The Captain's Dirty Little Secret

Chapter 283: Chapter 283 - Why Are You Here?

By the time Roxie got home, she felt completely fucking drained.

She dropped her bag beside the couch, kicked off her shoes and stood there for a while with her phone still in her hand. Karen and Angela had offered to come home with her, but Roxie told them she wanted some time alone. After having them beside her for most of the day, that had sounded like a good idea.

But now, the bungalow was too quiet, and Roxie hated it almost immediately.

She looked down at her phone.

Nothing from Zac.

Her chest tightened before she could stop it.

This was what she had asked for. She told him to leave. She had spent half the afternoon thinking about what they talked about. They can’t keep going back to each other without Zac deciding what they really are.

She couldn’t keep making him jealous.

She couldn’t keep kissing him every time he got close enough.

She couldn’t keep falling apart until he was holding her again.

If he wanted her, he had to choose her because he actually wanted the relationship back.

Her thumb moved over his name anyway. Roxie stared at the call button until her eyes started burning again.

She wanted to hear his voice.

She wanted to ask where he was. She wanted to tell him she was home. She wanted to complain about how shitty the day had been until Zac came over and somehow made the bungalow feel less empty.

And if she called him now, she would be doing exactly what she had promised herself she would stop doing.

"Fuck."

Roxie locked the screen and dropped the phone onto the couch before she could change her mind.

She went into the kitchen because she had barely eaten, opened the refrigerator and stared inside without really seeing anything worth the effort. Eventually she shut it again and reached for the cabinet where she kept chips and crackers.

Then she noticed the pan sitting on the stove.

Her hand stopped on the cabinet door.

It was just a fucking pan.

Roxie stared at it anyway, and suddenly Zac was standing in her kitchen again in her head, sleeves pushed up while he complained that she never had enough real food in the house. But he somehow always found something to cook anyway.

And she would sit on the counter while he worked, reaching around him to steal whatever he was making until he got irritated and told her to get out of his kitchen.

Her kitchen.

He had started calling it his without either of them really noticing.

Roxie swallowed hard.

At the time, it had been nothing. It was just another stupid thing he said while cooking dinner.

Now, the memory made her chest ache so badly she had to look away from the stove.

She missed him opening the cabinets without asking where anything was. She missed hearing him complain that she survived on snacks and coffee. She missed sitting in the living room and hearing him moving around in the kitchen like he had always belonged there.

The breakup had taken the huge things from her first.

His kisses.

Sleeping beside him.

Being able to call him hers.

Now, apparently it was taking stupid things too.

Dinner.

A pan.

The sound of somebody moving around her kitchen.

Roxie pressed her lips together when tears slipped down her cheeks.

"Jesus fucking Christ."

She wiped them away angrily, grabbed the chips and returned to the living room before she completely lost it because Zac wasn’t there to cook for her anymore.

The television went on because she needed noise. Roxie curled into the corner of the couch and stared at some show she couldn’t follow while eating directly from the bag.

Her phone stayed beside her.

She kept looking at it.

Still nothing.

That was good.

Someone knocked on the door.

Roxie’s heart jumped so violently that she sat upright.

She immediately hated herself for the name that came into her head.

It could be Karen.

Angela.

Mr. Robinson.

Anybody.

Another knock came.

Then she heard his voice.

"Roxie."

Her eyes closed.

Fuck.

She stayed on the couch for several seconds, her heart beating hard enough that she could feel it in her throat. Some part of her wanted to leave him standing outside just to prove she could.

Instead, she got up.

By the time Roxie reached the door, she already felt like crying again. He’s here. God. He’s here.

She opened it halfway.

Zac stood on the porch wearing the same hoodie from school. His hair looked messier than before, and the dark circles beneath his eyes made it obvious he hadn’t spent the afternoon feeling any better than she had.

Roxie tightened her hand around the edge of the door.

"What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

"We already talked."

"I know."

"No, Zac. We really fucking talked." Roxie’s voice started shaking almost immediately. "I cried until my head hurt. You cried. I told you to leave, and for once you actually listened. So, what else is there?"

Zac looked at her for a long moment before dragging both hands over his face. "I went home and tried to leave it alone. But I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said."

Roxie’s stomach tightened.

"What part?"

"The part where you asked if I could actually be your friend."

She stared at him.

Zac looked down at the porch for a second before meeting her eyes again.

"I can’t."

The words hit harder than Roxie expected.

She tightened her grip on the door because her stupid heart was already trying to turn that into something bigger.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I kept thinking about what friendship with you would actually look like, and I can’t fucking do it. I can’t sit there while you go to Sweetheart with Noah and pretend I don’t care. I can’t listen to you talk about some guy you start liking later and act happy because at least I still get to have you in my life. I can’t come when you’re crying, hold you, tell you everything I want to tell you and then go home pretending that’s enough for me."

Roxie’s eyes started burning.

"Zac."

"I thought it could be enough because losing you completely scared the shit out of me."

Her jaw tightened.

"So you wanted to keep me close."

"Yeah."

"Without actually being with me."

Zac swallowed.

Roxie’s anger came back so fast that the tears followed immediately. "You’re a dick. You want all the privileges and none of the labels. Karen was right." She tried to breathe deep, but it felt like her heart was in her throat. Karen was right. "We can’t keep doing this."

"I know we can’t and I know how fucked up that sounds."

"Now you do?"

