ugh, don’t you ever pretend to be a father to me again ……. You have no right to. You are the cause of all of this, and that fact will never change, no matter what you do from now on. Hah, you will never be forgiven. You’ll spend the rest of your life wallowing in guilt … I will never forgive what you’ve done, not even until the day I die.”
Then, Han Jaewoon’s father finally tore off the mask he had been wearing all along and glared down at me with wide, furious eyes. Even after clearly seeing the abnormal state of Han Seungbeom’s body with his own eyes, he didn’t look the least bit panicked. He simply turned around and walked back to his house.
The instant suspicion about his reaction crossed my mind, my heart gave a strange jolt, and a cold, sharp pain began to spread through my chest. It was the clearest of all the physical symptoms I had vaguely experienced until now.
And before I could even control it, tears started flowing from my eyes.
The moment I experienced it, I felt it in my gut.
Stamina that never improved no matter how hard I exercised, a body that was extremely sensitive to stress, constant chest pain and dizziness, and frequent fainting spells.
All of those were chronic issues of this body.
“…Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”
With one arm around Han Seungbeom’s shoulder, I mumbled those words, and slowly, my body gave in and the ground seemed to get closer and closer. I lost my senses for a moment, then slowly lifted my head. At that moment, I saw Choi Jeokhyeon, who had parked his car nearby and was watching the situation, shouting something and rushing toward me in a hurry.
‘Ah, thank goodness.’
Relieved, I closed my eyes, and the text from the status window appeared in my darkened field of vision.
[The system has detected an abnormality in the body of the Consideration Target. Starting recovery.]
And then, words from someone, completely different from the system’s stiff tone, appeared.
[It's okay. Mom will protect my son so that you won't get sick.]
[If it means Seungbeom can live a healthy and happy life, Mom can do anything.]
[I'm sorry I couldn't bring you into this world healthier.]
The last thing I registered was the feeling of a hand supporting my shoulder, and then I completely lost consciousness.
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Translator’s Corner:
Last one is more like “I’m sorry I couldn’t give birth to you healthier” but it sounds really awkward
Honestly for the system thing, I wondered if I should translate 배려 as care instead of consideration (since like, he’s receiving special care), but consideration sounds better i guess … Care Target sounds weird …. it just means Han Seungbeom is under special consideration of the system, if you’re wondering
In a perfect world I got isekai-d to this novel, kidnapped baby Han Seungbeom, and dropped him off in front of Seo Yutae’s door ….
Thank you nounousa and nounousa for the (double) lightsticks!
It makes me think if I really should just buy running shoes (suddenly got hit with the fact that I don’t have even walking shoes …. I really never touched physical activities ever since I graduated high school omg … I just realized that I really spent my entire college years only wearing flat shoes or boots??????? crazy when I recall how I used to spend five days a week walking to the bus stop and running to catch my campus’ bus …. you really can do anything when you’re far away from your hometown I guess…….) to keep the illness away by starting a new commitment to morning run, but whenever I think about waking up at 5 AM and running in the cold air …. uh …. should I just learn to skipping rope …. why my 15 years old me didn’t start working out as a hobby …. why the current me must suffer for my teenager self laziness ……
If any of you still a teenager, please start working out from now on …..
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