After my memories returned, I was able to recall what I was like when I wrote that letter more clearly than before.
After Seo Yuseong passed away, I lived a life without purpose.
Looking back, even saying I ‘lived‘ might have been too generous. I had no appetite whatsoever, so I never bothered to feed myself, and despite doing nothing at all, I couldn’t even fall asleep. I suppose you could say I was merely breathing, having abandoned every basic function expected of a human being.
Having already lost the will to live, it was only through Choi Jeokhyeon’s desperate grip on my crumbling body that I was kept alive at all. And yet, when I wrote that letter to the members, I felt more emotions than I thought I still could.
…As I pictured each member’s face one by one, I even found myself unconsciously wanting to live. I, who couldn’t even protect Seo Yuseong, dared to imagine a life together with the members, and that thought brought me happiness.
If we had met somewhere other than Kang Hyukwoo’s company, could we have been a little happier?
If I hadn’t chosen you as members of Prism, if I hadn’t bound you to that place, maybe you could have pursued your dreams more freely.
I feel like my inexperience caused you to go through things you didn’t have to. I should have taken better care of you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t answer when you called so many times. I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you when you came all the way to my door. I’m sorry for leaving you like this … and for failing to protect Seo Yuseong.
.
.
.
I miss you.
But even then, my mind, having been submerged in deep depression for a long time, couldn’t suddenly return to normal. Now that I read it again, I realized the letters contained deep affection, longing, regret, and apology so raw it was almost embarrassing.
The format was a mess, and since I just poured out whatever was in my heart without much order, it was more like a letter than a suicide note, like I said before.
‘There’s not a single proper sentence there. It’s almost like I was trying to announce to everyone that I wasn’t sane.’
If Kang Hyukwoo hadn’t accused Cha Woon of plagiarism and theft, I might never have shown this letter to the Prism members. Those guys were already burdened with too much regret and responsibility over my death.
‘Perhaps it’s actually a good thing that the members weren’t able to see this letter until they had recovered somewhat.’
In truth, my suicide note didn’t explicitly state, “Cha Woon used my song because Kang Hyukwoo threatened him”. Before I died, I had no idea that Cha Woon, just like me, was being blackmailed with Jo Inchan’s video.
I wanted to set you all free, even if just a day sooner. But in the end, I couldn’t rescue you from Kang Hyukwoo’s grasp, not even at my very last moment. Even at this very second, that still weighs heavily on my heart.
But there’s such a thing as the overall nuance of the words, isn’t there?
In the letter, I expressed strong hostility toward Kang Hyukwoo and revealed that Prism had been suffering under his control. Then, as if I knew the full story behind what Cha Woon had done, I wrote words to alleviate his guilt, followed by endless expressions of support for him.
You don’t have to feel guilty. I’m okay.
No one probably has any idea how much weight you’re carrying on your shoulders right now. But no matter how hard things get, no matter how much Kang Hyukwoo tries to pressure or ridicule you, remember this: I’m always on your side. Even if the whole world turns its back on you, I’ll stand by you to the very end.
I knew all too well how much joy you found in songwriting. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you. I hope that someday, you’ll have the chance to be loved for your own songs, freely.
Because of that, anyone who read the letter would inevitably think, ‘Ah, Cha Woon was forced to take Seo Yutae’s songs under Kang Hyukwoo’s coercion, and Seo Yutae knew that, which is why he didn’t blame him‘. And with me already gone from this world, there was no one left to question it.
‘There’s a bit of fabrication, but … if I, the person involved, say it’s fine, then so be it.’
Cha Woon, having read the entire letter, asked how I could possibly not hold even the slightest bit of resentment. I thought about it for a long time, then eventually answered that I didn’t really know either.
If I had to find a reason, I suppose it would be that I loved them so deeply and trusted them so completely that giving them everything I had never felt like a loss. I believed there must be some reason behind it, and even if there wasn’t, I was fine with that too.
That was simply all there was to it.
Don’t worry. You’re already a great leader.
Please take good care of Prism.
The content of the letter was quite long and detailed, but only up to this point was disclosed to the public.
As I mentioned earlier, part of the reason the writing felt chaotic was because it wasn’t written in a normal state of mind, and also because it included the members’ private stories that had nothing to do with the controversy.
I only left behind a single letter, but I don’t know why I have so many lingering regrets … I’m not even in a position to tell you what to do anymore. Please just try to understand me a little. You guys tend to cause so much trouble that I can’t help but worry.
It wasn’t as if I were a father sending his children on errands, yet after Cha Woon, I singled out each of the other members one by one and left them words of advice.
Lee Chise, you should tone down your habit of suddenly approaching random people and acting overly friendly. I’ve told you many times before, but it’s only natural for the staff, who are smaller than us, to feel intimidated … As for music, you’re good enough on your own, so I’m not worried about that. I’m sure you’ll keep making great songs, but it’s a shame I won’t be able to hear them.
^ Keep a close eye on him so he doesn’t push himself too hard. He’s always pretending everything’s fine.
Jo Inchan, make sure to consistently get your knee treatment. Also, be careful not to overwork yourself with too much practice. You might hate me now and not want to listen to me anymore, but I’m truly saying this for your own good. Performing on stage has been your dream since you were little, hasn’t it? Come to think of it, I wonder if your grandmother is doing well. Be sure to visit her often and say hello. I’m sure she misses you a lot.
