The next day was a bit better than yesterday, though "better" was a relative term when one was drowning in small children. Jasper still cried for his daddy Soryn, his wails starting at dawn and continuing with the persistence of a creature who knew exactly how to weaponize grief. But because he was crying, his little brothers started crying too, like a domino effect that no one could stop.
I had all these little cubs crying at once, their voices rising in a chorus of despair that seemed to shake the stone walls, and then the newborns started their crying, adding their high-pitched screams to the symphony of chaos. My mates were at their wits end, running around like headless chickens, each trying to solve a different crisis and succeeding at none.
Poor Caelion did not even know how to function since Soryn was always there to help him. The merman stood in the center of the room, holding Niku at arm’s length while the cub screamed directly into his face, his expression one of pure bewilderment. "What do I do?" he asked the ceiling, as if the gods themselves might offer guidance. "Soryn always knows what to do!"
Veylan looked like a lost wolf, his silver fur bristling, his usually calm demeanor shattered. He kept picking up cubs and putting them down, picking up different cubs and putting them down, as if hoping that eventually he would find the right combination that stopped the noise.
Ravin was doing his best to placate Jasper, his deep voice rumbling with promises of treats and adventures, but Jasper was having none of it. "I want daddy Soryn!" he shrieked, his face purple with effort. "Not you! You are not him!"
I watched the exchange, my heart aching for both of them, Jasper in his grief, and Ravin in his quiet devastation. After Jasper finally exhausted himself into hiccupping silence, I found Ravin in the corridor, his back against the wall, his golden head bowed.
"Ravin," I said softly, touching his arm.
He looked up, and I saw the shine of tears in his eyes, quickly blinked away. "He is my son," Ravin said, his voice thick with hurt. "Came from my seed, carries my blood. And yet... he would rather have Soryn than me. I know I should not take it personally. I know he is just a child grieving. But..." He broke off, his jaw tight.
"It hurts," I finished for him, stepping into his arms.
"Like a blade," he admitted, his voice barely audible. "I am his father. I have been here every day of his life. I love him more than my own heart. And in his moment of pain, I am not enough."
I held him tighter, feeling the tremor in his chest. "You are enough," I whispered. "You have always been enough. Jasper loves you, Ravin. He is just too small to know how to show it when he is drowning in missing Soryn. When he is older, he will know. He will remember who held him, who taught him, who stayed."
Ravin pressed his face into my hair, his breath warm and unsteady. "I hope so," he murmured. "I hope he knows that I would move mountains for him. That I would be anyone he needed, if only he would let me."
"He will," I promised, though the words felt fragile, like promises made to the wind. "Give him time. He’s your son. He loves you he’s just not use to not seeing Soryn is all."
He nodded against me, his arms tightening.
Leon stood in the center of the make shift nursery in my room, arms trembling, surrounded by noises that could probably be heard three territories over. In his left arm, Levy had reached that impressive pitch only achievable by the truly tiny and truly furious, a sound like a kettle boiling rage. In his right, Niku was doing this hiccupping shriek that came in rhythmic waves, as if timing his misery to some internal metronome of suffering. And cradled awkwardly against Leon’s chest, Sikai had gone concerningly red in the face, building toward what could only be described as a crescendo of infant despair.
"Please," Leon whispered to no one in particular, his eyes wild as he scanned the empty doorway. "Someone. Anyone. Help."
He tried jiggling. First a gentle bounce, then a more desperate hop, then what could only be described as a panicked squat dance that made his knees crack. Levy paused for one blessed second, hiccupped, and then launched into a fresh wail with renewed vigor.
"Singing," Leon muttered to himself. "They like singing."
What emerged from his throat was something between a lullaby and a death rattle. He didn’t know the words. Did cubs even have lullabies? So he improvised. " Hush, little cubs, please stop your cries, daddy Leon has bags under his eyes. If you don’t sleep, I swear I’ll scream, I haven’t slept since yesterday’s dream. If you’re hungry, Mama’s right there, if you’re cold, I’ve got plenty of fur to spare. If your brother stole your favorite stone, take another one and leave mine alone. Hush, little cubs, close your eyes, why are there tears? I don’t know why. You ate your dinner. You had your milk. You chewed my tail because it’s silky as silk. Please stop crying. Please go to sleep. Daddy Leon is counting sheep. One little sheep... two little sheep... Why are you still awake?! GO TO SLEEP!