"Rox."

"No. You stood there today asking me to be your friend after holding me while I fucking cried. You almost kissed me, Zac. You knew I still loved you. You knew exactly what you were doing to me, and somehow friendship was still the answer."

"I was trying to figure out some way where I didn’t lose you."

"And I told you I can’t fucking live like that."

"I know."

Roxie wiped at her cheeks, already frustrated by how quickly she was crying again. "So, if you came here to tell me you miss me, go home. I already know you miss me. If you came here to say you want me in your life, I know that too. You said all of that today. I can’t listen to a repeat of the same shit."

"This isn’t the same."

Roxie froze.

"Then what the fuck is it?"

Zac stared at her.

For the first time since she opened the door, he seemed almost afraid to say whatever had brought him there.

Roxie felt her stomach twist.

Then Zac swallowed.

"I don’t want to be your friend."

She stopped breathing for a second.

"I don’t want some halfway version of you just because I’m scared of everything that could happen later. I don’t want to stand beside you while you move on and tell myself I should be grateful because at least you still talk to me. I don’t want to pretend watching somebody else have you wouldn’t fucking destroy me."

Roxie’s tears spilled over.

Zac stepped closer, then stopped himself before reaching the doorway.

"You told me today that I had to decide."

Roxie could barely breathe around the pressure in her chest.

"I did."

"So I did."

Her lips parted.

"What did you decide?"

Zac’s eyes stayed on hers.

"I want you back."

Roxie stared at him.

There it was.

The thing she had wanted to hear every fucking day since the breakup.

She had imagined Zac saying it in Chemistry. She had imagined him saying it after the storage room. She had imagined him showing up at her house exactly like this and finally telling her he had made a mistake.

She thought hearing it would make her happy.

Instead, her face crumpled.

"Why?"

Zac frowned. "Rox."

"No." Roxie wiped at the tears, but they kept coming. "Why now? You wanted me this afternoon. You wanted me in that storage room. You wanted me when we broke up."

Zac’s face tightened.

"You loved me when you broke up with me."

"I know."

"That’s what I can’t get out of my fucking head." Her voice broke. "You loved me. You were crying too. You looked like breaking up with me was killing you, and you still fucking did it."

Zac looked away for a second.

Roxie couldn’t let him escape it.

"You wanting me wasn’t enough before. Loving me wasn’t enough before. You were completely fucking miserable and you still walked away from me. So what am I supposed to do with you standing here saying you want me now?"

"I fucked up."

"That isn’t enough."

"I know."

"Stop saying you know!"

Zac went quiet.

Roxie pressed a hand against her chest because the pain there suddenly felt too big. "Do you know what you did to me? I kept waiting for you to come back because I couldn’t understand how you could still love me and choose to leave anyway. Every time you looked at me at school, I thought maybe you changed your mind. Every time you got jealous, I thought maybe it meant you were going to come back. Then you kissed me in that fucking storage room and I went home replaying it over and over because I thought maybe this was finally it."

Her breathing hitched.

"And then nothing changed."

Zac’s eyes were wet now.

"I know I hurt you."

"You broke my fucking heart."

"I know."

"You don’t get to keep saying that like it makes it better."

"It doesn’t."

Roxie wiped both cheeks angrily. "Then tell me why I should believe you now."

Zac stayed quiet long enough that panic started crawling into her chest.

She shook her head.

"See? You don’t even know."

"No, I know why I’m here." His voice came out rougher now. "I just don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to make you trust me tonight after I already gave you every reason to be scared."

That stopped her.

Zac dragged a hand through his hair.

"I loved you when I broke up with you. You’re right. Loving you isn’t what changed because I never stopped. I broke up with you because I was scared."

Roxie’s jaw tightened.

"I heard you say you didn’t know about Tennessee and all I could think was that I already had this whole future planned with you while you weren’t even sure you wanted to go. I kept thinking eventually you were going to choose something else. Some other school. Some other life. And I’d be standing there after falling completely fucking in love with you while you figured out I wasn’t part of what you wanted anymore."

Roxie stared at him through wet eyes.

"So you left first."

Zac looked down.

The answer sat there between them.

"You were scared I might break your heart someday, so you broke mine before I even had the chance."

His face changed.

Roxie stepped closer to the doorway, anger mixing with the hurt all over again.

"I didn’t leave you, Zac. I didn’t choose somebody else. I didn’t even choose another school. I told you I didn’t know where I wanted to go because I genuinely had no fucking idea, and you decided that meant someday I was going to stop choosing you."

"I know."

"You punished me for something I hadn’t even done yet."

Zac closed his eyes.

When he opened them again, tears had started gathering.

"Yeah."

The simple admission hurt worse than an argument would have.

Roxie’s lips trembled. "That was so fucking cruel."

"I know."

"And I still wanted you back."

Zac’s face broke.

Roxie pressed both hands against her face for a moment before lowering them. "I hate how much I want you."

Zac’s voice cracked. "I hate how much I hurt you."

"That doesn’t fix it."

"I know it doesn’t."

"Then how can I be sure you won’t do this again?"

Zac looked at her.

Roxie waited.

She needed him to promise.

She needed him to tell her there was no possibility he would ever leave again because anything less felt like handing him a weapon and hoping he had learned not to use it.

Zac’s eyes dropped.

"You can’t."

Roxie felt her chest cave in.

She stepped backward.

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