“Hyung. You were completely unreachable, so even our manager-hyung ended up calling your family…….”
“…Who?”
I couldn’t quite remember what state I was in before I fell asleep, but it felt like all the stability I had struggled to regain crumbled the moment I saw the members’ faces.
The noise became a deafening roar in my ears, and my thoughts became hopelessly tangled once more.
“But instead, someone who said she was your aunt reached out and asked us to let her know if anything happened to Seungbeom-hyung.”
“If you treat my nephew’s body recklessly, I won’t let it slide. Live your life diligently so that you can achieve the happiness that child never had.”
As I dwelled on the words that lingered so stubbornly in my mind, the actions I had committed came rushing back to me.
“You said Han Seungbeom was like a child to you. He’s only twenty … are you really going to kill him?”
‘What if Han Seungbeom’s aunt finds out what I had done?’
‘…Why?’
Out of everyone, why did it have to be her they contacted?
The answer to that question was simple.
Ironically, trying to prevent things from escalating by keeping their families in the dark often caused the situation to spiral even further out of control. This was because investigators would contact families first, especially in cases of serious injury, as they might be needed for support. Knowing this, even Baek Kiryang and Lee Danbi, who had strained relationships with their families, couldn’t stop the manager.
Faced with the risk of not being able to get family assistance versus the risk of making me uncomfortable by involving them, the members chose the latter.
In a situation where someone was missing, it was completely natural to contact the family. In a normal family, that’s what should have been done. And for the company and the other members—Woo Kangwon, Lee Hwayoung, Do Yuda, and Zen—a normal, functioning family was a given.
“I heard that my father cried a lot when the assault scandal broke out last time. Ever since I told him I was quitting my career as an athlete to become an idol, he hasn’t said a word to me … It really surprised me. I guess parents can’t help but care.”
“My mom is coming from Japan to watch the last broadcast!”
“Please take good care of our Yuda, Seungbeom-ah.”
Because that was the only world they had ever known.
Even though there may be hurt feelings, family is family. In the end, when someone faces a life-threatening crisis, family is the one who will do anything for each other.
“You have a younger brother too, so you understand how that feels, right?”
…How could I not know that?
So, I completely understood the members’ decision.
This was the price I had to pay for not even having the peace of mind to contact the members, for not explaining anything to them about my circumstances or Han Seungbeom’s family until now. It was my fault, and I had to face the consequences.
So, I should have quickly told the members who were surprised that it was okay, that I understood…….
“No. I’m not Han Seungbeom.”
Why am I saying something else?
My shaky voice echoed in the large room.
I realized I probably had no control over my impulses right now. It was probably because I hadn’t fully recovered yet. This was precisely why I didn’t want to meet with the members. I was planning to explain everything properly once I was in a better state.
As I was thinking about that, like some kind of justification, I suddenly remembered the members of Prism.
“Hyung, how can I believe what you say? I still don’t know why you died or why you left the group. No, do you even have any intention of explaining it to me?”
And then, I was able to realize it belatedly.
‘How much time has to pass before I can have some peace of mind?’
Even in my previous life, I never truly got better. I just endured without any recovery, not even a little. No matter how long I waited, the right time never came.
And even if I were to get better, I couldn’t be sure if the members would be able to handle the whole truth. I couldn’t stop imagining how deeply shocked they would be, and what actions they might take as a result. After all, I knew them better than anyone.
It was the best, most rational choice I could make at the time.
I still haven’t changed my mind about it today.
I shouldn’t have said anything to the members.
But I kept asking myself this question.
‘Am I repeating the same mistake again this time?’
As a result of my choice, the members, who knew nothing, grew sick as they searched for the cause within themselves and each other. It was much easier for them to do that than to forcibly bring me out, the one who disappeared without a single explanation. I didn’t realize any of this until the moment I opened my eyes again in someone else’s body.
What if the members think my current state is because of them? Wouldn’t it be better to tell them the truth, rather than letting them hurt themselves with doubt? If I tell them about my less-than-honorable dealings with Han Seungbeom’s aunt, they’ll probably never contact her again, no matter what happens to me.
While fleeting thoughts flickered through my mind, a particularly impulsive idea took hold. And before I had a chance to even think it through, the words escaped my lips.
“I’m just, a worthless piece of trash who’s still alive because I stole my child’s shell, so don’t contact his aunt…….”
Those words were the most raw expression of the feelings I was experiencing right now.
As I finally forced out the last syllable, I felt a chill as the tip of my tongue scraped against my teeth. And in that moment, I was able to belatedly realize what I had just said.
”What have I, just done now…….’
I made a mistake.
As soon as that thought crossed my mind, my hands and feet went numb, and the skin on my face began to feel cold, as if it were paralyzed.
With a wave of regret crashing down on me, I slowly lifted my head.
