Seo Yuseong and I were brothers with a four-year age gap. Since my birthday was quite early in the year, the difference might have felt a bit larger than usual. Having a younger sibling with such a significant age gap was something that someone who hadn’t experienced it firsthand could never truly understand.
“Right? There’s a baby in here. Yutae’s little brother is here.”
I had waited for Seo Yuseong’s birth even before he came into the world, pressing my lips to my mother’s belly in anticipation. I spent my time imagining what kind of personality this little life, who would share my surname, resemble my face, and carry the same generation name1, might have and what he might come to love.
“Oh my goodness, did you hear that? Byul said ‘Hyung’ before ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’! Mom feels a bit upset!”
“Yutae loves Yuseong so so much that it seems Yuseong felt it too.”
Having a younger sibling with a four-year age gap meant witnessing every moment of that child’s early life; from their first cries as a newborn to crawling across the floor, taking their first steps, and finally speaking their first words.
“Byul-ah, your hyung will always protect you.”
I always used to say such words while looking at young Seo Yuseong.
The words ‘like my own child‘ weren’t enough to describe it.
“Yutae-ya, it’s okay. Mom will feed Yuseong. Yutae can just go ahead and finish Yutae’s food, okay?”
If Seo Yuseong hadn’t been there, I would have lost a significant part of the habits I have today. The way I love someone would have been different, and perhaps I might have lived an entirely different life. So, Seo Yuseong could be considered the person who left the biggest mark on my life. And I believe he’d say the same about me.
Someone once said that the deepest love was the one you would die for. That you have to cherish them so deeply that you would abandon the most primal, instinctive desire to prioritize your own survival.
If that was true, I had already proven it.
When Seo Yuseong was still in the lower grades of elementary school, there was a time he fell into the water. The moment I found out, I threw myself in without hesitation and pulled him out. He had always been the kind of kid who did dangerous things without a second thought, so by then, I was already somewhat used to incidents and accidents. But that time, I truly felt that if I had been even a second too late, Seo Yuseong might have died.
“I promised you, didn’t I? Your hyung will always protect you. So, don’t worry.”
It might have been from that moment that Seo Yuseong first recognized me as someone essential to his survival. That alone was enough for me. Even if the love I poured into him was never returned, I loved him so much that I was happy just to be able to give it.
“Don’t go near the water again. Promise me.”
“…Okay, I promise.”
Since then, my mother often said that the reason I was so protective of Seo Yuseong was because of that incident, but I didn’t think so. I would have cherished Seo Yuseong just as much even if that incident hadn’t occurred.
Seo Yuseong had simply been that kind of existence to me from the moment he was born.
That’s why I resented myself to death for failing to protect Seo Yuseong.
“Because they already found the body. You saw it with your own eyes, and you even witnessed the cremation. Seo Yuseong is in the charnel house.”
Choi Jeokhyeon wasn’t saying this to me out of malice. He probably thought that if he told me the truth, I’d stop my irrational search for Seo Yuseong’s body. Those words were spoken for my own good.
I knew Choi Jeokhyeon … Just like Seo Yuseong, he struggled—if only slightly more than others—to understand other people’s emotions. So, I simply squeezed my eyes shut and took slow, steady breaths. I repeated the words “It’s okay” that he had said to me, over and over again.
“Why won’t you let us see! Are you afraid we’ll be shocked?”
“Hyung, you said he’s missing ……. I can’t accept it when we haven’t even seen any proof!”
The members of Prism never got to see it until the very end.
I didn’t let them see it.
They told me that drowned bodies, especially those that were found at sea, were often severely disfigured. Even if it was the body of someone you loved, the sight of it could leave you traumatized for life. They said that some people even vomit on the spot from the sheer horror. So, I decided to bear it alone. Choi Jeokhyeon, of course, wouldn’t be affected no matter how gruesome the scene was. But if he came in, I’d lose the justification for keeping the Prism members out, and that wouldn’t do.
