[CHOI JEOKHYEON’S POV]
You remained silent, at a loss for words as I poured out my words like a rapid-fire cannon.
I had planned all my schemes to make sure you couldn’t stop me, so I could control everything at my disposal, and it worked. But now that I had the power to do everything as I pleased, I didn’t find much joy in it.
‘…Why?’
Because I hurt you with my own hands?
I had no idea. Ever since I was too young to remember, reflecting on my own emotions has always been difficult. Maybe it was because I saw no value in doing so, or perhaps it was because my emotions were too faint to even notice.
“The biggest problem with neglecting your emotions is that you might end up hurting others. But that’s not all. It also means you’re not properly taking care of yourself.”
“Please cherish yourself. Figure out what you like, what you dislike, and what makes you happy. If you do that, someday, you’ll be able to understand others better too.”
I felt like I was doing something wrong.
‘What did I want?’
As I was silently asking myself that question with a sense of sinking to the bottom, I suddenly remembered the memory of when you made your debut.
“If you’re just going to waste your life getting drunk like that, then shut up and follow me. I’ll show you a stage that’s far more enjoyable than that.”
When I saw you shining on stage, I felt a surge of elation.
Back then, I felt like I could also understand … what happiness was.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that something had gone wrong when I saw the hurt on your face.
I did this knowing full well that it would make you sad. And deep down, I hoped you would react in some way. Maybe then, I’d seem a little more like a living person.
“…I don’t have the energy to fight you.”
But what I got in return was, as expected, a response as weak as dry rice straw.
I closed my eyes for a long moment as the dry voice trailed off.
The Seo Yutae I wanted to protect so badly is no longer here.
The world made it that way, and I made it that way.
The instant that thought crossed my mind, my body was suddenly pulled forward and crashed onto the mattress.
“So…….”
‘…Huh?’
It was strange.
I was alone with you in this room right now. Therefore, the only person who could lay a hand on me was you. But weren’t you so devastated that you couldn’t even lift a finger to touch my body?
“Don’t cross the line, and do it in moderation. There’s a limit to how much I can tolerate.”
But now, in front of me, you were staring down at me while gripping my collar tightly. Just like the ‘Seo Yutae‘ I knew when he was alive. Just moments ago, your eyes had been dull and lifeless, but now they were shining brightly, making me question if this was real.
‘Crossing the line?’
What did you mean by that?
Was it forcibly injecting you with a tranquilizer? Or was it forcing you to stay when you were trying to leave this world without me? Or maybe it was hiding Seo Yuseong’s death from you?
I racked my brain for a long time, trying to find an answer that most people would figure out without much thought. But even after all that thinking, I still didn’t have a clue, so I slowly raised my gaze to your face.
Then, naturally, I remembered what you had said to me before.
“If you don’t know what’s right or what’s wrong, think about me. Don’t base it on yourself. Consider what I dislike or what makes me feel uncomfortable, and it will become a bit easier.”
It wasn’t until I repeated those words twice, three times that I finally realized the answer.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I already told you, you shouldn’t do things like this. No matter what happens, I won’t forgive you for hurting my people. Especially if it’s supposed to be for my sake.”
“…….”
“You’re telling such an obvious lie about not expecting this to happen … You, you did this on purpose. You’re worried that when I can return to my body, I’ll be shaken by the relationships I’ve made in this life. But what can I do? Even when they told me I was the reason for their unhappiness and asked me to leave the group, I loved my members. Do you really think I could abandon them just because they denied my existence? Doesn’t the fact that I’m still holding onto you until the end give you any clue?”
You were angry with me.
You were angry with me because I treated your precious beings carelessly, as if they were just tools, and hurt them……..
“If you find it difficult to cherish other people, you can start with the people I cherish. Watch how I treat them, how much I care for them, and learn from that. You can do it. Luckily, the way you act toward me shows you’re not as emotionless as you think you are, or as other people say.”
“How about it? Doesn’t Jack look pretty cute now? Jack, go to him and say, ‘Please hug me’. Hug me. … Ah, he ran away.”
You were angry with me for breaking the promise I made to you so lightly, a promise we made so we could live together without being isolated from the society.
Ever since you found out the truth about Seo Yuseong, I finally saw something other than despair in you for the first time.
But that emotion was nothing but anger, and it annoyed me.
“…….”
“Cherish yourself.”
…No, this feeling wasn’t annoyance.
Ridiculously enough, I felt really sad.
For the first time, I gave a name to the emotion I was feeling. Clenching my teeth, I began to speak in a strained voice.
“If only I could go back to that time, without a worry in my mind, I wouldn’t have done something like this either.”
“So, once everything is over, let’s go back to your original body. Okay?”
I didn’t have the power to bring the dead back to life.
So, if you’re to live even a little like those times, you need to stay alive, and I have to make sure you return to your original body, don’t I? All I did was try my best to make that happen.
“But no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t work, does it? You keep trying to leave me behind, and I don’t know what else to do, so all I can do is try everything I can.”
I was happy during the time I spent with you.
“…I just want you to live well.”
I wanted to go back.
I wanted to go back to those happy days.
“You’re the one who understands my heart better than I do. So, why can’t you understand this?”
The hot liquid streaming down my cheek felt strange.
It was unsettling to show such a raw side of myself in front of others.
It was a torment to endure the shivers, as if insects were crawling between the crevices of my brain.
It was all your fault that I had turned so ugly.
“You’re the one who made me like this. Why, why did you have to catch my eye…….”
Why did you make me feel this desperate?
