Kang Hyukwoo had three options he could take in this situation. The first was to run away with the child. The second was to run away alone. The third was to somehow persuade me to eliminate the crisis altogether.
He chose the last option.
‘If I were him, I would’ve made the same choice.’
The first and second options were far too dangerous. In a situation like this, where he had lost all his backing, it was practically impossible to stay on the run forever while evading both gangsters and the police.
What’s more, if he had a young child like Chaeyul with him, the danger would only increase.
‘There’s no telling whether Chaeyul would even go with Kang Hyukwoo willingly.’
Now that I had refused to cooperate, he had no options left.
I thought Kang Hyukwoo, having lost all hope, might lash out with a knife at any moment, so I stayed on guard against any sudden movements and tried to keep a safe distance.
“…….”
Having been completely abandoned by his last hope, Kang Hyukwoo looked like an empty shell. His eyes, void of any light, and his pale face, devoid of sorrow or anger, felt strangely unfamiliar.
Watching him felt like watching a man on death row standing at the gallows. A strange tightness crept into my chest, and I turned my gaze away in haste. Then, leaving Kang Hyukwoo where he stood, still motionless, I began to walk away.
“I’m going to die because of you.”
“…….”
“At the very least, remember that. Don’t ever forget it for the rest of your life.”
Then came the words that followed me belatedly, like nails driven into the back of my head, cursing me.
As I walked away with long strides, pretending not to hear him, a voice so faint it seemed ready to disappear reached me.
“…I can’t bear to see Chaeyul die.”
It was the last thing I expected to hear.
Saying he didn’t want his son to die in a situation like this was no different from saying he was willing to die himself.
Paralyzed by shock, I froze stiff on the spot, but Kang Hyukwoo didn’t seem to notice my reaction at all. He just stared into empty air and muttered in a dazed, hollow voice.
“It’s just, the thought of that child dying makes me feel strangely lost…….”
”…….“
“If I had just kept living the way I always had … if I’d stayed alone, if I’d never known what it felt like to have a child, would things have been better? … I don’t know. What on earth was I even trying to accomplish?”
The moment I heard those words, my legs moved on instinct as if I were running away, and I almost threw myself into Choi Jeokhyeon’s car.
My head felt like it was going to explode.
“Hah, haah…….”
Chaeyul was fast asleep in the car, his small body curled up.
It was far too late for a child to be awake, so it was only natural. Besides, even if he had been awake, there would’ve been nothing he could do, so maybe it was better this way.
‘Maybe you’ll come to resent me one day.’
A child’s heart was something I could never fully understand.
In any case, since that child and I stood on opposite sides in this situation, I didn’t think I could ever truly understand him. To believe I could would’ve been arrogance, and to hope for it would’ve been self-deception.
When the child actually hears that his father has died, there’s a high chance he’ll be deeply hurt. After all, death is always shocking, even when it’s someone unrelated to you.
“Please don’t panic, and answer calmly, Yutae-ssi.”
“…….”
“What was the exact time you last saw your father?”
Whether the relationship was good or bad, whether you loved them or hated them, hearing that someone you spent so much time with had died so suddenly would leave a cold, hollow feeling in your chest. Even knowing that death couldn’t be undone, you would still be overcome by a vague, uneasy feeling, as if you had committed a grave mistake without realizing it.
If it was someone you loved dearly, that sensation would soon be swept away by deep sorrow. But in the opposite case, the more you hated that person, the stronger the strange sense of uneasiness and guilt would grow. There was this vague, pressing weight that made it feel as if their death were somehow your fault.
When I thought back to my father’s funeral, I think I was afraid. I was afraid I might feel a sense of relief. And if I ever said that out loud, I was certain it would make me an irredeemable villain, so I never did.
Even though I already knew all the emotions Kim Chaeyul would eventually come to feel, I made no move to rein them in.
“Do you have the day off tomorrow? You’re almost done with your comeback promotions, right?”
“Nope. I’ll be busy now since we’re preparing for the final concert. I have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, so I’ll need to head to the company.”
“In that case, get some rest, have a meal, and then head over.”
“Mm-hm.”
While talking with Choi Jeokhyeon, I absentmindedly played with the child’s curly black hair, twirling it between my fingers. Before long, I pulled my hand away. I avoided Choi Jeokhyeon’s persistent gaze, doing my best not to meet his eyes in the rearview mirror.
Then, a gentle voice came from the driver’s seat.
“Are you okay?”