Jay, make sure you keep going to your hospital appointments and getting your counseling. You’re getting complacent, aren’t you, thinking you’re much better these days? I worry about you because you’re the youngest, and the members tend to coddle you too much. Listen to your hyungs, but don’t doubt yourself. Everything you’ve achieved so far is the result of your own hard work.
I felt like I wanted to question my past self about how on earth I managed to write such embarrassing things. While the members were reading the letter, I felt awkward sitting next to them and tried to quietly slip away, but Nam Yihwon caught me without mercy, and I ended up squished between the members’ arms.
“Why, why are you like this!”
At first, I tried everything I could to get away, but their arms wouldn’t budge. Then I heard the faint sound of someone quietly crying, and with a heavy sigh, I gave up and just ruffled their hair.
That was an attempt to comfort them in my own way.
After spending time with the members like that, under my direction, a portion of the suicide note and Cha Woon’s statement were uploaded to Prism’s official SNS.
[Hello, this is Cha Woon.
First of all, I would like to bow my head and sincerely apologize to our fans and the public who must be disappointed and shocked by the recent unfortunate incident. I feel deeply responsible for not being able to share the truth sooner and for ultimately causing such confusion.
For the sake of Yutae-hyung, who supported me until the very end, I am now going to reveal the full truth regarding the accusations made by Kang Hyukwoo, the Director of Prism’s former agency, RH Entertainment.]
In his statement, Cha Woon clearly clarified that the use of my songs was not by his own will but was done under Kang Hyukwoo’s coercion. He also stated that he had never once considered the songs I wrote to be his own, and that the songs which were not Prism’s title tracks were entirely composed by himself. Finally, he explicitly declared his intention to donate the full amount of the copyright royalties, which have been kept untouched until now in accordance with ‘Seo Yutae’s will’, to a children’s hospital.
Alongside that statement, when the remaining Prism members expressed their unwavering support for Cha Woon, the overheated public sentiment cooled down almost instantly, as if a bucket of cold water had been poured over it.
It seemed less like the public had lost interest and more like they were shocked and appalled by Kang Hyukwoo’s misdeeds.
Or perhaps it was largely because it had become too sensitive a topic to speak on recklessly.
‘Who could possibly bash Cha Woon after reading that suicide note?’
And YT Entertainment didn’t stop there; they followed up by uploading a very short video.
[“…….”]
The awkward angle, visible hand tremors, and the distinct low resolution typical of a phone camera made it clear that the video had been shot by an ordinary person, not a camera director. To top it off, the location wasn’t a professional studio but a messy workspace, which made the video look even more unpolished.
After a loud rustling noise from the hand holding the phone brushing against the mic, the shaky screen was suddenly filled with Lee Chise’s face. With a mischievous smile, he pressed his index finger to his lips, making a soft “Shhh” sound, then whispered to the camera.
[“Cha Woon-hyung and Yutae-hyung pulled an all-nighter working.”]
The camera then showed Cha Woon and me sitting in the studio chairs, talking. It seemed to be around the time we were finishing up work on ‘Domination‘.
Exhausted, Cha Woon lay face down on the table with his eyes closed, then softly spoke up.
[“I really like your songs, hyung. That’s why I want to treasure them.”]
After hearing that, I placed my hand on Cha Woon’s head and replied like this,
[“I know.”]
And that was it, just a 30-second video.
But strangely enough, that trivial video sparked an explosive reaction from the public alongside the will. The voices condemning Cha Woon gradually faded away, and Kang Hyukwoo faced severe public backlash.
‘Perhaps even Seras might feel a bit less wronged now.’
And that wasn’t the only thing I gained from this incident.
I said this before, didn’t I?
When you were constantly attacked by a large, anonymous crowd, you inevitably began to see nothing but cruel words tearing you down, as if trapped in a fog. This wasn’t just true for Cha Woon; it applied to me just as much.
— I cried my eyes out after reading the suicide note. Seo Yutae truly was the leader of Prism to his very last moment
— Seo Yutae loves Prism that much, so who are these people bashing Prism by using Seo Yutae as an excuse? I seriously don’t get it
— I miss you so much, Yutae-ya. Back then, I thought ignoring those Cyber Wreckerswas the best way to quietly get through it, but I still regret it to this day. I wish I had given you at least one more kind word. I wish I had let you know that the words hurting you weren’t all there was to it.
— You protected Prism until the end. It hurts so much that we failed to protect you
— I love you, Yutae-ya.
At last, I’m starting to hear the voices of those who love me.
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Translator’s Corner:
I’m–
but no seriously this is the 100th time I read this chapter and I’M STILL SOBBING ASDFJ,HKJSDZFHGFVJZLKHV the “Back then, I thought ignoring those Cyber Wreckerswas the best way to quietly get through it, but I still regret it to this day. I wish I had given you at least one more kind word. I wish I had let you know that the words hurting you weren’t all there was to it.” hit TOO CLOSE TO HOME I DONT WANT TO BUT I CAN RELATE TO THIS. AUTHOR-NIM WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME, ME TOO, NETIZEN-NIM, I WISH TOO T_T
My song recommendation for this chapter….. because it’s okay to be okay…..
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