“…Ah.”
The moment Seo Yutae disappeared, the members of Prism felt a strange chill settle deep in their chests.
What happened? Did some kind of accident occur at the venue? With that thought, they looked around, but the audience showed no signs of a commotion; they were simply engrossed in preparing for Pantheion’s final event.
Even after confirming it, they still felt uneasy, so they immediately headed to the place where Seo Yutae had been. Since they had just witnessed his condition deteriorating moments ago, they felt they couldn’t be at ease unless they saw with their own eyes that he was truly alright.
What was fortunate, at least, was that the Prism members were able to reach backstage without anyone stopping them. This was thanks to Seo Yutae, who had asked the staff right after the final stage, “Prism are my acquaintances who came here for me, so please don’t stop them.”
When they rushed to the spot where Seo Yutae had just been, the Prism members were met with the sight of Han Seungbeom’s body, limp and lifeless like an empty shell. Beside him stood Choi Jeokhyeon, neither able to hold Han Seungbeom in his arms nor bring himself to let go, his vacant eyes fixed on the air before him.
“…….”
The moment they saw that scene, the Prism members froze like stone, their breath caught in their throats.
Someone had collapsed, yet the atmosphere was completely different from before. The staff, who had been scrambling to help Han Seungbeom recover just moments ago, were now calmly going about their business. The Pantheion members, too, were busily preparing to return to the stage. It was as if the unconscious Han Seungbeom were invisible to their eyes.
“Have all the members changed their outfits?”
And Choi Jeokhyeon, even as he looked at that twisted scene, said nothing.
He just stood there blankly, like a man who had lost everything.
It wasn’t just anyone. It was that Choi Jeokhyeon. In all the countless times they had crossed paths while working alongside Seo Yutae, he had always shown nothing but a chillingly perfect appearance. This was the first time they had ever seen him look so utterly lost.
At that, the members of Prism, gripped by a profound anxiety, asked.
“…Hyung?”
It was a question steeped in despair and helplessness, as if what they had feared most might have actually come true.
Choi Jeokhyeon lifted his head only after a long while had passed.
And then, in a voice that sounded as though it might break at any moment, he replied.
“He’s gone.”
***
I had been thinking about it ever since Seo Yuseong and Choi Jeokhyeon were nowhere to be seen in the concert hall.
What if, by some chance, those two had caught on to my plan? And if they intended never to appear before me again, then what would happen to Han Seungbeom? Those were the kinds of worries that plagued me.
“Manager-nim, could you please keep my bag aside for me? I’d like it to be somewhere I can grab it at any moment.”
“I can, but … is something wrong?”
“…Just, in case something happens.”
I believed that if my assumption was correct, Choi Jeokhyeon would never appear before me again until the very end. Yet he came before me once more, fully aware of everything, and when I watched him force himself to bid me farewell, the thought struck me, ‘Ah… just what on earth am I doing?‘
Would my heart have been at ease if you had never shown yourself until the very end? If I had simply managed to find you on my own, after you had disappeared without a trace, I wouldn’t be drowning in this guilt.
I feel like I was taking advantage of your feelings, and I hate myself to death for it.
“I’m sorry for being so childish until the end, I’m sorry ……. I really am.”
This was undoubtedly the right thing to do. Yet at the same time, it was cruel beyond measure for those who had always put me first. Knowing that, I apologized over and over again. Even though the person I was apologizing to could only look at me, unable to utter even a word of resentment.
“…You have to take care of yourself.”
A single tear slipped from his bloodshot eyes, red from not blinking, as if he didn’t want to miss even a single moment.
Thank you for coming to me when I was seventeen, and for helping me not give up on my dream. I was truly happy because of you. I was going to leave after saying those words I wanted so badly to tell him. But the moment I saw that tear, a sudden, intense feeling swept over me: I don’t want to leave like this.
‘Wait, just a moment … really, just a moment…….’
