Nick’s father, my half-brother, was the only one who spoke to me, who was ostracized and treated like an invisible person in that house.
“I think that you should be the one to lead the company in the future. I don’t want to struggle in a disgraceful way like the other family members. I know I’m not as level-headed or as good at business as you are. I refuse to invite disaster by coveting things that are not within my means.”
He laughed a lot, was annoyingly talkative, and was incompetent. However, it seemed he wasn’t completely without talent, as he was rather skilled at objectively assessing himself.
“Grandfather seems to think so too. Not long ago, he even said, ‘It’s like a rolling stone removing the stuck one’1. To be honest, had you not been embroiled in so many scandals, you could have already been named the successor … Everyone is terrified. They’re afraid that one day you’ll take their position.”
I didn’t deny those words. Indeed, the results I had achieved were far superior to those of my siblings, and my grandfather, who had built the company into the largest in the country, recognized that clearly. I could roughly guess his thoughts when I recalled how, at first, he had told me to live as quietly as a mouse, but as time passed, he started saying, “As long as you conduct yourself properly, I wouldn’t mind you succeeding me”. Of course, at the time, I hadn’t paid the slightest attention to his words.
When I didn’t respond and simply smiled, he laughed and said, “Our youngest really has no interest in his older brother”, then continued with a bitter expression.
“Still, I think I feel more comfortable with you. Everyone here is so blinded by greed that they see everything in the world only in terms of money. I find that even more frightening.”
Then he took out a photo of a woman from his pocket and started talking again.
“Look, her name is Camilla. She said, ‘I’ll take responsibility for you, so throw everything away and come to me!’. Isn’t she so cool? I feel like I could entrust my life to her.”
But not long after, he truly threw everything away and suddenly left for England.
I didn’t have any particular regrets about him, but the words he used to say to me like a habit, “It’s okay if the love I give doesn’t come back. I just want to meet someone I can love wholeheartedly. I think that alone would be enough to make me happy”, never faded from my mind, even after he was gone.
I wasn’t sure if it was because it was the most irrational and foolish thing I had ever heard, or if I was somehow influenced by those words.
Just thinking of those words gave me a horrible sensation, as if bugs were crawling all over my body, and it made me start to wander even more. I moved from one bar to another, met people whose names I didn’t even know, and lived a life focused solely on seeking out stimulation.
When even that felt insufficient, I was driven by an even greater thirst and emptiness, and I began frantically searching for information about the brothers I’d met at the funeral.
“How did a delicate-looking young master end up here?”
And on the day I found the place where the brothers were said to live, in a drunken state, I met you again.
“…Just, I thought you seemed a little tired.”
It was probably something you said without much thought. Wasn’t that always how you were? You were the one who would say something that seemed to unlock a person’s heart, and then walk away without a trace of awareness or lingering feelings.
I really, foolishly, tried to make contact with you in a hurry, as if you were my savior, just because of those few words. I was trembling with fear of missing my chance with you. I was so desperate back then, but I suppose you never knew.
“You wouldn’t want to waste your whole life just taking care of your family, would you? I’ll help you, so your talents can shine.”
Ah, it was truly a blessing that your father was such a terrible person, and that you had a dream you couldn’t give up. Watching everything fell into place as if by fate, I thought this must be a gift that God had given me.
But, as I’d expected, my life didn’t drastically change the moment I impulsively took you in.
“Who spends this much money in a single day, you crazy person!”
After giving you a luxurious residence and piling up expensive clothes like a heap of garbage, I was at a loss for what else to do. Obviously, I wasn’t satisfied with just that. But beyond financial support, I had no idea how else to express my feelings.
I hadn’t learned it.
The realization brought with it a shame I couldn’t understand. And then, thinking that even you, whom I had finally found with such difficulty, might eventually come to hate me, I started wandering outside again. Then, one day, in a drunken haze, I told you everything.
I thought it would feel truly awful to see you, having only discovered my true self late, react the same way as they did and run away. In that case, I figured it would be better to just tell you right now myself. And if you reject me…….
“You, were you really laughing at that time?”
However, all those worries were for nothing, because instead of rejecting me, you held onto me and asked such a question.
“You know. Until then, had your mother ever really looked at you properly?”
It was a strange thing.
Like the fading glow of a beautiful face, wasn’t it human nature for affection to wane when someone lost even a little of its usefulness? The love I learned was like that.