Why did you have to make me beg and plead like this, reduced to tears in such a pathetic way?
“…Choi Jeokhyeon.”
Why did you have to be so affectionate that you couldn’t even hide your pained expression at the sight of something as trivial as this bodily fluid?
You were always like that. You forced things into my arms that I never needed, then disappeared as if you didn’t know a thing. I learned how to build relationships with others just so I could be with you, but you just left, without even realizing you had rendered all that effort meaningless.
It was the same this time as well.
“Loving someone is not about imposing your own definition of happiness on them, but about wanting them to be genuinely happy.”
“…Did I make you unhappy?”
I didn’t want to know these feelings.
This was the first time I’d ever cried, so I had no idea what to do.
I didn’t even know how to stop these tears.
Without even realizing that I should wipe away the tears that kept flowing endlessly, I just desperately stared at you. You, who had been gazing at me blankly, slowly lowered your head. Then, you tightened your grip on my collar and repeatedly pulled my body up and down with force.
“…Hey, Choi Jeokhyeon.”
I didn’t resist, but let my body shake slightly with your movements, and soon I felt your hand, which had come to a stop, tremble faintly. You must have noticed it too, because you let out a deep breath as if the ground beneath you was collapsing. Pressing your lips together tightly, you gradually loosened your grip. Then, after lifting your hand again and placing it on my shoulder, you began to speak in a voice so low and strained that it was incomparable to before.
“I promised you, didn’t I? I’m not going to die ……. If you’re that anxious, I’ll tell you as many times as you want. I can’t die.”
The words tumbled from your lips, promising me the life I so desperately longed for.
I couldn’t believe it, so I mumbled your name in a daze.
“…Yutae-ya?”
“As long as the people who killed Seo Yuseong are still living well in this world, as long as I’ve seen with my own eyes what happened to the Prism members at Kang Hyukwoo’s hands after I died, I can’t die. I can never die until I’ve killed them all.”
But you silenced me completely, as if you weren’t willing to hear any useless arguments, denial, or whatever, and just kept rambling on.
“I’m sorry, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t live like I used to. Because Seo Yuseong’s existence meant that much to me. To be honest, I still don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live a normal life with a sane mind. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t care if my mind is broken or if I’m going insane from missing Seo Yuseong. Even if my arms and legs are all broken, I’ll crawl and live until I tear those bastards apart. And even if, without realizing it, I end up in the sea again, I’ll somehow come to my senses and walk out.”
“…….”
“On top of that, a certain crazy bastard friend of mine is even playing with his life to threaten me. So, even if I don’t like it, I have to come to my senses if I want to save you.”
Having uttered those words, you stared down at me again with a fierce gaze, without so much as a blink. Then, you grabbed my chin firmly and spoke.
“Because of you, I can’t let my guard down for a second. This crazy bastard … I was so exhausted that I lost my mind for a moment, and in that time, you dare cause this kind of mess? … Why don’t you just admit you planned it? No matter how hard things get, I’m not the kind of person who can just stand by and watch my people die because of me.”
It was in that moment, as I watched you, that the realization belatedly dawned on me.
Despite the death of Seo Yuseong and this world’s attempts to break you, in the end, your core will not change.
“What nonsense is this about you making me unhappy? Thanks a lot, for making me come to my senses, even if you had to do it forcefully. You’re always trying to go off-track at any chance, never listening to anyone, and gaslighting people like it’s second nature. I really don’t know what’s so lovable about a bastard like you that keeps me holding on to you.”
You were someone who became stronger than anyone when there were people you needed to protect.
You now have that same fierce will to live that you had when we first met.
As I slowly lifted my gaze, your face from when you were younger overlapped with Han Seungbeom’s face. Yes … that’s right, it was a time before you’d met Kang Hyukwoo, back when you were hopping from job to job.
“How did a delicate-looking young master end up here?”
I could tell right away from your clothes, worn so many times they had become ragged, your hair, which was short like a typical man’s but uneven in spots as if you’d cut it yourself, and your hands, already rough with calluses. It was instantly clear how difficult your environment was, even though you were still so young.
Yet, despite everything, you were standing proudly and shining all on your own in that desolate place.
You had a brilliance possessed only by those who, even in the face of countless hardships, never give up hope and fight to the very end.
And I, almost as if enchanted, found myself drawn to you.
“This neighborhood is pretty dangerous. If you’re stumbling around drunk like that, dressed in clothes that look insanely expensive and wearing a watch that’s clearly valuable, you’re 100% going to get pickpocketed or ripped off.”
Although the fact that you were dragging unconscious men by their hair with both hands, or that you had a bag slung over one of your broad shoulders—one that seemed to belong to your younger brother, as it looked like something an elementary school kid would use—were indeed details that made it impossible not to pay attention to you.
“…Like those people?”
“No, these guys are just people who got beaten up by me for trying to pick on my little brother. It’s guys like them who also bully people like you, right?”
“Haha, I’m fine. There are people who keep following me around.”
“…So, you really are a young master, seeing how you walk around with bodyguards trailing behind you. Well, if you’re fine with it, I guess it’s none of my business…….”
You clearly didn’t seem to remember, but that day was the second time I met you.
“Don’t you ever get tired of living like that?”
“…What?”
“…Just, I thought you seemed a little tired.”
You might not know this, but…..
I still can’t forget that moment to this day.
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Translator’s Corner:
For absolutely no reason, my recommended song for this is Epik High ft. Lee Hi – Can You Hear My Heart
Notice how there’s no end POV sign? We’re going to get the lore of how this whole found family started : D
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