In that moment, I was consumed by such immense sorrow and regret that I wanted to abandon all the resolve I had held until now. Losing all sense of reason, I was about to let my hand drop from the laptop, but as if refusing to allow it, a fingertip immediately passed right through the screen.
Then I felt my body detach, as if it had been suddenly jolted apart, and everything before my eyes went pitch black.
For a long while after, there was nothing but darkness.
In that space where I could do nothing but think, I sank into deep regret.
‘Was there really no better way?’
It was such a brief and miserable farewell. Neither Choi Jeokhyeon nor I had any intention of giving in, so it was inevitable.
‘If I had been just a little wiser, I might have been able to find a way for them to get hurt less.’
Nevertheless, since it was the last time, I wanted to at least say a proper goodbye.
‘I want to stay by their side and watch how the Pantheion members would grow in the future.’
For someone who’s terrible with words, why am I so greedy? There were mountains of things I wanted to say to the Prism members, to the Pantheion members, to Choi Jeokhyeon, but I could barely get any of them out, and that left me with regret.
‘I want to go back to the Prism members and be with them…….’
But I muttered to myself over and over, ‘Yes, this is the right thing to do.’. If I didn’t, I felt as though this regret would swallow me whole.
Then, I closed my eyes for a long moment. When I opened them again, a scene unlike anything before unfolded before me.
The cries of insects filled the air, and darkness had fallen over the quiet sidewalk.
There wasn’t a single car passing by, and only the streetlights illuminated the boundary between the flowerbeds and the pavement.
This was the neighborhood where I lived until the day I died.
“…….”
It seemed I had successfully arrived in the world where Han Seungbeom was, just as I had planned. As I stood there in a daze, bewildered by the surreal scene, I heard the clear, high-pitched voices unique to children who hadn’t yet reached puberty.
“Dad!”
When I turned around, I saw a boy wearing a hat with a wide brim and straps, worn flipped around.
It was a face I had seen countless times after I could no longer live in Seo Yutae’s body, but it had chubby, pale cheeks and was very small in stature. Ah, now that I think about it, I felt like I had seen the same face in the gallery on the laptop.
That boy was the young Han Seungbeom.
The moment Han Seungbeom’s eyes met mine, he beamed as if he had discovered a treasure and started running toward me.
“…….”
When I instinctively hugged the child who had jumped into my arms, I heard him giggle with delight. Seeing that his hair was damp with sweat and smelled of dirt, it was clear that, like most kids his age, he had been playing outside. After all, there was a park nearby where children could run and play.
As I accepted the situation and bent down, long black hair fell over the shoulders of Han Seungbeom, who had his eyes closed and was hugging my waist tightly. I had expected it from the moment Han Seungbeom appeared before me, but now it was clear that, here, I existed as Seo Yutae.
Han Seungbeom, as if the hair brushing against his cheek tickled him, shrugged his shoulders and soon pulled away from my body. Then, as though this situation were completely familiar to him, he naturally took my hand. In that moment, the words I was supposed to say came to me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
There was nothing forcing me to do it; it felt more like a habit. If I wanted, I could have said nothing, but there was no reason not to. I wanted to treat Han Seungbeom with care.
“Did you have fun today too?”
As I habitually ran my hand through his hair, softly murmuring the affectionate words that came to mind, Han Seungbeom’s cheeks flushed red and puffed out as he smiled brightly. Then he nodded enthusiastically and said, “Yes!”
“…Then, shall we go back?”
I smiled slightly and, with a hand far bigger than the fully grown Han Seungbeom’s, took the child’s hand in mine. Then I began walking home with him, keeping my steps short to match his. Whenever there was a puddle, I lifted my hand so he could jump over it. Whenever a dragonfly perched on the bushes, I pointed it out. Whenever a snack caught his eye, I handed it to him, one by one.