The melody wandered through three different keys simultaneously. Niku stopped crying just long enough to stare at him with an expression of profound judgment, then opened his mouth and screamed directly into Leon’s ear canal.
"Okay, faces," Leon decided, his sanity fraying like old rope. "Babies love faces."
He started simple, a gentle smile. Sikai gagged. He escalated to wide eyes and puffed cheeks. Levy’s wails climbed an octave. Desperate now, Leon unleashed his full arsenal: crossed eyes, tongue lolling to his chin, fingers pulling his mouth into a terrifying rictus, eyebrows performing independent gymnastics. He looked like a man having a medical event. A warrior walking past the open window glanced in, froze, and backed away slowly with his hand on his weapon.
"HELP!" Leon bellowed toward the retreating shadow, his monstrous expression somehow becoming more distorted with desperation. "I’M BEING DEFEATED BY THREE POUNDS OF FUR AND SPIT!"
But the warrior was gone, and the cubs, Levy, Niku, and Sikai, had apparently decided that Leon’s face, now melting into something resembling a startled fish crossed with a thunderstorm, was the funniest thing they had ever witnessed in their one month of existence. They didn’t stop crying. Oh no. They cried harder, great, gasping, delighted wails, tears streaming down tiny furry cheeks, little paws waving in the air as if applauding his complete and utter failure.
"You’re laughing," Leon realized, his crossed eyes tracking from one cub to the next in disbelief. "You’re actually laughing at me. This is funny to you."
Levy hiccup giggled through her tears. Niku blew a spit bubble that popped with accusatory timing. Sikai kicked Leon in the chin with surprising force.
"I used to inflict fear I’ll have you know," Leon informed them, his face still locked in a grotesque grimace because he wasn’t sure what would happen if he stopped. "I have killed lots of enemies. I have negotiated peace treaties. I am a grown man with a title and responsibilities."
He jiggled them again, a pathetic little sway that made his back twinge.
"Please stop crying," he whispered, his warrior’s face crumpling into something genuinely pitiful.
The cubs screamed in perfect three part harmony, a triumphant symphony of infant chaos, and somewhere in the distance, Leon thought he could hear his enemies laughing.
And Aureon... Aureon did not even know what to do. He stood in the corner, making funny faces, contorting his features into expressions that ranged from exaggerated sadness to mock terror, hoping that humor would somehow help. The cubs took one look at him and cried harder.
"Stop!" I finally shouted, my voice cutting through the chaos. "Everyone stop! Nap time! Now!"
The cubs took their midday nap, collapsing into unconsciousness with the suddenness of creatures who had exhausted their own energy, and we all finally had some peace and quiet. The silence was so profound it rang in my ears.
Ravin suggested he would take the older cubs hunting today to give them some fun, some distraction, some way to burn off the grief that was consuming them. I agreed with the desperation of a woman drowning and watched them go with gratitude that bordered on religious fervor.
I spent the day bonding with the newborn cubs, feeding them, holding them, letting them learn my scent, my voice, my heartbeat. They seemed to think I was their mother now, nuzzling against my skin with a trust that broke my heart. Was it because they had not spent much time with their own mother, Rina, that it was so easy for us to bond? Or was it simply that love was love, and they were young enough to accept it wherever it was offered?
Levy was a little meanie, of course. She kept pushing the newborns away from me with her muzzle, wedging her small body between them and my breast, claiming her spot with the fierce entitlement of a princess who knew exactly what she wanted. Niku and Sikai were a bit nicer, but they too got really mean when they were hungry, snarling and snapping at the cheetah cubs if they thought their meal was being delayed.
I had to work extremely hard on the eating portion, consuming enough food to feed a small army, so I could produce enough milk for all these growing babies. My mates watched me eat with a mixture of awe and terror, as if I might start gnawing on the table next.
