"Great job distracting it, Ken," Naomi praised him gently. She walked over and playfully nudged his arm. "Your dance moves are terrible, but they work perfectly. You set that monster up for me effortlessly."
Olivia felt her brain completely short-circuit. She stared at the fierce vanguard leader.
"He did not distract it, Naomi!" Olivia shrieked loudly. She waved her arms in pure frustration. "He stumbled around like a highly confused duck! He literally danced out of the way! That is not a tactical maneuver! That is an embarrassment!"
Ira stepped forward from the backline. The water mage stood perfectly still. Her pale face remained a flat, emotionless mask. She stared blankly at Olivia.
"Statistically speaking, your assessment is completely incorrect, Olivia," Ira stated in her robotic, deadpan voice. She did not blink. "Ken’s evasion rate currently stands at an absolute one hundred percent. His unpredictable, chaotic movements disrupt the enemy's targeting algorithms perfectly. The monsters cannot calculate his trajectory. He serves as a highly efficient, entirely flawless decoy."
Olivia gasped. She looked at the emotionless girl in total shock. "Ira? You are defending this absolute nonsense? He is just flopping around on the dirt!"
Sayma walked over. The intelligent Vice-Captain closed her neat notebook. She pushed her thick glasses up the bridge of her nose. She offered a polite, calm smile.
"Ira’s logic is perfectly sound," Sayma agreed smoothly. She looked at Ken with quiet respect. "Ken completely understands the natural flow of combat. He intentionally breaks the enemy's rhythm. He utilizes a very unorthodox, highly advanced tactical application of psychological distraction. He forces the beasts to make mistakes, which allows our vanguard to strike without taking damage. His presence on the field is invaluable."
Olivia stood frozen in the middle of the dusty quarry.
She looked at Naomi. The fierce, strict fighter was looking at Ken with soft, incredibly warm eyes.
She looked at Ira. The cold, logical mage was defending Ken with absolute statistical certainty.
She looked at Sayma. The brilliant tactician was praising his goofy behavior as advanced military strategy.
These girls were elite warriors. They were smart, strong, and highly capable. They were the best fighters Olivia had ever worked with. And they were all looking at this messy, lazy, totally ridiculous slacker with profound, undeniable adoration. They dotted on him. They made excuses for him. They protected him.
Olivia questioned her own sanity. She wondered if she had accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension. She wondered how this incredibly lazy guy had somehow managed to completely capture the hearts and minds of the entire 13th Unit. It made absolutely no logical sense.
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The last remaining boar turned to ash. The battlefield went completely quiet. The monster hunt was officially over.
Ken Eliot slouched his shoulders. He dragged his shoes on the dirt. Scuff. Scuff. Scuff. He walked over to Naomi. He let out a massive, dramatic yawn.
"Well, that was a lot of cardio," Ken complained lazily. He shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He looked at Naomi with sleepy dark eyes. "My stomach is officially empty. Can we please go home now? I want a very large sandwich for lunch. And maybe a nap. A nap sounds fantastic."
Naomi laughed a bright, happy laugh. She playfully ruffled his messy black hair. "You got it, farm boy. Let us go home. I will make you a huge sandwich."
Olivia just stared at them. She let out a long, defeated sigh. She lowered her silver spear. She realized she was never going to win this argument. The lazy slacker had totally conquered the team, and Olivia was entirely powerless to stop it.
---
The bald hero on the television screen threw a single punch. The giant alien crab monster instantly exploded into a million tiny pieces. The animated hero let out a bored sigh. He complained about missing a sale at the local grocery store.
Ken Eliot smiled a massive, goofy smile. He totally related to that cartoon character.
Ken lay flat on his back on the large living room sofa. He wore his wrinkled navy blue suit pants. His white dress shirt hung completely untucked. He did not wear a tie. His black hair stuck out in wild, messy spikes. He held a giant bag of sour cream and onion potato chips on his stomach. He tossed a chip into the air. He caught it perfectly in his mouth. He chewed it loudly. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
"That guy gets it," Ken mumbled lazily to himself. "Fighting monsters is a total waste of time. Grocery sales are much more important. Groceries give you snacks. Monsters just give you dirty laundry. I wish I could defeat my enemies with one punch. It would save me so much cardio."
Naomi walked into the living room. She carried a plate of warm, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. She wore her dark combat pants and a simple gray shirt. Her red hair was tied back in a neat ponytail.
She walked over to the sofa. She smiled a very warm, incredibly fond smile. She did not yell at him to sit up straight. She gently nudged his knee with her hand.
"Move your legs, slacker," Naomi teased softly. Her green eyes sparkled with genuine affection. "I brought you some cookies. You need to eat something sweet. You have been eating salty chips all morning. You need a balanced diet."
Ken immediately sat up. His sleepy dark eyes lit up with pure joy. He grabbed a warm cookie from the plate. He took a huge bite. Chocolate melted perfectly on his tongue.
"Naomi, you are the absolute best person in the entire Empire," Ken cheered happily. He chewed his food. "This is a flawless cookie. You are a master chef. I will gladly make you the official snack manager of my future potato farm. The pay is terrible, but the benefits are amazing."
Naomi chuckled softly. She sat down in the armchair across from him. "I will keep that job offer in mind, Ken. Just try not to drop crumbs on the rug. I just swept the floor."
"I am a very clean eater," Ken lied smoothly. A small crumb fell onto his shirt. He quickly brushed it away.
The rest of the 13th Unit was scattered around the cozy living room. The morning was incredibly peaceful. The sun shined brightly through the large glass windows. The chaotic battles of the past week felt far away. The team finally had a chance to relax.
Laxmi sat cross-legged on the floor. She tossed a tiny orange spark of fire between her fingers. She grinned a wide, excited grin. "I am getting bored. We should go outside. I want to practice my new fire kicks. I saw a really cool move in a martial arts movie last night. The guy spun around and his foot caught on fire. I can definitely do that."
Zinia stood near the window. The strong earth mage stretched her arms high above her head. Her back popped loudly. She laughed a deep, rumbling laugh. "You will just set your own boots on fire, Laxmi. You need special shoes for that."
"I will just buy fireproof boots!" Laxmi argued playfully.
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