[YOO JAY’S POV]
When I searched through my blurred memories, I could faintly recall Cha Woon-hyung, screaming something that was almost a shriek, telling me to pull myself together.
When I replayed that scene over and over in my head, guilt always came first, but in the end, what remained was a sense of wrongness. He felt so different from Yutae-hyung, who had always been the one to fix things whenever something went wrong with the members.
If the one there had been Yutae-hyung, he would have called an ambulance first and then immediately asked me where it hurt. And in his calm voice, he would have kept whispering things like, “You’ll be okay” and, “Just hang in there a little longer.”
Seo Yutae was always like that.
Whenever something suddenly went wrong with a member’s health, he, too, must have been startled and nearly out of his mind with anxiety. Yet he never showed a single sign of it, afraid it might make us anxious. But once the most urgent fire was out, the tension would leave him, and his hands would tremble all over
Sometimes I found myself thinking he was truly a dishonest person, but then it struck me that maybe that was the secret to his strength. After all, everyone has a weak inner self buried deep inside, and perhaps the less honest someone is, the better they are at hiding it.
And then, belatedly, I realized my mistake.
It was because the question suddenly dawned on me: all this time, haven’t I only ever shown Hyung the side of me that was the exact opposite?
‘Is that the difference between me and Lee Saehwa?’
At times, I probably wasn’t the only one who couldn’t understand my hyung’s decisions. Lee Saehwa must have felt the same. Maybe the two of them had their own conflicts behind the scenes, but as far as I could see, Lee Saehwa never seemed to argue with Hyung the way I did, especially over matters that weren’t directly tied to Hyung’s life, like issues involving Kang Hyukwoo’s son.
‘Even this time, Lee Saehwa just seemed to respect Hyung’s choice…….’
I don’t know what the right answer is.
My hyung’s choices had always been self-destructive, and even without them, his life was already full of injustices and despair he had never chosen for himself. Even if he was the Seo Yutae, he was still human. If he kept wearing himself down like that, he would inevitably burn out one day. So, was it really okay for me to just stand by and let that happen?
If only I could see the answer, I’d know whether Lee Saehwa’s choice was right or mine was.
But life doesn’t always work out as easily as we wish it would. I’ve always been afraid that by the time we finally figure out the answer, it’ll already be too late, that something irreversible will have already happened.
‘I just wish Hyung would throw aside his responsibilities and everything else, and make a selfish choice for himself just once. But frankly, with his personality, that’s a wish that will never come true.’
Still, I wanted to return at least the same amount of love I’d been given, so I wanted to overcome that fear and change.
Right now, Hyung was like someone who had fallen into the sea, barely keeping his face above the water and gasping for air.
“I felt like I was completely useless, and the more I tried to help you, hyung, the more it felt like I was only making things harder for you. And that’s why my condition went downhill too.”
All this time, I’d been trying to save Hyung by forcefully grabbing his arm and dragging him out, but in the process, the water churned violently, choking him and causing him pain.
“Now, I don’t think I’d do that anymore.”
I didn’t want to repeat that mistake ever again.
As I slowly sorted out my thoughts with that in mind, I suddenly recalled the conversation I’d had with Inchan-hyung on the day Kang Hyukwoo barged into his house.
“I think it’s time we put some distance between us and Hyung.”
“What’s that supposed to mean all of a sudden? What in the world happened…….”
“Hyung went as far as coming to my house just to save me … It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? Kang Hyukwoo could’ve found out who he really was, or even hurt him.”
“…….”
“I, I don’t want to be a burden to Hyung anymore. I’m done with that, I hate it now..…….”
Back then, I couldn’t really understand it, but now I feel like I kind of get it.
Prism and our hyung had a tendency to affect each other far too much. After going through several moments where our care only ended up hurting us, I started to think that maybe keeping a little distance wouldn’t be such a bad idea. After all, the worst thing that could happen was for this relationship to completely fall apart. As long as we could avoid that, I was willing to do anything.
“After pushing myself to my breaking point, I get it now. I think seeing Hyung struggle because of me hurts more than feeling anxious myself.”
“…….”
“So I won’t bother you anymore. Everything I did was because I wanted to be with you and believed it was for your sake, hyung. But if it ends up ruining our relationship or making things even harder for you … then that’s not right.”