Then, the expressions on the members’ faces, which I had been unable to bring myself to face, began to register in my eyes.
“…….”
Confusion, fear, and rejection.
Those were the only three emotions that flashed across their pale faces.
“What are you talking about, hyung? I don’t quite understand…….”
They didn’t believe me. The members couldn’t accept the fact that I might be someone other than Han Seungbeom.
I could tell by their eyes. It was so raw, as if they were looking at a crazy person. Facing that, I couldn’t help but question myself, ‘Am I really sane?‘
“I think you’re still a bit shocked right now … Seungbeom-ah, if you’re having a hard time, how about we go to the hospital together?”
A tidal wave of regret, too immense to put into words, swept over me.
Hadn’t I myself realized the absurdity of my situation? In this kind of situation, I suddenly said something nonsensical without any context. My existence was beyond their understanding. Their reactions were completely natural, yet I couldn’t understand why I felt this way.
The crushing despair of feeling like my very existence was being denied.
And I felt myself being consumed by a faint disappointment, so subtle I barely even noticed it myself.
I had failed once, so I tried to make a different choice this time.
But it seemed like I had failed once again. If that’s the case, then perhaps there was no right choice to begin with, and in my past life, did I simply choose the lesser tragedy?
“…Haha.”
My legs gave way, and I collapsed onto the bed. As I sat there, blankly staring at the floor, the members, unable to bear it any longer, called out to me loudly and shook my shoulders.
“Seungbeom-ah, are you okay?”
“Hyung! Please say something…….”
Barely coming to my senses, I opened my mouth and managed to make a sound.
“Oh.”
I couldn’t manage my expression well.
I felt like I was trapped in a terrible nightmare.
Would the situation improve even slightly if I said it was just a surprise camera? Should I just try to brush it off now, saying it was just a joke? Should I laugh it off and say, “I’m Han Seungbeom, there’s no way I could be anything else, so why is everyone so freaked out?”
I don’t know.
I didn’t know if there was any way to fix this situation, just like a broken glass would never return to its original state no matter how badly I tried.
But I couldn’t just leave the members, who were trapped in anxiety, as they were, so I slowly lifted my head. Then, forcing my trembling lips into a smile, I opened my mouth.
“…I’m sorry.”
“…….”
“I made a mistake. Please forget it.”
***
Looking utterly regretful, Lee Hwayoung muttered, “I shouldn’t have brought you all”, before dragging the members out of the room. Once we were alone, just the two of us, I turned to Choi Jeokhyeon and asked.
“…Did you call them?”
Choi Jeokhyeon was the only one who knew I was here.
He must have called the members here through Lee Hwayoung.
To my question, Choi Jeokhyeon, after putting the phone he’d been constantly checking into his pocket, gave a faint, amused smile and replied casually.
“Yeah, I told them.”
“As for why I’m in this state…….”
“I gave them a brief explanation.”
“…Why?”
“Because I’m anxious.”
The answer was given without the slightest hesitation or deliberation.
“I realized that keeping you locked in a safe cage is meaningless. I’ve already failed once, so I need to try a different approach this time.”
“…….”
“I’m going to let you roam free under the blue sky and plant dense trees all around you. They’ll keep a close eye on where you go and what you do, and in case something happens, they’ll be able to step in and protect you on my behalf. The members of Pantheion are one of those trees. I see them as a sort of insurance.”
“Insurance? … I was struggling so much because I didn’t want them getting caught up in my problems, and you’re telling me you did all this just for that? You’ve done enough already. Even if you didn’t go this far, I would’ve stayed alive just to keep you alive!”
“No, it’s not enough. I can’t trust you anymore. You made me do this.”
At those words, my breath hitched, and Choi Jeokhyeon burst into laughter, even making noises as he laughed, before continuing.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to feel guilty. I already know it was something beyond your control.”
“…….”
“As the outcome of this incident, I became the one who saved you from danger and put an end to the chaotic situation for those kids. I think it’s safe to say we’ve established a solid level of trust. And since you showed such strong opposition to contacting your family this time, if anything happens to you in the future, they’ll contact me first. You tend to be particularly tense in front of the Pantheion members, so … this should reduce the chances of you making an unintentional mistake.”
“…They’re still children. You don’t even realize what you’ve done. They’re just children who should be living a normal life without having to suffer from something like this, but you dragged them into this mess!”
“No, Yutae-ya. You tend to look at your members as if they’re much younger. In just a matter of weeks, everyone except the youngest member will be an adult, right?”
“Don’t make me laugh. No matter how much you try to justify it, the fact remains that there are still a few members who aren’t adults yet. And whether they’re young or old, those kids are not tools that exist for my sake.”
“You know that age means nothing to me. I only brought it up because you seemed so guilty about it. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my goals.”
“…Choi Jeokhyeon.”
