The blood of goblins drenched the ground. The budding village they had tried to create was destroyed. I couldn’t recognise a single goblin corpse because they had been so badly mangled that they no longer resembled bodies. They were pulps of flesh littering the ground, decorated with dark green tatters of skin.
The shriek of a goblin came from where the central fire had been. It was doused now, and in its place was a crucified goblin. It was still alive. Three humans had pinned the goblin to a makeshift crucifix and took turns torturing the poor creature.
One of them prodded the goblin with a sharp spear and laughed as the goblin wailed. The screams were completely different than the ones I had heard earlier from the goblin in my arms. These screams were of agony. They were a plea for the torment to end.
I wasn’t going to let this continue. Or so I thought. The cries from the tortured goblin had awoken the goblin in my arms.
I quickly shielded myself to avoid any attack, but the goblin didn’t care about me. He was solely focused on his suffering kinsman. He leapt to his feet and rushed at the humans while letting out a battle cry.
Why did it do that? The humans hadn’t noticed the goblin until it began screeching. If he stayed silent, he probably could’ve gotten a sneak attack off. Weren’t goblins supposed to be ambush predators? Shouldn’t he have known to be stealthy? I suppose the fury at seeing his comrade tortured must have robbed him of reason.
This was no time to critique the goblin’s battle tactics. He was running towards certain death. Those humans were all above level 30. I had to save him.
A young bald man walked out to face the charging goblin, one on one. He had dots tattooed onto his forehead. He wore brown robes. He was the spitting image of a monk from Earth. But, to my knowledge, monks didn’t torture helpless creatures.
The goblin used his signature claw swipe at the monk’s shiny head. I could barely see what happened next. In one moment, the monk was standing still. In the next moment, he was in a pose that implied he had thrown a punch.
The green goblin was flung through the air, and he landed on his back. He didn’t fall naturally. He was stiff like a statue when he landed on his back. After a punch that fast, he should’ve thrashed about.
“I can’t believe you just used Stunning Punch on a goblin,” said the woman who currently had her spear in the strung-up goblin.
“Why not? I have so much MP to spare. Plus, now we have another goblin to mess with.” The monk stretched his arms behind his back.
“Good. This loud one is about to croak soon.” The last man was wearing plate armour. He carried a large mace on his shoulders. It was covered in red blood and fleshy goblin bits. I imagined that he had personally turned every dead goblin into mincemeat with that thing.
I walked out of the bushes with a needle in each hand. I had no intention to fight but I wanted to look intimidating. “Oi,” I shouted. “Get away from those goblins or else!”
The three humans turned to me. They looked me up and down for a few seconds. Then they laughed.
“Are you lost, kid?” said the woman while doubling over. “You look soooo scary.” The sarcasm in her voice was palpable.
“Put those needles down before you hurt yourself.” The man in armour had a very hearty laugh.
The monk was simply smiling. “Do you pity these creatures, boy? There’s no need for that. They are undeserving of sympathy.” The monk’s foot crushed the paralysed goblin’s leg. “This creature won’t feel anything until the duration of my skill ends. I’m going to break all its bones, so when it regains its body, it will feel immeasurable pain.”
I glared at him. “I won’t let you. I’ll stop you right now.”
“Oh?” The monk scoffed. “And how are you going to do that?”
I raised one finger up.
“Watch out. He might cast a spell,” said the spear woman.
I extended my finger towards the sky. “Just give me one second while I think of a plan.”
The monk lost his balance in shock. “You talk big for someone who has no idea what they’re doing.”
I stroked where my beard should have been. There was no way I was defeating these guys. It didn’t seem likely that I could convince them to stop their cruel acts of violence either. There had to be another way to save the goblins. Then it hit me.
I opened my System and accepted the Spare Monster skill.
The armoured man said to his companions, “Is it just me or was that kid’s System red?”
I immediately realised I had made a big mistake doing that out in the open.
“What does that mean? Isn’t he human? Shouldn’t his System be green like ours?” asked the monk.
“Maybe he’s a monster in disguise.”
“Nah, monsters have purple Systems. I’ve never seen a red one in my life. Half-humans are yellow, so he’s not that either.”
“Stop gossiping about me!” I had no idea how to diffuse the situation. Lying was always an option. “You guys think my System is red? What on Earth made you think such a thing? It’s clearly green.”
The girl leaned towards the armoured man and covered her mouth. “What the heck is Earth?”
The monk said, “We clearly saw it was red, you know?”
I put on the most sorrowful expression I could manage. “I pity you three. You’re all colourblind.”
They all looked at each other. “How could all three of us be colourblind?”
“So you think that there’s too small of a chance for all three of you to be colourblind? You know the most common type of colourblindness is red-green, don’t you?”
