There lay a pile of flowers, each symbolizing the day you were born.
I quietly gazed at the photo of your face in the middle of them.
Your face was stoic.
I heard they had trouble finding any photos of you smiling. It wasn’t surprising, since you rarely smiled unless you were alone with me.
My arms, bearing the chief mourner armband for the second time, felt heavy.1
But I had to remain in place silently, without revealing anything.
“Hyung, I’m sorry…….”
“We should have been keeping better watch over him.”
On the day Seo Yuseong went missing, the members who had been with him kept blaming themselves, unable to even lift their heads. I knew that if I showed them how utterly broken I was, it would only deepen the guilt they felt, so I had no choice but to hold it together.
Once again, my father didn’t show up at the funeral.
When it happened at my mother’s funeral, I assumed he ran away because it was too hard for him to bear, but he didn’t come to Seo Yuseong’s funeral simply because their relationship was worse than that of strangers.
“Why would I go there? If that bastard had ever considered me his parent, I wouldn’t be saying this.”
After saying something like that, he had the audacity to argue with me in the end, wanting to take Seo Yuseong’s inheritance. It was the kind of story others would laugh at if they knew. Everyone would say that our father dying in the same accident as Seo Yuseong was nothing but karma.
I didn’t say anything and left my father behind.
I didn’t even have the strength left to argue that Seo Yuseong was his son.
For a man who usually boasted a monstrous stamina, I was completely drained that day because, even though the search began immediately after the missing person report was filed, Seo Yuseong was not found for an unusually long time.
“The weather has made the sea too rough for a smooth search. The water has risen, so there aren’t many traces left either. But we won’t give up hope and will keep searching.“
During that time, I went through hell. As they said, misfortunes never come singly. My cat, who wasn’t even sick, suddenly died around that time, and I couldn’t sleep at all. It wasn’t that I was forcing myself to stay awake; I simply couldn’t sleep, as if my brain was completely alert. The saying ‘the mind leads the body‘ couldn’t have been truer.
For the first few days, I convinced myself that he had just gotten into an accident and was temporarily unable to move, that he would recover soon and return to my side. Clinging to that unrealistic possibility until the very end, I obsessively used the word ‘missing‘ when referring to Seo Yuseong.
“…Seo Yuseong will come back.”
Even my acquaintances started using the word ‘missing‘ when referring to Seo Yuseong after that. I still don’t know whether they did it to hold on to hope, just like I did, or if they were merely humoring me to avoid provoking a person who was clearly not in a normal state.
After some more time had passed, people began to talk more realistically about the situation.
They said that unless the body was found, he could not be declared dead.
Even a declaration of presumed death2 required a long waiting period. The waiting period could have been shorter if his disappearance had been due to war or some other disaster, but since that wasn’t the case for Seo Yuseong, it was a full five years. That meant I had to endure the emptiness of his absence for five years, without even having official confirmation that Seo Yuseong was gone.
‘If he’s really dead, I just wish we could find his body.’
Around the time I started having such a thought, I received the news.
“He has been found.”
“Perhaps it’s better not to force yourself to see it. The condition is quite…….”
“…….”
When I came to my senses, a sea dyed black stretched before me.
It was the place that had swallowed Seo Yuseong, and it was also the place where I had my last conversation with my father.
I wondered where I had been trying to go as I aimlessly moved my legs, only to realize that I had been searching for this place.
‘What did I say to Jay?’
I couldn’t bear the thought of being seen by others. I wasn’t confident I could control my expression, so I must have blurted out whatever to get Jay to leave.
‘They’re bound to be worried … I need to go back quickly.’
I wasn’t in my right mind right now.
I kept thinking that I had to get back before it got too late, but my body was strangely moving in the opposite direction.
‘I’ve only just reunited with the Prism members.’
I heard a splashing sound at my feet.
It was the sound of the waves lapping at my feet.
‘I have to check the charnel house too…….’
I started wading, one step at a time, into the deserted sea.
Then, I gazed at the wide expanse of the sea before me with empty eyes. Even in my dazed state, I felt a strange familiarity with it, which made me realize I had lost count of how many times I’d been here before.
No, there was no need to figure it out.
The moment I learned of Seo Yuseong’s death, it was like a trigger had been pulled, and all my memories came flooding back.
Some moments that I thought were strange began to make sense.
“That only applies during the day. During the day, you say you’re too lazy to type and ask people to call you instead, so it’s really strange how you always end up glued to your phone at dawn.”
I was the type of person who wouldn’t even glance at my phone unless something important came up that required my attention or if I was expecting a message from the Prism members or Choi Jeokhyeon. When I couldn’t sleep, I usually just stared out the window. But the way Do Yuda described me, it sounded like I was a phone addict, compulsively checking it every dawn.
Every time I heard him say things like that, I thought Do Yuda was exaggerating, but he wasn’t.