From now on, even if I’m clumsy about it, I’ll try to respect Hyung’s way and keep an appropriate distance.
I said it out loud with that resolve, but the reaction I expected never came. I thought he’d at least respond, whether by welcoming me with a “So you finally realized?” or by brushing me off with a “Stop acting cocky and just live the way you always have”.
“…….”
But my hyung didn’t show any reaction, not at all.
‘What’s wrong with him?’
From the moment I started explaining why my condition had broken down, something about Hyung’s expression seemed off. It wasn’t the kind of reaction I was expecting from him. He just stared blankly at the bed, looking like a person whose mind had gone completely blank.
No maybe he wasn’t looking at the bed at all, but at my surgical scar?
I already had a bitter taste in my mouth from forcing myself to say something I didn’t even want to talk about, and now that I started paying attention to the little things, the area where I’d had the surgery seemed to ache even more.
“…Alright.”
[END OF YOO JAY’S POV]
***
I don’t even know what state of mind I was in when I rushed to the hospital after seeing that article about Yoo Jay skipping his schedule. The articles circulating online were full of implications that Yoo Jay had ditched it without notice like some thoughtless celebrity, but I didn’t pay attention to a single word of that nonsense.
The moment I realized that something had happened to Yoo Jay, I started calling the Prism members one by one. I must’ve called Cha Woon more than ten times. But despite all that effort and desperation, the only response I received was the emotionless drone of an automated message.
[“The number you have dialed cannot be reached. Please leave a message after the tone…….”]
I stood there, clutching a phone I normally wouldn’t even glance at, as the minute hand made its way around a full circle. What I was feeling in that moment … no one could possibly know.
Because on the outside, I looked perfectly fine to anyone who saw me.
‘In times like this, I have to stay calm‘. That self-reinforcing mantra, repeated so many times it had practically become a habit, wasn’t about to disappear just because of a moment like this. I kept my composure, thinking rationally and acting efficiently, perhaps more so than anyone.
But apparently, this time, it was all useless.
“Ah, only guardians are allowed in at the moment. I’m sorry.”
“The members of Prism are already here as his guardians, so you really don’t need to worry too much. And although it’s classified as an emergency, this kind of surgery doesn’t pose a serious threat to his life or carry a high risk of failure. Why don’t you get some rest at home and come by again tomorrow?”
The very first thing I heard after finally tracking down the hospital where Jay was and arriving there … was that. To be fair, it was perfectly reasonable from the hospital’s standpoint. After all, I wasn’t a member of Prism anymore.
But even knowing that, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of helplessness crash over me, and my body went limp. It felt like the staff’s words had, without meaning to, laid bare the objective truth of our relationship: that I was just a stranger with no ties to Prism now.
My child was sick and had collapsed, and yet I wasn’t even allowed to see his face freely. I wanted to deny the reality of it all. To make matters worse, even the Prism members weren’t telling me anything. It felt like the world around me was sinking into darkness.
In the end, I returned to my place and carried out the rest of my schedule as planned.
The hospital staff told me that, since the surgery wasn’t particularly high-risk, there was no need to worry, but that did nothing to ease the devastation I felt. The severity of the surgery didn’t matter to me. What weighed on me was the fact that I hadn’t been there for Jay during his most vulnerable moment.
How many times in my life have I ever felt time drag on this endlessly? I stayed up all night, unable to even close my eyes.
It was only after the surgery was over and he had recovered to some extent that I was finally able to see him.
“Your body.”
The first thing I did was check on his condition.
Seeing him so gaunt, hooked up to multiple IV drips, made my chest ache, but I was relieved, at least. I could see with my own eyes that it wasn’t a serious matter that would threaten his life.
And once the source of all my anxiety was gone, what rushed in to take its place was anger.
“Do I have to find out what happened to you guys from the news? Seriously, me?”
The moment I laid eyes on the members, rage bubbled up. I wanted to lash out at them right then and there, demanding to know why they hadn’t contacted me, but I held it back, forcing myself to speak in a voice that was calm, almost like I was chewing the words through clenched teeth.
I was too blinded by anger to even notice how frightened the members looked, but ironically enough, that state didn’t last long. It wasn’t because I found them pitiful or endearing like I usually did. This time, I was genuinely angry.
“Back then, after parting ways with you like that, I was really lost … that’s why my condition went downhill too.”
