The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 282: Chapter 282 - I Have You

Karen and Angela came around the corner and both stopped.

Roxie was still pressed against Zac’s chest, her hands twisted in the front of his hoodie while his arms stayed around her. Neither of them had moved quickly enough to hide what had almost happened, and there was no point trying now. Karen’s eyes went from Roxie’s face to Zac’s, taking in the tears, the way he still had one arm around her, the fact that Roxie had clearly been crying into his chest.

Angela looked between them. "Are you guys...?"

Roxie pulled away before she could finish.

The loss of his warmth hit immediately. Her hands stayed curled in his hoodie for half a second before she forced herself to let go and stepped back.

Karen stared at both of them. "Are you back together?"

Roxie looked at Zac.

For one stupid second, she wanted him to answer for both of them. She wanted him to say yes and make the last few weeks disappear. She wanted him to say they were done trying to stay apart, done pretending they could keep hurting each other from across hallways and classrooms and still call that better.

Zac looked at her.

He said nothing.

That silence told Roxie everything.

"No."

The word came out quietly, but it hurt worse than she expected.

Karen’s eyebrows pulled together. She looked at Zac, then Roxie, then back at Zac again. "Then what the fuck is this?"

Roxie swallowed.

That was the same question she had been asking him.

Zac dragged a hand over his face. "We were talking."

Karen looked at Roxie’s wet cheeks and then at the space between them where Zac had been holding her seconds ago. "That looked like a very fucking productive conversation."

"Karen," Angela said softly.

"I’m asking."

Roxie rubbed both hands over her face. "Please. I can’t do another fight right now."

Karen’s expression changed immediately. She still looked angry, but most of it disappeared when she really looked at Roxie.

Zac looked at her too.

For a moment Roxie thought he might come closer again.

He didn’t.

"Do you want me to go?"

The question hurt more than it should have.

Earlier, she had told him to leave and he stayed because she was crying. Some part of her had wanted that. She had wanted him to ignore the words and know what she really meant because Zac had always been good at knowing when Roxie was lying about what she needed.

Now he was asking.

Roxie looked at him and felt every part of herself fight against the answer she knew she had to give.

She wanted him to stay. She wanted another minute with him. Another chance for the conversation to turn into something different. Another chance for Zac to finally say he wanted her back badly enough to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong later.

But if he stayed, Roxie already knew what would happen. They would keep talking until one of them broke again. He would touch her. She would let him. Maybe they would kiss. Then Roxie would spend the rest of the day convincing herself that meant something had changed while Zac went home still unsure whether loving her was enough without Tennessee.

Roxie swallowed.

"Yeah."

Zac’s face tightened.

He nodded once. "Okay."

That somehow made it worse.

Roxie bit the inside of her lip as he turned away. What the hell had she expected? That he would suddenly cave because she told him to leave? That he would turn around and say everything else between them no longer mattered?

He walked away.

The urge to call his name came so quickly Roxie almost did it.

She stopped herself.

Zac disappeared around the corner.

Roxie kept staring at the empty space after he was gone until Karen spoke.

"Friends?"

Roxie wiped beneath her eyes. "Apparently."

Karen looked toward the corner. "That man was two inches away from eating your face."

"Karen."

"What?" Karen looked at Angela. "Am I wrong?"

Roxie let out a broken breath that almost became a laugh, but there was nothing funny about any of this.

"I told him we can’t be friends."

That shut Karen up.

Angela stepped closer and touched Roxie’s arm. "He wants to be friends?"

"He wants me in his life." Roxie looked down because saying it out loud made the whole thing sound even worse. "He wants to be around me. He wants to come when I’m upset. He wants to talk to me. Apparently he wants to tell me I’m beautiful when I’m having a breakdown too."

Karen’s face hardened.

Roxie shook her head before she could say anything. "He’s trying. I know he is. He isn’t doing this because he wants to hurt me. That almost makes it worse because every time he shows up, I start thinking maybe he changed his mind."

Angela kept her hand on Roxie’s arm. "He still doesn’t want the relationship back?"

Roxie looked toward the corner again.

"I don’t know. That’s the fucking problem. He says he doesn’t want to lose me. He says he cares about me. He says he wants to stay beside me, but when I ask what that actually means, suddenly he doesn’t know. He wants me close enough that he doesn’t lose me, but he still doesn’t know if he wants us."

Karen nodded slowly. "Then you can’t be friends."

"I know."

The answer came so quickly that both of them looked at her.