“…This, is this really Seo Yuseong?”
When I first saw it, I asked if it was really Seo Yuseong.
I had never failed to recognize Seo Yuseong until then.
Even at entrance or graduation ceremonies, where hundreds of students wore the same uniform, or at a funeral, where everyone was dressed in black, I had never once failed to spot Seo Yuseong right away. But when I looked at it, I felt like I was staring at something that had nothing to do with me.
I still didn’t quite know why I was so adamant in my denial.
It might have been an instinctive sense of rejection, or perhaps I just wanted to deny reality.
“The identification has already been completed. I’m sorry.”
But when I was met with a dry, matter-of-fact gaze that seemed all too familiar with these reactions from bereaved families, along with the realistic response that “There are many factors beyond appearance that can be used to identify a person“, I had no choice but to let go of the denial I had been clinging to so desperately.
Everyone was exhausted from the long search and the excessive public attention.
I didn’t want to pass the weight I had to bear onto someone else with a clumsy attempt at avoidance.
“…….”
I must become stronger than anyone else.
I must not crumble in weakness.
…Why?
It was a given.
Because I was the only one who could understand Seo Yuseong, who was different from most people. Because ever since our father started neglecting our family, if I didn’t keep my head straight, Seo Yuseong’s life would fall apart. Because in this cruel world, I was the only one who could protect Seo Yuseong.
Because I had to protect Seo Yuseong, my younger brother, who was more precious to me than my own life…….
“My brother loved our mother so much. If I hadn’t been there, would he have been able to get back on his feet so quickly after her death?”
“Actually, I’m kind of happy about it. Because it means my brother needs me just as much as I need him.”
But without Seo Yuseong, what am I supposed to do?
It horrified me to realize that I, who had failed to protect Seo Yuseong, had dared to dream of returning to the stage and finding happiness again with those I cherish.
‘…Useless bastard. Selfish bastard.’
That thought made it hard to breathe.
“…Why am I still alive?”
The weight of that was heavier than when the water was over my chin, and as those words slipped out, I felt my heart, long since withered, crumble to dust.
“Hyung.”
Just then, I heard Seo Yuseong’s voice calling me, and I started to breathe more easily.
“…….”
When I looked at the surface of the sea, I saw Seo Yuseong’s face, and the thought crossed my mind that if I just let myself sink, even my mind—broken and crawling with an unpleasant, insect-like sensation—might finally find peace. As I stared dazedly into the depths, the hand I had just pushed away hesitated for a moment before gripping me with unyielding strength, impossible to shake off, and pulling me upward.
“No.”
When I slowly shifted my gaze toward him, I saw his crimson eyes, widened to their limit, glinting with a dangerous intensity. Then, I heard his warning, spoken low and deliberate, each word bitten off like a threat.
“I will never tolerate this, Seo Yutae.”
As I let it pass by helplessly, his voice, once sharp with anger, began to tremble, as if reflecting his growing anxiety.
“You said it yourself. You wanted to be happy with the Prism members ……. that you wanted to stand on stage again in your own body. Do you remember how brightly you shone when you were on stage? How happy you looked when you smiled? The happiness you longed for is right there, just within reach. If you just pretend you don’t know that Seo Yuseong is dead, you can be happy again. The members of Prism, you, me … all of us can be happy.”
“Yuseong-hyung passed away a few years ago, in an accident!”
As the angry shouts gradually shifted into a desperate plea, I remembered the reason I had managed to hold on for so long after Seo Yuseong’s death. It was because of Choi Jeokhyeon. I simply couldn’t bring myself to die in front of him, not with that look on his face, not while he was clinging to me this desperately.
So, when Choi Jeokhyeon asked me to go with him to a ‘safe place‘, I didn’t refuse and followed him. I thought that if it offered him even a sliver of comfort, I should just go along with what he wanted.
