Rising Shards

I wanna hold hands with her so freaking bad. What would she do if I held her hand?

The ego on this Oka Ohri chick, I tells ya, nodding along to her own diary entries. At least that was what I was doing trying to deal with everything, looking back on some early crush on Zeta days as I fidgeted in bed, equal parts excited and scared for the beach trip we'd be going on tomorrow. I wasn’t staying up terribly late, just later than Lillia's usual bedtime, so I gave myself a pass for the self-indulgence.

It was clear that I had started crushing on Zeta fairly quickly, and that I had clearly been attracted to her from about the same time. I was a bit past the time I walked in on Zeta in the buff.

Is all I write about Zeta? Am I defining myself by Zeta Faleur? Here’s the challenge, tomorrow I’m gonna write about other stuff going on in my life. And I realize that in not writing about her on purpose I’m still kinda technically writing about her, but still. I must challenge myself. I’m sure she has other things going on than just thinking about me. I won’t even hint at her. Well, unless something really big happens. Then we’ll write about something else the day after.

The next day's entry had my attempt.

Today I went to class. We’re reading this book that uhhhh

I left the rest of the page blank, possibly optimistic I could think about anything other than Zeta (I definitely journaled about things other than her, this was just a very Zeta-focused time in my life!)

OK NOW ALRIGHT. ZETA TIME.

Is it weird to get this hyped up about a person? I know I’ve only known her a little while I suppose (Yes, sorry, diary, I promise I’ll write about other things but right now Zeta’s on my mind)

Remember that time right after we met where she me half of her cookie and it made me want to cry? I wrote something like 'All my friends are nice, so why is it when she’s the one who does something nice it feels that much. Nicer?' I mean I know why now.

Just so I don’t sound like a complete. Something. I decided I should write about things I DON’T like about Zeta.

It shouldn’t be that hard, right? She’s human, she’s imperfect. It’ll help me be less obsessed with her. Maybe.

I know she skips brushing her teeth some nights which is kinda gross. But she does brush in the morning.

She gets a little too defensive about Raina Starlight sometimes? But that’s cute.

Zeta’s really cute. Zeta’s TOO cute, that’s something I don’t like. Or I don’t like that I like so much. I don’t like that she’s so pretty that I stare at her all the time.

This didn’t go as well as I hoped…

OK I got one. She says “Good point” when you make a bunch of points. It’s multiple good points, Zeta!

There. Phew. That was hard to come up with.

Alright things I do like about Zeta:

-She’s really cute

-I love her hair

-She’s very nice

-She's beautiful and funny and her butt is amazing

So my feelings for Zeta were like. Intensely bad. I don't know what I would have done if I worked up the nerve to ask her out and she rejected me when I was this into her.

I knew what entry was coming up next. My hands were a bit shaky just starting to reach to turn the page.

I glanced to the side of my bed, as if me reading a very personal diary entry would wake up Lillia, and I'd see her by me like some horror story character. But the coast was clear.

Just a few days after the incident with Zeta, I was in a similar state to the one I found myself in currently. Unable to think about anything other than my girlfriend and her body, my own self getting warm like I was overheating. It was something I was trying to resist for a lot of reasons, but I couldn't hold back anymore. I’m not ashamed to admit it, but writing about it was kind of difficult.

I think I did something…I don’t know. I think I crossed a line that I’m not sure I should’ve crossed. You can’t tell anyone about this one, diary.

I maybe engaged in some me-related behaviors of the touchy variety while thinking about Zeta.

Do I really have to spell it out more? Sorry, diary, that sounds rude. I don’t want to be rude to you, my trusty companion.

But yes...I was doing that...thinking about Zeta.

She wasn’t in the room at least. There wasn’t anyone in the room, obviously.

I was just alone in my bed, doing some (what else) thinking about Zeta, and our little run. And I got really warm. And thought about her. I thought about what it’d look like to slowly peel her clothes off piece by piece. I thought about her naked again. And what it’d be like to hold her naked. And my hands just…kind of wandered. And then a few minutes later, I had a vision of Zeta pinned to my bed, in various states of undress as I imagined her under me as I. Er. Finished.

I felt so bad right away.

Making matters worse, the next time I saw her I immediately thought about it, and felt even more bad.

But the line has been crossed there, and I can’t really go back from it.

I felt like I’d stabbed someone and stolen their entire family inheritance the day after that. I could barely talk to Zeta, and I’m sure she thought something was wrong with me. It hit me that I never explained myself, nor had Zeta and I had any deeper conversations about this other than the times we confirmed to each other that we both wanted to explore further at some point. I had drafted a few letters stating as such, but they were too embarrassing for even me to reread so they stayed hidden in the pocket in the back of my diary.

My solution back then after my ‘first time pleasuring myself thinking about Zeta’ moment was to try and fail to fight back the guilt. I told myself I wouldn't do it again. That lasted about a day. I remembered that following day fondly, and the way my pen felt heavy in my hand as I documented my crimes (not really crimes, but it kinda felt like it).

Yeah remember how I said that line was crossed? I er. Maybe did the thing I did yesterday. But a few more times today. Still just thinking about her.

I guess it must have brightened my day because Zeta said, “You’re looking super happy today.”

Tesata failed me for a great amount of reasons, but not preparing me for this I’m deciding is one of the bigger ones.

Another astute observation from my past self. My school/orphanage/home most of my life, Tesata, was strict and awful in ways I can barely begin to figure out how to describe. At Tesata, the cornerstone of everything we were taught was that Cani didn’t deserve anything nice, so pleasure obviously fell under it. When I first figured out how to…ya know…I felt incredibly guilty. Like my Cani powers were going to consume me for my sin. They didn’t outright say that would happen, but the implication was there during our minimal Cani health classes. And they said plenty of other things in line enough with it that I could believe it. It had been less than a year since I left that school, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it, there were still things I was unlearning.

Now I wondered the opposite way. If I kept these feelings bottled and closed off, would I have some Cani reaction where I turn into a ball of fire from being so pent up? I accidentally shot out a bunch of petals when I got overwhelmingly fluffy feelings for Zeta in the past, what would I do with this?

I didn’t feel guilty for taking care of my burning feelings on this night, but in the aftermath I did wonder. What would Zeta think if I told her about all of this? What if I shared this part of me that only my diary has gotten, something that we didn’t even dare discuss in our gossip-y vent chats with Lillia?

Can I share it? Would that be OK? I always felt guilty about it. Zeta and I both had to assure each other we liked the other's stares like a hundred times.

Would she hate me if she saw this side of me?

We'd shown each other glimmers of it. The bites, the various grabbings and touchy business we'd done to each other. But I wanted more. We kept walking to the edge of it, then fate pushes us back. But I wanted to dive off of it with Zeta, and see whatever was past that edge.

Maybe we should talk about it, I thought to myself. And in more depth than just calling it ‘stuff,’ like really talk about it.

With some of my tension released, I could at least fall asleep. I wasn't sure what my trip to the beach would bring, but I knew what I wanted out of it.

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