How could a single sentence feel so heavy? I couldn’t answer right away. I simply kept my mouth shut.
I felt a restless urge to explain something—anything—but I knew that once I began, the words would come rushing out without end. So I kept my mouth shut and deliberately turned my head to face the window.
I knew Choi Jeokhyeon was watching my expression, so I did my best to keep my face as neutral as usual. I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
No, actually, there was no need to force a pretense.
“Being able to see your misery with my own eyes … I’m truly happy.”
Because I’m supposed to be the one who’s happiest in this moment.
I kept blinking at steady interval, constantly recalling the words I had confidently said in front of Kang Hyukwoo, as if brainwashing myself. It had already been quite a while since Choi Jeokhyeon asked his question. I knew I had to answer something. But the moment I finally managed to part my lips, my breath caught, as if a tightly stretched cord had suddenly snapped.
‘…Damn it.’
Once my breathing had collapsed, getting it back to normal was anything but easy.
I didn’t like the way a crease formed between my brows against my will. I hated how my breath kept growing heavier unless I clenched my teeth. I couldn’t stand my eyes either, as they felt like they’d give away my agitation unless I kept blinking over and over.
I turned my head even farther to the side so Choi Jeokhyeon wouldn’t be able to see my face from where he was sitting.
Kang Hyukwoo—the one person I least wanted to see me like this—wasn’t here, but even so, I was well aware of how pathetic I must have looked to anyone watching.
I gave up trying to keep up my usual demeanor and bent forward, clutching my head in my hands.
“…Don’t ask.”
“……”
“Don’t ask me anything…….”
Kang Hyukwoo’s last expression, and those words that felt like a curse, lingered in my mind and wouldn’t fade.
“I’m going to die because of you.”
“At the very least, remember that. Don’t ever forget it for the rest of your life.”
Even if I went back to that moment now, I know I’d make the same choice all over again, so I don’t understand why I’m feeling something this pointless. I just wanted to feel relieved, satisfied. But reality wouldn’t let me.
Why did Kang Hyukwoo accept death so quietly?
Wasn’t he the kind of man who would drag others down by the ankles just to claw his way up from the depths of hell? I still didn’t understand why, in the end, he didn’t threaten me. He simply stood there, staring in the direction of his son.
“It’s just, the thought of that child dying makes me feel strangely lost…….”
Was it to protect his son?
A hollow laugh escaped me at the answer that naturally came to mind.
‘Don’t make me laugh…….’
I didn’t want to see Kang Hyukwoo’s human side.
I didn’t want to believe he was someone capable of love, someone who could give up his life for another. So what if that made it easier to take my revenge? I still didn’t want to know.
It might have something to do with the fact that there’s clearly less guilt in stabbing a monster that deserved to be taken down than in strangling a human who once tormented me.
I wasn’t curious about Kang Hyukwoo as a human. He was never someone worth the effort of understanding.
‘You’re really tormenting me to the very end.’
I know.
Not all love in the world was noble. There were parents who beat their children worse than dogs, yet when those same children got into accidents outside, they came running, breathless, to the emergency room. How could anyone begin to explain a contradiction like that?
Kang Hyukwoo’s love was undeniably toxic. It was a selfish, twisted kind of love; one that hurt the very person he claimed to cherish and, in the end, placed himself above all else at every turn.
‘And yet, that still gets to be called love…….’
It was so repulsive it gave me chills.
“…….”
Choi Jeokhyeon said nothing as he watched me in distress.
The car he was driving was eerily quiet. My nerves that had been on edge began to ease just a little, and a wave of exhaustion hit me. As the tension finally let go, my body started to tremble.
“Are you cold?”
I didn’t respond and simply kept my eyes closed. Then came the soft click of a button, and warm air began to flow from the heater. I tried to force my heavy eyelids open, but a low voice echoed before I could.
“Alright. I’ll drive slowly.”
***
I dozed off for a moment, but it didn’t last long.
It was clear that my exhaustion had reached its limit, but I still couldn’t fall into a deep sleep. On the way to Choi Jeokhyeon’s house, all I did was blink, but because my mind was so preoccupied, time seemed to pass quickly. It really did feel like it passed in the blink of an eye.
While I was blankly staring at Choi Jeokhyeon’s house through the window, I noticed a strange man standing in front of the gate.
‘Who on earth would be here at this hour…….’