None of them looked convinced but they were entertaining the idea for longer than I thought they would. “But we can differentiate green from red. I mean we can clearly see that goblins have green skin and red blood.”
I stumbled backwards. “Oh no. It’s worse than I thought.” I looked at them as I would a wounded puppy. “Goblins have blue skin…” God I was good at lying.
At my utterance, the three of them realised it was all a fib. The monk stepped forward. “None of this is relevant. If you’re done playing games with us, child, then go back home to your parents.”
I pointed at the sky. “Look! A meteor!” As they all turned their chins up to the heavens above, I dashed towards the paralysed goblin. My finger connected with it and I shouted, “Get banished, goblin!” The creature transformed into innumerable tiny purple particles and disappeared.
[Banished: Level 7 Goblin]
[+39 GP, +Shabby Trowel]
The spear girl stuck the bottom of her spear into the ground and began clapping. “Bravo!”
I gave her a bow. “Thank you. For my next trick, I’m going to make the crucified goblin disappear too.”
The monk grabbed me by the hair and pulled me off of the ground. “You’re not going anywhere.”
“Ow! Ow! You’re going to make me go bald, again.” I kicked my legs in the air at him. I did about as much damage as a pinch did to a squeaky toy.
“What did you just do?”
“I banished the goblin. Let me go!”
He released me and I fell to the ground. “Well why didn’t you just say so?”
“I did!” I was surprised that the monk let me go so easily.
“You’ve banished him to the infernal plane of hell, right? That’s completely fine with me. I thought you teleported it away to save it. I did want to torture it but that’s alright.”
I allowed him to continue with that assumption because it worked in my favour. “I’ll banish the other goblin next, if you don’t mind.” I started approaching the strung-up goblin, but I saw that their HP had already reduced to zero. “They’re dead.”
The armoured man said, “I’m surprised it lasted so long with all those wounds. Maybe it was a higher-level goblin. They’re all so weak I couldn’t really tell.”
I was too late to save the tragic creature. Even if I was in time to banish them, I’m sure they would’ve succumbed to their injuries in the Monster Kingdom. I suppose I could’ve cleansed the creature of bleeding, but then I wouldn’t have had enough MP to spare them.
My reward for banishing the previous goblin was a small shoddy trowel. It looked like it was on the verge of breaking apart from just me holding it. I stuck it into the ground and began digging.
“What’s this?” asked the woman. “Making a sandcastle all of a sudden?”
“No,” I said. “I’m burying this goblin.”
“Burying it?” the monk exclaimed. “Why on this ‘Earth’ place, would you do that?”
The dirt had softened from the blood seeping into it, making it easier for me to dig.
The armoured man shook his head in disbelief. “Look over there, kid.” He pointed to two wrapped up human corpses. They were the ones that the goblins had charred. “We’re going to bring back those bodies to grieving families. To a widowed woman, we have to hand a burnt husband. To orphaned kids, we return a scorched parent. The goblins did that. They killed them without mercy. So then, pray tell, why are you showing mercy to these despicable creatures?”
My clothes got soaked in goblin blood as I worked at the ground, digging my hole. “Mark Twain once said: of all the creatures ever made, he (man) is the most detestable. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.”
The armoured man let out a confused huff. His metal clinked as he shuffled. “But goblins torture humans too, you know?”
I stuck my trowel into the dirt. “Ok well, we didn’t have goblins in our world. Give Twain a break, will you? How was he supposed to know?”
The armoured man murmured, “You’re the one who brought him up, kid.”
The party of three discussed amongst themselves for a short while and then decided to leave me. They took the two human bodies with them.
I carried on with my gravedigging. After an hour or so, my trowel broke completely. It was so crappy. It could hardly have been considered a reward. I was at least happy with the money I gained from using Spare Monster. I continued digging with my hands.
My pace was so slow, I knew I was going to spend a long time doing this. After another hour, I heard footsteps.
“Merely a bunch of dead goblins. What a waste of my time,” a woman’s voice said, clearly disappointed.
I didn’t want to get into a pointless argument with another human, so I dug some more.
It looked like I wouldn’t have much of a choice because the footsteps travelled towards me. “What are you doing, child?” the woman asked.
“I’m digging a grave for this goblin.” I tried to sound as uninviting as possible.
The woman chuckled. “You’re burying a goblin? That’s new. What compels you to perform such a pointless task?”
“Go away.”
The woman’s voice changed from cheerful to serious. “That’s quite a way to speak to me.”
“Sorry, but I’m tired of playing nice with people who think it’s ok to torture monsters.”
The woman did not speak but I didn’t hear her footsteps either. She stood and watched me dig for a few moments. “You’re quite an interesting human.”
“Human? Are you a half-human or something?” My fingers were bleeding from burrowing through hard dirt and sharp rocks.