It probably won’t change in this life either. But I still don’t see the meaning in repeating that time again. This was something beyond my will. No matter how hard I tried to overcome it, the crushing guilt of failing to protect Seo Yuseong would hit me without warning, driving me to act on impulse. As long as Seo Yuseong doesn’t come back, I’ll stay in this state. Doesn’t that mean Choi Jeokhyeon will have to endure the same pain all over again?
With these thoughts, I slowly closed my eyes. Choi Jeokhyeon, in despair, let out a shaky breath and couldn’t say a word. I watched his eyes dart around in desperation and was about to ask, ‘Haven’t you grown tired of all this by now?‘
But the moment I opened my mouth, Choi Jeokhyeon covered it.
Unconsciously, shiver ran down my spine. As I slowly looked up, I saw a face flushed with joy, as if he had just found the answer to an impossible riddle.
“Alas, Han Seungbeom is such a foolishly kind child that he’d give you his own body … and you cherish such Han Seungbeom so dearly … that makes me so happy.”
After saying that, he burst into laughter so hard his body shook, as if he couldn’t hold it back any longer, before resting his head on my shoulder. Then, after taking a moment to catch his breath, he asked in a quiet voice.
“…Yutae-ya, can you really die in that body?”
Those words made me realize, belatedly, that this body belonged to Han Seungbeom.
If I die in this body, what will happen to Han Seungbeom?Because of me, will he be unable to return to this world forever? As these questions naturally flooded my mind, I heard a whisper, coaxing me along.
“You said Han Seungbeom was like a child to you. He’s only twenty … are you really going to kill him?”
His words, that it was no different from me killing Han Seungbeom, made my breath catch in my throat. Seeing my reaction, Choi Jeokhyeon immediately realized I was shaken, and a bright smile spread across his face.
“You can’t do it, can you?”
The anxiety he’d shown just moments ago had vanished, replaced by a tone brimming with confidence.
“You have to stay alive, no matter what. I don’t care what Seo Yuseong means to you. Even if all you do is breathe, it doesn’t matter. Just hold on to life with everything you have.”
And then, as if my reaction didn’t matter at all, he started rambling like a madman.
“Still, if possible, I wish you would sleep well and take care of your meals properly … so let’s work on that together. Since you said you wanted to give Han Seungbeom’s body back in one piece, I’m sure you’ll do your part. People say time heals all wounds. Maybe we didn’t hold on long enough last time. Let’s endure a little longer this time.”
“…….”
“Ah, right. We should also consider the possibility of you getting your body back. Once that happens, I won’t be able to use Han Seungbeom’s body to threaten you anymore … Do you remember? What I said I’d do if you died again.”
“…Stop, stop it. Don’t!”
I shook my head desperately, trying to stop Choi Jeokhyeon from speaking any further. But he just smiled, his eyes crinkling as he murmured, “I should’ve done this sooner. I warned you, you tend to see me as too good a person.”. Then, he finally said the words.
“If you die, I will die too. This isn’t a request, it’s a threat.”
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Translator’s Corner:
MC’s generation name is 유 (Yu/Yoo). That’s why the brothers are Yutae (유태) and Yuseong (유성).
Putting it in the former or the latter is each family’s own choice. Ex: Minseok & Minji or Jaemin & Taemin.
However, the generation name in this context is 돌림자. It’s a generation name that chosen by the parents. You might ask, ofc it’s chosen by the parents, who else ??? well, there’s 항렬자. It’s also a generation name, but the name is decided by a whole genealogy. It’s kinda complicated since it’s related to clan system in traditional Korea family system, so I’m not going to explain … ↩︎
Happy valentine day! Celebrate this day with this chapter, filled with love from start to finish….
See why Choi Jeokhyeon is the No. 1. Jay, take notes…..
This chapter is late because I was sick yesterday (not a big deal, I, quite literally, have a sunfish body so I got sick often), so all I did was scrolling the comments yesterday and everyone looked like they’re going through five stages of grief …. cheer up …. this is healing ….
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