With that one short sentence from Jay himself, I had no choice but to turn all the anger I’d been directing at the Prism members inward, toward myself.
‘…Did this happen because of me?’
They said the reason Jay had to undergo surgery was a gastric perforation, and the most common cause of that is stress.
The thought that he’d been under that much stress because of me hit me hard.
While drowning in guilt that seemed to have no end, this thought suddenly crossed my mind.
‘If I save Han Seungbeom and disappear from this world, what will happen to these guys? Can they really just go back to their everyday lives like nothing happened? Especially this guy, who’s struggling so hard just because he hates the idea of being apart from me?’
No matter how hard I thought about it, I couldn’t come up with a hopeful answer. Haunted by the guilt and anxiety that came from secretly building a plan the Prism members were bound to resent, I kept turning things over in my mind, trying to find a way to fix the situation.
Then, a certain option came to mind.
‘If Jay is struggling this much because of everything I caused, wouldn’t it be better to just erase his memories of me?’
If I used that ability, wouldn’t I be able to erase the very fact that I came back to life in Han Seungbeom’s body from the Prism members’ memories? They were struggling before I appeared, sure, but they were still getting by. Nothing this serious had happened back then. This only happened because I showed up and stirred them up for no good reason.
So, wouldn’t eliminating the cause fix everything?
‘Now that Kang Hyukwoo has been dealt with, they’ll be able to live well.’
This wasn’t something I thought of on impulse.
I had to save Han Seungbeom, no matter what, and that was the right thing to do.
Given that unchangeable premise, the only way to keep the people around me from having to go through my death a second time was to do that.
“…….”
But what was truly horrifying was that, for some reason, I didn’t want to erase their memories of me.
That was selfish of me. The moment I realized it, I felt a sickening drop in my stomach.
I forced myself to compose my expression to hide my feelings, then pulled my phone out of my pocket.
“Well, I’m glad to hear you’re alright now. Hold on, I need to contact my manager for a second…….”
I had already forgotten that I’d been angry just moments ago. The members gave me puzzled looks, but I deliberately pretended not to notice and fumbled through my pocket. That was when the corner of the ticket inside stuck out. Noticing it, Lee Chise tilted his head and asked.
“Hyung, what’s that?”
“…….”
“Hyung.”
“…Huh?”
“I’m asking what that is.”
My mind was a mess, so I couldn’t respond right away to the voice calling me.
Startled, I quickly lifted my head, but thankfully, the only response I got was a light scolding, “Please pay attention to us.”. Feeling relieved, I forced myself to act as if nothing was wrong as I handed over the tickets and replied.
“‘Oh, these are guest seat tickets for the final concert. I reserved some seats for you guys.”
The members’ eyes lit up, and they immediately huddled together, chattering excitedly among themselves.
“Wow, I totally thought you’d never do something like this for us, hyung. I’m touched.”
“If we knew we were getting these, we wouldn’t have bothered with ticketing.”
“We cleared our whole schedule. It’s your concert, hyung. Of course we’re going.”
“Make sure you’re free after the concert too. You’ve got to have at least one meal with us.”
I quietly watched the members for a moment, then clenched my fist tightly.
“…….”
Before the finale comes, I must make all my decisions.
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Translator’s Corner:
I’M BAAAACK. SORRY FOR SUDDENLY DISAPPEARING GUYS. I was busy defending Chuei Liyu on internet (I don’t even stan him but God his hate train is so underserved it triggered my SJW spirit to protect innocent idol from evil netizen), and then I got busy translating for B2P community because of their center controversy since a lot of people seems to love mistranslating things to support their own agenda …. and now I’m preparing essays about why boygroup survival show should stay away from covering girlgroup song.
Ok back to this story. Idk why every MC always thinking like this, like, omg stoppppp. Please sacrifice someone else instead of yourself just once ???? but tbh, I also couldn’t imagine Yutae living as Han Seungbeom after knowing the whole story. Like IT FELT SO WRONG. I really want to see OG Han Seungbeom as idol T_T Author-nim, please give me us charming kind-hearted soft baby idol Han Seungbeom … I’m going to stan ….. and give Han Seungbeom acting talent too please … we need handsome guy to be put into romance drama ??? at this rate can’t we have a whole spin off or alternative universe ….. OG Han Seungbeom joining Survive Idol sounds fun ….
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