“Half-monster, actually.”
“Isn’t that the same thing?”
“I suppose it’s a mere difference of perspective.”
The realisation hit me. This woman was from the Kingdom of Monsters! I turned up to look at her. She was a tall woman with purple skin. Two large black horns came out of the sides of her head. Pure white hair ran down to her knees. What drew my attention the most was her two huge watermelon-sized breasts.
She crossed her arms under her bosom to accentuate her assets. “You humans always have the same reaction. Do you like staring at my magnificent chest, darling?” She giggled.
I was in shock. “I’m not even aroused. I’m just in disbelief. They’re so round and firm. I thought large breasts were supposed to sag.”
“I am half-demon. My chest does not sag.”
I looked above her head. “Even at age 60?”
She scowled at me. “Haven’t you been taught to never speak of a lady’s age?”
“Sorry, sorry. You don’t look a day older than 59.”
Her eyes narrowed. “How is it that you know, anyhow?”
“I can see your age above your head, because I’m one of a hundred heroes that were summoned to defeat the Demon King.”
Her eyes widened.
“Several days ago, we were summoned from another world to help humans defeat monsters.”
She blinked. “Suppose that’s all true, why would you tell me? I’m with the monsters, in other words, your enemy. It doesn’t seem wise to leak valuable information like that.”
“I’m telling you because I want to defect. Please let me join the Demon Kingdom!”
The woman seemed at a loss for words. “Why do you wish to betray humans?”
“Because the human realm is vile. They condone slavery. They kill innocents. They allow smoking indoors!”
The half-demon’s breasts wobbled as she stifled a laugh. I was still in awe of the complete rigidity of her chest. “Do you believe that monsters do not do the same?” she asked. “We have slaves just as humans do.”
“So, that wasn’t propaganda in the textbooks?” I felt defeated.
“Even if that weren’t the case, you still could not join us. The Demon King’s decree is to kill all humans, just as the Human King wishes to kill all monsters. You couldn’t step a single foot within our kingdom without someone trying to kill you.”
“What about half-humans? I mean half-monsters.”
“They’re allowed of course. I mean, I am one.”
“Aww man. I should’ve picked that Llama title!” I sighed and finished off the grave by placing a large rock to act as a gravestone.
“This grave… I believe I’ve seen something similar in a different location.”
“Really?” I asked. “Someone’s out there stealing my intellectual property? I’ll sue them for copyright infringement!”
“You have a strange vocabulary. Perhaps you are from another world.”
“You said that you’re supposed to kill humans, right? Are you going to kill me.”
“I was planning on it.”
I quickly pulled out a needle. “I won’t go down without a fight.”
“But I have decided against it. My curiosity is piqued. I find you too fascinating to kill at the moment.” She flipped her hair and began to walk off. “But like all humans, your time will come, eventually. The Demon King will make sure of that.”
[Charmer title activated.]
The woman’s flowing hair froze in place. In fact, everything froze. The whole world paused and took on a haze of red. I looked at the System and realised my title had finally activated. It was about damn time. I had waited long enough to get rewards from it. It had felt like a wasted pick, up until now.
[Choose the correct dialogue option for a reward.]
[God damn, woman. Your tits are massive. Honk! Honk!]
[Who said I wanted to live? Come back here and kill me now, scaredy cat!]
[Are you going to be alright walking without your cane, old lady?]
What the hell were these? These were all so awful. I didn’t want to say any of them. There was no way that saying a single one of them would lead to a good outcome. A timer ticked down. I had twenty seconds to decide.
I had already decided to not choose. All three were so antagonistic and rude. I didn’t want to say such hurtful things for the promise of a reward. The timer ticked down. I was also certain that the half-demon would kill me if I said any of them. I was preserving my life by abstaining.
The timer ticked to zero.
[Since no option was chosen, a punishment shall occur.]
Punishment? That wasn’t part of the deal. Well, I was willing to endure some punishment by the System over punishment by the half-demon. Whatever it was, I was sure I could handle it.
My mouth involuntarily opened and I said, “Watch out for the booby trap beneath your feet, demon lady!”
The woman tripped as she tried to avoid a non-existent trap. She managed to avoid falling but one of her boobs fell out of her shirt and smashed into the ground. Her fallen breast was so huge and heavy that upon impact with the ground it exploded. Red blood splattered in all directions. My face was drenched in it and some even got in my mouth. Strangely, her exploded boob blood tasted like watermelon juice.
I looked at her detonated breast on the ground. It was green and glossy, like watermelon skin. Had this woman stuffed watermelons down her blouse?
The face of the woman became red with both embarrassment and anger. The half-demon turned her palm to the sky and shaped her hand as if she were holding an invisible orb. Black flames erupted from her fingertips. “I think I’ll kill you after all,” she said.
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