“Besides, I didn’t really intend to hurt those children. I just told them the truth. They chose to come here on their own, and they asked me questions of their own will. I’m sure those children would rather know the truth than be kept in the dark, wouldn’t they? No matter how much you try to shield them, the reality that already exists won’t disappear. I think it’s time you start acknowledging that.”
Leaving me at a loss for words, that guy went on without missing a beat, slowly approaching me and putting on a ridiculously sorrowful expression.
“I’m sorry. You must have been really hurt, right? I honestly didn’t expect the members to not be able to accept your true identity.”
“…….”
“Still, I think it’s a good thing you learned about this through this incident. The relationships you’ve made with that body won’t be able to understand you. So, once everything is over, let’s go back to your original body. Okay?”
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Translator’s Corner:
The next 10 chapters (yes it’s long) are my favorite part of the main story : D
I guess I want to talk a little about this. If you’ve been on the internet, you probably already read the news that actress Kim Saeron has passed away (may she rest in peace). The police have already released statement that they believed it was a case of extreme choice.
If you’re seeing internet reactions, you will see how everyone is blaming Koreans for cancelling her over her DUI (Driving Under Influence) case that she had in 2022. It’s not entirely wrong, as Koreans are pretty harsh towards DUI since it’s an avoidable crime, but that’s not the whole story. You know, though it’s almost impossible for female celebrities to return to their popular status after getting into a scandal, it’s still possible to get a small job in the industry after a few period of reflections. She did, however, the netizens didn’t believe her and said she only faked it. Even after 2 years had passed, people were still calling her names. And last year, she accidentally posted a (presumably old pic) of herself with an actor, and the whole kdrama communities, especially the international ones, are calling her a lot of names and saying she’s an attention seeker.
I saw the similiar thing happened to my idol back then, how everyone immediately acted like they took no part in the bullying and tried to wash their hand clean, and honestly … watching it the third time doesn’t make the experience easier. I’m pretty disgusted how everyone is going “knetz bullied her” when the international fans were also after her neck last year for that one instagram story. Isn’t it funny how everyone suddenly care and pity someone when they already dead … this isn’t the first or second time, yet people never learned. They only busy pointing fingers at others without reflecting that maybe they’re part of the problem.
The deceased father himself already stated that his daughter went through a lot of hard time because a Youtuber (to be exact, a cyber wrecker) who made a lot of videos smearing her names, making speculations and exposing her private lives in malicious way. You might wonder, are they a famous youtuber? And yes, he is. Actually, a lot of kpop stans love using his video as “source” for their fanwar. Meanwhile, if you scrolled their channels, it’s full of videos defaming and making up stories about young women in the industry. Yet some kpop stans love to claim his channel as “valid source” despite it’s only full of malicious information. That’s a cyber wrecker is. They’re making up stories about celebrities to make money, and people, especially the international fans who didn’t know Korean and believe everything malicious accounts on internet posted as long it’s “beneficial for them in fanwar”, so readily spread the false information that cyber wrecker created.
Just, guys, if you’re a kpop stan, please check the validity of the information you’re consuming. Please make sure it’s not from a community well-known for being filled with incels or cyber wreckers. In K-POP, it’s very easy to say “Oh, but idol A is a bad person, they xxx” without any proof and 1000 people will believe it and spread it around just because they want to believe it to be the truth. This is a severe problem in international kpops fans because they don’t understand Koreans, can’t and don’t even bother to check the source, and misinformation or fake information are pretty rampant. My advice is, before sharing any information that seemed malicious, please remember that you’re a human first before you’re a k-pop fan.
You might be doubtful because, yes, media can be paid, then what should you believe? For me personally, I always believe the people who worked in the industry. The celebrities themselves. Like, say. Idol A is rumored to be a bully who harassed their juniors, but a lot of people in the industry, their seniors and juniors supported and idolized them. Don’t you think it’s crazy to believe what random people on internet say instead of trusting the actual people who know them in real life? For example, with the way the media, especially Dispatch, tearing down G-Dragon pre 2024, you would think he’s some criminal, a vile person who deserves to be treated that way. But now if you look at the industry, everyone from the idol scene to the acting scene are fangirling and fanboying over him.
I said it again and again, but this is precisely why I adore this novel to the moon and back. The main issue this novel addressed is a very sensitive topic. I’m very sensitive to this topic too since I lost one star for the same cause, so at first I was pretty prepared to criticize this novel. I don’t like the possibility of this topic is getting used just for “starting the plot” or “to torture the readers”. But the author proved me wrong. Not only the summary is a smokescreen, but they also mentioned a lot of problem that actually exist in real life. Also, we’re not even done yet, we still have more than 100 chapters (and side stories still ongoing too), so don’t worry everyone. The author knew what they’re doing with this topic.
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