“You hate it when other people see that scar. That’s why you always wear so many layers of clothes, and if you can’t keep them perfectly arranged, you feel anxious. Someone incapable of feeling wouldn’t have such an obsession.”
“If you’re lonely, just say you’re lonely. Don’t ruin your body by going from bar to bar every day. There are so many things in this world that are more enjoyable than that. I’ll show you.”
But you didn’t lower your defenses when I gave you something. Instead, it was when I showed you my flaws, my ugliest side, that you finally broke down the wall. That’s how I managed to get inside your fence.
And after that, I stopped wandering.
Because I realized that I no longer had to do that.
“Caramel popcorn? Are you serious?”
“I just bought what the staff recommended … Ah, it’s too sweet.”
“What am I supposed to do with this, this thing? I can’t just throw it away. I think I should throw away this spoiled young master who doesn’t know anything about the real world first.”
“…I’m sorry. This is my first time in a place like this, so I don’t know much.”
“…Ugh, seriously! Give it to me!”
I realized that there were more enjoyable things to do than pouring alcohol down my throat until I felt nauseous. I was able to forget the existence of the bugs that had been tormenting me and start living an ordinary life.
[(Trophy photo) Y]
[I heard you won first place. Congratulations, Yutae-ya.]
It was truly enjoyable watching you, who were running step by step toward your dream, achieve success
“What kind of snot-nosed kids are they asking me to form a group with? I’ve already debuted, so why should I bother preparing for another group?”
“You don’t dislike it that much, do you? If there wasn’t a single person you liked, you wouldn’t have even brought this up to me.”
“…Well, the kids were actually okay. I went, and there was this guy with bright red hair who grinned at me like an idiot. I mean, what was I supposed to do with that? There was also this ridiculously handsome guy who was good at acting, another guy who was an all-rounder and wanted to learn composing … and even a kid who was practicing like the world would end if he didn’t make it on this path. Oh, and they said they’d bring in a guy who was good at rapping too.”
“Haha, haven’t you already chosen all 7 of them?”
“Ah, I’m going crazy!”
I learned that someone else’s happiness could become my happiness as well. I began to think that, even if things didn’t go the way I wanted them to, if you could be happy, that alone would be enough for me.
“Loving someone is not about imposing your own definition of happiness on them, but about wanting them to be genuinely happy.”
Everything was going smoothly.
Until everything came crashing down following the death of Seo Yuseong.
“…You have to live. You must live. Please, Yutae-ya…….”
Exactly one week after the funeral, you became a complete wreck.
It became impossible for you to live a normal life.
If I force-fed you food, you would vomit it all up. If I forced you take sleeping pills and you managed to fall asleep, you would suddenly sit up screaming after just a few minutes. Then, without even being aware of it, you kept repeating actions that could put your life in danger.
It felt like I had witnessed with my own eyes just how far a person could be broken.
You no longer smiled like you used to.
You couldn’t die, so you were forced to live.
But it was okay. The book said that most people, even after experiencing something like that, end up living. If I hold onto your life by force and endure, you could make it too. I brainwashed myself with that thought and decided to go into hiding with you until you got better.
“…Let’s go somewhere safe. A place where even you can’t hurt yourself.”
That was the time Camilla was referring to when she mentioned my disappearance.
And after quite a long time had passed, I received word that the nanny I had sent abroad for recuperation, away from my family’s prying eyes, was nearing the end of her life due to old age.
I felt like I wouldn’t be at ease unless I saw for myself what kind of expression she would have when she died. I considered making a short trip to see her, but I hesitated because I couldn’t stop worrying about you.
And then, as if by some uncanny timing, your condition suddenly improved.
To the point where you could slowly walk out of the dark room, look out the window, or even call out to me first.
“…Choi Jeokhyeon.”
I was so overwhelmed with joy at even that small sign of recovery that I shivered.
And then, lulled into the illusion that you were finally, finally better, I let myself feel relieved.
Even when I heard my grandfather was in critical condition, and even when my mother passed away, I didn’t feel much of anything. Perhaps some annoyance, but that was all. Having never truly understood what it felt like to lose someone precious, I had this thought,
‘Yeah, it’s about time you started feeling better.’
Like how a cold gets better once the coughing stops.
“I have something to do, so I’ll be out for a little while. Will you be okay until I get back?”
“Take care.”
“Do you need cigarettes? Should I buy some for you while I’m out?”
“…No, I’m good now.”
It’s hard to understand human’s heart.
I was too flawed a human being to understand it.