Do Yuda was right.
Every morning at dawn, I was looking up Seo Yuseong’s name.
[Singer Seo Yuseong, Found Dead on the Beach]
I read articles about Seo Yuseong, forgot them, then read them again, and forgot them again—over and over.
All the memories I had lost were related to Seo Yuseong’s death.
As soon as my memories returned, I instinctively realized it.
The truth that ability had been hiding all along was none other than Seo Yuseong’s death.
Remembering that Seo Yuseong had died didn’t make me scream in shock or break down in a dramatic outburst. My brain accepted his death with astonishing ease, as if it was nothing more than a fact I had already known all along.
If there was anything that had changed, it was simply that I had returned to the state I was in before I died.
“You’re so fine, Yutae-ya.”
Choi Jeokhyeon must have been afraid of this situation.
Looking back on Choi Jeokhyeon’s strange behavior, it seemed he had been desperate to hide anything about Seo Yuseong from me.
“Seo Yuseong might believe me, but right now, I don’t want to burden him.”
“…Are you serious?”
He must have realized then that I had forgotten about Seo Yuseong’s death. There I was, rambling on about keeping my identity secret from my already dead younger brother. I wondered what Choi Jeokhyeon was thinking as he watched me at that moment.
I had no intention of questioning why he had never told me the truth. Because Choi Jeokhyeon was the only person who knew that I had never gotten over Seo Yuseong’s death.
“…You have to live. You must live. Please, Yutae-ya…….”
When I tried to recall the memories after Seo Yuseong’s death, everything was blurry. Unlike before, these memories weren’t erased by Han Seungbeom’s ability. It was simply that I had drifted through those days meaninglessly, as if I were dead back then, leaving no significant memories behind.
In the scattered fragments of memories, I was always in one place: Choi Jeokhyeon’s other house.
The house seemed to mirror all his anxieties; all the windows were boarded up, and it was a peculiar house with not a single bathtub or knife in sight. The front door was always locked, and sometimes, even the door to the room I was in would be locked.
I never resented Choi Jeokhyeon for confining me there, nor did I ever reject his actions. I knew that if I didn’t go along with it, I couldn’t be sure what I might impulsively do without even realizing it.
Now, I remembered all the details of my end.
‘If anything, Choi Jeokhyeon should be the one resenting me.’
He went to such lengths, and yet, in the end, I…….
‘Was this why Han Seungbeom erased my memories? Because he was afraid I might die again?’
I often had this question in mind, recalling the image of a white cat sleeping with its chin resting on Seo Yuseong’s thigh.
As my breathing grew more and more shallow, I looked up and saw the gloomy sky was filled with a dense array of stars. The sight was so impossibly unreal that it stirred a strange sense of longing in me. Just as I was lost in that feeling, I suddenly heard someone call my name.
“SEO YUTAE!”
Immediately after, with a sharp sound like something splashing in the water, a large hand grabbed my arm and began dragging me back the way I’d come.
When I turned my head toward the sound, I saw Choi Jeokhyeon standing there.
My first thought was to wonder how he knew I was here, but I quickly understood. Choi Jeokhyeon was the only person who had seen me come and go from this place countless times.
My small, fragile body—pathetically so compared to Choi Jeokhyeon’s—was dragged out to a shallow area where the water barely reached my thighs. Only then did I start gasping for air, coughing harshly, and soon after, I heard Choi Jeokhyeon’s voice.
“It’s okay, it’s okay…….”
In the dead of winter, I came into the sea out of the blue.
Even after seeing all the things I did that even I didn’t understand, Choi Jeokhyeon didn’t get angry or yell at me. He was so gentle, almost as if he were soothing a child. It felt like he’d been through situations like this many times before, or at least imagined them.
Seeing him, I snapped out of my frozen state and realized what I had been doing. In shock, I started blurting out apologies, one after another, like a madman. But Choi Jeokhyeon just shook his head and repeated, “It’s okay”, just as many times.
“Why did you come here alone … Let’s go back. You hate the cold.”
To Choi Jeokhyeon’s question, I was about to reply, ‘I don’t know either.’
But just as I was about to force out those words, something else slipped out, as if I were possessed.
“…To find.”
“…What?”
“My Yuseong, I’m trying to find him.”
They’ve already found the body.
I knew that truth perfectly well, yet my mouth moved on its own.
“Seo Yuseong is afraid of deep water…….”
And then, I repeated the exact same words I’d said to Lee Hwayoung on the day he discovered my identity. At that, Choi Jeokhyeon’s face twisted in an instant, and he grabbed hold of me.
“…You know this, Yutae-ya. No matter how hard you try to find Seo Yuseong here, it’s meaningless now.”
“…….”
“Because they already found the body. You saw it with your own eyes, and you even witnessed the cremation. Seo Yuseong is in the charnel house.”