Roxie wiped another tear from her cheek. "I know. I can’t sit beside him and pretend it means nothing when he touches me. I can’t hear him tell me I’m beautiful and act like he’s just some guy I used to date. I can’t watch him get jealous over Noah and pretend I don’t notice. I can’t let him keep coming every time I fall apart because every single time he does, I start hoping again."

Angela hesitated. "Were you going to kiss him?"

Roxie went quiet.

Karen closed her eyes. "Jesus Christ."

"He was going to kiss me too."

"I know," Karen said immediately. "That’s the problem."

Roxie glared at her. "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours. Which is why I’m saying it." Karen stepped closer. "You two keep doing the same shit. You break up, then something happens and you end up together again. One of you gets jealous. One of you gets angry. Then you kiss and suddenly both of you are acting like maybe everything is fixed when nothing actually changed."

Roxie wanted to argue.

She couldn’t.

If Karen and Angela had arrived thirty seconds later, Roxie knew exactly what would have happened.

She would have kissed Zac.

Then she would have gone home replaying every second of it, staring at her phone and waiting for him to text. She would have convinced herself the kiss meant he wanted her back.

And Zac would still be somewhere wondering whether Roxie refusing to promise him Tennessee meant she refused a future with him.

Roxie pressed a hand against her stomach.

"I can’t do this anymore."

Angela’s face softened. "The breakup?"

"No." Roxie shook her head. "This. Whatever the fuck we’re doing after it. I can’t keep breaking up with him and then acting like his girlfriend every time one of us gets scared."

Karen watched her for a moment. "Then stop giving him boyfriend privileges."

Roxie looked at her. "What?"

"You heard me. No kissing him. No letting him hold you every time you’re upset. No running to him when something happens. No letting him show up and act like your boyfriend while both of you keep saying you’re broken up."

"That sounds really easy when you say it."

"I never said it was easy."

Angela glanced at Roxie. "And maybe stop deliberately making him jealous."

Roxie turned toward her. "Really?"

Angela held her gaze. "You know I’m right."

Roxie rubbed both hands over her face. "I hate both of you."

Karen barely reacted. "Good. Be mad at us instead of dragging another poor guy into whatever you and Zac are doing."

Roxie dropped her hands and glared at her.

Karen didn’t even blink.

For several seconds none of them spoke.

Then Roxie looked back toward where Zac had gone.

"I still want him."

Angela’s voice softened. "We know."

"I still want him back."

Karen folded her arms. "That part is painfully obvious."

Roxie swallowed around the pressure building in her throat again.

"But I can’t keep trying to make him come back."

Neither of them said anything.

Roxie looked down at her hands.

"I can’t keep making him jealous. I can’t keep kissing him every time he gets close enough. I can’t keep falling apart and letting him be the first person who puts me back together because then I just end up waiting for him to choose me again."

Karen’s expression softened.

Roxie wiped underneath her eyes. "If he wants me, he has to decide that himself. I can’t keep dragging him back every time he tries to leave."

Angela hooked her arm through Roxie’s.

"How do you feel?"

Roxie looked toward the school buildings.

Somewhere inside, people could already be talking about Claire. By the time Roxie walked back through those doors, more people might know. They might stare. They might whisper. Somebody might say something directly to her face.

She still cared.

She hated that she cared.

She had spent years making sure nobody at Briarwick knew enough about her to decide she didn’t belong there. One conversation with Zac wasn’t going to erase that fear.

But he had been right about one thing.

None of those people actually knew her.

They knew whatever Bianca told them about Claire.

They didn’t know how many nights Roxie stayed awake waiting for her mother to come home. They didn’t know she worked while keeping her grades up. They didn’t know what it took to get into Briarwick or what it took to stay there.

They could talk.

Roxie was still going to hate every fucking second of it.

But maybe she didn’t have to destroy herself trying to control every word that came out of their mouths.

She looked at Karen and Angela beside her.

"I still have you two, right?"

Karen’s face softened. "Unfortunately."

Angela tightened her arm around Roxie’s. "You’re stuck with us."

Roxie’s eyes burned again.

"Good."

Karen looked toward the school. "If somebody says anything to your face, you come get us."

Roxie gave her a tired look. "You’re not fighting anybody."

"I didn’t say I was."

Angela looked at Karen. "Your face did."

Karen ignored her.

Roxie looked back once toward the corner where Zac had disappeared.

He was still gone.

Her chest hurt.

She still wanted him back.

She still wished he had turned around and chosen her.

But wanting Zac wasn’t going to make Roxie chase after him again.

If he wanted her, he had to come back because he decided he wanted all of her, including the future she couldn’t promise yet.

Until then, Roxie had Karen on one side and Angela on the other.

She wasn’t okay.

She wasn’t over him.

But she wasn’t alone either.

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