“Really? Then let’s take this opportunity to quit smoking. It’s bad for your health after all.”
And my flaws ultimately led to the very outcome I had feared the most.
“…Why aren’t they picking up the phone?”
I had explicitly ordered them not to let you go outside, to keep a close watch so you wouldn’t get your hands on anything sharp. It was in the morgue that I realized there was a problem with the personnel I had assigned for surveillance. Standing there in a daze, my legs numb, I tried to think of who might have interfered with the people I had hired. Then suddenly, my father’s family came to mind.
“…Everyone is terrified. They’re afraid that one day you’ll take their position.”
They were afraid that I, who had stopped wandering and begun adapting to society, would become a threat to their positions. Since my friendship with you was already quite well-known, it wouldn’t have been difficult for them to deduce that you were the reason for my change.
The thought of killing them all crossed my mind, but I quickly shook my head. Your death was a reality I couldn’t alter, no matter what I did, and my broken heart found no meaning in the act of revenge.
I just felt like the world without you would be nothing but painful.
I didn’t want to accept that the last emotion you taught me to name was loss.
“So, this is how painful it is to lose someone precious.”
I lowered my head and quietly muttered those words to you.
Then I looked into your face and thought.
Should I die now, or after your funeral?
But I couldn’t shake the feeling that you wouldn’t be happy about my death. So, I just continued to sit there in a daze.
Then, a miracle happened.
Your cold body disappeared without a trace…….
[“I’m Han Seungbeom from SU Entertainment.”]
You, who forgot about Seo Yuseong’s death, have returned.
“We finally meet … Seo Yutae.”
With this second miracle, I vowed to myself that I would never make the same mistake again, that I would do whatever it took to save you, no matter the cost.
Even if you came to hate me, it was fine.
Even if you no longer smiled at me the way you used to, as long as you were alive, it was fine.
“…Did I make you unhappy?”
But if I make you unhappy, what am I supposed to do?
[END OF CHOI JEOKHYEON’S POV]
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Translator’s Corner:
Idk. Choi Jeokhyeon, I can’t defend you anymore. The song I recommended for this part is Xdinary Heroes – Good enough (guys, seriously, give it a listen. it really 100% fits CJH’s pov and the song is really good too).
And yeah that’s the end of POV. We’ll go back to the right genre after this…..
And this has nothing to do with the story, but I want to write it here just for the sake of leaving a mark, so I can look back and remember it in the future. Today is my mother’s birthday. Well, actually by the time this chapter posted, it would be yesterday … but anyway. My family wasn’t the type to celebrate birthday, so for as long as I could remember, she never celebrated her birthday when she was alive. And now that she’s not here, the only person who remembered her birthday is me … I can’t even bake cake since I was unwell yesterday, and I couldn’t buy either since I definitely would be asked what the occasion … I’m pretty awkward with talking about this kind of thing in real life. I’m not comfortable with even mentioning it. I guess I’ll just wait for the weather to become better to buy flowers.
Anyway, you know … in books or therapist office, they would tell you that you need to talk about it to make you feel better. But honestly with grief, I don’t think it will ever get better. (Take notes, Choi Jeokhyeon). Personally, I don’t want to talk about it because I don’t want to get better. And even if I do, time never actually heals anyway. Time just makes you learn how to live with it. Well, I guess some people managed to actually heal … but I just know it’s not for me. I’m too much of a feeler ever since I was a child. Forgetting would definitely be an easier coping mechanism, but I think it would just be too … sad. I think everyone deserves to be remembered, even if it’s just by one person.
Like the thing Choi Jeokhyeon failed to realize because books never talked about it is, it’s not that Yutae doesn’t want to live because of his grief. He simply thinks he doesn’t deserve to live. A lot of people still could survive even when feeling like him because humans are selfish by nature. So, the mindset is “I know I don’t deserve it, but what else can I do?”. Meanwhile, our dear Seo Yutae is far from that. He didn’t apologize because he believed he didn’t deserve to be forgiven. He didn’t say something because he thought he didn’t have the right to say anything he couldn’t do himself. His nature basically makes him beyond saving once something like this happens … That’s why, when comforting a grieving person, you really shouldn’t say things like “I know what you feel”, because you definitely 100% don’t know … even if you already experienced something similiar, each person has different nature.
Omg that’s long. I really talked a lot. You guys, don’t forget to listen to the song.
But after I rambled on this long, I just realized I really could #FixHim ….
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