At those words, laying reality bare, I squeezed my eyes shut and hunched over. As I gasped for air, I swatted away the hands trying to steady me. Just then, beyond the surface of the water, I thought I caught a glimpse of Seo Yuseong’s face. But as the waves rippled, that face gradually shifted into mine, hauntingly similar to his.
I stared at it and continued speaking.
“…Why am I still alive?”
I didn’t wish for death.
I wished to live.
That’s why I died.
Because death seemed to be the greatest revenge I could give myself for failing to protect Seo Yuseong.
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Translator’s Corner:
It’s a really really hard job to do. Especially if you consider Yutae literally has no other family to help him. The duties are including things like welcoming and greeting mourners during the funeral and farewell ceremony, guarding the funeral home until the deceased is laid to rest, and following the coffin when transporting it to the cemetery, comforting the deceased’s spirit and sending it off until it is laid to rest. Can you imagine doing all this thing when you’re in a shaken state … I personally experienced it once (since all the other family members are hysterical and crying themselves to exhaustion) and it’s really not recommended.
There were even cases when the chief mourner faints due to mental pressure during the previous process and is taken to the hospital emergency room to receive an IV drip and then returns to the funeral home. In other cases, the funeral is held safely, but the physical fatigue and mental stress accumulated during the funeral lead to hospitalization for a day or two after the funeral. In extreme cases, the mourner could due to mental shock during the funeral,
resulting in two consecutive funerals (연상).
For Yutae’s funeral, since he has no family left, and CJH didn’t attend the funeral, the members of Prism must have taken that role. ↩︎
Such a presumption is typically made by an individual when a person has been missing for an extended period and in the absence of any evidence that person is still alive—or after a shorter period, but where the circumstances surrounding a person’s disappearance overwhelmingly support the belief that the person is dead (e.g., an airplane crash). ↩︎
My song’s recommendation for this … Red Velvet – One of These Nights (watch the lyrics translated video, the lyrics are really fitting)
We’re back to chapter 1 … ahahaha … I’m definitely not crying…. but tbh, this chapter alone makes this novel be my favorite #1 novel like … i really love the way it was written, we returned to the first chapter …..
Anyway, I’ll compile my favorite moments that haven’t been mentioned in this chapter (although some of you already noticed it)
This kind of hyperventilation syndrome could resurface at any time unless the anxiety and stress that pushed him to the edge are resolved. And if he didn’t have the good fortune of having someone he could rely on by his side, like today, the situation would quickly worsen. Just like I did in my previous life.
— Chapter 37
“First of all, we need to keep an eye on Prism and Raize. Prism, how many years have they been active? How long do we have to worry about their comeback timing? Seriously … they’ve had so many incidents, and they’ve gone through two accidents, yet they’re still active in the industry. It’s really impressive.”
— Chapter 132
‘Come to think of it, the two demo songs that Cha Woon played for us on Survive IDOL didn’t have Seo Yuseong’s voice in them. Why was that?’
— Chapter 133
‘If Yuseong-hyung had been by your side instead of me, would things have been a little better? If that were the case, hyung, maybe you too.…’
— Chapter 141
On the floor lay a shattered picture frame that had fallen during the fight. Through the sharp cracks in the glass, a photo of Prism, smiling brightly, was visible. Only after taking in the two radiant faces in the center did Cha Woon finally manage to pull himself up.
— Chapter 141
‘That rascal, even if he’s not a talker, isn’t he being too quiet?’
— Chapter 153
[“To Cha Woon-hyung, who’s been struggling to handle our difficult members. To Chise-hyung, whom I’m always proud of and who is always a reliable support. To Inchan, who works so hard that I always worry about him. To Yuseong, whom I really miss a lot … and to our youngest, Jay, whom I want to look up to. I want to thank all of you. Let’s stay together forever, Prism.”]
— Chapter 181
I sometimes made impulsive wrong choices, and every time, the only person who could stop me was Seo Yuseong. Was it because Seo Yuseong wasn’t by my side at the time that this happened?
— Chapter 185
“And the wonder, if Han Seungbeom dies, I will be able to come back someday? As long as that slightest possibility lingers in you, you will never be able to lay a hand on my members. It will be impossible for you to harm yourself either. If anything happens to your safety, I will immediately become a wreck. It’s completely irrational, just like you said.”
Choi Jeokhyeon’s face twisted in even greater distress at the word ‘wreck‘. His hand, which was holding my arm, began to tremble as if he was having a seizure.
— Chapter 191
“If only that incident hadn’t happened, Jo Inchan wouldn’t have made that slip-up, and then our hyung wouldn’t have left. If we had stayed together, things might have been different right now. If Yutae-hyung had been by our side at that time, maybe no one would have died. I am the one who brought this all upon us.”
— Chapter 207
oh that’s a lot … and i have only included things i remember without trying…. anyway, now you guys got the answer
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