The residential area where Choi Jeokhyeon lived was far from ordinary, and the neighbors hardly ever saw one another. The houses were spaced far apart, and with most of the residents being wealthy and influential, the area had a distinctly closed-off atmosphere.
“…Who is it?”
“I think it’s Yoo Jay.”
When I asked Choi Jeokhyeon, who had the better view from the driver’s seat, he gave an answer I didn’t expect, delivered in a rather nonchalant tone.
‘Jay?’
I craned my neck to get a better look at the man’s face, which had come a bit closer in the meantime, and it was indeed Jay.
Just how long had he been standing there? A thick pile of cigarette ash lay scattered near the streetlamp.
“Wait, please stop the car.”
The moment our car drew near, that guy snapped his head up. As soon as he spotted my face through the tinted window, he grabbed the door handle and tried to open it. Of course, the door stayed shut. It hadn’t been unlocked.
If you thought about it rationally, a locked door wasn’t going to open no matter how many times he tried, yet Jay kept pulling at the handle as if he were trying to rip it off.
‘…Is he angry?’
Startled, I hurriedly opened the car door to stop Jay, but before my feet even touched the ground, he grabbed my arm and abruptly pulled me out. My body, already worn down with exhaustion, staggered from the force, but I didn’t fall. His hand clamped down on my shoulder, holding me in place with such strength it felt like he might crush it.
“What’s gotten into you all of a sudden?!”
Alarmed by Jay’s violent behavior, I snapped at him. In that instant, his fierce eyes widened. He glared at the sleeping child in the back seat as if he were about to tear him to shreds, then turned his gaze back to me.
“Who’s that child?”
“…….”
“Don’t tell me he’s someone Kang Hyukwoo loves.”
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Translator’s Corner:
I’m not going to address Yutae’s mental health this time, so I’m going to talk about something unrelated
If you active on twitter, you definitely saw the fan translation discourse that happened since two days ago after a pretty famous BL author, right? Well, I personally don’t like that author-nim, but I understand where they were coming from, but that’s not what I’m going to focus….. (But btw, please be kinder to the artist asdfghjkl I don’t like their tone either, but manhwa industry is really an … exploitative industry? Manhwa artists are overworked, and korean publishers are shitty. You know, just like idols, manhwa artist is not considered workers according to Korea Labor Law. They’re not protected by labor laws. Considering it’s the same case with idols, I think something is really wrong about that country’s view on creative industry….)
Okay, the thing is, that whole discourse that attracted 10k+ (or was it 20k?) audience happened because someone shared a screenshot of fan translation on their account that has 17k followers(even this blog only has around 800 followes btw. And I’m already suffering hair loss). Like guys. there’s a reason why every fan translators have DO NOT SHARE rules stated. Especially for manhwa, they added that do not share panel in every chapters. We know not everyone have the means to read the legal chapters (I mean, we’re here after all), but if you want to continue read the definitely-not-official thing in peace, please learn to just keep quiet …. Every witch hunt started because people stupidly talked about it on open social media like Twitter, Tiktok, etc. Recently there’s a big name tl group that announced they got legal letters, and if you tracked down one of the cause, some people are talking about that tl group on the publisher’s official discord (I wish I was joking but I wasn’t)
Like, can you imagine … I thought this is common sense, but I guess many readers today are teenagers who know nothing about fan community etiquette … which was puzzling because I started reading k-novels when I was in 15 years old too (or maybe 14?), but I never acted like that….. also for every teenager readers, please be mindful about reading 18+ (seriously, if we’re talking about the BL realm, everything is 21+) works. The 18+ label is there for a reason. I’m not going to say you can’t read it, I wasn’t that lawful when I was in my teenager era too, but please just … don’t talk about it openly? T_T I’m seriously shocked because … did none of those 17k followers try to tell a child that maybe they shouldn’t publicly reading a work that contained so many messed up adults things and especially r*pe ????? Minor oomfs, you’re not even supposed to read that, why are you tweeting about it? T_T Like, seriously you guys. If you can, please just read things that suitable for your age. You would regret it if you don’t. I know adult things look cooler etc, but it will be harmful to your mental health in long run. I wrote essays in college about this kind of thing, so I knew best T_T
This is also why aside from reposting, I also don’t allow people to re-translate my translations. I want my translations just to be in this blog, because here, I can control the readers to some extent. For example, I can lecture new readers who know nothing about this … Reposters won’t even do that. If you want to openly talk about this novel fan-translation, just do it in private account, or in your friend’s DM. Please stay far away from Tiktok especially…….
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