Han Seungbeom smiled as if those small gestures made him truly happy. Watching him, I naturally came to understand the answer to the fundamental question, ‘Why, of all things, does Han Seungbeom in this world take the form of a child?‘
“Don’t eat too many snacks. You have to eat dinner.”
“I only ate one. I’ll eat the rest after dinner.”
“Okay, what do you want for dinner?”
“Anything you make, Dad! I’ll like it all!”
“…Are you serious?”
“Yes!”
This was a world created for Han Seungbeom, who grew up lonely and unloved.
.
.
.
Around the middle of the way, I heard the child’s stomach growling, so I hurriedly hoisted Han Seungbeom onto my shoulders and rushed into the house.
“Let’s eat!”
Pretending not to notice the cat tower and cushion that were clearly no longer needed, I walked past them and stood in front of the kitchen.
Since I didn’t really trust my pathetic cooking skills, I decided to rely on several tools throughout the process. I threw pre-chopped vegetables, instant rice, and what was supposed to be natural liquid seasoning, which was already balanced for use, into the pan and made fried rice. After topping it with a squashed-looking egg garnish1, I ended up with something at least safe for human consumption.
…It didn’t look as pretty as the ones sold in stores, though.
‘It all tastes the same once it’s in your mouth anyway, so what does it matter?’
While I was cooking, Han Seungbeom supported his chubby, baby-like cheeks with both hands and wiggled his short legs that didn’t even reach the floor, humming to himself. I wasn’t sure what exactly made him so happy, but he seemed to take great delight whenever the egg popped in the pan and startled me.
“…….”
When the finished omelet rice was set in front of him, he simply sat quietly, staring at the plate like it was some amazing thing. I guess he was really impressed by the blood-soaked … no, the flower-adorned cat I drew with the ketchup.
“If you stare at it for too long, you’ll be cursed. Hurry up and eat.”
Han Seungbeom covered his mouth, giggled at my words, then exclaimed, “Thank you for the meal!”, and began eating.
“Don’t be a picky eater.”
He seemed to be eating well at first, but then I noticed him maneuvering his spoon to avoid the bell peppers. I tapped his bowl with my chopsticks and, in a quiet voice, gave him a gentle warning. Han Seungbeom, like a child being scolded by a parent, looked a little sulky and lowered his head.
I watched him quietly and let out a small sigh. I scooped about half of the pile of bell peppers from the corner of his plate onto my own, then spoke again.
“Give it a try. You don’t have to eat it all if you don’t want to.”
At that, Han Seungbeom smiled bashfully.
It wasn’t simply that he was happy about not having to eat something he disliked. Han Seungbeom seemed to find joy in the very act of having a meal with me, and even in having his occasional whims indulged.
“…….”
It was a reaction that didn’t quite suit someone who looked entirely like a child, but I kept my expression neutral. I scooped some of the remaining fried rice onto a spoon and fed it to Han Seungbeom. I was sure that Seo Yutae, who had been by Han Seungbeom’s side until now, would surely have done the same.
“You’re eating so well. So adorable.”
After I finished feeding him, Han Seungbeom’s eyelids slowly began to droop, as if a sudden wave of sleepiness had overtaken him. Seeing this, I stood up, picked him up, and headed to the bedroom.
Then I carefully laid the child down on a bed unfamiliar to me. It was far too large for a child Han Seungbeom’s age, but since the bed that Seo Yuseong and I normally used was still in its original place, this one must surely belong to Han Seungbeom.
“Did you have a good day today?”
As I brushed his hair back with my fingertips and asked, Han Seungbeom nodded slightly. I watched him and smiled silently before speaking again.
“Okay, then it’s time to go back now.” 2
At those words, Han Seungbeom held his breath.
In the blink of an eye, Han Seungbeom had suddenly transformed into his 19-year-old self. As I quietly stared at his changed appearance, he pressed his lips together as if holding back tears, then soon spoke again in a trembling voice.
“No.”
“…….”
“You know it, right? If that happens, you’ll die, Dad.”
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