It was during the evening that Veylan decided to make some roasted mournbull meat for dinner, and I was so thankful for the meal that I did not have to cook myself that I could have wept. Being busy with the newborns and my one month old cubs was a challenge that made every simple task feel like climbing a mountain. Having my mates help me out was very much appreciated, even when their help created more chaos than it solved.
It was finally bath time before bed, and another round of Jasper being very difficult, his brothers deciding that if Jasper could refuse baths, then so could they. My mates dealt with the cubs while I went to Jasper, he was in his man form, I gathered him in my arms, holding him close until his struggles ceased.
"Jasper, baby," I whispered against his hair, smelling the childish scent of him, feeling his small heart hammering against my chest. "Daddy Soryn had to leave to get better. So that when he gets back, he can take better care of you. He loves you and wants you to understand. Do you want daddy Soryn to be sad that Jasper is being unreasonable and giving mommy and your other daddies a hard time?"
"No," he cried, his voice muffled against my shoulder.
"So can we be a big boy and wait patiently for daddy Soryn? If you do, daddy Soryn would be so happy."
"But I miss him, mommy," Jasper whispered, his tears wetting my skin.
"I do too, sweetie. Every moment of every day. But we have to be strong for daddy Soryn, or he will be sad. Can we do that?"
Jasper sniffled, his small body trembling with the effort of controlling his grief, and then with teary eyes, he whimpered, "Yes. I will be strong."
"Thank you, sweetie," I breathed, holding him tighter, feeling his small arms wrap around my neck with desperate love.
After putting the cubs all to sleep, the house finally quiet, it was my turn to take a bath. Aureon went to the stream to take his, giving me privacy to prepare. Caelion promised to watch the newborn cubs, Leon took the one month olds, and Ravin settled in with the four older ones, telling them a story in his deep, rumbling voice.
Tonight I will complete our bonding.
Butterflies erupted in my stomach as I soaked in the bath, a swarm of them beating against my ribs with frantic wings. The warm water did nothing to calm my racing heart. Will he like what he sees? I looked down at my body beneath the surface, at the softness of my belly, the marks of childbirth, the exhaustion etched into my skin.
He is a lot younger than my other mates. I did the math again, as if it might have changed since the last time I calculated. I am seven years older than he is. Seven years! Geez... I feel like a cougar trying to love on a cub. A hungry, desperate cougar who has been waiting too long and might accidentally devour the poor boy.
I splashed water on my face, trying to calm my racing heart. He chose me, I reminded myself. He waited for me. He loves me.
But oh god, what if I am too much for him? What if I break him?
I rose from the bath and dressed in a simple tunic, my fingers trembling as I dried my hair. Then I walked to Aureon’s room, my bare feet silent on the stone floor. I had only been in his room once before, when we helped him move his belongings and fix the space to his liking. This was the second time I had entered, and somehow it felt more intimate than any bedroom I had ever visited.
I sat on his bed and waited, my nerves reaching new heights with every passing moment. The room smelled of him. I smoothed the furs beneath my palms, then twisted my hands together, then smoothed them again. I could not sit still.
When the door finally opened, I looked up to find Aureon standing there, his hair still damp from his bath, his chest bare, his eyes finding mine with a warmth that made my knees weak. But beneath that warmth, I saw his own nervousness; the slight tremor in his hand where it gripped the doorframe, the quickness of his breath, the way his gaze kept darting to me and then away, as if he could not quite believe I was real.
Seeing him nervous, seeing that he was just as anxious as I was, made my own nerves die down a bit. We were both fumbling in the dark lit only by the dim lantern light, both hoping, both wanting.
He asked from the door, his voice rough with emotion, "Are you ready?"
I looked at him, at his youth and his beauty and his patience, at the desire and the fear warring in his expression. I thought of all the ways this could go wrong, all the ways I could disappoint him or he could disappoint me.
Then I smiled, slow and sure, and I thought; well, if we break each other, at least we will have had fun trying.
"Yes," I said, my voice steady despite the trembling in my heart. "I am ready."
And I reached for him with hands that only shook a little, as the door closed behind him, sealing us in the dark together.
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